Ransom for a Dead Man (1971 TV Movie)

Peter Falk: Columbo

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Quotes 

• Agent Carlson : Let's understand this one thing: if you start harassing this woman, I'm going to take it upstairs.

  Lt. Columbo : Ah, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. You see, it's like this: this is not just a kidnapping; this is a murder now... and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya 'round.

• Leslie Williams : You know, Columbo, you're almost likable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.

  Lt. Columbo : Me? Tricks?

  Leslie Williams : The humility, the seeming absent-mindedness, the uh, homey anecdotes about the family: the wife, you know?

  [laughs] 

  Lt. Columbo : Really?

  Leslie Williams : Yeah, Lieutenant Columbo, fumbling and stumbling along. But it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that, more often than not, he's successful.

  Lt. Columbo : I appreciate that compliment, Mrs. Williams, and I particularly appreciate it coming from you.

• Lt. Columbo : Eh, say, eh, you know I have this cousin Ralph, eh, his name is Ralph. Eh, anyway eh, Ralph was the greatest at everything. You know I mean he thought better, he talked better, he made out better. Ralph was the greatest. I mean Ralph, boy, that Ralph was something, I'll tell you that. I'll never forget him.

  Leslie Williams : Eh, is there a point to this story, Lieutenant?

  Lt. Columbo : A point?

  Leslie Williams : A point.

  Lt. Columbo : No, I don't think there's a point, except... well maybe, you know maybe what it was, is that when you were talking about your husband in the plane, I guess that reminded me of Ralph. You see, because Ralph, he was a bore. I mean he was so perfect, there were times I felt like killing him.

• Lt. Columbo : [about murderers]  No conscience limits the imagination.

• Leslie Williams : Lieutenant Columbo, thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

• Lt. Columbo : Uh, did she ask where the body was?

  Agent Carlson : No.

  Lt. Columbo : I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't, uh, ask how her husband was killed, did she?

  Agent Carlson : No...

  Lt. Columbo : That's what I thought.

  Agent Carlson : All right, Lieutenant, what's bothering you now?

• Margaret Williams : She killed my father! I know it and so do you!

  Lt. Columbo : No I don't.

  Margaret Williams : Yes you do!

  Lt. Columbo : No I don't.

  [Margaret moves to smack him, he grabs her hand, firmly] 

  Lt. Columbo : Young lady, don't *ever* do that again.

• Lt. Columbo : You see the thing is with me, eh... I'm a strange guy.

  Leslie Williams : Really?

  Lt. Columbo : Yeah, I worry. I mean little thing bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details, I lose my appetite, I can't eat. My wife she says to me: "You know, you can really be a pain", you know what I mean?

  Leslie Williams : I get the general picture.

• Lt. Columbo : You know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons? Well I was almost afraid to use 'em.

  Leslie Williams : But that's what they're there for, lieutenant - to be used.

  Lt. Columbo : Well if you don't mind my asking: when you use one, and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?

  Leslie Williams : It's a problem.

  Lt. Columbo : That's what I figured.

• Lt. Columbo : Unique woman.

  Agent Carlson : What's that?

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I say, uh, she's an exceptional woman.

  Agent Carlson : What do you mean?

  Lt. Columbo : Well, when the phone rang, you know, she ran to the phone, she picked up the receiver, and uh, she never asked her - her husband if he was all right.

  Agent Carlson : I don't see anything strange about that. The woman was frightened, under stress.

  Lt. Columbo : That's right, yeah, yeah, she - she was, she was under stress, right. Gee, I just can't help thinking though, but... if I was in the hands of kidnappers, and my wife didn't ask me if I was okay, uh... I'd think about that.

  Agent Carlson : What's your point, Lieutenant?

  Lt. Columbo : Point? No, no, no point. Just that, uh... she's a unique person.

  Agent Carlson : Good night, Lieutenant.

• Lt. Columbo , Leslie Williams : Ah, Mrs. Williams! Don't you have any live-in servants?

  Leslie Williams : Yes.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, well it must be the same problem everywhere. You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.

  Leslie Williams : How's that?

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I was just saying, you pay a lot of money for help, and you end up doin the cooking.

  Leslie Williams : Well, you see, my housekeeper's been on vacation the last few weeks.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I see then, so you've been here alone. Well, listen, if there's, I mean, anything I can do to help, peel potatoes, whatever, you just feel free.

• Lt. Columbo : [to Leslie Williams]  No conscience limits your imagination.

• Lt. Columbo : I don't know how you do it.

  Michael Clark : Do what?

  Lt. Columbo : Work for a woman.

• Leslie Williams : An idiosyncracy.

  Lt. Columbo : Right, idiosyncracy. Gee that's a good word.

  Leslie Williams : Oh, one of the best.

• Lt. Columbo : It's the crackers that make the dish.

• Lt. Columbo : Here's lookin' at you, Mrs. Williams.