- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Besides, you know what they say: Dose dat don't help demselves just don't get no help.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: I don't mind learnin' the ropes, long as my head don't get caught in a noose.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: You know, Father, I'm afraid that you sorta philosophied my psychology.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [butler opens door] Hey, Mr. McCormick! We come up here on the little matter of business. We have a few little...
- Meredith - Butler: I am not Mr. McCormick. I am the butler.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, would you send McCormick down? We'd like to talk to him.
- Meredith - Butler: I'm sorry, Mr. McCormick is indisposed.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Well, how far is that from here? Can you reach him by phone?
- Marian McCormick: [interrupts the boys having a water fight just as Slip is spraying Sach in the face with seltzer] Boys, boys, there's a lady present.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: He ain't no lady!
- [sees Marian]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Oh, pardon me! I'm sorry to make your acquaintance.
- Marian McCormick: Well, I'm sorry to make yours, too.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Better hide your silly-looking face. They might recognize ya.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Are you kiddin'? Since I grew up, my mother don't even recognize me.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Who ever told ya that you grew up?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: My draft board.
- [the boys laugh at Bobby's hospital gift - flowers]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: S'the matter with you? Don't you know what happens when a man's sick in bed like that? They lock him up in a room, and all day long he's inhaling air - pure h2o - and he dehales carbon monoxide, and that's where flowers come in. They condense all that carbon monoxide and then they give off pure oxygen. Course, what happens to you guys who won't go to school - you just never learn nothin'. WHY, that's probably the most obnoxious present he got.
- Bobby: [admiring a marble bust] How do ya like this - real marble.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Musta taken a lot of marbles to make dat.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Whadda ya want me to pay ya for? You know what happens if I pay ya for those bananas? First thing that happens, the government comes along, takes twenty percent withholding tax. That's twelve cents. That leaves eight cents. You paid six cents for the bananas to start with, that leaves two cents. The state comes along and takes the two cents. Ya ain't got nothin' left anyway, so what's the use of payin'?
- Tony - Fruit Vendor: Well, even if I lose money, I wanna get PAID!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: How would you like to try a Cassidy cab? May not look as good, but at least it's guaranteed to get you to your designation.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Have a piece of candy?
- Sally Turner: No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: No use both of us watchin' it.
- Sally Turner: You're cute.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: You think I'M cute? I'd like you to know, babe, that chu are unorthodox dynamite.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [apologizing for his initial rudeness] Sorry. I couldn't extinguish your voice over the telephone.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: You're breakin' the law and I'm gonna report you to the Infernal Revenue Agents.
- Tony - Fruit Vendor: What is this Infernal Revenue Agent? WHAT LAW?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: The Pure Foods and Unripe Banana Law, that's what you're breakin'.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: If I'm not bein' too indulgent, would ja mind tellin' me what's the big idea?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Oh, Cassidy's accident was deliberate, Father, but I just made a wrong turn.
- Father Donovan: You sure about that?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, I'd... rather say it was a matter of indiscrimination.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: I can change my mind, can't I? Dat's MY derogative.
- Bobby: You mean "prerogative," don't ya?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Dat's da feminine tense. When I change MY mind, it's still derogative.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Coitantly.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [breaking a date for the second night in a row] Look, dehydrate yourself, honey.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: [disguised as a Texas cattle baron] Last year I shipped over two million head of cattle.
- Pete - Cabbie: Two million?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Two million head. Only bad part about 'em is I didn't know what to do with the rest of the cow.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Course you know I can't drive again tonight.
- Father Donovan: Well, now, Slip, it seems that, uh...
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Father, are you incineratin' that you...
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, just as a finger of speech, supposin' that tonight somethin' happened sorta on the spurn of the moment.
- Mabel Dumbrowski: You mean somethin' to mess up our date again? I'd be so mad, I'd snap my cap. I wouldn't be responsible for nuttin' I did.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, I got some very disreputable news for ya.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: When dey crack up the cabs, you know, that's one thing. When they start crackin' up our gang, that's a horse from a different stable.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What horse is the stable from?
- [Whitey slaps Sach]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Thanks, Whitey.
- Whitey: You're welcome.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: It's about time we take some drastic measurements.