- The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
- Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
- Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
- I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
- I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
- For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
- But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
- But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
- When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
- Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
- To me, comedy is a game.
- People only have so much attention.
- Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
- Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
- I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
- I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
- I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
- I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
- People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
- Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
- It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
- There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
- I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
- I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
- I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
- I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
- I never set out to do a sketch show.
- I love Steven Wright.
- I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
- I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
- I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
- I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
- But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
- Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
- Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
- And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
- I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
- I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
- And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
- And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
- The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
- I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
- I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
- I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
- Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
- I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
- My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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