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1-78 of 78
- Segment 1: Commercial: Gordon Lightfoot Sings Every Song Ever Written; 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious,' 'Happy Birthday,' 'Good King Wenceslas,' '76 Trombones' and more, from K-Tel. Record $4.99, tape or cassette $6.99. Segment 2: Cooking with Marcello: Vatican; Live, via the SCTV satellite, Marcello visits the Vatican and waits to tour the kitchens. He pinches the wrong girl and buys a souvenir picture of the pope. The pope gets kidnapped. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 18: Sports; Hockey was better when there were only 6 teams. Now it's too hard to carry around your cards. And why is Monday Night Football on Thursday? Segment 4: Crazy Crafts: Bob; Molly has a bit of a hangover. She introduces Bob, who she met last night, and tries to figure out what she made the night before. Segment 5: Message from Guy: Alpha Channel; Guy introduces Alpha Channel, and explains why he uses a wheelchair: "for respect." Segment 6: Promo: Alpha Channel; The exclusive Alpha Channel goes behind the scenes to show Neil Simon working on a script, Jane Fonda's latest movie, Woody Allen's movie and Alan Alda talking to his agent. Segment 7: Bill Needle's Mailbag 8; The show length is cut in half again, to seven and a half seconds. Segment 8: Dialing for Dollars: Partridge Family Goes to Mars; The jackpot is 10 dollars. Walter gets a threatening phone call.
- Segment 1: Promo: Shakespeare in the Park; Norman has problems with the set, and a punk in the audience. Segment 2: Cheryl Kinsey, Traveling Sexologist; Cheryl, on a surprise house call, helps out some newlyweds with technique. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 19: Boom Shadows, Stuff that Bugs Us; They show the boom microphone and boom shadows. They give up on their other topic. Segment 4: Promo: The Merv Griffin Show: Arafat, Liberace, Ferigno; Coat linings, terrorism, Merv does a number with Liberace, Loni's breasts, Hulk's makeup. Segment 5: Message from Guy: Viewer Mail; Guy reads some letters, promotes some souvenir coins. Segment 6: PSA: Participation; Come on Canada, it's time to get active [Note: Participation was a Canadian government program to encourage Canadians to exercise more.] Segment 7: Promo: Flashing Eyes; Chuck grills a marathon runner and takes another shot at Gerry Brown; Mandoza comes back as a marathon swimmer. [Notes: Theme music by ELP; this show is a sequel to 4th Degree from episode 2x12.] Segment 8: Mel's Rock Pile: Speed of Light; Mel looks at the top ten, talks to some of the kids (the Bloughs, all unrelated), while Speed of Light backs out of their gig. [Note: Mel has perfected his classic dance stance, the classic theme and set.]
- Segment 1: Promo: Monster chiller Horror Theatre: The House of Cats; Count Floyd shows Some clips from the three-dimensional semi-classic. Floyd is selling the 3D glasses for 27 bucks. Segment 2: Clip: Dr. Tongue's 3D House of Cats; Dr. Tongue transforms women into cats. (The 3D technique is not quite perfected at this point.) Segment 3: SCTV Sports Central: Desert Classic; Coverage of the Bob Hope Desert Classic begins with some background on Bob's golf career. Segment 4: Commercial: Delay; Have your headache when you want it. Segment 5: Betty Bain: Professional Juror; Betty takes jury duty seriously, sacrificing her family life. Segment 6: Promo: Masterpiece Theatre: Naughty Chambermaids; Alistair's introduction is interrupted by a walk on by Bob Hope plugging his special. Segment 7: Bob Hope Desert Classic; Bob and Lou host this star-studded golfing event. Begin has a bad lie, and argues with Arafat. King Fahud shows Lola how to hold her putter. Charlton Heston helps Golda chip through a pipeline. Arafat occupies the 12th hole, while Begin takes the 13th fairway. Lou gets lost off the 18th hole.
- Another spoof of Don Kirshner's Rock Concert hosted by Mel Slirrup. Mel's guest is actor-cum-singer Richard Harris, who performs a reworked version of his 1969 hit "Macarthur Park."
- Segment 1: Message from Prickley: Rock Concert; Edith welcomes us to another fine year at SCTV. She introduces herself ("I replaced that schmo Moe Green"), and invites us to stay tuned. Segment 2: Promo: Rhoda; Rhoda's running a clinic, and she's lost weight. Segment 3: Promo: My Fair Lady; The Professor finds Perini a touch nut to crack. They sing the "Rain in Spain" bit. Segment 4: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 1: Introductory Show; Bob and Doug McKenzie announce that they had to change the name to Great White North for legal reasons. They have new boots. Segment 6: SCTV News: Earl's funblemouth; Togo blames quake on the CIA. Earl has trouble delivering his items. Segment 7: Promo: My Life: One More Time; Woody finds someone he can relate to. Segment 8: Lee A. Iacocca's Rock Concert; Lee asks for 1.5 billion dollars in government assistance and encourages viewers to harass their congressmen. He then complains about government regulations. He introduces Ringo's new band Rings ("Cause I know That You'll Always be True"). Lee offers a five dollar rebate and her personal guarantee to every viewer, and introduces Gino Vinelli ("Stop"). Lee introduces his daughter Imogena and also introduces Slim and Barbra ("You Don't Bring Me Flowers"). Lee once more urges viewers to write the government, then introduces George Carlin. Finally, Lee introduces Tony Orlando and sings a duet with him ("Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round a Dodge Omni"). Lee makes a final pitch.
- Segment 1: Got a Minute with Dr. Sid Dithers; Dr. Sid eventually gets around to discussing stress. Segment 2: Kanadian Korner 28: Mystery Guest; Doug has earmuffs over his eyes. They play name that beer. Segment 3: Promo: Taxi Driver with Bob Hope; Bob Hope is looking at you this season on SCTV. Segment 4: Message From Guy: The New Year; Guy reflects on the new year and what it might be like in 1984...and then passes out. Segment 5: Message From Prickley: The New Year; Prickley is in Guy's chair reflecting on the new year and 1984. Segment 6: SCTV New Year's Eve Party; Bobby interviews some station personalities as the countdown to 1984 begins. Segment 7: Stand By / Telescreen Bumper / Time and Weather; Stand By..."This is Telescreen. Do not adjust. It is a crime to adjust Telescreen." (At this point, everything is a parody of the George Orwell book '1984', with Orson Welles appearing in still images as Big Brother). Segment 8: Komrade Kangaroo; Komrade Kangaroo makes a megaphone and uses it to eavesdrop on mommy and daddy. He then notifies Mr. Screen. Next week: Bunny Rabbit will be vaporized and stuffed to make decorations for hate week. Segment 9: Promo: Hanging at 22:00 hours / Telescreen Bumper Segment 10: Comrade Allen; An exercise show where Comrade Allen concentrates on touching toes. Segment 11: Promo: Doublethink Game Show; Contestants vie for razor blades and shoe laces trying to guess whether the chocolate ration went up or down. Segment 12: The Praise Big Brother Show; Religious talk show with Jim Bakker as host. Charlton Heston does a walk-on to the show. Before they start talking, the lights go down, and Heston announces that resistance fighters are attacking the Ministry of Love. The caption 'Thoughtcrime' appears as Heston denounces Big Brother and the Party of Oceana. Segment 13: Message From Prickley: The New Year; Prickley wakes up from her dream and its the normal new year of 1984 without Big Brother. Segment 14: Message From Guy: The New Year; Guy wakes up and wraps up the show.
- Monster Chiller Horror Theatre presents Dick Cavett where Dick (Rick Moranis) interviews Bobby Bitman (Eugene Levy); Bob and Doug are on the lam and talk about cops in Alberta.
- Segment 1: Message from Guy: Thursday Night Guy complains about the plant in his office, and introduces SCTV's new hip, relevant comedy show. Segment 2: Announcement: Little House Across the Mersey Segment 3: Thursday Night Live Live from Edmonton, it's Thursday Night, SCTV's new hip, relevant comedy show, hosted by Earl Camembert. With lots of whooping and hollering, drug references and bad language. A parody of "Saturday Night Live" and "Fridays". Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 2: Doug's got his earmuffs on Doug misses the start of the show because his earmuffs are on. [Great White North] Segment 5: Promo: Dat's Da Name of Dat Tune Funky contestants name funky tunes. Segment 6: Promo: Bittman Does Dallas Bobby sings ("Abelline"), gives a stirring speech ("Remember the Alamo!"), and dances with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. "How are y'all!" Segment 7: K-Tel's Fast-Talking Playhouse: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Harvey K-Tel presents a 2 minute version of the classic play. They finish early. Segment 8: Promo: Guy Friday Guy works for one of the most powerful women in business today. He's the man behind the woman. (Note: Guy flies Great White North Airline) Segment 9: Commercial: Half Legs For the woman in you. Segment 10: Point/Counterpoint: Alcoholism Cronkite and Brinkley discuss alcoholism. Walter runs a film of a Saturn 4 taking off.
- Woody Allen (Rick Moranis) gets writing advice and help from Bob Hope (Dave Thomas) and Bing Crosby (Joe Flaherty).
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Conversational New Yorkese with Norman Gorman; Small dogs, Walter and Dorothy, and regular coffee. Segment 2: Commercial: Tex and Edna Boil's Organ Emporium: New Location; The Emporium has moved. Tex and Edna bring back budgies from Brazil. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 6: Back Bacon and Snow Chains; Bob cooks up some back bacon, while Doug's got snow chains on his feet. Doug gets the camera to zoom in. Segment 4: Promo: Donahue: The Pope; The pope answers to a higher order. Segment 5: 60/20; Earl hosts this hard-hitting investigative reporting program and looks into the influence of television and the media. Earl talks to Dr. Angly from the state penitentiary, who figures it's the coffee Earl's drinking. He comes back two weeks later, and sure enough, Earl's got a better handle on things. Earl next interviews detective Tulios, who blows him off. Jack Wallace turns the tables on Earl and takes over his show. Segment 6: Message from Guy: Satellite Orbit Decaying; Guy asks for money to help get the satellite back into its proper orbit. Segment 7: PSA: Be a Foster Boss; Give a charlady a chance. Segment 8: The Lone Ranger Show; (This is a spoof of the Lone Ranger and The Tonight Show; Featuring Johnny Carson). The Lone Ranger does his monologue; they do the 'Visitor from the East' bit; Kip Adotta comes out with sub-standard material, gets hog-tied and branded; Wishbone comes out, and just as he's about to reveal who's responsible for rustling cattle, takes an arrow. The Ranger rushes off to investigate. (The Lone Ranger 'William Tell Overture' theme plays over the end credits.)
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Conversational Scottish with Angus Crock; Phrases of the day: "Bob's your uncle." "Can I owe it to you, all I got's a fiver." "Away w'ye." "Wee beasties." "That's my marmalade." Segment 2: Promo: Chick Monk: Roadie Marriage Counselor; Chick helps a couple get it together, saves them from a falling speaker stack and blows his amp. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 8: Back Packing with Beer on Ski Trips; Doug has a tip on getting your beer through snow with skis. Segment 4: Dick Cavett: Dick Cavett; Dick's guest is Dick Cavett. Segment 5: Gaslight, Part 1; (A spoof of the film-neoir of the same name). Cecil and the low-class maid are after Cynthia's jewels and have a plan to drive her insane. Instead, they decide to speed up the process a bit. Segment 6: Gaslight, Part 2; Cecil and the maid have trouble knocking Cynthia off. Segment 7: Sermonette: Father Raoul Wilson; Raoul discusses the uplifting potential of some magazines.
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Glamour with Veronica Swansong; Veronica has an ambitious young director to keep her feeling glamorous. Segment 2: Message From Prickley: The Sammy Maudlin Show; Edith promotes Sammy's show. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 11: Miracle of Back Bacon; Doug takes over, gets the crew to join in on the theme and tells the story of the miracle of back bacon. Segment 4: Promo: Stretch Your Arm; Contestants have their stretched for big money. Segment 5: ronny Barrett's Sports; Ronny has the latest gossip about sports figures. Segment 6: Promo: Taxi Driver with Gregory Peck; Gregory Peck is looking at you this season on SCTV. Segment 7: Commercial: TotaControl; Control all your household appliances with one handy device. Segment 8: Message From Guy: Announcer screws up; The announcer flubs the announcement. Segment 9: The Sammy Maudlin Show: Bob Hope in China; (Joined in progress.) Bobby's routine, which was bombing anyway, is interrupted when Bob Hope makes a surprise walk on to plug his new special, "I Owe Peking 2,000 Dollars." He brought some outtakes. After showing the outtakes, Hope takes off. Bittman gets up to continue his routine and Danny Thomas walks on. [During the credits, Bittman calls Caballero to complain.] Segment 10: Outtakes: The Making of "I Owe Peking 2,000 Dollars"; Bob Hope and his writers pitch some jokes to the Chinese.
- Segment 1: Men on Women: Women's Bikinis; Raoul gets going by playing the sexy theme music again. He reads some letters and talks about bikinis with his guests. Segment 2: Message from Guy: Men on Women; Guy stands up for controversial programming like Men on Women, then Guy gets a call from his wife. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 15: Rolling your own with ski mitts; A crew member wanders across the set wearing a Canadiens toque. Topic: "your snowmobile has broken down, you're loaded, and now you roll your own cigarette ... while wearing ski mitts." Doug demonstrates. Segment 4: Cooking with Marcello: Breakaway Bottles; Marcello is joined by his guest, a stunt woman, and they cook some breakaway bottles. Segment 5: Promo: Taxi Driver with Woody Allen; Woody Allen is looking at you this season on SCTV. Segment 6: Bill Needle's Mailbag 6; Bill's show is cut to 30 seconds, but he's still fighting. Segment 7: Message From Guy: Irwin Allen Show; Guy introduces the Irwin Allen Show, and is interrupted by a phone call from the Lutonian Liberation Front, who have kidnapped Moe Green. Guy still won't pay their excessive (now heavily discounted) ransom. Segment 8: The Irwin Allen Show; Irwin's guests Shelley Winters is swept away by a flash flood, Red Buttons is attacked by giant bees. Charlton Heston is crushed under debris.
- Segment 1: The Sammy Mauldin Show: Lorna Minelli, Trish Nutly joined already in progress. Lorna sings her mother's signature song. Bobby Bittman makes in impromptu appearance to plug his upcoming special. Sammy and Bobby trade compliments. Trish Nutly, a young new star, is Sammy's next guest...she's disgusted and tells them what a bunch of phonies they all are. Segment 2: Sunrise Semester: Classical Greek with Alki Stereopolis The dialogue between Menelaus and Pericles. Segment 3: Commercial: Spray-On Socks No more droop around the ankles. Segment 4: The $211,000 Triangle Bobby Bittman screws it up for contestants. Segment 5: Cooking with LaRue: Cat Food Johnny has a great recipe for the under-employed Segment 6: Backstage Lorna auditions for a part that Trish already has nailed down. Segment 7: Crosswords Part 1 Alistair Cook introduces an obscure Pinter play. Segment 8: Promo: The Exorcist of Oz Lorna Minelli as Dorothy Segment 9: Crosswords Part 2 Crosswords continues. Segment 10: Commercial: Shakespeare's Greatest Jokes Including footnotes, so you can get the jokes you get. Segment 11: Words to Live By: Father Michael Meyer Father Meyer reads from the book of Caucasians.
- Segment 1: Words to Live By: Rabbi Karlov; The Rabbi provides advice on dealing with gentle insults, and brings Angus out to demonstrate. Segment 2: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 3: Promo: Elvis 'n Costello; Songs and sketches with Elvis and Costello Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 3: The French Problem; Separatism in Quebec and back bacon. Segment 5: Commercial: Melba's Disco Jeans; Just zip them up and watch them dance for you. Segment 6: SCTV News: Earl's film doesn't come up; Togo applies to come to Nebraska. Earl takes up the rest of the newscast smiling at the camera, waiting for the film of his bus race item. Segment 7: Crazy Crafts: First Show; After 15 years off the air, Molly reviews some crafts from the past. Segment 8: Message from Guy: Live Theatre; Guy blows away the cheap plant in his office and introduces SCTV Live Theatre. Segment 9: SCTV Live Theatre: Death of a Salesman; Death of a Salesman, live from the Melonville Theatre. Margaret Hamilton gets knocked out by an object resembling a late 20th century stage lamp, while John clears the house when a seed pops out of his joint and starts a fire. Guy swears off live performances.
- Main sketch is a combination of the film Midnight Express and the rock performance TV series The Midnight Special, hosted by Abbot and Costello, with special performances by Wolfman Jack (Rick Moranis) and Randy Newman (Dave Thomas).
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Communicating in Italian with Marcello Sebastiano Marcello instructs on basic hand gestures, looking at women and the evil eye. Segment 2: Teaser: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Death Motel; Floyd plugs Death Motel. Segment 3: Commercial: Bubie's Chicken Medication; Chicken soup for all ailments, from Al's bubie. Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 5: Snow Chains; Doug has worked out the full two-part theme; he doesn't quite get around to the topic of snow chains. Segment 5: Commercial: Edna's Back from Ronco Records; Features the song: "Killing Me Softly," "What Have They Done To My Face, Ma," "Make It an Open Casket, Cause I Might Be Coming Back," "The Night They Drove Old Edna Down." Segment 6: Promo: Danny Eubanks: Seminarian / Rookie Cop; Danny Eubanks is a seminarian who was training to become a priest, until his father got bumped off. Segment 7: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Death Motel; Floyd introduces the film and plugs his 3-D glasses ($15.95, certified checks only). Segment 8: Death Motel, Part 1; Young newlyweds arrive at the motel, where Bruno is the bellboy. As they get ready for bed, they are being watched... (Note: the classic 3-D sound effect!) Segment 9: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre, Part 2; Straight back to the movie. Afterward, Count Floyd's guest is Woody Tobias, Jr. They discuss Woody's father and his early career. Segment 10: Death Motel, Part 2; Bruno arrives to turn down the bed and terrorizes the wife in the process. The husband goes for the manager, leaving Bruno with her.
- Segment 1: Promo: The Young and the Wrestling Snapper challenges Jill's boyfriend. Segment 2: Money Talks with Brian Johns: William Douglas Brian interviews Mr. Douglas at his fabulous Bel Air home. (Theme music is 'Money' by The Leaping Lizards.) Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 4: Calculators Bob calls the show again and explains they can't use that name unless they spell it with K's. Doug gets the camera to zoom in. They are opposed to kids using calculators in school... because they didn't get to. Segment 4: Promo: Make Me Barf Contestants try to identify various objects without throwing up. Segment 5: Dialing for Dollars, Part 1 Walter Cronkite, replacing Moe Green as the host, introduces the feature and talks about his controversial exit from CBS. Walter makes a call to Ted Kennedy. Segment 6: My Factory, My Self, Part 1 Dolly is harassed by her supervisor (Mr. Adamitus) at the nuclear-powered textile factory. When she gets home, her husband Michael tells her he's leaving her. At the Veteran's hospital, where she volunteers, Biff encourages her to form a union. (Note: This is a parody of the films 'An Unmarried Woman' with Jill Clayburgh, 'Coming Home' with Jane Fonda, 'Norma Rae' with Sally Field and 'Kramer vs. Kramer' with Meryl Streep... with the nuclear reactor from 'The China Syndrome' thrown in for good measure.) Segment 7: Dialing for Dollars, Part 2 Walter makes another call, this time to a guy who's not too thrilled to hear from him. After the movie, Walter makes some prank calls. Segment 8: My Factory, My Self, Part 2 Michael demands his son Billy finish his dinner. Billy refuses, and reaches in the freezer for a pint of ice cream. Michael warns Billy not to open the pint nor take a bite, but Billy ignores him and does so anyway. Dolly returns to the factory to form a union. While her mother Harriet gives an inspiring talk, an explosion rocks the factory, killing Adamitus. The workers unanimously elect Dolly to replace him.
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Man's Ability to Imitate with Mr. Wilcox; Ed Sullivan (shrug the shoulders) and Jimmy Stewart (forget what you are about to say) together. Segment 2: PSA: Concerned Children for Truth In Advertising; A kid notes the discrepancy between commercials and real life. Segment 3: Rebuttal: National Organization to Reinstate Cigarette Advertising; People really do smoke and drink while hot air ballooning. Segment 4: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 17: Snowshoes for Spatulas; What to do when you are out in the open and you forgot your spatula for flipping the back bacon. Segment 6: Promo: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: The Odd Couple; Floyd plugs this week's film, The Odd Couple, where there's a neat guy and a messy guy...who drinks blood! Segment 7: Promo: Sea Talk; Barbra Streisand's nose harpoons a passing Bermuda Chubb, Kip Adotta's air supply runs out and Lloyd stabs himself. Segment 8: SCTV News: Earl Plugs Products; Fire at the ice pick factory. Soviets deny invading Yemen. Earl's items are blatant plugs for products (Tootsie Roll and Hertz). Floyd ends up doing him one better. Segment 9: Comment with David Brinkley: Viletones; Brinkley (looking a little rough) reviews a Viletones concert. Segment 10: Promo: The Invisible Man; Gerry Brown stars as the (partially) invisible man in this Francis Ford Coppola production. Segment 11: Cooking With Marcello: Lobster Cacciatore; Marcello plugs his book about pizza folding. He tries to cook up some lobster cacciatore. The lobster escapes.
- Segment 1: Crazy Crafts: Bingo Drop Cans; Molly welcomes May Sparks, bingo player extraordinaire, who demonstrates the Bingo Drop Can. Segment 2: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 13: Name That Smoke; Doug's invented a new game. Segment 4: Promo: Tom Snyder, MD; Tom talks his way through crises. Segment 5: SCTV News: Earl on roller skates; Earl tries to make the newscast more hip. Lead item: Togo taunts the Soviet Union. Earl accuses Floyd of not being young and hip. Segment 6: Grizzly Abrams; Grizzly gets into trouble and his turtle goes for help. Segment 7: Hugh Betcha's Night Gallery; Bob buys a record that takes him into the nightmare world of Night Gallery. Segment 8: Signoff: The National Anthem; Mel Torme sings the American national anthem, soft of: "Oh say can you seebadeebadeebadeebadee, By the dawn's early, Pardon me boys is that the Chattanooga choo choo, I've got my share and the travel to spare, Oh once I built a railroad, made it run, Kept it running on time, running on time, Once I built a railroad, now it's done, Brother can you spare a, brother can you spare a, Rockets red glare, The bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still, Tall and tan and young and lovely, The girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes our flag was still there, Oh say does that star spangled babadabadanner ye-et wa-a-a-ve, For the land of the freepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers, Jeepers creepers, where'd you get that, Home of the most beautiful girl in the world, picks my tie up, she eats my candy, she drinks my brandy, In the home of the BRAVE!" This is followed by the Canadian national anthem, as selected by Bob and Doug, a medley including Oh Canada, the GWN theme, Anne Murray, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, Lorne Greene, Stompin' Tom and Maple Leaf Forever
- Segment 1: Message from Prickley: Hollywood Extras; Edith plugs the Extras special and brings in a couple of extras. Segment 2: Commercial: Ella Fitzgerald for Mamorex Cassette Tape; Tapes so good, even Ella Fitzgerald can't tell the difference. Segment 3: Bill Needle's Mailbag 5; Bill's show has been cut from 2 minutes to 1. He's got a letter where he's been referred to as a fruit, but he's going to continue his fight for free speech. Segment 4: Promo: Taxi Driver with Dick Cavett; Dick Cavett is looking at you this season on SCTV. Segment 5: Kanadian Korner 14: Exercise; The crew does the opening theme. Bob admits he doesn't know much about exercise. Doug suggests using a wolf pelt. Segment 6: Commercial: Howard's Bristol Cream; What's wrong with asking a real man over, especially when it's for a Howard's Bristol Cream. Segment 7: Sneak Previews; Gene and Robert review the latest Star Wars, 'Empires Are a Girl's Best Friend.' Segment 8: Clip: Empires Are a Girl's Best Friend; Both agree it's the worst Star Wars yet. Dog of the Week is Robert Altman's Henry, based on the comic strip. Segment 9: Clip: Henry; Gene concurs on the dog of the week. Segment 10: Promo: Hawaii Five-Ho; Don divides his time bettween being a cop and the Lounge. Segment 11: Hollywood Salutes Its Extras, Part 1; Another in the series on Bad Acting in Hollywood. Kirk Douglas hosts this look at extras, getting time and a half, their brushes with greatness. Segment 12: Quint-Promo: White Man, Black Girl; White Man, Black Girl; Black Woman, White Boy; Black Man, White Man; Black Boy, White Girl; Black Woman, White Butler, Chinese kid; and Black Woman, White Man, White Boy, Black Girl Love Boat Special. All coming Thursday at nine. Segment 13: Hollywood Salutes Its Extras, Part 2; Sid Dithers, an investor, talks about his experiences with extras. A special business extra discusses Ben Hur.
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Astrology with Angus Crock; Angus tells horoscopes regarding money matters. Segment 2: Promo: Monster Chiller Horror Theatre: Georgy Girl; Count Floyd plugs Georgy Girl, and a set falls over. Segment 3: Kanadian Korner 23: The Best Groups and Doug's Imitations; Disco sucks. Doug imitates two dogs fighting, a boat, sea gulls. Segment 4: SCTV News: Pit Bulls; Orson Welles is trapped in a restaurant booth, Earl has a special report on pit bull fighting. Segment 4a: Special Report: Pit Bull Fighting; Earl, in a disguise, cover a pit bull fight. The hicks discover he is a reporter. The signal is lost and they cut to Comment. Segment 4b: Comment with David Brinkley: Bad Haircut; Brinkley wonders what the hell is wrong with his barber. Floyd still can't get through to Earl at the pit bull fight. Segment 5: Promo: The Cruisin' Gourmet; The Gourmet tenderizes, checks that the bird is dead, and then stuffs the turkey. Segment 6: Two-Way TV; Mr. Kessler demonstrates two-way TV. Obtain medical and banking services through your TV. Or choose the programs you watch: Wall Street Week, The Happy Hooker Goes to Hollywood, Farm Report or Leave It To Beaver. The people choose Leave It To Beaver. Segment 7: Bill Needle's Mailbag 7; The show has been cut to 15 seconds. Segment 8: Promo: Crazy Crafts: Ben Laberriere; Molly interviews artist Ben Laberriere, who wears a bear suit to get materials from the local dump. Segment 9: Sermonette: Rabbi Karlov; The Rabbi (of Temple B'Nai Hill) discusses the Middle East and cooperation.
- Segment 1: Promo: Baa, Baa, Black and White Sheep "She was just a flying nun until Pearl Harbor" Segment 2: Sunrise Semester: Faking Orgasms with Dr. Cheryl Kinsey Human Sexual Response, part 4. Some useful phrases for faking an orgasm: "Don't stop lover, please don't stop;" "Oh you're good, you're so good;" "Make me a woman, big boy;" "Oh, I've got the music in me." Segment 3: Promo: It's an Unusual World, Isn't It? This week, Uri Geller, a hospital where dead celebrities are living as vegetables, and a martial artist. Segment 4: Witness to Yesterday Host Patrick Watson talks to Joan of Arc. Segment 5: SCTV A.M. News: Earl in San Francisco Ragtime piano playing world record broken. Earl didn't quite make it to San Francisco to do a feature on an upcoming earthquake. Segment 6: Commercial: The Amanda II Microwave Oven Cooks a roast in only three seconds. Segment 7: Public Service Announcement: So You're Dead...Now What? Seven simple warning signs that you may be dead. Segment 8: Match Unto My Feet: Passover Match Unto My Feet visits the Dithers family at passover dinner. Father Duffy (from San Francisco) tries to learn about passover. Mr. Dithers leads the service while the children make a racket, and the younger son wants out of the family business. Segment 9: Promo: AC/DC In the morning she's a Mrs., in the afternoon she's a Ms., in the evening she's a Mr. Segment 10: Words to Live By: Father John Duffy The Father talks about the sense of humor, relates a Nancy cartoon, and tells a story about the patron saint of the sense of humor.
- Segment 1: SCTV Editorial: The New Season; Moe introduces the new season. Good news--their license is no longer suspended. Caballero phones: there's a problem, the writer hasn't finished the scripts. Segment 2: Ernest Kirsch, SCTV Writer; Caballero pesters Kirsch for the scripts. First on-camera appearance of Guy Caballero (ina wheelchair that has a phone). Segment 3: Promo: Lola Heatherton In Concert; The beautiful, dynamic, multi-talented Lola in concert this Saturday. ("So Glad to Be Here," "You Light Up My Life") "I want to bear all your children!" Segment 4: Promo: Love Craft; A rich American divorced lady and her daughter take a cruise aboard the Love Craft. She may fly the Greek flag, but the comedy is international. ("You want special? Toast that kaiser!") Segment 5: Commercial: Water Spray from Pocketpic; Great new device for cleaning teeth. "Smile again." Segment 6: SCTV News: Informal chit-chat; Earl tries to lighten the newscast with chit-chat. Floyd has an item on mudslides in Togo and Tarzan accepting the help of mercenaries, and gets Earl to cut back on the chit-chat. Segment 7: Words to Live By with Rev. Ernest Kirsch; Kirsch tries to end the programming day a little early. Caballero calls him up and orders him back to his basement. Segment 8: The Incredible Bulk; At his psychiatrist's office, Bulk meets a woman he can relate to. Segment 9: Commercial: Moxwell House Decaffeinated Coffee; The stock boy has trouble stacking tins of juice. Segment 10: Feedback with Moe Green; Moe has a call-in show. He solicits feedback on the new season, and is forced to make some calls instead. Segment 11: Ernest Kirsch SCTV Writer, Part 2; Caballero pursues Kirsch to get those scripts. Caballero signs off.
- Segment 1: Commercial: Johnny LaRue for City Council Johnny makes his pitch for city council, and he denies that he's gay. Paid for by the Sicilian Homophile Society. Segment 2: Promo: The Silly Bastard Andrew travels to England to find his real father. Segment 3: SCTV Election Central, Part 1: Highlights from The Great Debate SCTV News coverage of the election begins with some highlights of the debate between candidates. Early returns come in with LaRue far behind. Segment 4: Clip of The Great Debate Earl, Johnny's campaign manager, is the moderator. Jack wants to face the ultimate political confrontation, Shirley wants a political theater, and Johnny proposes a bird sanctuary/casino. Segment 5: Promo One Is Enough When you're Barbie Somers, one is definitely enough. Segment 6: Commercial: Moxwell House Decaffeinated Coffee The stock boy has trouble stacking tins of juice. Segment 7: SCTV Election Central, Part 2: Statistics Earl has some election statistics. Segment 8: Commercial: Career Home Study The next time you buy some matches, don't just pick your teeth with them. Segment 9: SCTV Election Central, Part 3: LaRue's Speech Earl is at Johnny's campaign headquarters to get Johnny's reaction to his defeat (he's bitter). Note: Johnny's slogan is "Legalize LaRue."
- Segment 1: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 1 The evening's hosts are introduced, and Earl and Floyd start things off by introducing an excerpt from a 1952 hearing featuring Earl's dad. Segment 2: 1952 Hearing on Un-American Activities, Earl's dad rats on his grandmother. Segment 3: Commercial: Palmoval, With special acid-based compounds to burn away grease. Segment 4: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 2 Lin Ye Tang and Johnny LaRue introduce excerpts of classic westerns that were canceled by the FCC for excessive violence. Segment 5: Film Clip: Yellowbelly Segment 6: Film Clip: The Old Texas Rangers Segment 7: Film Clip: Liverboat Segment 8: Commercial: Delay Have your headache when you want it. Segment 9: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Part 3 Cheryl Kinsey and Lola Heatherton introduce the classic panel show "What's My Showsize?" Segment 10: What's My Shoesize? Panelists fail to guess the shoe size of contestant Barry Stubing (size 16). Segment 11: SCTV 30th Anniversary Show, Conclusion
- Segment 1: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 1 Sammy and William B. exchange compliments. Sammy welcomes Edith, who plugs bobby Bittman's latest movie before rushing off. (Note: one of the few that doesn't start 'already in progress.') Segment 2: Commercial: Chet Vet the Dead Pet Remover Chet will remove your dead pet. No animal too small or too large. Segment 3: Commercial: LaRue Toys Having received complaints about his toys, safety is the motto for LaRue's latest toy, Jessie the sponge. Segment 4: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 2 Bobby Bittman plugs his latest film, which he directed, and shows a clip from the movie. After the clip, Sammy brings out Bobby's co-star, Lola Heatherton. Segment 5: Clip: On the Waterfront Again Terry and his girlfriend find his brother hanging from a stevedore's hook. (Note: On the Waterfront Again is a parody of the 1954 film, On the Waterfront.) Segment 6: Commercial: Evelyn Wolf School of Speed Eating and LaRue's Speed Drinking Book Don't loiter over your meals. Special bonus: Johnny LaRue's Speed Drinking book. Segment 7: The Sammy Maudlin Show: On the Waterfront Again, Part 3 Bobby Bittman shows another clip. After the clip, Lin Ye Tang, the only man who could hang on a stevedore's hook and act the part of really being dead, comes out. Bobby quips that good acting does not have to take a back seat to race, creed or color. Sammy sums up by saying these three prove to us all that, if you apply yourself, anybody, no matter how bad, can act. Segment 8: Clip: On the Waterfront Again Charlie tried to convince Terry not to testify.
- Segment 1: Sunrise Semester: Do It Yourself Advertising with Phil; Phil the Garment King (also of Phil's Nails) offers tips on doing your own commercials: just be yourself, prices that are easy to say, get a gimmick and keep your hands in your pockets. Segment 2: Promo: Chick Monk, Roadie for the Defense; Chick checks levels, tapes down some cables and averts disaster in the form of a falling speaker stack. Segment 3: Teaser: SCTV News Segment 4: Kanadian Korner 24: Star Wars; Doug does his phaser and Darth Vader. Segment 5: SCTV News: 4th Anniversary; Togo enters the Guinness Book of Records for the most earthquakes in a year. Earl is going to give an editorial on friendship, but first a message from their new sponsor. Segment 6: Commercial: Mr. Earl Doll; Floyd shows just how much fun you can have with a Mr. Earl Doll, from Robertson toys. Segment 7: SCTV News: 4th Anniversary, Part 2; Earl decides not to give his editorial. Segment 8: Commercial: Joni Mitchell's For Dogs Only; With vocal tricks only a dog can appreciate, including "A Poodle In Paradise" and "The Last Time I Saw Rover." The two record set only $47.50, tape $88.95. Segment 9: Bill Needle's Mailbag 3; Bill doesn't have any good mail. He editorializes about celebrities, but can't use any names for legal reasons, so he refers to them using the names of fruit. Singers thinking they are actors ('Coconut') particularly bug him. Segment 10: Message from Guy: SCTV Premiere of Star Wars; Guy is pleased to introduce the latest Star Wars film, an SCTV exclusive. But first a message from their new sponsor. Segment 11: Commercial: Videotech Complete Home Entertainment System; Videotech provides everything you need to enjoy and copy movies at home. They even deliver. "You'll never have to leave home again." Segment 12: Message from Guy: SCTV Premiere of Star Wars, Part 2; Star Wars XXXIV, Return to Planet of Empires, is interrupted as it becomes obvious it is an illegal copy. Guy runs for it. Segment 13: Dialing for Dollars: The Fly Returns to Beneath the Planet of the Apes; There is $1,050 in the jackpot and Walter makes some calls. He phones a guy who looks it up in the TV Guide. Walter hangs up on him. The guy phones back.
- Contestants risk a hellish fate on the Dante's Inferno game show. In his first-ever Monster Chiller Horror Theatre, Count Floyd presents a parody of Marie Curie.
- SCTV writers go on strike, leaving everyone on their own.
- When a young man introduces his fiancee to his parents, events take a spooky turn. The White House is full of mischief in "Welcome Back President Kotter." Connie Franklin's most depressing pop songs are for sale.
- A parody of "Rocky" features Rocky Balboa managing a chubby boxer named Hefty.
- The inaugural (pilot) show introduces several major characters of the SCTV Network TV studio in Mellonville who would be the backbone of the series. These include Johnny LaRue, Earl Camembert, Floyd Robertson and Moe Green. Featured is a somewhat primitive wraparound concept dealing with Johnny LaRue. The Sunrise Semester Show would end up appearing in every season except the last. Segment 1: Commercial for Lasermatic Flash Camera Attachment Turns night into day Segment 2: Sunrise Semester: Bookkeeping with Moe Green Tips on keeping books, and a bit of anti-capitalist ranting Segment 3: Promo: Unnecessary Surgeon / Malpractice Lawyer When little problems demand extreme solutions, it's Unnecessary Surgeon. And then, defending helpless doctors against greedy patients, it's Malpractice Lawyer. Back to Back! Segment 4: The Johnny LaRue Exercise Show LaRue crushes rumors about his being gay. Routines include the head roll, jogging on the spot, working out with the fridge door and eating a sandwich Segment 5: SCTV A.M. News Today: Big News / Little News Floyd has some big news items. Earl has some little local news items. Frustrated, he makes up a big item of his own. Segment 6: Commercial: Evelyn Woods Speed Talking School Don't waste time communicating Segment 7: Backstage Real life stories of the exciting people who make television. Johnny's ratings are down, his show is canceled, and his accountant Moe informs him he only has 14 cents. And, he can't get it up. Filled with self-loathing, he goes for help. Segment 8: Public Service Announcement: Stop Those Depressing Ads A plea to stop depressing ads Segment 9: Masterpiece Theatre: The Girls of Vienna Alistair Cook introduces this week's Freudian drama, by Ibsen: "The Girls of Vienna Part XII--Betty Freud." This is a drama about Sigmund Freud's wife, Betty. Her friend George is interrupted by Johnny LaRue looking for help. Johnny goes on a rampage. Segment 10: SCTV P.M. News: Big News / Little News continued Robertson interrupts Earl's item with news of Johnny LaRue's rampage, possibly the biggest disaster in entertainment history Segment 11: Words To Live By: Joni Newton Buffy We are all one.... and that sort of cosmic thing
- Segment 1: Station Announcement: Ethnic Disclaimer Harold insists that any racist jokes in the show do not reflact the management's views. Segment 2: Sunrise Semester: Gypsy Mythology with Dr. Ernest Bruter Dr. Bruter describes how Gypsies were created. Segment 3: The Leutonian Hour The Leuronians do a dance. A fight breaks out with the Gypsies. Segment 4: Promo: Plainclothes Mountie Curtis tracks down criminals on horseback. Segment 5: Out Patient Three jocks are in for a vascetomy. Segment 6: Hints for Homemakers: Amish Food Money saving tips on feeding your family. Segment 7: Commercial: North American Stethoscopy Institute Segment 8: Theater North American Lin Ye Tang (a Canadian) introduces the great Canadian play, "We're Gonna Be Alright, You Creep, Leaving Home and All, Eh?" (Johnny's home from hockey camp, and the family sits down for dinner). Segment 9: Commercial: Golden Hits of the 11th Century With each album you order, a one year temporary indulgence. Segment 10: Words to Live By: Ernest Bruter Ernest casts doubt on the ten commandments.
- Segment 1: SCTV Editorial: Lutonian Liberation Front Moe Green declares publicly that he won't back down to threats from the Lutonian Liberation Front. Segment 2: Donna: Barbara Streisberg Joined in progress. Donna's guest Barbara Streisberg tries to song a song. Segment 3: Promo: Master Sergeant Chef The sergeant prepares dinner for the ambassador and his party. Segment 4: SCTV News: Moe Green Kidnapped An outbreak of Legionnaire's disease breaks out in Hawaii; Plattsburg cleanup; and Earl keeps forgetting the Moe Green kidnapping item: he's been kidnapped by Leftists For Lutonia. To finish, Earl gives an editorial about the kidnapping. Segment 5: Commercial: Cup 'n Soup The cup you cook up with the soup. Segment 6: Petty Claims Court Various petty people make petty claims to the bailiff. Segment 7: Commercial: Linkin Mercury Dali Edition Dali abandons function for concept. Segment 8: Commercial: K-Tel Salvador Dali Car Stash Wax Save the mustache on your Linkin Mercury Dali Edition car. Segment 9: Promo: SCTV Movie of the Week: Nice Kids from Hell Some nice kids terrorize the neighborhood. Segment 10: SCTV News Bulletin: Message from Moe Green A tape from Moe Green has arrived after SCTV refused to pay the excessive $2,000 ransom. Earl and Floyd discuss it.
- Meet a woman raised by geese. Two restaurant sketches. Raoul Wilson teaches sleazy relaxation techniques.
- Segment 1: Yoga with Swami Banananda The Swami starts with stretching exercises for the legs Segment 2: Captain Combat Captain Combat's guest is Mr. Green Fatigues, who brings Mr. Schnauzer, who has stopped talking. They clean Mr. Schnauzer, accidentally killing Gunny Rabbit. Segment 3: Public Service Announcement: Fat Chance for the Sub Sahara Help out Arabs with stomach aches Segment 4: English for Beginners Perini frustrates her English teacher Segment 5: SCTV A.M. News Today: Wire Services on Strike They don't have much information Segment 6: Commercial: Stan Musial's Greatest Hits From that great infield single to the grand slam home run Segment 7: SCTV A.M. News Today Part 2: Gus Gustofferson Floyd interviews Gus Gustofferson, security guard, about the shooting death of puppeteer Lampeer. Apparently, he wasn't killed by a Schnauzer, but shot in the back with a revolver. Segment 8: Commercial: Sale of the Century A stirring pitch to sell England Segment 9: Gus Gustofferson: Security Guard Gus investigates the murder of puppeteer Knowlten Lampeer on the set of Captain Combat. He finds most of the staff, including himself, disliked the puppeteer Segment 10: SCTV Movie of the Week: Wara, Wara, Wara The story of the Allied advance into Italy. The Italians plan their surrender. The Americans talk about what they'll do after the war. The General reads a letter from his wife, who reminisces about their honeymoon in Italy before the war. Segment 11: SCTV P.M. News: Paper Shuffling Earl shows Floyd how to straighten his papers.