Top 12 Least Sexy Films
This list is a roster of films, most of which are not bad. In fact, many of them I consider great. However, if you're out on a date, and you decide to make it a movie night, these are the films you should avoid because they are guaranteed NOT to get you in the mood. The main prerequisite for these films being the least sexy is that they actually have to have people having sex in the film itself, thereby automatically eliminating "The Care Bears Movie" (1985) and others to that effect. If the act of sex in these films is appalling, or makes you want to immediately take a shower and wear rubber gloves, chances are that the film made this list. However, it is a short list, and there may be many movies I neglected to mention here. Based on what I have personally seen, however, these films are guaranteed to kill any sex inclination you have for at least a day, maybe longer.
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- DirectorTommy WiseauStarsTommy WiseauJuliette DanielleGreg SesteroIn San Francisco, an amiable banker's seemingly perfect life is turned upside down when his deceitful fiancée embarks on an affair with his best friend.Being considered one of the worst films ever made doesn't prevent some movies from making the list. After all, look at "Caligula". There are so many things wrong with "The Room", but what makes it unsexy is the awkward sex scenes between Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) and onscreen wife Lisa (Juliette Danielle). If you think Wiseau is bad looking WITH his clothes on, it's only a matter of time before you see him without them on. Fortunately, there's no frontal nudity on his part, but his ass may revolt you. Plus, during one of the love-making scenes, it looks as though he is penetrating into his wife's belly button. You have to see it to believe it, but not on anniversaries or Valentine's Day dates. You have been warned.
- DirectorPaul SchraderStarsGreg KinnearWillem DafoeMaria BelloThe life of TV star Bob Crane and his strange friendship with electronics expert John Henry Carpenter."Auto Focus" is full of sex, and has no shortage of women whose breasts are exposed. That's why it's ironic that "Auto Focus" is so unsexy. There is nothing erotic about the sex in this movie. Greg Kinnear portrays Bob Crane, the comic actor best known for playing Colonal Robert Hogan on the classic hit sitcom "Hogan's Heroes". Crane's true life sex addiction cost him his career, two marriages, and ultimately, his life. Kinnear plays Crane with a combination of charm and sleeze. Add that to a truly creepy performace by Willem Dafoe who accompanies Crane on his sexual escapades, and you have a movie that is unsexy because of how bizarre and sad these two men's lives become. There is a lot of sex in this movie, but none of it is even the slightest bit enticing. In fact, much of it is sad.
- DirectorLarry ClarkStarsLeo FitzpatrickJustin PierceChloë SevignyA day in the life of a group of teens as they travel around New York City skating, drinking, smoking and deflowering virgins.This movie is still as shocking as it was when it first hit theaters in 1995. It is raw, unrelenting, and unforgiving in its all too true depiction of inner city teens who spend their summer day drinking, using drugs, and having sex. The kids in this movie exercise freedoms they really haven't earned yet.
Even those who are not easily offended will want to reach through the movie screen and strangle some of these kids, especially Telly (Leo Fitzpatrick), who prides himself in having sex with barely post-pubescent girls around the ages of 12 or 13. Your heart breaks for the girls he successfully seduces, and you cringe at the words he speaks that are wrought with insincerity even before it's strongly suggested that he is H.I.V. positive and unknowingly spreading the virus around. Although "Kids" is a great film, it gets under your skin and may not leave for weeks. - DirectorTodd SolondzStarsJane AdamsJon LovitzPhilip Seymour HoffmanThe lives of several individuals intertwine as they go about their lives in their own unique ways, engaging in acts which society as a whole might find disturbing in a desperate search for human connection.Virtually every character in this indie gem has a deep-rooted sense of insecurity, and some characters even delve into sexual perversion that will turn many viewers off. Again, "Happiness" is a great film, but do NOT see it before or after a romantic night out, unless you really want to kill the mood. Deeply disturbed (and disturbing) characters like a married psychiatrist who also happens to be a gay pedophile, and a shy accountant who stalks and makes sexually explicit phone calls to a romance novelist are among the things in this movie that probably will create such awkwardness.
- DirectorFenton BaileyRandy BarbatoStarsLinda LovelaceHarry ReemsDennis HopperAn examination of the infamous pornographic film Deep Throat (1972), covering aspects from the film's creation to its cultural impact.The film "Deep Throat" (1972) that is the subject of this documentary played a pivotal role in the sexual revolution of the late 60's and early 70's. However, the film was never considered good, nor was it sexy, especially considering the stars of the film were the furthest thing from good looking. This documentary delves into the pop culture phenomenon of this film, and how it actually changed American society in a way. However, the fate of those involved in creating the film, particularly the demise of stars Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems, is really sad.
- DirectorSpike LeeStarsJohn LeguizamoAdrien BrodyMira SorvinoSpike Lee's take on the "Son of Sam" murders in New York City during the summer of 1977 centering on the residents of an Italian-American Northeast Bronx neighborhood who live in fear and distrust of one another.A far cry from the G-rated Giuliani-era of New York City, this film depicts New York City in the summer of 1977, when the Yankees were on a hot streak, city temperatures and humidity were at an all-time high, and a killer known as the Son of Sam stalked the streets at night. By far Spike Lee's most intense film, it is also gritty and unrelenting. What makes it unsexy is not only the glimpse into David Berkowitz's sexual perversion and isolation that motivated his killings, but the horrible people portrayed by John Leguizamo and Adrian Brody. Leguizamo's character routinely cheats on his wife (Mira Sorvino) in sex scenes that emphasize how dirty his character really is, especially when they venture into Plato's Retreat for a bizarre and unenticing orgy. Brody's character also begins working for a gay man's strip club, which is pretty bizarre in and of itself.
- DirectorLars von TrierStarsWillem DafoeCharlotte GainsbourgStorm Acheche SahlstrømA grieving couple retreat to their cabin in the woods, hoping to repair their broken hearts and troubled marriage, but nature takes its course and things go from bad to worse.Adding to a patten of intense and bizarre films, "Antichrist" is no exception in the least sexy category. In addition to dark undertones, strange talking animals, and the heavy-handed subject of grief and human evil, one particular scene involves stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg having sex beneath a tree. If you think that scene is a break from the intensity of this strange drama, I should mention that the tree has half-dead people underneath it. Come Valentine's Day, it's probably wise to shelve this one.
- DirectorDarren AronofskyStarsEllen BurstynJared LetoJennifer ConnellyThe drug-induced utopias of four Coney Island people are shattered when their addictions run deep..If the drug addiction and seeing Jared Leto's arm turn black and blue from bleeding wasn't enough to kill that romantic mood, another equally intense scene involves Jennifer Connelly participating in a sex orgy orchestrated by shady pimp Big Tim (Keith David). The sad part about this scene is how low Connelly's character has to stoop to pay for her drug habit. This scene alone nearly gave the film an NC-17 rating.
- DirectorStanley KubrickStarsMalcolm McDowellPatrick MageeMichael BatesIn the future, a sadistic gang leader is imprisoned and volunteers for a conduct-aversion experiment, but it doesn't go as planned.While not as intense as other entries on this list, "A Clockwork Orange" is equally as weird. The tables at the Korova milk bar are only sexy if you're turned on by albino mannequins, I guess. However, you are almost guaranteed to be turned off by the rape scenes, particularly one that goes to the tune of "Singin' In The Rain". Another scene that caused some people to turn off the movie involved two girls that Alex (Malcolm McDowell) meets at a record store. In a fast-forward sequence set to the tune of the William Tell Overture, Alex proceeds to have sex with the two women. The scene shouldn't be disturbing, but for many, it is.
- DirectorMiguel ArtetaStarsMike WhiteChris WeitzLupe OntiverosAn oddly naive man-child stalks his childhood best friend and tries to reconnect with their past.This movie is a twisted comedy about a 27 year old who, for some reason, won't grow up past his 11-year-old self. The movie starts out innocently enough as Buck (Mike White) invites childhood friend Chuck (Chris Weitz) to his mother's funeral. Buck then develops an unhealthy fascination with Chuck. The part where your jaw is bound to drop is when Buck, who is invited to Chuck's house, suggest they play a game they played when they were childhood friends. If you can think of two swear words that rhyme with Chuck and Buck, you can probably guess what this game is called, and what earned this movie an R rating. Even less sexy is an unlikely scene involving the two men where Chuck resolves to end Buck's obsession.
- DirectorOliver StoneStarsVal KilmerMeg RyanKyle MacLachlanThe story of the famous and influential 1960s rock band The Doors and its lead singer and composer, Jim Morrison, from his days as a UCLA film student in Los Angeles, to his untimely death in Paris, France at age 27 in 1971.The historical accuracy of this film is still up for debate, with former Doors members Robby Kreiger and Ray Manzarek denouncing this film, while drummer John Densmore makes a cameo appearance in it, but that's beside the point of this list. Besides the drug-induced hallucinations, there is a sex scene between Jim Morrison (Val Kilmer) and recent flame Patricia Kennealy (Kathleen Quinlan) that delves the movie into even more bizarre territory. The fact that Kilmer and Quinlan are two very attractive people who you wouldn't normally mind seeing having sex speaks volumes about how strange and unsexy their love scenes together are, especially when Quinlan convinces Kilmer to cut his arm in a witchcraft ritual. Their final embrace set to the music of Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana" finalizes the scene on a very questionable, and unromantic, note.
- DirectorTinto BrassStarsMalcolm McDowellPeter O'TooleHelen MirrenA dramatization of the ascent to Caesar and subsequent reign of Caligula, one of the most notorious leaders of ancient Rome. We see his ambition, his scheming, his perversion and decadence, his brutality and his lunacy.Like "The Room", "Caligula" is one of the few very bad films on the list. With sloppy editing and a fractured story, the film is among the worst ever made. Like "Auto Focus", however, it deserves its place on this list despite the irony of it having wall-to-wall sex scenes. A few of the decidedly unsexy scenes: a man who can't urinate is force fed wine until his stomach explodes; Peter O'Toole wears revolting facial makeup that makes you immediately want to take a shower and wear rubber gloves just by looking at him; Caligula (Malcolm McDowell) routinely having sex with his sister (yes, his sister) Drucilla (Teresa Ann Savoy). And that's not including the bloodshed in this film, either.