The Hollywood Squares (Daytime) (1965–1980)

Paul Lynde: Self - Center Square, Self - Panelist, Self - The Center Square, Attila the Hun - Center Square

Quotes 

• Peter Marshall : Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?

  Paul Lynde : His fans.

• Peter Marshall : Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?

  Paul Lynde : Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?

  Peter Marshall : Now cut that out!

  Paul Lynde : ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?

• Peter Marshall : Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?

  Paul Lynde : Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.

• Peter Marshall : Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

  Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

• Peter Marshall : According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?

  Paul Lynde : 11.

• Peter Marshall : According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." what?

  Paul Lynde : Bitterly disappointed.

• Peter Marshall : What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?

  Paul Lynde : They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

• Peter Marshall : What's the one thing you should never do in bed?

  Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!

• Peter Marshall : Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!' What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?

  Paul Lynde : Full speed ahead!

• Peter Marshall : At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an uncontrolable desire for sex.

  Paul Lynde : [excitedly]  HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!

• Peter Marshall : According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

  Paul Lynde : No. You should dress warmly.

• Peter Marshall : Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma's house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To get what?

  Paul Lynde : Feen-a-mints.

• Peter Marshall : Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?

  Paul Lynde : Food Stamps.

• Peter Marshall : In the Shakespearean play "King Lear", King Lear had three of them - Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?

  Paul Lynde : King Lear had Goneril?

• Peter Marshall : When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?

  Paul Lynde : Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).

• Peter Marshall : True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.

  Paul Lynde : [turns and looks at Leslie Uggams]  Looks like you were overcooked.

  [Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience] 

• Peter Marshall : In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?

  Paul Lynde : He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

• Peter Marshall : True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach, people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.

  Paul Lynde : Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in her cubicle?

  Rose Marie : [to Paul]  OH, SHUT UP!

• Peter Marshall : True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?

  Paul Lynde : From *one* midnight ride?

• Peter Marshall : Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?

  Paul Lynde : I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

• Peter Marshall : Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?

  Paul Lynde : No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

• Peter Marshall : In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.

  Paul Lynde : [referring to a certain jingle]  Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?

• Peter Marshall : Paul, everyone knows the first verse.

  [singing] 

  Peter Marshall : What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?

  Paul Lynde : [singing]  Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Lynde : How disgusting... that poor sailor!

• Peter Marshall : Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?

  Paul Lynde : Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

  Peter Marshall : You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

• Peter Marshall : Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?

  Paul Lynde : [in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time]  You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

• Peter Marshall : True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.

  Paul Lynde : And I could name 'em all!