Watermelon Man (1970)

Estelle Parsons: Althea Gerber

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jeff Gerber : What happened to the flaming liberal I was married to?

  Althea Gerber : I'm still liberal, but to a point.

• Althea Gerber : How do you know you're you?

• Althea Gerber : Have something to eat?

  Jeff Gerber : Just chicken. Watermelon doesn't taste good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

• Althea Gerber : It is now post time.

  Jeff Gerber : Thank you, my dear. Off to another smash week in the insurance gig.

  Althea Gerber : I want you to know that I feel like I'm leading a boring life.

  Jeff Gerber : I am so advised.

• Althea Gerber : Aren't you concerned with the civil rights issue?

  Jeff Gerber : Yeah, sure. Most people are just crazy! They think that at any moment a negroes gonna hit them over the head with a watermelon and steal their high school ring.

  Althea Gerber : I think white people have to show greater interests and understanding.

• Althea Gerber : Are we gonna get ready for bed early tonight? It's Wednesday.

  Jeff Gerber : Wednesday? It's Monday!

  Althea Gerber : Let's pretend its Wednesday. Forget it. I'm going to bed. You'll know where to find me.

• Burton Gerber : Sure is a heck of a tan you got, Dad. You look like a colored man.

  Jeff Gerber : That's very good. Thank you, Burton. We could use you at the UN.

  Althea Gerber : Come on, kids. I'll get your dinner ready.

  Burton Gerber : What are we having?

  Jeff Gerber : Black-eyed peas, hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

• Althea Gerber : My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side. i mean, she never came right out and asked me.

  Jeff Gerber : Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races. The way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese.

  Althea Gerber : Silliest thing i ever heard.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, yeah? Well, then how come her feet are so small? And - and how come whenever you asked her when she was born, she always says "the year of the dragon"? And how come she was always so anxious to - to wash my shirts? Does that sound like a white woman to you, huh?

  Althea Gerber : My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

  Jeff Gerber : So has Mao Tse-Tung! She eats too damn much rice. If you ask me, she's a member of the Red Guard.

  Althea Gerber : All right, Jeff, all right. But it isn't a Chinese issue we're discussing. We're discussing a negro issue.

  Jeff Gerber : It's a sun lamp issue!

• Althea Gerber : You look like a negro!

  Jeff Gerber : I know what I look like! Shut up!

  Althea Gerber : I mean, it's dark, I mean, I mean, if I didn't know you, if I...

  Jeff Gerber : Would you shut up, Althea.

  Althea Gerber : Oh! Oh, should I hide the money?

• Althea Gerber : You really think it's the sun lamp, don't you?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, you'd like me to be colored, wouldn't you?

  Althea Gerber : Well, not really. But it would serve you right with that attitude of white supremacy.

  Jeff Gerber : Well, i didn't see you exactly run-in' over to hug and kiss me when you thought i was a negro.

  Althea Gerber : i was upset because i thought you were a stranger!

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, beans. if it was a white stranger who came out of that shower, you'd have humped him.

• Jeff Gerber : [putting creams on face to lighten his skin]  Any change?

  Althea Gerber : No, but i don't imagine it would be immediate. i mean, i don't think any intelligent negro expects it to be immediate. don't be so militant.

  Jeff Gerber : It's different. I'm not militant, i'm white. I expect it to be immediate.

• Jeff Gerber : [phone rings]  What do you think, right number or wrong?

  Althea Gerber : I don't care anymore. It's been ringing all day. Every bigot in this town is honing in on us.

• Jeff Gerber : [in bed]  I'm in need of some human affection.

  Althea Gerber : I understand, but not tonight, ok?

  Jeff Gerber : I hate to tell you this, but I'm beginning to feel just a little bit unloved. I mean, it may be old-fashioned, but where I come from, a guy's wife sticks real close to him in time of stress.

  Althea Gerber : Well, uh, not tonight.

  Jeff Gerber : Something I said?

  Althea Gerber : We could change sides if you'd like.

  Jeff Gerber : That's damn white of you.

• Althea Gerber : You took advantage of them because you're colored.

  Jeff Gerber : How's that?

  Althea Gerber : Those people were our friends.

  Jeff Gerber : What should have I done, given them a discount?

  Althea Gerber : Pushing your way, just pushing, pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

  Jeff Gerber : They wanted us out of the neighborhood.

  Althea Gerber : Where do you get that "us"? You, not us!

• Althea Gerber : It's very confusing. Forgive me. There's been a great deal of pressure on me lately. I mean, just answering the phone...

  Jeff Gerber : Well, I haven't been exactly winning any popularity contests myself!

  Althea Gerber : Well, it's different with you. You weren't liked before this happened. I was liked! Everybody liked me! Everybody!

• Jeff Gerber : I'm sorry, baby. I didn't realize you were under as much pressure as me. Let's forget it tonight. Because tonight, it's Wednesday. It's Wednesday. and I love you.

  Althea Gerber : No, it's Tuesday.

  Jeff Gerber : It's Wednesday.

  Althea Gerber : I'm sorry, Jeff. I have to get my bearings. It won't be Wednesday until - until I get my bearings. I-I-I'm going to go to sleep.

• Jeff Gerber : Is that all you watch? Race riots? What are you? Perverse?

  Althea Gerber : It's an important problem.

  [Jeff turns off the TV] 

  Althea Gerber : I was watching!

  Jeff Gerber : I'm gonna have my dinner without watching a bunch of uppity darkies jigging up and down on my TV screen.

• Althea Gerber : Some people save stamps, some make model airplanes, some drink, some smoke pot; well, your father races buses.

• Jeff Gerber : Our house is worth $37,000 on the open market.

  Althea Gerber : That's nice!

  Jeff Gerber : That's 17% more than we paid for it.

• Jeff Gerber : Maybe I've been overdoing the sunlamp a bit.

  Althea Gerber : A bit! If you spend as much time in bed as you do under that sunlamp, maybe we would have more children.

  Jeff Gerber : This is no time to discuss additional children!

  Althea Gerber : No! I should say not. What would the neighbors think with a lot of half-colored kids running around.

  Jeff Gerber : I am not colored!

  Althea Gerber : Well, that's your story! When's the last time you looked in the mirror?

• Althea Gerber : Will you calm down. The children will be coming home from school soon and I don't want you getting them upset.

  Jeff Gerber : Upset? Wait until they find out they have a colored Daddy. Huh? Wait till I get down my knee and I sing Mammy.

• Althea Gerber : [outside the bathroom]  Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! There's a negro in your shower!

  Jeff Gerber : [inside the bathroom]  It is not a negro!

  Althea Gerber : Yes! Yes! Yes! It is! It is! I saw it! Call the police! He'll kill us!

  Jeff Gerber : I am not a negro. I'm me!

• Jeff Gerber : What color am I, Althea?

  Althea Gerber : Well, uh, let's see.

  Jeff Gerber : Tell me the truth, but tell me i'm white, Althea.

  Althea Gerber : You're white.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, god.

  Althea Gerber : Dark white.

  Jeff Gerber : What?

  Althea Gerber : well, i'm sure you're white, but you're a little on the dark side.

  Jeff Gerber : Wait a minute. Get me to a mirror. Ahhhhh! I'm black! I'm black! I'm black! I'm black! I'm a nigger! I'm a nigger!

• Althea Gerber : How did it go today?

  Jeff Gerber : Oh, it was the usual day. I was thrown out of one of the better clubs. I was picked up twice for purse-snatching.

• Althea Gerber : You hungry?

  Jeff Gerber : Yeah, I guess so.

  [Althea puts down some watermelon and fried chicken] 

  Jeff Gerber : What? Are you crazy? Is that supposed to be funny?

  Althea Gerber : I didn't realize until after...

  Jeff Gerber : Well, listen, Jemima, you're in this, too.

  Althea Gerber : Jemima?

  Jeff Gerber : Your middle name, baby.

  Althea Gerber : My middle name is Janine.

  Jeff Gerber : Oh?

  Althea Gerber : So don't you "Jemima" me, Jeff Gerber. If you've been keeping some racial secret about yourself from me, well, just don't you "Jemima" me!

• Jeff Gerber : I hate to tell you this, but you're supposed to be on my side! The marriage contract said, "till death do us part." It said that in black and white, I believe.

  Althea Gerber : When we got married, I had no idea it was going to be an interracial thing. You never told me!

  Jeff Gerber : Well, i just got wind of it myself. If i had known what was gonna happen, I would have put an escape clause in your marriage contract! "If my husband becomes a negro, all bets are off."

  Althea Gerber : How dare you be sarcastic with me? I'm the one who was compromised.

• Althea Gerber : Why do you insist on being negro?

  Jeff Gerber : I don't insist. i accept it! What would you have me do, dye my hair and insist I'm white? You know what I'd look like with blonde hair, Althea? Like a grilled cheese sandwich.

  Althea Gerber : Negro humor always escaped me.

  Jeff Gerber : Well, we're learning a lot about each other, aren't we?

  Althea Gerber : Yes, we are.

• Althea Gerber : [the doorbell rings. Jeff jumps]  Jeff, the Klu Klux Klan never rings the bell.