Murder by Death (1976)

Eileen Brennan: Tess Skeffington

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lionel Twain : I'm the greatest, I'm number one!

  Sam Diamond : To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?

  Dora Charleston : What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?

  Tess Skeffington : I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

• Tess Skeffington : Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.

  Sam Diamond : I was working on a case! Working.

  Tess Skeffington : Every night for six months?

  Sam Diamond : I got 50 bucks a day in expenses. I had dem queeries.

  Tess Skeffington : Twain had Polaroid pictures of Sam in drag.

  Sam Diamond : I was in disguise. Lots fo dames go in those joints. I never kissed nobody.

• [a bomb is about to explode] 

  Sam Diamond : I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!

  Tess Skeffington : I've turned, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.

  Tess Skeffington : [turns around]  But Sam...

  Sam Diamond : I SAID TURN AROUND!

  Tess Skeffington : Yes, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.

• Tess Skeffington : He was arrested in 1932 in Chicago for selling pornographic Bibles. The D.A. couldn't make the charge stick when the church refused to turn over the Bibles.

• Sam Diamond : Wouldn't you know, out of gas.

  Tess Skeffington : I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : [hands her a gas can]  I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.

• Tess Skeffington : He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?

• Sam Diamond : I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?

  Tess Skeffington : Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...

  Sam Diamond : All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.

• Tess Skeffington : I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.

  Sam Diamond : Hold yourself. I'm busy.

• Sam Diamond : I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?

  Tess Skeffington : I don't care about the money, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Neither do I.

• Dick Charleston : [Cutting-room floor-scene of the Charlestons driving through heavy fog to Twain Manor]  ... You know something, darling? I smell crime in the air.

  Dora Charleston : I'm not surprised. You just ran over a small animal.

  Dick Charleston : Did I? Oh, sorry about that... LOOK OUT!

  [he slams on the brakes to avoid hitting Tess] 

  Dick Charleston : ... Hello out there! Are you hurt?

  Tess Skeffington : [exhausted from walking]  ... Oh, I'm fine - I just hiked five miles back this way from the gas station. Thank Heavens you saw me when you did.

  Dick Charleston : Oh yes, I wouldn't want blood on my hands twice in one night. Well, keep to the side of the road.

  [he drives off, leaving Tess standing there!] 

• Sam Diamond : Maybe I'm just a patsy being set up take the fall, but I'm not falling for any o'yous, you understand?

  Tess Skeffington : Not even me, Sam?

  Sam Diamond : Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back?

• Tess Skeffington : Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office?

  Sam Diamond : Suspects. Always looking for suspects.

• Tess Skeffington : If you ask me, Sam, this is a wild goose chase.

  Sam Diamond : Nobody asked you.

  Tess Skeffington : Yes, they did. You asked me back there if l thought...

  Sam Diamond : That was then. This is now. Nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way it is, whether we like it or not.

  Tess Skeffington : Sam, l really worry about you sometimes.

  Sam Diamond : Alright cut the malarkey. This trip is strictly business. What do you got on Twain?

  Tess Skeffington : He was born in San Francisco in . His mother was Catholic, father an Orthodox Jew. They separated two hours after the marriage.

  Sam Diamond : Any children?

  Tess Skeffington : Yeah, one daughter, 32. Her name's lrene, but she goes by Rita.

  Sam Diamond : Just like a dame. Don't stop, angel. You're doing fine.

  Tess Skeffington : He was arrested in 1932 in Chicago for selling pornographic bibles. The D.A. couldn't make the charge stick when the church refused to turn over the bibles. There's nothing on him until '46 when he was picked up in EI Paso, Texas for smuggling a truckload of rich, white Americans into Mexico to pick melons. He was sent to the Dallas state hospital for mental observation.

  Sam Diamond : I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel. Anything else?

  Tess Skeffington : Yeah. Get this, Sam. Twain has one interesting physical characteristic. He has no pinkies.

  Sam Diamond : No pinkies? You mean Twain's only got eight fingers?

  Tess Skeffington : No, no. He's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

  Sam Diamond : You did your homework good, angel.

  Tess Skeffington : Thanks, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : Where'd you dig that up stuff?

  Tess Skeffington : I wrote to Twain and asked him.

  Sam Diamond : Good thinking.

• Tess Skeffington : My feet are killing me. Why didn't you tell me we needed oil before I went back for gas?

• Tess Skeffington : I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.

  Sam Diamond : Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

• Sam Diamond : Shut up, all of youse! Nobody move! Stay where you are! Everybody.

  Dick Charleston : What is it?

  Sam Diamond : I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin'.

  Tess Skeffington : I'm going too, Sam.

  Sam Diamond : I'd rather do this alone, Tess. Thanks. anyway.

• Sam Diamond : [reading note]  That tickin' sound you hear, Mr. Diamond, is a bomb in your room that will go off in 30 seconds. Signed: The murderer.

  Tess Skeffington : Quick, Sam, the door!

  Sam Diamond : PS: The door is locked.

• Tess Skeffington : Sam, you're spitting on the nurse.

  Sam Diamond : Sorry, old lady. The crazy broad should be in bed.

• Tess Skeffington : Sam, you're spitting on the nurse.