Favourite Comedy Actors (or performances) in TV and Film (with quotes)

I don't wanna talk to anybody, was I not clear? Nobody! I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants me to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don't wanna talk to him. NOBODY!

Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and pants and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave.

Uh....nah

Open the door, close the door. I am so confused. Lost in the friction of life, NO! I have never read a diction-ary in my life, quite scary, Mary, Mary, quite con-trary. Isn't it?

I... dropped the screw... in the tuna!

McDreamy was doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!

Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time.

These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious. Making a commitment to love each other forever. Now before, they were on the down-low, living a life that was a lie. Now, in a lie, it's like a circle. It never ends. You know, it's not like a rectangle. 'Cause that has a bunch of, you know, places that stop. Now the rings are a symbol of eternity, because in a ring there's no beginning, there is no end, 'cause it's a circle.

Once you go black, you gonna need a wheelchair!

I love lamp. I love lamp.

I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.

I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. but now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.

Or Johnny Chase in The Commish when I played that bulimic paedophile.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

I got no sense of having legs Dewey! I have no life! I'm dead! Because somebody, I'm not gonna point out names right now, decided to murder me with a machete!

It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works every time.

I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.

Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.

It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.

Ugly baby judges you!

I don't know what to say Joe, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.

Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes!

Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'

It was between that or Muhammad.

I made a fart and I'm on the verge of buying Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium, but I refuse to pay for Mr. Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium, I did not press it!

I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.

Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.

I have been touched by your kids... and I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.

Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth.

I have a dream! That one day, white people, and black people... and even Chinese people, can gamble together with the same number of chips!

Where are you from originally?

Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Appearances can be... deceptive.

It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.

Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.

All work and no play makes Jack- a vital member of society.

I can kiss heaven good-bye, cause its got to be a sin to look this good!

You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.

We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?

Bow, bow, I'm Derek, and I can sing high..............

Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!

I need this role to be self aware, but with a subconscious lack of understanding. Do you understand?

My mother has developed a knee condition. It makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit. But other than that, and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.

Listen, you don't want no baby daddy drama. Trust me on this one, aight? For all you know, he in prison right now. Let's say y'all livin' together. Next thing you know, you the one gone on the first and the fifteenth, huh, to pick up the government check? What if he got boys that's on the outside? And they stalkin' you? See what I'm sayin? You gotta think, patna!