- Aide: Mister Mayor, eighty-two percent not only stop brooding, they stop smoking. Ninety-three percent stop drinking.
- The Mayor: What's wrong with that?
- Aide: In terms of dollars and cents, it's disastrous. Our city is facing a drastic loss in income from sales tax.
- The Mayor: That's ridiculous. Forty-seven people? A drop in the bucket.
- Aide: But if this goes unchecked for a month, by mathematical progression, half of New York will have the virus. You know what that means? It means a loss in cigarette and liquor taxes more than one hundred and eighty million dollars.
- The Mayor: [voice hoarse] A hundred and eighty million... Brady, what are you sitting there for? Get that bird!
- Dr. Shapiro: What this particular virus evidentally does is cause changes in our behavior patterns. People infected become euphoric, have a sense of well-being.
- The Mayor: Well, I'm not going to order the Police Commissioner to call out twenty-eight thousand cops to find some bird that makes people feel good.
- Dr. Shapiro: But we have no way of knowing what it may lead to. People could feel so good they'd quit their jobs, fly kites in Times Square, block traffic, uh... stop voting...
- The Mayor: Stop voting!
- [picks up the phone]
- The Mayor: Get me the Police Commissioner.
- Amigo: [speech balloon] Oh Boy! Grapes.
- Pete: What the hell is that?
- Liz: Get a load o' that beak!
- Pete: Come on, you. Hey! Hey! Those are *my* grapes.
- Liz: Oh, let 'im eat 'em. He's probably hungry.
- Pete: Oh sure. Make a pet out of him, get emotionally involved. That what you want?
- Liz: I don't care if you have him for breakfast.
- J. Gardner Monroe: [the picture goes off] Well, I guess we could all use a little sleep.
- Murgatroyd: Oh, ah, but the sound is on. We can still hear them.
- J. Gardner Monroe: What er, what are you, a listening tom?
- Park Commissioner Williams: Gentlemen, as you all know, we desperately need more parks in Lower Manhattan. Well, I've finally come upon the perfect solution. We tear down the New York Stock Exchange and the Treasury Building across the street, and use that space for a beautiful playground. We can condemn that property for very little. It'll cost the city less than $6 million an acre.
- The Mayor: We'll continue this discussion in the fallout shelter.
- Park Commissioner Williams: There'll be plenty of room for the kiddies to play baseball and football and hopscotch, jacks. There'll be jungle gyms and slides and swings, see-saws, chess boards for the senior citizens... .
- T.V. Newscaster: The latest figures show that marriage licenses are running 912% above average. Also, in the last 24 hours, only one application for divorce has been granted. And 75% of all pending lawsuits have been settled out of court.
- J. Gardner Monroe: When was the last time you were in Cuba, Mr. Jackson?
- Pete: Cuba?
- J. Gardner Monroe: Oh, come on. We ran a check on you and your gang. One of them had a beard just like Castro and they all had some kind of a beard. How do you explain that?
- Pete: We didn't shave.
- Phil: It's not just the sales tax that worries me, but suppose some of us gets it and starts making irrational decisions.
- Barney: Unlike you, we only use first names. We believe that last names are superfluous. Because when the world is destroyed, our first names will be our last names.
- J. Gardner Monroe: I wanna come back and see a normal couple screaming and yelling at each other - check?
- Conrad: One thing confuses me...
- Pete: Yeah?
- Conrad: You write about misery but you seem so happy.
- Pete: Yeah, I do really. You must remember three things: Eins.
- Conrad: Eins...
- Pete: The only solution to the world's problems is total destruction, yeah?
- Conrad: Yeah...
- Pete: Zwei, the world is destroying itself, yeah?
- Conrad: Yeah...
- Pete: So, drei, what's to worry about, yeah?
- J. Gardner Monroe: Can't you do anything without that bird? I mean, they didn't need the original mosquito to cure malaria.
- Dr. Shapiro: Well, they didn't need an infected brain.
- J. Gardner Monroe: Well, grab a stiff from the morgue. Must be somebody there who died laughing.