- Modesty is not one of my virtues.
- Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
- [on Vanessa Redgrave's anti-Zionist remarks] I am that Zionist hoodlum she was talking about. It's just a pity I wasn't on the platform tonight. I would have gone for the jugular.
- [to a 1960s all-black audience] Before I go any further, you should understand you've been backing the wrong 'King'. He wants to get you into Woolworth's. I'll get you into '21'.
- Jews shouldn't play golf, it's not for them. We aggravate too easily. We carry 2,000 years of persecution on us. And then all of a sudden to go out there and beat a ball into the ground is a little too much.
- Women live longer than men. The reason for it is they're not married to women.
- If I walk into a restaurant and I see a sign "Food like Mother used to cook," I report them to the Board of Health.
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