California Suite (1978)

Maggie Smith: Diana Barrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Diana Barrie : Screw the Oscars. Screw the Academy Awards. Screw me, Sidney. Please. Please.

• Diana Barrie : What's that green slime you're eating? It looks like a dish out of Oliver Twist.

  Sidney Cochran : I'm not sure... I think they run the front lawn through a blender.

• [getting ready for Oscar ceremony] 

  Diana Barrie : Will you please be nice to me and pay me one bloody compliment. I've been getting ready for this horseshit affair for *three hours!*

• Sidney Cochran : I am going to bed. We have a 10 a.m. plane to catch in the morning.

  Diana Barrie : 10 a.m. is the morning. That is redundant, you A.H.

  Sidney Cochran : Oh, do you think I don't know what you're saying? I *can* spell, you know.

  Diana Barrie : Not without moving your lips, you can't.

• Diana Barrie : [angrily]  I'm not asking you - I'm threatening you, you crud!

  Sidney Cochran : Now I'm definitely not going to tell you.

  Diana Barrie : [sincerely]  I'm sorry - I take it back Sidney, you're not a crud!

  Sidney Cochran : Am I still an asshole?

  Diana Barrie : Definitely!

• Sidney Cochran : Channel 12 just called you the dark horse. They must have seen the dress.

  Diana Barrie : You hate it.

  Sidney Cochran : How much was it?

  Diana Barrie : Nothing, Joe Pickman paid for it.

  Sidney Cochran : Then I love it.

  Diana Barrie : Damn it I wish you didn't have such good taste.

• Diana Barrie : If there's one thing i can't stand it's a bi-sexual homosexual. Or is it the other way 'round?

  Sidney Cochran : It works either way.

• Diana Barrie : [after he kisses her]  Don't close your eyes, Sidney.

  Sidney Cochran : I always close my eyes.

  Diana Barrie : Not tonight. Look at me tonight. Let it be me tonight.

• Diana Barrie : How many gin-and-tonics have you had?

  Sidney Cochran : Three gins, one tonic.

  Diana Barrie : [admonishingly]  Catch up on the tonics. We don't want to be disgusting tonight, do we?

• Sidney Cochran : [shouting]  I am not an asshole!

  Diana Barrie : I've just thrown up on some of the biggest people in Hollywood. Now is no time to be sensitive.

• Diana Barrie : You can stop pretending to be asleep, Sidney. It's over.

  Sidney Cochran : [removes his headphones]  I was listening to Beethoven's Ninth. Somewhere on this plane there's a wonderful orchestra.

• Passenger : I hope you win the Oscar!

  Diana Barrie : [privately to Sidney]  It's bizarre. Eight years with the national theatre, two Pinter plays, nine Shakespeare, three Shaw, and I finally get nominated for a nauseating little comedy.

  Sidney Cochran : That's why they call it Hollywood.

• Diana Barrie : What's wrong with my hair? I look like I've combed it with a towel.

  Sidney Cochran : When you played Elizabeth, you looked like a warthog and you never complained once.

  Diana Barrie : That was acting. This is living. Living - I want to be beautiful.

• Diana Barrie : Oh, Christ, I hate getting dressed like this. Why is it I'm always perfectly comfortable as somebody else. I'd be perfectly happy going as Hedda Gabler.

  Sidney Cochran : Try Quasimodo.

  Diana Barrie : Try shutting up!

• Diana Barrie : Now, check me out. Do I have too much jewelry on?

  Sidney Cochran : Jingle it. I can't tell if I don't hear it.

• Diana Barrie : Give me a drink. You have the most bizarre sense of humor.

  Sidney Cochran : Bizarre people often do!

  [pours Diana a drink] 

  Diana Barrie : Give me a bit more. It's alright. I won't get pissed till after I lose.

• Sidney Cochran : Where are you going?

  Diana Barrie : I need another drink. The last one wore off in the lift.

• Diana Barrie : You should have never given it up, Sidney.

  Sidney Cochran : What?

  Diana Barrie : Acting! Christ, you were good. You had more promise than anyone.

  Sidney Cochran : Really? I can't think what it was I promised.

  Diana Barrie : You were so gentle on stage. So unselfish. So giving. You had a sweet, gentle quality.

  Sidney Cochran : Yes. I would have made a wonderful Ophelia.

• Diana Barrie : You could go back, Sidney, if you wanted to. We could do plays together. Have more time together.

  Sidney Cochran : No, there'd be problems. It would be awful if we were both up for the same part.

• Diana Barrie : You haven't started anything naughty without me, have you?

• Diana Barrie : God damn him! God damn you. God damn Oscars. God damn California! God damn everything.

  Sidney Cochran : What is it about this climate that brings out the religion in you?

• Diana Barrie : We should never have come. I never know how to dress in this bloody country. It is so easy to dress in England. You just put on warm clothing.

• Diana Barrie : I look as if I've been hit by a bus! A fully loaded, guided tour bus!

• Diana Barrie : Oh, God, how I envy you. You're the one with all the talent. I'm the one who has to make a horse's ass of myself.

  Sidney Cochran : Talent? What talent do I have?

  Diana Barrie : You have nothing but talent. You cook better than I do. You write better than I do. God knows you dress better than I do.

  Sidney Cochran : Better than I. The "do" is superfluous.

  Diana Barrie : You speak better than I do.

• [first lines] 

  [a two-seater plane is flying over snow-capped mountains] 

  Harold : For heaven's sake, Wendy - look for an airport. Will you look for the airport?

  Diana Barrie : Oh don't make such a fuss. Just put it down on a mountain.

  Harold : What do you mean 'just put it down'? I'm lucky I can keep it up. I told you I never flew before.

  Diana Barrie : Don't shout at me - I'm a first-class passenger.

  Harold : You're a first class lunatic. It's all over Wendy - our relationship has a quarter of a tank to go.

  Diana Barrie : Yes, but - you do love me, don't you Harold? I know this is an awkward time to bring it up, but I must know, for our future.

  [plane suddenly plummets] 

  Harold : Whoa-a-a-a!

• [last lines] 

  Stewardess : Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome aboard Flight 211 to New York and London. Our flying time this afternoon will be four hours and fifty minutes and we'll be cruising at an altitude of 37,000 feet. We'll now be serving you cocktails and beverages and then serving lunch, followed by our film 'No Left Turn' starring James Coburn and Diana Barrie.

  Diana Barrie : Oh Christ! Sidney, let's get off. Tell them to let us off this bloody plane.

• Diana Barrie : [on the Academy Awards]  Why do they have these things so early? I mean, no woman can look good at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Except, possibly Tatum O'Neal.

• Diana Barrie : They will think that we are still mad for each other after twelve years.

  Sidney Cochran : Oh, I thought we were. I keep forgetting.

• Diana Barrie : That's not funny Sidney - that's bizarre!

• Diana Barrie : I won't get pissed until after I lose.

• Diana Barrie : What do you do with your afternoon... Sidney?

  Sidney Cochran : In London? I don't think we have afternoon.

• Diana Barrie : There is never anything personal between us, is there? Or is that going too personal?

• [during an argument after the awards] 

  Diana Barrie : Faggot.

  Sidney Cochran : Oh, good. I thought you'd never ask.

• Diana Barrie : I found the people at the Oscars singularly unattractive, didn't you? I noticed a general decline in facelifts and hair transplants. Must be the economy, don't you think?

• Sidney Cochran : Diana, it's Joe Pickman.

  Diana Barrie : Tell him I'm in the can.

• Diana Barrie : You're a chubby little man and I adore you. If I win tonight, darling, it's not going to be an Oscar. It's going to be a Joe Pickman.

• Sidney Cochran : That was very sweet.

  Diana Barrie : Did you like it, dear? That's going to be my acceptance speech.

  Sidney Cochran : Your acceptance speech?

  Diana Barrie : All except the part that I was in the can. Well, naturally, you and I know I don't have a hope in hell; but, you have to prepare something. You can't just stand there, sobbing all over Burt Reynolds.

• Diana Barrie : Let's do something naughty. You always think of such good naughty things to do.

  Sidney Cochran : I was naughty all day yesterday.

  Diana Barrie : Not with me, you weren't.

  Sidney Cochran : You'll just have to learn to show up on time.

• Diana Barrie : Do you know what I might do next year, Sidney?

  Sidney Cochran : I pray, anything but Ibsen.

• Diana Barrie : You've got that glazed look in your eye again, Sidney. That "bored-with-her-life" attitude.

  Sidney Cochran : I'm never bored with your life, my angel. I love the openings and the parties. I lead a very gay life.

• Sidney Cochran : I'm perfectly happy selling my 18th Century door knockers.

  Diana Barrie : You still haven't told me what you do with your afternoons.

  Sidney Cochran : I just told you. I look for knockers.

• Diana Barrie : Are you unhappy because you didn't get to wear my dress?

  Sidney Cochran : If I had worn your dress, it would have hung properly.

• Sidney Cochran : Nothing personal.

  Diana Barrie : There never is anything personal between us, is there? Or, is that getting too personal?

• Sidney Cochran : I was devastated when you lost. But, look at it this way, it's just a little bald, naked statue.

  Diana Barrie : Just like you'll be one day.

• Sidney Cochran : I have never hidden behind closed doors. But, I am discrete.

  Diana Barrie : Discrete! You did everything but lick his artichoke.

• Sidney Cochran : Diana, it is nearly four o'clock in the morning. Now is not a good time to discuss biological discrepancies.

  Diana Barrie : Faggot!

• Diana Barrie : Its been an evening of ups-and-downs, hasn't it? - - Care to continue the motion?

  Sidney Cochran : Tacky. You're getting tacky, my angel.

• Diana Barrie : I look like I was hit by a fully-loaded, guided tour bus.