- Clarabelle Evans: Jack's too young. Why he hasn't even sown his wild oats.
- Joan Mason: Sown his wild oats? Why, at his age he should have sown 'em, grown 'em, reaped 'em, and sold 'em.
- Gene Krupa: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our last night at the Surf Club. On behalf of all the boys and myself, I'd like to thank you and the management for really a swell stay. Tomorrow we start rehearsing for "George White's Scandals."
- Photographer: Look, I get paid by the picture, not the hour. Come on, now, girls! Flash the teeth and let's go!
- Jack Evans: You objected to Sadie and Janie and Mazie and Daisy and Helen and Louellyn. I'm running out of dames and names.
- Clarabelle Evans: Jack promised our dear departed mother that since I'm alone in the world, he wouldn't marry until I did.
- Joan Mason: Well, how do you know he'll live that long?
- Billie Randall: Look, you reformed organ grinder, just stick to the piano or you'll find yourself back with the monkeys.
- Joan Mason: Jack had something in his eye and I was just trying to get it out.
- Clarabelle Evans: You must have been trying to take it out with your teeth. He's got lipstick all over his mouth.
- Joan Mason: I'll help you; but, do you realize what you're letting yourself in for? It means changing your whole life. You'll have to spend all your evenings at the theater, your recreation will have to come later. You'll be up until all hours of the night: dancing, parties, late suppers. Then, you go home and you have to sleep *all* morning and afternoon. That doesn't sound bad.
- Joan Mason: You in the chorus - that's wonderful! Lord Asbury's daughter in the Scandals. From riches to rags!
- Joan Mason: What is it about me you don't like? And try not to make it personal.
- Clarabelle Evans: I think you're an utter monstrosity.
- Jack Evans: Now just a minute, this utter monstrosity happens to be the woman I love.
- Joan Mason: Oh, darling!
- Hilda - Joan's Maid: [singing] Wishing - will make it so, Just keep on wishing, Wishing, care will go, Dreamers tell us dreams come true, De-da-do de-de de-de, Wishes are the dreams we dream, La-la-la la-la...
- Jill Martin: My, but, your maid is popular.
- Joan Mason: She's got a lot of men chasing her - and they're catching her too.
- Tom McGrath: All right, girls. I want you to smile. Come on, break out the smile. Come on, let's see those smiles. Come on! And I want you to keep those smiles on for the run of the show. Leave your own problems home. It's your job to radiate fun and happiness. People come to the Scandals to forget their troubles. They don't want to look at a lot of glum faces. They want glamour, charm, beauty, femininity at its best. So, remember, from now on, whenever you step on this stage: smile and keep smiling!
- Tom McGrath: Well, you're a Scandals girls now and things you do and say will make copy for the newspapers. So, bear that in mind and try to act accordingly. Anything else, Mr. White?
- George White: Oh, just one thing. I'm very happy to see that you all have the first two qualifications for a Scandals girl. A pair of shapely legs.
- [walking down the chorus line]
- George White: Gain a couple of pounds before we open. Drop five. You too.
- Jack Evans: A woman's happiness isn't complete without a mate. You remember about Noah's ark. Everything was two-by-two. Every animal had a mate. The lion, the tiger, the zebra. Even a pig has a mate. Why shouldn't you?
- Clarabelle Evans: Rubbish!
- Joan Mason: You brought the sweetness out in me and the ugly duckling became a golden goose.
- Jack Evans: My little goose.
- Joan Mason: [singing] I have such dreams, Just as soon as I start nappin', The grandest things begin to happen, I dream I am in London in some lonely foggy place, And suddenly I hear a voice, "I'm blacker than the ice!" Before I know it there I am in Cary Grant's embrace, But, I wake up in the morning - and it's you
- Jack Evans: Say, you are not the only one the dream man takes on trips, I have some dreams at night myself that certainly are pips, So many times I'm being thrilled by Ginger Rogers' lips, But I wake in the morning - and it's you...
- Jack Evans: [singing] Gee, maybe you will dream of me and I might dream of you
- Joan Mason: That's just what I'm afraid of, We'll have nightmares if we do, But, I know that when I wake up, Van Johnson will not be, Having breakfast with me
- Jack Evans: And lying were you are, Won't be Hedy Lamarr
- Joan Mason: It won't be Victor Mature
- Jack Evans: It won't be Dorothy Lamour
- Joan Mason: It won't be Clark Gable
- Jack Evans: It won't be Betty Grable
- Joan Mason: It won't be Ray Milland
- Gene Krupa: How would you like Gene Krupa's Band?
- Joan Mason, Jack Evans: But, when I wake up in the morning, It'll be you!
- Tom McGrath: Joan, is she coming to the party tonight?
- Joan Mason: She sure is.
- Tom McGrath: You better talk to her. You'll have Lady Godiva riding into the room.
- Jack Evans: Say, don't you know there's a law against walking around the streets dressed like that? If McGrath ever sees you, he'll bawl the daylights out of you.
- Jill Martin: I certainly hope so.
- Gene Krupa: I understand Ethel Smith's going to be there tonight. She's a groovy chick. We'd kinda like to get in a session with her.
- Tom McGrath: Now, you take a pancake. What's a pancake? It's the plainest thing in the world. But, you take that same pancake, dip it in brandy, pour a little wine over, put a hot fire under it, and what've you got? Crêpes Suzette.
- Jill Martin: Got what?
- Tom McGrath: Any way, a Scandals girl is a Crêpes Suzette and we're the cooks. We do it everyday.
- Joan Mason: Hold this, Casanova.
- Montescu: When the Escort Bureau assigned me here I didn't think I would have to go through such an outrage.
- Joan Mason: If you think this is an outrage, wait'll you see Clarabelle.
- Jack Evans: You've thought of me as stupid, weak-kneed, spineless, insipid, a coward.
- Joan Mason: Well?
- Jack Evans: Well, I'm not a coward.
- Jack Evans: Believe me, if Clarabelle were your sister and you were my man, I'd be more tolerant.
- Joan Mason: And if I were your man, I'm not so sure I'd go around with a girl who was so weak-willed. It doesn't make sense, but, it has a good moral.
- Jack Evans: But, honey...
- Joan Mason: Don't honey, *but* me.
- Jack Evans: Joan, you've got to listen to me. We can't go on like this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Wherever I go, I see your face. It's horrible! I mean, the way I suffer.
- Joan Mason: "My heart is ice and no fine word shall melt it." Robert Browning - or, was it Dick Tracy?
- Joan Mason: It isn't her fault. Some people are born pigeon-toed. Some people are born knock-kneed. She just happened to be born a lady. We all have our bad points.
- Tom McGrath: I don't think I've got a chance at locating her.
- Joan Mason: How do you like that. And it should be so easy. Why, there're only about 9 million people in New York and half of 'em are men, aren't they? That leaves only four and a half million women.
- Tom McGrath: Well, that narrows it down a little.
- Joan Mason: And couple million of 'em are old ladies. And a couple a million are children. That leaves only a half million girls around Jill's age. And out of a half million, only a couple a thousand can be English girls. And out of a couple a thousand, only fifty are beautiful. And out of fifty, how many can dance ballet? I'd say about six. How do you like that? Only six girls to look for.
- Joan Mason: [in a Scandals sketch] My lover.
- Jack Evans: My darling.
- [knock at the door]
- Joan Mason: My husband!
- Jack Evans: [in a Scandals sketch] Now, give me the name of the state where this gentleman was born.
- Joan Mason: Uh?
- Jack Evans: If the state was a woman, her husband's name would be Mr. Ippi.
- Joan Mason: How long were they married?
- Jack Evans: If Mr. Ippi had a son, his name would be Master Ippi. If he had a daughter, her name would be Miss Ippi.
- Joan Mason: What's his wife's first name?
- Jack Evans: Come, come, Princess. Times up. I guess the Princess misses the point.
- Joan Mason: Mississippi!
- Montescu: My! You have beautiful hands!
- Clarabelle Evans: D'ya think so?
- Montescu: Like the statue: Venus de Milo.