- It's better to make people laugh than cry.
- I knew with Porridge (1974) from the first episode. It was in front of an audience which is a wonderful sounding board as to how well it's going. My wife was in the audience for that and she said afterwards 'This is going to be a big success' and she was right.
- [on the death of Jon Pertwee] I thoroughly enjoyed working with him. It was always great fun and we had a lot of laughs. Jon was always very nattily dressed. He was certainly the smartest looking Doctor Who (1963). I last saw him at a party I gave last summer. He was in good spirits and looked very healthy.
- We had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.
- The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
- Don't just crit their siticising.
- I suppose I would like to be remembered as one of the funniest men that people have seen on television.
- The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
- Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the 'secret milkshake.'
- But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
- In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
- Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
- In a packed programme tonight, we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
- To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world.
- There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's 'Sea Pictures' at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle disappeared.
- We're getting paid just to make ourselves laugh. It's not a bad life, is it?
- If you like something, you put it up on the wall. Just sling it on the wall and enjoy it.
- I enjoyed Open All Hours (1976) more (than Porridge (1974)) because of David (Jason).
- When they says it's gentle, they normally mean they don't think it's very funny.
- [announcing his retirement] Witness all ye now here present that I, Ronald William George Barker, known to the world of the footlights as Ronnie Barker, have now stepped from the spotlight after 40 years and whereas I have no longer any claim to the title the Guvnor, being that I no longer hold sway over nor have power to command supporting actors, bit players, stooges and feeds; now this hereby witnesseth that it is my chosen and deliberate intention forthwith to abdicate the said title of the Guvnor in favor of my good loyal and trusty servant David Granville Dithers Jason; and that he now is entitled to bear arms in the dignity of the office and title of the Guvnor and to enjoy all the privileges thereunto belonging. Signed in the presence of these worthies hereunder: Arthur Arkwright, Grocer; Norman S. Fletcher, Director; Rustless of Chrome Hall KGB OM; and Ronnie Barker, the ex-Guvnor. God Save The Queen.
- [a poem he composed to David Jason, to commemorate Jason's impending knighthood] Congratulations, little feed/her gracious Majesty decreed/that Granville, little errand lad/and Del Boy, Frost, and others had/all served their nation passing well/so here's to Granville, Frost and Del! The old ex-Guvnor's proud to see/his comrade reach such high degree/knight of the realm, and TV star/who never thought he'd get this far. 'Arise, Sir David', she will say/the sword upon your shoulder lay. I raise a glass filled to the brim/and truly say, 'Good Knight from him.'
- He was wonderful. I loved Jon [Jon Pertwee]. I thought he was a very good actor, I don't think he acted enough. Of course he got into Doctor Who (1963), which was wonderful for him, but he got stuck with it a bit, I thought. But I thoroughly enjoyed working with him on stage. We only stole the show in as much as we only said the lines that were in the script of course.
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