- Garda Sloane: What's the matter?
- Joel Sloane: Come down here. Stick out your tongue.
- Garda Sloane: All of it? Oh, Doctor...
- Joel Sloane: Just as I thought.
- Garda Sloane: Don't you want to examine me? I have some very nice symptoms...
- Garda Sloane: Come on, dear. You've got to get dressed.
- Joel Sloane: Dressed for what?
- Garda Sloane: Ah, well, you wouldn't want to get buried in that suit, would you?
- Mike Stevens: [On the phone] I can't help it if Miss Los Angeles's bathing suit is too tight. Look at how Los Angeles has grown in the last few years!
- Garda Sloane: Don't you ever find a middle-aged, unattractive suspect?
- Joel Sloane: They're just facts in a case to me, Garda. I don't see them as girls. A detective's first thought must be of his case.
- Garda Sloane: It's that second thought that worries me.
- Joel Sloane: [Leaving] look, Darling, you order something. I'll be right back. I've got to see the manager. He distinctly promised me a room overlooking the ocean.
- Garda Sloane: But this one overlooks the ocean.
- Joel Sloane: But I don't like this ocean.
- [He leaves]
- Garda Sloane: [the Bellboy chuckles] What's funny?
- Brash Bellboy: Nothing... only the last place I worked was an insane asylum. I was hoping this'd be a little different.
- Joel Sloane: [In their crowded hotel suite] Darling, do you think a rumor I have leprosy would get some of our guests to leave?
- Garda Sloane: As far as I'm conccerned, it's more than a rumor.
- Garda Sloane: [Finding a tape measure that she suspects will be used on the beauty pageant candidates] And what were you going to measure with this, Mr. Sloane?
- Joel Sloane: High tide.
- Chief Miller: [as they discover a girl's body on the floor] Get a doctor quick!
- Joel Sloane: It'd have to be a very good doctor, Chief. This girl's dead.
- Chief Miller: [to Joel and Sam Travers] Well, you big town wise guys, I could lock you both up. You know that, don't yuh? And if either one of you interferes in this case again, I'll throw you in jail so far, it'll take a week to get beans to yuh! Now get out of here, both of you!
- Garda Sloane: Darling, do you think they'll go on with the pageant despite all this dreadful business?
- Joel Sloane: I hope so.
- Garda Sloane: You would, you and your tape measure.
- Master of Ceremonies: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's now my privilege to introduce, Miss Florabelle Higgins, Miss Tulsa, Oklahoma.
- Garda Sloane: She ought to be Miss Tulsa. She's built like an oil well.
- Joel Sloane: You haven't got a horse whip on you?
- Garda Sloane: I couldn't get one - all the stores are closed. Ah, ha. You're a crazy, reckless idiot, but you're mine.
- Garda Sloane: Darling, try to restrain the beast in you. For a minute I thought you were whinnying.
- Joel Sloane: Did you see those shameless bathing suits? I was shocked.
- Garda Sloane: Yeah, you looked it.
- Joel Sloane: In college, we voted Mike the man most likely to succeed. He was class valedictorian too.
- Garda Sloane: What were you - class bum?