- Claude Dabney: Miss Briggs, how many years have you been making what for convenience I call my tea?
- Miss Briggs: What's wrong with it this time, Mr. Dabney?
- Claude Dabney: Why nothing... except that it tastes absolutely filthy.
- Frank the Waiter: What shall it be sir, a dry martini?
- Raymond Dabney: No, I think I'll have some whiskey, Frank. I'm a little depressed.
- Frank the Waiter: Depressed? Well, don't drink whiskey, Mr. Raymond. Allow me to suggest a Champagne Cocktail. Drinks are like lifts, Mr. Raymond. Whiskey sends you down into the cellar and champagne up to the roof.
- Raymond Dabney: Are you an old fool or an old philosopher, Frank?
- Frank the Waiter: You have to be both, sir, to be a waiter.
- Crystal Wetherby: And while we're asking so many questions, why were YOU sent to jail?
- Raymond Dabney: Murder.
- Crystal Wetherby: I wish it had been suicide!
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, I wish we could get rid of him.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: Would you like me to poison him, madam?
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, Clara, let's not be too enthusiastic.
- Frank the Waiter: I have a little philosophy, sir. I borrowed it from the poet Browning. But, I improved it, sir, developed it a bit: Zest in quest. Keep going. Get somewhere.
- Raymond Dabney: Going where? What's the quest?
- Frank the Waiter: The quest is of no importance, sir. It's the zest that matters.
- Raymond Dabney: I dare you'll hate me by tomorrow.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, I'm not exactly fond of you now.
- Crystal Wetherby: Must you keep your eyes on me all the time?
- Raymond Dabney: It's all in the line of duty and I love my work.
- Crystal Wetherby: All my real friends are as broke as I am and my family is in Des Moines, Iowa. Have you ever heard of Des Moines, Iowa?
- Raymond Dabney: No. I haven't.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, that will give you a rough idea of where it is.
- Claude Dabney: [First lines] I think I'm justified in saying that the Dabney line of women's hosiery and undergarments is second...
- Miss Briggs: Second?
- Claude Dabney: Second to none! - Underline second. - Underline none. - In the United Kingdom or the Empire, for that matter. If sales are falling - comma - and they are falling - comma - underline are - it is to you, as Sales Manager, that we look for an explanation.
- Raymond Dabney: My crime wasn't so serious.
- Cosgrove Dabney: Not so serious!
- Raymond Dabney: Was it?
- Cosgrove Dabney: To buy a motor car and sell it without having paid for it, not serious?
- Raymond Dabney: You and Claude spend your whole lives buying woman's underwear on credit and immediately selling it!
- Crystal Wetherby: [Doorbell ringing] Clara, this isn't a creditor.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: That's what you say, madam.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, will you please go answer the door?
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: Is that an order, madam?
- Crystal Wetherby: Yes it is, Clara.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: Oh, very well. Once more into the breach, dear friends.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: How did the late Mr. Wetherby pass on, madam?
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, eh, he used to love to fight.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: Oh, the fighting type. I've experienced them.
- Crystal Wetherby: Yeah and he always one, except the last time he picked a tiger, a Bengal tiger.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: Hmmm. Kinda overmatched itself, as you might say.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, definitely.
- Raymond Dabney: As we see that though the late Mr. Wetherby's head was small, his feet were large.
- Crystal Wetherby: Is that so. Well, with you, it's just the other way around.
- Claude Dabney: And don't be surprised, Mother, if Crystal seems a little outspoken. She doesn't mean it. She's American. And, well, you know what Americans are.
- Catherine Burns: But, Crystal, darling, haven't you been well? You look so tired.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, no, I've been all right. But, needless to say, you're the picture of health! You've gained, haven't you? It's very becoming though.
- Mrs. Burns: What is your line, Mr. Dabney? It must be very interesting, I'm sure.
- Claude Dabney: Me? Oh. I'm in ladies underwear.
- Mrs. Burns: What?
- Cosgrove Dabney: Well, we're both in ladies underwear.
- Mrs. Burns: Really? How very odd.
- Cosgrove Dabney: Supposing my broker says to me: now, this stock will go up! Or, this stock will go down. What do I say? I say to him: my dear fella, my business is ladies' underwear. And that does not go up and it does not go down. It stays just where it is.
- Raymond Dabney: Then, you married Mr. Wetherby.
- Crystal Wetherby: I think he married me. I wasn't really noticing.
- Mrs. Burns: Catherine, dear, just where did we see "Ferguson" before? His face is so familiar.
- Catherine Burns: Not to me it isn't.
- Mrs. Burns: You never have any memory for faces.
- Raymond Dabney: Could it have been in Cairo, Madam?
- Mrs. Burns: Yes, of course, that's it. Cairo.
- Catherine Burns: Just a minute, Mother, you've never been to Cairo.
- Mrs. Burns: Oh, haven't I? I thought I had.
- Raymond Dabney: Well, now that I think of it, I've never been to Cairo myself, Madam.
- Mrs. Burns: That's funny. Have you ever been to Cairo, dear.
- Catherine Burns: Not that I can remember, I haven't.
- Mrs. Burns: Well, then, it can't have been in Cairo!
- Catherine Burns: What a coincidence.
- Raymond Dabney: It's a small world.
- Mrs. Burns: We must get to the bottom of this, "Ferguson".
- Raymond Dabney: By all means, Madam.
- Raymond Dabney: Your face seems strangely familiar to me.
- Crystal Wetherby: [Sternly] So do your manners!
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: When you settle with him, he'll go. In the meanwhile, don't you worry. He's a gentleman, you can see. He has his orders. Treat him right and he'll treat you right. There you are... the man in possession.
- Crystal Wetherby: Wait a minute. What do you mean? Man in possession? Man in possession of what? Me?
- Raymond Dabney: Well, you see that the order...
- Crystal Wetherby: Will you let me get a word in edge ways! Who are you anyway?
- Raymond Dabney: Bailiff of the County...
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: Eh, Sheriff's Officer, if you please.
- Crystal Wetherby: Clara, do you think it's awful to marry for money?
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: No, madam. Not for a lot of money.
- Crystal Wetherby: You're very practical, aren't you.
- Crystal Wetherby: Would you be good enough to shut the door.
- Raymond Dabney: I already shut the door.
- Crystal Wetherby: On your way out!
- Raymond Dabney: Oh, you mean you'd rather I left.
- Crystal Wetherby: I mean I'd rather you hadn't come at all.
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: Oh, good morning, Ma'am. I just popped 'round to see if everything was shipshape.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, well, is that so? Well, everything's just as shipshape as it can be, whatever that means.
- Catherine Burns: Tell me, have you always been a butler?
- Raymond Dabney: Oh, yes, Madam, for generations.
- Catherine Burns: Oh, I see. The family profession?
- Raymond Dabney: Yes. Handed down from father to son.
- Catherine Burns: How would you like to work in America?
- Raymond Dabney: America?
- Catherine Burns: Oh, yes. All the best American families have English butlers. They are sort of handed down from mother to daughter.
- Claude Dabney: If I go, I may not come back.
- Crystal Wetherby: And if you don't go, I may not want you to come back.
- Raymond Dabney: Now, let's see, after the wedding, you'll be able to pay the bill and I'll be able to go.
- Crystal Wetherby: Go? Go where?
- Raymond Dabney: Well, after all, you are going to be married, you know.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, yes.
- Raymond Dabney: You don't want two men in possession, do you?
- Raymond Dabney: As a matter of fact, I had the offer of a job today.
- Crystal Wetherby: That's nice. Who from?
- Raymond Dabney: I think its a rather a good job, too. It's in America.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, Mrs. Burn's, by any chance?
- Raymond Dabney: No. Miss Burns.
- Crystal Wetherby: Miss Burns! Well of all the cheek!
- Crystal Wetherby: Well it is just you and me and the flowers.
- Raymond Dabney: And the trees.
- Crystal Wetherby: And the bees.
- Raymond Dabney: And the breeze.
- Crystal Wetherby: And the birds.
- Raymond Dabney: What kind of contest was this? Bathing beauties?
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, it was sort of intellectual. What do you mean bathing beauties?
- Raymond Dabney: Are you intellectual too?
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, I had to think of a slogan for canned fish.
- Raymond Dabney: A slogan for canned fish? What did you think of?
- Crystal Wetherby: Would you really like to know?
- Raymond Dabney: Certainly!
- Crystal Wetherby: If you can't fish, canned fish.
- Crystal Wetherby: What's your big idea?
- Raymond Dabney: Simply this, I can't evaporate; but, I can cooperate - as part of my duties.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well?
- Raymond Dabney: I was thinking that I might butle for you.
- Crystal Wetherby: Butle? Eh, what's butle?
- Raymond Dabney: Well, that's the infinitive of butler. I butle. Thou butleist. He butles.
- Crystal Wetherby: You mean you'd...
- Raymond Dabney: Yes! I know something about wines and you saw this morning how I handle a tray. So, tonight I'll be the butler instead of the Sheriff's officer. What do you say?
- Crystal Wetherby: What do I say? It's a grand idea!
- Raymond Dabney: Haven't we met somewhere before?
- Crystal Wetherby: No, we have not.
- Raymond Dabney: Very foolish of us, wasn't it?
- Crystal Wetherby: That is a matter of opinion.
- Bobby at Crystal's House: He's only doing his duty, ma'am.
- Raymond Dabney: Duty, ma'am.
- Crystal Wetherby: Is it his duty to follow me all over the place?
- Bobby at Crystal's House: I'm afraid it is. They're entirely within their rights.
- Crystal Wetherby: Within th... well, I like that. Who do you think you are anyway?
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: Oh, I'm very sorry, ma'am, but I have to leave my man here until the money's paid.
- Crystal Wetherby: You have to what?
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: It's the law. He must stay here to see that nothing's moved from the house.
- Crystal Wetherby: He has to stay he... are you insane?
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: It's not me, ma'am. It's the law. But you can get rid of him any time by paying the money in full.
- Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: In the meanwhile, don't you worry. He's a gentleman, as you can see. He has his orders. Treat him right and he'll treat you right. There you are, my mate, the man in possession.
- [he hands the collection writ to Raymond]
- Crystal Wetherby: Wait a minute! What do you mean, "man in possession?" Man in possession of what - me?
- Raymond Dabney: Well, I have to see that you don't remove all the furniture during the night.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, you read my mind.
- Raymond Dabney: Heh, heh, heh. Now you read mine.
- Crystal Wetherby: [after Raymond puts on a pair of her late husband's pajamas] Now you look just like a peppermint stick.
- Raymond Dabney: [bringing Crystal a breakfast tray, and wearing clodhopper boots and a too-small Alpine hat with a huge ostrich feather] As you see, though the late Mr. Wetherby's head was small, his feet were large.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, is that so? Well, with you, it's just the other way around.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: How did that get there?
- Crystal Wetherby: By the dumb waiter.
- Clara, Crystal's Maid: But we haven't any.
- Crystal Wetherby: Oh, yes, we have... very.
- Crystal Wetherby: No, all my real friends are as broke as I am, and my family's in Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, have you ever heard of Des Moines, Iowa?
- Raymond Dabney: No. Nope, I haven't.
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, that'll give you a rough idea of where it is.
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: Heartbreaking farewell of two brothers. Passionate embrace in rose garden. English reserve broken by last minute emotions.
- Claude Dabney: Balderdash! Balderdash!
- Claude Dabney: What could you say, what could you...
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: Well, I could easily tell her a few lies about you. I could say that you only pretended to be well off. That, uh, that you're nothing but a cheap fortune hunter. That you only wanted her money - that you don't have a penny of your own.
- Claude Dabney: Do you insinuate that Crystal was marrying me for my money?
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: Well, what else would she marry you for?
- Crystal Wetherby: Well, good morning, Lloyd. Where have you been?
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: Oh, out in the garden chatting with a friendly worm.
- Crystal Wetherby: How nice. You seem to know everyone.
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: I was thinking that I might buttle for you.
- Crystal Wetherby: Uh, buttle, uh, what's buttle?
- Raymond Dabney aka Ferguson: Well, that's the, the uh, that's the infinitive of butler - I buttle, thou buttlest, he buttles.
- [sic]