- Charity Hope Valentine: Wow! This place sure is crawlin' with celebrities. I'm the only person here I never heard of.
- Oscar Lindquist: The odds against us are at least a hundred to one.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Those are the best odds I ever had.
- Oscar Lindquist: Suppose you want a policy...
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yes, I want a policy. Go on.
- Oscar Lindquist: It's my job to study your particular situation... and then figure out the odds on your meeting with an unfortunate accident... like... like suffo... suff... suff... suffocating in an elevator.
- [He faints]
- Herman: Excuse me, ladies. Prince Phillip just walked in, so park the gum behind your ears and drag it out on the floor.
- [first lines]
- Charity Hope Valentine: Oh, Charlie! I'm on time, right? Wrong. You know what I did today? I looked at furniture. At couches that turn into beds and chairs that turn into beds and lamps that turn into beds.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Why'd he do it? Everything he ever wanted, I bought him. $11 shirts, $79 Italian silk suits. Just what'd I do wrong? I'd even get up in the middle of the night and buy him his meatball sandwiches. Boy, did he love those meatball sandwiches.
- Charity Hope Valentine: He can go slip and slide his greasy head on somebody else's shoulder. I'm finished!
- Vittorio: Oh, that girl! She's driving me crazy. Wild fits of jealousy. I can't stand it any longer. She's impossible.
- Charity Hope Valentine: That was my first impression.
- Vittorio: Childish, neurotic, selfish.
- Charity Hope Valentine: That was my second impression.
- Vittorio: Well, it's finished. She's just not worth it.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, on the other hand, you know, she's not so bad in the looks department.
- Vittorio: Ah, yes. Yes, you're right. She is very beautiful.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, I mean, if you go for that sort of thing.
- Vittorio: No, you are right. You are absolutely right. She is - gorgeous.
- Charity Hope Valentine: I think I just screwed myself up.
- Vittorio: Do you like Brahms?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Huh?
- Vittorio: The music.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Oh. Oh, yeah. It's got a - it's got a great beat.
- Vittorio: What should I do? Be magnanimous and forgive her - or be aloof?
- Charity Hope Valentine: "AIoof" sounds good.
- Vittorio: You think so?
- Charity Hope Valentine: The aloofer the better.
- Charity Hope Valentine: I could eat a horse. I was only kidding.
- Vittorio: Now, we dance!
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yeah, I wasn't hungry anyway.
- Charity Hope Valentine: I'm a dance hall hostess.
- Vittorio: Oh.
- Charity Hope Valentine: There, you see? You shoulda let me lie. I was gonna be an assistant dental technician.
- Vittorio: Well, that doesn't sound very impressive.
- Charity Hope Valentine: It does to a dance hall hostess.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Where are we?
- Vittorio: My place. Come on.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Your place? Hey, wait. Just a second. Get in the car, get outta the car, go here, go there, your place... You think you can just "your place" and, eh...
- [snaps her fingers]
- Charity Hope Valentine: any time you feel like it, huh?
- Vittorio: Coming?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yeah.
- Vittorio: You know, I see you sitting here with my own eyes, but I find it hard to believe that you really exist.
- Vittorio: Tell me, why do you believe in love?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Everybody's gotta have some religion, don't they?
- Vittorio: And so your religion is love?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure go to church a lot.
- Charity Hope Valentine: [singing] All I can say is, wow, Hey, look at where I am, Tonight I landed, pow! Right in a pot of jam, What a set-up, holy cow! They'd never believe it, If my friends could see me, Now, They'd never believe it, They'd never believe it, They'd never believe it...
- Helene: Yeah, well, you keep on smokin' them funny little cigarettes, you're bound to do a little flyin'.
- Nickie: [singing] All these jokers, how I hate them, With their groping
- Helene: Grabbing
- Nickie: Clutching
- Helene: Clinching
- Nickie: Strangling
- Helene: Handling
- Nickie: Fumbling
- Helene: Pinching
- Nickie, Helene: Phooey! There's gotta be some life cleaner than this, There's gotta be some good reason to live, And when I find me some kind of life I can live, I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get up, get out, and live it!
- Nickie: What you do in bed is your business.
- Charity Hope Valentine: You see? I wasn't even in bed. I was in the closet.
- Nickie: To each his own.
- Charity Hope Valentine: [looking through a key hole at Vittorio and Ursula making up after a fight] Wow. Oh, talk about your foreign movies!
- Charity Hope Valentine: How about, um - stenotypist?
- Nicholsby: Oh, are you a stenotypist?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, not at the moment.
- Nicholsby: But you *do* - stenotype?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Maybe.
- Nicholsby: Uh-huh. What do you mean?
- Charity Hope Valentine: What is it?
- Helene: I'm gonna get outta here and I'm gonna go right to the top. I am gonna be a hat-check girl, at one of them East Side high-class restaurants. You know, a tray full of cigarettes costin' sixty cents a pack, and "keep the change"? And all those hats comin' in: derbies, homburgs, ooh, and that cute little checkered number, with the skinny brim and the feather!
- [singing]
- Helene: Check your hat, sir, Check your coat, sir, Check your vest, sir, Check your pants...
- Herman: Excuse me, ladies. They have just announced the winners of the Irish Sweepstakes, and since none of you lovely creatures is among the winners, get your keisters back inside.
- Nicholsby: What nice job would you like? And don't say mine, 'cause it's already taken.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, something in an office.
- Nicholsby: Good. You, um, type, of course?
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: Take shorthand?
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: Operate calculators?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Nope.
- Nicholsby: Keep books.
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: File?
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: Run a switchboard?
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: You speak a foreign language?
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Nicholsby: Um...
- Charity Hope Valentine: No.
- Oscar Lindquist: [stuck in an elevator] Listen, I have an idea. What do you think of this? Climbing out the top of the elevator, shimmying up the cable, and then forcing the door open on the floor above.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Well, it might work, but gee, I do think it sounds a little dangerous.
- Oscar Lindquist: Then don't try it. Stay here with me.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Boy, this is really my lucky day. Of all the millions of guys in this town, I wind up with a candidate for the funny farm. Not too bad-Iookin' though - for a fruitcake.
- Charity Hope Valentine: [stuck in an elevator] Hey, you're shaking!
- Oscar Lindquist: All over.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Let me rub your wrist.
- Oscar Lindquist: You know what I feel like doing now? I mean, you know what my impulse is? To take off all my clothes.
- Charity Hope Valentine: [stops rubbing Oscar's wrist, steps back] I don't think that would do very much good.
- Oscar Lindquist: [stuck in an elevator] It's stuffy in here. Stuffy, stuffy.
- Charity Hope Valentine: No, no, no, let's keep our clothes on, Oscar.
- Oscar Lindquist: I'm a very calm, organized person. I want you to know that if-if-if-if if-if-if-if if-if-if-if it really comes down to it, you can depend on me. You understand that?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yeah, I understand.
- Oscar Lindquist: Yeah. I just hope it doesn't come down to it.
- Oscar Lindquist: May I see you tomorrow? Maybe we could go to a movie.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Okay, but one with a happy ending. I'm nuts about happy endings.
- Oscar Lindquist: You know, working in a bank can be very dangerous, you know? In the greater New York area the odds are 1 in 75 that you will be held up at least once in any 12-month period.
- Charity Hope Valentine: Listen, just livin' is dangerous, right?
- Charity Hope Valentine: I already told him.
- Nickie: You told him?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yup.
- Helene: You mean you *really* told him?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Yes, I told him! I told him!
- Nickie: When?
- Charity Hope Valentine: Tomorrow, that's when I told him.
- Big Daddy: And the title of the sermon tonight will be: "We have beat our swords into plowshares and the beat goes on."