DISCOVER--the most bizarre British sex films ever made
I recently had to sit through these films while researching a book on softcore sex films... and I don't see why I should suffer alone...
List activity
31K views
• 0 this weekCreate a new list
List your movie, TV & celebrity picks.
20 titles
- DirectorDerren NesbittStarsJulie EgeDiana DorsBrendan PriceRandy Milkman Davey bites off more than he can chew when he starts to deliver more than pints of milk to some of the bored housewives on his route. In a short space of time he finds himself engaged to two different women; on the receiving end of a bad beating from the local gangster whose girlfriend has been two-timing him with Davey; and finally he ends up in court on a rape charge when an irate husband comes home unexpectedly and discovers Terry and his wife in a compromising situation.It sounds like, and sells itself as, a typical cheeky chappie Confessions-style film... but then he gets beaten to a pulp and accused of rape...!?
- DirectorGeorge Harrison MarksStarsIrene HandlAlfie BassGeorge Harrison MarksA health-resort where both the clients and the employees easily take their clothes off and have a little fun is the setting of this sex-comedy.Creepy film, creepy title. Genuinely has to be seen to be believed... Watch for the musical number and the man on Brighton Pier covered in parrot droppings... And the scene where the slappers get off the bus... Endlessly jaw-dropping.
- DirectorWilly RoeStarsAlan LakeGlynn EdwardsAnthony BoothPlayboy David Galaxy is a suspect in a robbery case and needs an alibi, and the only credible witness to his innocence won't help. He also has to prove his mettle with "the only woman in the world who's never had an orgasm."Police persecute an irritating sleazeball, trying to fit him up for a crime he had nothing to do with. As it's the unfunny, annoying Alan Lake, nobody cares.
- DirectorAlan BirkinshawStarsRoger Lloyd PackVicki HodgeDerek RoyleA young architect plans to design a building after the perfect breast and searches for a woman who bears the right model all over London.This is actually titled Confessions of a Sex Maniac and is about an architect who is offered a contract to build a building shaped like a woman's breast, and apparently not being able to visualise one, auditions various familiar sex film starlets to find a model for it. Really. And now I'm wondering how they designed the London Pickle... Or indeed Big Ben, missus...
- DirectorDonovan WinterStarsMaria O'BrienDavid DixonHelen ChristieIt is Christmas Eve in London, and various lonely men and women turn to male and female escorts for company.A bleak Christmastime tale of sad and lonely people hoping for sex from the self-interested staff of a London escort agency in pre-Internet Britain. Screen this at Christmas and watch the suicide rates soar...
- DirectorPete WalkerStarsTristan RogersKaren BoyesAlan CurtisHans a young German journalist arrives in London to write an article about au-pair girls, but is requested by friends to investigate the whereabouts of their teenage daughter Greta.This would be a fairly routine missing persons mystery if it wasn't for the flashback scenes in which the absent young lady is shown having sex in 3-d. I'd have loved to see the cinema audience trying to keep their glasses on. Or would I? Perhaps not...
- DirectorTudor GatesWilbur StarkStarsChris WilliamsAlison KingSimon LegreeEleven one-act sex comedies, involving wife swappers, a bored housewife, a young virgin, and an orgy in Kilburn.Quite possibly the creepiest of the 1970s sex-coms, and look at the competition. The various vignettes are built around box number ads, another pre-Internet way of meeting weirdoes... Another one that has to be seen to believed... Quite distressing, actually...
- DirectorJohn BownStarsDavid SumnerJoan AlcornSibylla KayAfter five years, Bill and Jean's marriage is far from bliss. That is, until they employ Monique - a hot young Au Pair. She takes care of the children and provides extra special care of both parents.Imagine if Mary Poppins had dropped in to sort out the messy sex lives of the parents instead of the untidy bedrooms of the moppets. That's the premise of this yarn, in which the live-in maid gets sexually involved with the husband and the wife in a troubled marriage, and then rides off into the sunset after a threesome...
- DirectorStanley A. LongStarsChris Lethbridge-BakerLee DonaldBrenda PetersA look at sex and pornography through down the ages. From the liberal ancient Greeks, to the hypocritical Victorians, and on to modern times.Tragic would be a better title.
- DirectorStanley A. LongStarsCharles GrayLloyd LambleGloria MaleyComic look at the history of prostitution.No.
- DirectorWilly RoeStarsMary MillingtonGlynn EdwardsGavin CampbellTwo detectives are drawn into the world of porn, while investigating murders of centrefolds...More depressing rubbish from David Sullivan and his idiot doppelgänger Alan Lake.
- DirectorAntony BalchStarsRichard SchulmanJanet SpearmanDorothy GrumbarA brainy sex flick with a sense of humor, the film begins with a narrator/mummy who guides us through a number of vignettes promising to show what some of us go through in the pursuit of sexual pleasure. There's a fabulous ten minute opening, where the half naked go go dancers have vegetables thrown at them. One of the tales features a female photographer who tortures a male model. Another has a female burglar (Cathy Howard) caught by the house owner. The craziest involves a nerd hiring a blond call girl (Sue Bond) in pursuit of a menage-a-trois with his pet lizard; and there's a endearing misadventure with secret agent Lindy Leigh (Maria Frost) who does topless safecracking.It's true, this series of pointless and peculiar vignettes is narrated by an Egyptian mummy... And that's not even the weirdest thing about it.
- DirectorStanley A. LongStarsBartlett MullinsPeggy Ann CliffordMaggie WrightA series of vignettes exposing how women manipulate their men into submission.In fact, these are all depressing male sex fantasies in which the men improbably come out on top, whereas in real life they'd be dog food. But you do get to get to see Jane Cardew and the amazing Felicity Devonshire, so this is worth fast forwarding through. Or you could take your time and get a crash course in what British society thought was acceptable in the 1970s.
- DirectorMartin CampbellStarsJennifer WestbrookDavid WarbeckHenry RaynerAn inspector and an insurance investigator both have a major stake in revealing the identity of an audacious jewel thief.All the films in this listing are staggering social documents of the 1970s, but none more so than this one. It concerns the inept attempts of the police to apprehend a Raffles-like burglar whose sexual assaults on the female victims traumatise them only in the sense that they don't know if or when he's coming back to delight them some more... and so deliberately obstruct the investigation. And if you think that's incredible, wait 'til you see how it turns out...
- DirectorDerek FordStarsMonika RingwaldMark JonesAndrew GrantA young Venusian girl lands on Earth to explore the planet. She lands in Soho in London, UK where she has ample opportunities to research sex on Earth.Unbelievably tatty sex fantasy about a girl from space who arrives naked in Soho to educate herself about humans. Depressingly unerotic and uninteresting in any way, shape, or form, this isn't entertaining on any level of any kind. Even as a bad movie, or as a study of the '70s. Three times worse than what you're imagining right now.
- DirectorDavid C. ReaStarsKeith BarronKenneth CopeHilary PritchardBy chance the perfume creators Mike and Al produce a scent that makes women go wild for sex. While they desperately try to find the recipe for their product of chance, they use it on random women they meet in the train and have sex with them in a hut in the forest. A central problem is to explain their absence from work to wives and colleagues.Only the British could turn a sex fantasy about a perfume that literally turns women wild with desire into a shabby yarn about two married men trying to have sex in a shed... and still failing.
- DirectorNorman J. WarrenStarsBarry StokesTony MaidenGlory AnnenThree specimens from a female race of aliens crash land in England and abduct four earthlings by accident. They decide to use the opportunity to start experimenting. On the males.This is actually Spaced Out, the second of three incredibly lame sci-fi sex films of the 1970s (the third was Zeta One--when you see it, try to get your head round the notion that twenty films even crappier nudged it off this list!). No sex, hardly any nudity, and sets and special effects that would embarrass a school play. You won't believe this, but there were actually even worse ones made in Germany and America. Yes, worse than this.
- DirectorDerek FordStarsVictor SpinettiVanessa HowardDennis WatermanThree part 'trilogy of comedy'. In 'This' Susan Stress, a fading sex symbol attempts to win the lead in a movie by seducing the son of a film producer only to make a fool of herself in a case of mistaken identity. In 'That' George is a depressed middle aged loner whose suicide attempt is interrupted by the arrival of a child-like hippy girl who proceeds to turn his life on its head. While in 'The Other' Harold, an avid sex film fan and taxi driver, crashes his cab after being distracted by the leggy charms of his latest passenger. Suffering a thump on the head, Harold has bizarre hallucinations and ends up being chased around a forest by shapely girls.This is actually another passion killer administered by the ubiquitous Stanley Long, originally (and still) titled This, That, and the Other. To understand the British, note that the cabbie in the last of three yarns is actually more interested in getting paid his fare than in getting his share of all the sexual activity around him. Most of us would pay that, just to see what he's ignoring...
- DirectorDerek FordStarsChristopher MitchellJulia GoodmanHarry H. CorbettA doctor fathers 837 brilliant sons through an artificial insemination program, and every woman wants a donation.The only hilarious thing about this supposed sex comedy about an incredibly fertile sperm donor is that the makers don't seem to comprehend the difference between simple potency and sexual performance. None of the women chasing this drip actually want to get pregnant, they're just assuming he's good in bed. The giveaway to this fallacy is that like most leading men in British sex-coms, he's running away from them. If it wasn't for The Amorous Milkman, this would be the worst British sex-com ever made. Imagine that for a minute.
- DirectorDerek FordStarsJames DonnellyLarry TaylorValerie St. JohnSix unconnected stories involving wife and husband swapping, or swinging, are described in a titillating way while analyzed by a pseudo psychologist.A legend in the bad movie listings, and the most unerotic and unwatchable sex film ever made. Heartbreakingly embarrassing, the major flaw in the proceedings being that the wives don't actually want to participate--a major drawback when you're trying to jumpstart a sex orgy. College Rules it ain't. More like Parents' Evening. If you must watch it, take the precaution of having the Samaritans on speed dial.
Jon is not on Facebook, but can reply to comments here, at the base of this list.
Gav, if you're that sensitive and humourless, best stay away from 1970s sex-coms. P.S. Was complaining about that really the first thing you had to do on Saturday morning!?
Obsessed with the popular culture of the 1960s and surrounding decades, Jon Abbott has been writing about film and TV for over thirty years in around two dozen different publications, trade, populist, and specialist. He is the author of several books, including
Irwin Allen Television Productions 1964-1970,
Stephen J. Cannell Television Productions: A History of All Series and Pilots,
The Elvis Films,
Cool TV of the 1960s: Three Shows That Changed the World,
and Strange New World: Sex Films of the 1970s.
See his Amazon author's page, and his other lists on the IMDB, all under the pre-fix DISCOVER.