Monkey Business (1931)

Chico Marx: Chico

Photos 

Quotes 

• Waiter : Would you like to have anything before lunch?

  Chico : Yes, breakfast.

• Captain Corcoran : [describing the stowaways]  One of them goes around with a black moustache.

  Groucho : So do I; if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.

  Captain Corcoran : I said, one goes around with a black moustache.

  Groucho : Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?

  Chico : Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.

  Groucho : Well, I'll think it over; I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?

  Chico : Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.

• Groucho : [Ship stowaways in barrels]  Ah, this is the only way to travel boys, the only way. I was going to bring a long the wife and kiddies, but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.

  Chico : I was going to bring my grandfather, but there's no room for his beard.

  Groucho : Why don't you send for the old swine and let his beard come later.

  Chico : I sent for his beard.

  Groucho : You did?

  Chico : Yes, it's comin' by hair mail.

• Groucho : ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

  Chico : On his what?

  Groucho : Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?

  Chico : Sure, I can vessel...

  [starts whistling] 

• Manicurist : Do you want your nails trimmed long?

  Chico : Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.

• Chico : What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.

  Groucho : Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.

  Chico : I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.

• Chico : We're great, huh?

  Joe Helton : You're great.

  Chico : My partner?

  Joe Helton : He's great.

  Chico : My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.

• Woman Passenger : Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!

  Chico : Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.

  [Harpo sits on her] 

  Chico : No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.

  [Harpo takes her purse] 

  Chico : No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.

  Woman Passenger : Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!

  Chico : Well, we're not the doctor.

• Groucho : Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India, looking for a shortcut.

  Chico : Oh, you mean strawberry shortcut.

  Groucho : I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.

  Chico : What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?

  Groucho : You bet she could, but I found her out, too late. Well, enough of this. Let's get back to Columbus.

  Chico : I'd rather get back to the nurse.

  Groucho : So would I.

• Zeppo : Hey, do you know who's on this boat? Maurice Chevalier the movie actor. I just ran into him.

  Groucho : Did you hurt him?

  Chico : How do you know it was Chevalier?

  Zeppo : I got his passport. Right there.

  Groucho : Now, he can't get off the boat.

  Chico : [Pointing to Harpo]  Hey, he looks like Chevalier. I can look like Chevalier.

  Groucho : I certainly look like Chevalier.

  Zeppo : But, that's not enough. You gotta sing one of Chevalier's songs to get off this boat.

  [singing] 

  Zeppo : "If a nightingale, could sing like you, they'd sing much better than you do..."

  Groucho : Outstanding. You sing like that and they'll throw us all off the boat.

• Groucho : You call this a barn? This looks like a stable.

  Chico : Well, if you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.

  Groucho : Well, let's just look at it.

• Groucho : Would you mind getting up off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?

  Chico : Oh, you're crazy. Flies can't read papers.

• Chico : Alright, alright. How much you pay?

  Joe Helton : Well, just how tough are you?

  Chico : Well, you pay a little bit, we're a little bit tough. You pay very much, very much tough. You pay a too much, we're too much a tough. How much you pay?

  Joe Helton : I pay plenty.

  Chico : Well, then we're plenty tough.

• Boat Passenger : What's the idea of putting your hands in my pocket!

  Chico : Just a little mistake. I had a suit once. Looked just like that and for a minute I thought those were my pants.

  Boat Passenger : How could they be your pants when I I've got them on!

  Chico : Well, this suit had two pair of pants.

• Chico : My father was-a partner's with Columbus.

  Groucho : Your father and Columbus were partners?

  Chico : You bet.

  Groucho : Columbus has been dead 400 years.

  Chico : Well, they told me it was my father.

• Chico : Mustard's no good without roast beef.

• Groucho : Now one night, Columbus' sailors started a mutiny.

  Chico : Nah, no mutiny's at night. They're in the afternoon. You know, Mutinies, Wednesdays and Saturdays.

  Groucho : There's my argument: Restrict Immigration!

• Groucho : Well, now we can eat in peace.

  Chico : Alright, here's a piece for you.

• Chico : Hey, you're a nice lookin' a gal, alright. You got "it".

• Gangster : Say, have you guys got an invitation?

  Chico : We give the invitation of Chevalier: "When the nightingale, sing like you..."

• Butch : Keep outta this loft!

  Chico : Well, its better to have loft and lost, but never to have lofted at all.

  Groucho : Nice work.