- Horsa: If anyone in there asks who we are, say we're eunuchs.
- Hengist Pod: Yeah. What have we got to lose?
- [repeated line]
- Julius Caesar: Friends, Romans...
- Whoever happens to be next to him: Countrymen.
- Julius Caesar: I know!
- Seneca: Ooh, Arab eh? I've heard they're intense lovers.
- Mark Antony: Well naturally, they do everything in tents.
- Julius Caesar: I've cleaned up this city. Have you forgotten my slogan? 'Nihil expectore in omnibus' - no spitting on the public transport.
- [Of the Britons]
- Mark Antony: You know I just don't get these Britons; everytime we get a good punch up going, someone behind the line yells "Teas up!" and they all disappear!
- Julius Caesar: "Teas up"? How very odd! It must be one of these strange gods they worship, like this other one they're always talking about, "Crumpet."
- Mark Antony: What?
- Julius Caesar: "Crum-pet", I don't understand it at all.
- Mark Antony: You know something; I don't think these Britons don't want to be conquered.
- Cleopatra: [to Hengist who is dressed as Caesar] You do not look like your bust.
- Julius Caesar: [who is dressed as Hengist] No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked.
- Mark Antony: All right, look here Marcus...
- Spencius: No, no, I'm Spencius. 'S my brother what's Marcus. We're in partnership now, you know. Marcus & Spencius.
- Soothsayer: I will see whether the goddess will grant us a further vision. Oh Isis, sweet Isis...
- Hengist Pod: They're lovely. I'm very sorry sir, it's an old saying we have back in Britain.
- Hengist Pod: My name's Pod. Hengist Post, this is my wife Senna.
- Horsa: Oh, that's a pretty...
- Hengist Pod: Pretty what?
- Horsa: Er... pretty name.
- Senna Pod: It was, 'til I married somebody called "Pod".
- Mark Antony: Look at them. All solid bone and muscle.
- Spencius: Bone and muscle I've got plenty of. It's brains what people want nowadays.
- Mark Antony: They've got brains. Artisans, every one of them. Here you, what did you do in Britain?
- Hengist Pod: I was a wheelmaker.
- Mark Antony: See that? He makes wheels.
- Hengist Pod: Square ones.
- Mark Antony: Square... Never mind. Here, you. What did you do?
- Horsa: I was a hunter.
- Spencius: A hunter?
- Mark Antony: A hunter! Now, what about that then? A hunter. What did you hunt?
- Horsa: Romans.
- [Hosa comes in with WC marked on his arm]
- Hengist Pod: I think someone's making a convenience of you!
- [the guard has just told Hengist that he will be going to the lions]
- Hengist Pod: I hope they're a nice family!
- Horsa: Eh, Hengist, what he means is that you will be thrown to the lions, in the arena
- Hengist Pod: oh, THOSE lions! Yahhh!
- [Hengist jumps into Horsa's arms. Horsa puts Hengist down]
- Horsa: Don't worry. Head in the mouth, quick snap of the jaws and it'll all be over!
- Hengist Pod: Yes, but how am I going to get his head into my mouth?
- Brutus: The senate are worried about matters in the east, the affairs involving Ptolemy and Cleopatra.
- Julius Caesar: Are they having an affair? Oh do tell!
- Bilius: Caesar, there is a messenger here without.
- Julius Caesar: I'm not surprised, if we stay here much longer we'll all be without.
- Bilius: Hail, Mark Antony!
- Mark Antony: Hail - snow, rain, thunder, lighting - the lot! Julius in?
- [Gloria screams and runs out]
- Mark Antony: I see he is!
- Mark Antony: [reading a letter from Seneca] Hello - there is news from Egypt, Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra.
- Julius Caesar: Trying to do what with her?
- Mark Antony: Usurp her.
- Julius Caesar: Sound positively revolting.
- Julius Caesar: Tony!
- Mark Antony: Julie! I caught you with your toga up!
- Julius Caesar: Oh yes, I'm sorry I've caught something, one of these local things I can't seem to shake off. It's called "a-stinking-cold"!
- Bilius: I'm sorry Caesar but for the good of Rome, you must die!
- Julius Caesar: But you're my personal bodyguard and champion gladiator! I don't want to die! I may not be a very good live emperor but I'd be a worse one dead! Treachery! Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me.
- [Seeing the capitive Britons rushing into Cleopatra's bedroom on the night she plans to kill Caesar]
- Mark Antony: Blimey, she must be selling tickets!
- Mark Antony: There must be some way we can get rid of him.
- Cleopatra: I have a poisonous asp.
- Mark Antony: [checking out Cleopatra's ass] Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- [repeated line]
- Julius Caesar: [in greeting Mark Antony] Tony!
- Mark Antony: [in greeting Julius Caesar in return] Julie!
- Mark Antony: All you gotta do is get Caesar... alone!
- Cleopatra: Oh, that's what he's come for: money.