My Friend Irma (1949)

Seymour : And that's how Steve and I became pals. But he's too easygoing. He's not like me. Somebody does something I consider an offense, I don't take it. I fight back. I revolt.

Irma Peterson : Oh, Seymour that's a sign of character and I admire you for it. I like men who are offensive and revolting.

Irma Peterson : [to Al] Oh, well, you know Jane. She wants to marry a man with money, but I don't think money's important. Look, I have you, and you have me, and we both have nothing.

Irma Peterson : Al, you're all out of breath. You shouldn't let yourself get that way because breath is good for you.

Professor Kropotkin : My little pigeon!

Seymour : Who's a pigeon?

Professor Kropotkin : It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.

Jane Stacy : Well, hello, Professor.

Irma Peterson : Hi, Professor.

Professor Kropotkin : Oh, Jane and Irma, my two little proud beauties! One with her head in the air and the other with air in her head.

Irma Peterson : How often does a girl meet a millionaire with money?

Irma Peterson : [On phone] Oh Jane, darling. I called you because I wanted to tell you to be sure not to take a shower.

Jane Stacy : And why shouldn't I take a shower and be clean like all other normal people?

Irma Peterson : Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet, and I hung all the clothes in the shower.

Jane Stacy : Irma, when you come home tonight would you bring a piece of good, strong rope with you? Because there's something else I want to hang in the shower with the clothes.

Irma Peterson : Really, Jane? What?

Jane Stacy : You. Irma Peterson, how could you be so stupid?

Irma Peterson : Oh, Al I always knew you'd succeed. I just can't wait to hear all the wonderful things people say about you after you're dead.

Al : Okay, Chicken. Get on the phone.

Irma Peterson : But I don't know what to say.

Al : Just say you're calling for Miss Jane Stacy. She's been delayed, she's only half-dressed, and it would take a load off her mind if you would pick her up at her house instead of at the bar. Got it?

Irma Peterson : Got it, word-for-word.

[into telephone]

Irma Peterson : Hello?

Al : [covering the receiver] Just to play it safe, let me have it back.

Irma Peterson : Uh... "She would like you to pick her up here because she's half-dressed, half-loaded, and would make a very easy pick-up."

Al : Got anything to drink at your place?

Irma Peterson : We have milk.

Al : Milk? Chicken, this guy's a multi-millionaire. A blue blood. He's used to the best. I'll go out and get a couple bottles of beer.

Radio Contest Announcer : Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to call the winner of the mammoth $50,000 gift contest. There goes the giant wheel and someone will be the lucky winner. Our telephone operator is waiting to call the lucky winner who is Mrs. Hilda Platz of Keokuk, Iowa, the mother of 32 children.

Irma Peterson : Al was right.

Mrs. Rhinelander : Well, what is she, a neurotic?

Irma Peterson : Her religion has nothing to do with it.

Al : Chicken, you're cryin'. What's happened?... You didn't lose your job?

Irma Peterson : Oh, no.

Al : Oh, you had me scared for a minute.

Irma Peterson : It's just that your son has so much money that she is drawn to him like a maggot.

Mrs. Rhinelander : A maggot?

Al : Chicken, believe me. You've got no chance to win this contest.

Irma Peterson : Why not?

Al : For one thing, all contest winners live in one of two places - Butte, Montana, or Keokuk, Iowa.

Irma Peterson : I'll move.