Soldier in the Rain (1963)

Jackie Gleason: MSgt. Maxwell Slaughter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Slaughter : Let me tell you something, my friend: being a fat narcissist isn't easy.

• Bobby Jo Pepperdine : [after Sgt. Slaughter has manhandled an annoying soldier]  You know what you were like? You were like Randolph Scott on the late, late movies... A fat Randolph Scott!

  Slaughter : [Bemused]  "A fat Randolph Scott"?... Miss Pepperdine, you certainly have a faculty for searching out and selecting *just* the right compliment.

• Slaughter : [Eustis is trying to talk Maxwell into leaving the Army, and joining him in lucrative civilian business deals]  The world's outside that window, Eustis, and it scares me. It's awfully big out there.

  Clay : You don't make no sense at all, Maxwell. You ain't scared of nothin'!

  Slaughter : Oh, yes I am. You forget, I was a civilian once.

  Clay : It'll be different now - you'll see.

  Slaughter : I doubt it. Memories are still very strong... Childhood, growing up. "Fat boy on the block." I was always fat, Eustis. Thyroid condition. Fat baby, fat child...

  Clay : Well, if you ask me, I'd say you're just kinda' plump, ya' know? *Pleasingly*.

  Slaughter : I am *fat*, Eustis.

  Clay : Come on, Maxwell, I'm askin' ya'. Please! Why, you're too smart to stay in the stupid Army.

  Slaughter : I like the "stupid Army." It's my home... But it's not yours. So you go and make your millions, and I'll wish you joy.

  Clay : Well, you can't stay in the Army forever, Maxwell.

  Slaughter : I know. And when that day comes, I know *just* the place where we can retire.

  Clay : You do? Where is it?

  Slaughter : It's far... Far out in the Pacific. I saw it once, during the war. It's a little island - green, lush, tropical, with a long white beach shining in the sun... People are friendly, kind, generous, and round. And all the girls are slim and round, with bright eyes, and smiles that would melt your heart. Wait'll you see them: long legs, flat stomachs, and round, firm breasts that tilt up.

  Clay : [Clearly captivated]  "Up"?

  Slaughter : Up.

  Clay : Whew, fantastic... What do they wear?

  Slaughter : Nothing... Absolutely *nothing*.

• Clay : See ya later, Maxwell

  Slaughter : Until that time, Eustis, until that time

• Slaughter : [after Clay slices his golf ball onto the green by standing at right angles to the green on Slaughter's instructions after slicing every ball he hits, the ball rolls onto the green and bumps into Slaughter's ball which is already there, and comes to rest against it with a dinging sound effect like when a cash register drawer is opened]  Hoooo-weee!

  Clay : What did I do right?

  Frances McCoy : Oh, they're both together!

  Slaughter : It's the mating season.

• Clay : Boy, what a combination! You and I against the world. Maxwell, if we were in business together, you could retire when you're forty.

  Slaughter : [Soberly]  I'm already past 40... And, I'm not getting any younger. I'm in the twilight of my years. And every minute is precious. Every second counts. Of necessity, my very existence depends on prompt and immediate action. To wait is to ponder. To ponder is to waste. And Eustis, to waste is a mortal sin. You understand?

• Slaughter : [At the carnival]  One cotton candy, please.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Oh, I just LOVE watchin' 'em make it. Don't you?

  Slaughter : [Waxing poetic]  A gossamer fantasy - the stuff dreams are made of.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Boy, you sure talk funny!

• Slaughter : [Looking at himself in a full-length mirror]  You know, Eustis, all men are vain in one way or another. I happen to be a secret narcissist.

  Clay : Really? Well, Maxwell, I thought you was nutty about girls as anybody else.

  Slaughter : [Turning and giving Sgt. Clay a curious look]  "Narcissist" is a ten-letter word meaning a person who likes to admire himself...

  Slaughter : [turning back to look at himself in the mirror]  Let me tell you something, my friend: being a fat narcissist isn't easy.

• Bobby Jo Pepperdine : [remorsefully]  I guess I ain't such a prize, am I?

  Slaughter : Who is, Miss Pepperdine, who is?

• Slaughter : The machine prefers cash.

• Bobby Jo Pepperdine : [Taking a break while on the golf course]  You want another beer, too?

  Slaughter : I'd love one, Miss Pepperdine.

  Clay : What about your diet, Maxwell?

  Slaughter : I have never ceased trying to lose weight, Eustis. But I'm not gonna' try to become a fanatic about it. I've done enough exercise this morning to burn up a car-load of calories. I can afford to pamper myself.

• Slaughter : [On the phone, impersonating a doctor, a fictitious "Major Clawmute"]  Is that all you'll be needing, Lieutenant?

  Lt. Magee : Ah, as long as I've got you on the phone, there *is* one thing...

  Slaughter : What's the poop, Lieutenant?

  Lt. Magee : There's something on my big toe... It looks like a corn, but it's too small to be a corn.

  Slaughter : Oh, yes, we call those "semi-corns." Hah! Pesky little things, aren't they?

  Lt. Magee : Uh, anything I can do for it?

  Slaughter : I suggest you just soak your feet in sauerkraut juice.

  Lt. Magee : [Baffled]  "Sauerkraut juice"?

  Slaughter : [Grinning impishly]  Morning and night. You get a small tub, and you fill it with sauerkraut juice, and you stand in it.

  Lt. Magee : You *did* say "sauerkraut juice"?

  Slaughter : Room temperature!

  Lt. Magee : Check! Thank you, Major!

  Slaughter : Thank YOU, Lieutenant.

• [repeated line] 

  Slaughter : Honor bright!

• Clay : What an idea, Maxwell. Penguins! We could make a fortune. First, we fly to the North Pole. Then, we bring back a whole mess of those penguins. We gotta have penguins. Now, you know what we do with all of these penguins? We rent 'em out.

  Slaughter : I see. Do you think there's a big demand for rental penguins?

  Clay : You haven't heard the best part. We print ads on their chests. Now, can't you see a whole mess of those penguins just walkin' down the street - adverstisin'.

• Clay : Hello, Maxwell. I'd like to make an introduction. Maxwell Slaughter - Bobby Jo Pepperdine. Bobby Jo - Maxwell.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Hi, Fatty.

  Slaughter : Hello, little girl.

• Slaughter : Little girl.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Fatso, blimp face!

  Clay : Nice work, Maxwell.

  Slaughter : Little girl, I'm sorry.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Balloon head, jelly belly!

  Clay : Keep it up, Maxwell. You're winning her over.

  Slaughter : This is ridiculous. What do you want me to do?

  Clay : I'd try lying.

• Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Afterwards, do you wanna come over to my house?

  Slaughter : I'd rather not. I wouldn't want to wake your family.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Oh, well don't worry about that. There's just Granny and she wouldn't hear nothin'.

• Clay : She's a livin' doll. And Bobby Jo is a very friendly type.

  Slaughter : I'm not going and that's final.

  Clay : You'll like her, Maxwell. You will. Bobby Jo is known far and wide for her ladylike qualities. And she's very bright for her age, too.

  Slaughter : She's an imbecile!

• Clay : You know somethin', Maxwell, this is livin'. *Really* livin'.

  Slaughter : It sure isn't dying.

• Slaughter : I didn't mean you weren't attractive. You are. Very.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Well, that don't make sense.

  Slaughter : Don't you understand you're very young.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : I'm 18 and a half!

  Slaughter : Well, that's what I mean. I'm over 40.

  Bobby Jo Pepperdine : Well, that don't make no difference. I've had lots of boyfriends old as you. Older even!

• Clay : Maxwell, we'll live like kings - on that island you told me about. Remember?

  Slaughter : Oh, Eustis, it's a paradise beyond dreaming. And we're going there. You and I.

  Clay : You bet we are.

  Slaughter : Of course. Close your eyes. Now, just listen to that soft music. Quiet, gentle music. Coming as if from a long distance. Can you hear it, Eustis?

  Clay : Yeah.

  Slaughter : Can you picture the colors? The blues. Blue for the water. Blue for the sky. Deep blue for the water. Light blue for the sky.

  Clay : Well, I can't see very much, but I can hear okay.

  Slaughter : Those beautiful blues. And a speck of white. The beach. Coming closer. Oh, how green that island is. And there they are running down the beach. The maidens. Aren't they round? Aren't they beautiful? Can't you see them, Eustis? Can't you see them?