- Gerald Meldrick: Easy now, we're not caught yet.
- Anya Von Duren: No, we're not, are we?
- [They embrace and kiss]
- Gerald Meldrick: I'm a liar... I'm caught alright.
- Anya Von Duren: So am I.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Well, I carried my children like a lady, and I carry my liquor like a gentleman.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Do you read much?
- Anya Von Duren: Oh, a little.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Oh, I'm glad to hear it. No woman should read much. Every line in my face comes from reading some book or another.
- Gerald Meldrick: Speaking as one artistic thief to another, would you have told Michelangelo not to have painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel just because he might of fallen off the ladder? No, of course you wouldn't. The job was worth the risk.
- Anya Von Duren: I hope you don't misunderstand me, but you don't look like a detective, or talk like one either.
- Gerald Meldrick: That's what makes me such a valuable man. Most detectives do look like detective, and the result is that they are perpetually arresting each other.
- Gerald Meldrick: I mean, I would consider it a favor it you'd listen to what the old battleship has to say.
- Duchess of Beltravers: My husband was a fool. All husbands are fools.
- Anya Von Duren: But, not all fools are husbands.
- Duchess of Beltravers: I'll have to think that one over.
- Anya Von Duren: Wait'll you see the clothes I managed to get you. Hand-me-downs from a missionary.
- Gerald Meldrick: Hmmm. Nice idea. Missionary and his wife who lost everything, including their passports. Maybe we can hit a jackpot with that one.
- Anya Von Duren: Some of these people are very clever too, aren't they?
- Gerald Meldrick: Yes, but not always as clever as they think.
- Anya Von Duren: Good night, and thank you.
- Gerald Meldrick: For what?
- Anya Von Duren: For pointing out the lights in the darkness. That was kind.
- Gerald Meldrick: I don't think I've ever been accused of that before. I apologize for stepping out of character.
- Anya Von Duren: The fog is beautiful, isn't it?
- Gerald Meldrick: That depends on which one you mean. The one we're in or the one we're heading for? It may be even thicker than this one.
- Anya Von Duren: But even more beautiful.
- Gerald Meldrick: We may have to hide in cellars.
- Anya Von Duren: We can grow mushrooms.
- Gerald Meldrick: Maybe in garrets.
- Anya Von Duren: We can look at the sun.
- Gerald Meldrick: You're not worried, are you?
- Anya Von Duren: No. You're the skipper.
- Anya Von Duren: Oh, darling. This has been the happiest time I've ever known in my whole roustabout career.
- Anya Von Duren: Well, darling,. You're pretty husky. How about shoveling a little coal on one of those luxury liners that goes to South America? The last place they'd look for you is where there's work.
- Anya Von Duren: Well, goodbye and good luck, Captain...
- Gerald Meldrick: Houston. You'd better not forget because you're Mrs. Houston.
- Anya Von Duren: Mrs. Captain Houston.
- Gerald Meldrick: That's right.
- Anya Von Duren: Darling, you sure you'll be safe.
- Gerald Meldrick: Well, I never have been. What's it like?
- Anya Von Duren: How should I know?
- Bolo: Even if you get away with it, the duchess is gonna roar like a stuck pig.
- Gerald Meldrick: Duchesses don't roar, Bolo. They speak in low, polite tones.
- Bolo: Maybe. But this one is gonna roar.
- Bolo: You're gonna have every policeman in the world down on your head.
- Gerald Meldrick: No, I'll be living at the Ritz. They won't look for me there.
- Gerald Meldrick: When a man's a dreamer, the woman wants him to be practical. When he's practical, she wants him to be a dreamer. That's the story of my whole life.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Oh, I don't see how you can eat it! I hate caviar. It's like eating a lot of little black golf balls.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Oh, Nature never did anything more wonderful for man or woman than when he gave them the means for sitting down.
- Duchess of Beltravers: Hey, do you think a little more of that wine might take away this miserable headache I got *so* mysteriously?
- Anya Von Duren: [They are stuck in the hotel elevator] We might be here for hours.
- Gerald Meldrick: That's quite possible. I knew a man once who was stuck in one of these things for three days. When they got him out he had a delusion he was a... a flight of stairs. He tried to walk up and down himself. He never recovered, poor fellow.
- Anya Von Duren: And you? Why are you here?
- Gerald Meldrick: I couldn't make the divinity course.
- Anya Von Duren: What was it really, cards or women?
- Gerald Meldrick: Both. I got them so mixed up that I got myself all mixed up. Once I tried to fill an inside straight with a blond.
- Gerald Meldrick: I almost forgot. These are none of your oriental disgusting titbits, Gin Ling. They are real apples. Real Caucasian occidental European apples. Which a storekeeper left in an unguarded garden. Here, have one and give those gin-soaked tonsils of yours a treat.