Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Dustin Hoffman: Ted Kramer

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Quotes 

• Billy Kramer : Daddy?

  Ted Kramer : Yeah?

  Billy Kramer : I'm sorry.

  Ted Kramer : I'm sorry too. I want you to go to sleep because it's really late.

  Billy Kramer : Daddy?

  Ted Kramer : Now what is it?

  Billy Kramer : Are you going away?

  Ted Kramer : No. I'm staying here with you. You can't get rid of me that easy.

  Billy Kramer : That's why Mommy left, isn't it? Because I was bad?

  Ted Kramer : Is that what you think? No. That's not it, Billy. Your mom loves you very much... and the reason she left has nothing to do with you. I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll try to explain it to you. I think the reason why Mommy left... was because for a long time... I kept trying to make her be a certain kind of person. A certain kind of wife that I thought she was supposed to be. And she just wasn't like that. She was... She just wasn't like that. I think that she tried for so long to make me happy... and when she couldn't, she tried to talk to me about it. But I wasn't listening. I was too busy, too wrapped up... just thinking about myself. And I thought that anytime I was happy, she was happy. But I think underneath she was very sad. Mommy stayed here longer than she wanted because she loves you so much. And the reason why Mommy couldn't stay anymore... was because she couldn't stand me. She didn't leave because of you. She left because of me. Go to sleep now because it's really late, okay? Good night. Sleep tight.

  Billy Kramer : Don't let the bedbugs bite.

  Ted Kramer : See you in the morning light.

  Billy Kramer : Daddy?

  Ted Kramer : Yeah?

  Billy Kramer : I love you.

  Ted Kramer : I love you too.

• Ted Kramer : [while Billy brings ice cream to the table]  You go right back and put that right back until you finish your dinner... I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you are in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you DARE do that. You hear me? Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, VERY big trouble. Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now. I am not going to say it again. I am NOT going to say it AGAIN.

  [Billy eats ice cream] 

  Billy Kramer : [Ted picks him up]  Ow! You're hurting me!

  Ted Kramer : OW! Don't you kick me!

  Billy Kramer : I hate you!

  Ted Kramer : You're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now...

  Billy Kramer : I hate you!

  Ted Kramer : And I hate you back, you little shit!

  Billy Kramer : I want my mommy!

  Ted Kramer : I'm all you got.

• [Phyllis comes out of the bedroom, naked, sees Billy and screams] 

  Billy Kramer : Hi.

  Phyllis Bernard : Hi.

  Billy Kramer : What's your name?

  Phyllis Bernard : I'm Phyllis Bernard.

  Billy Kramer : Who?

  Phyllis Bernard : I'm a friend... uh, business associate of your father's... dad.

  Ted Kramer : [in the bedroom]  Oh, Jesus.

  Billy Kramer : Do you like fried chicken?

  Phyllis Bernard : Fried chicken? Very much.

  Billy Kramer : So do I.

  Phyllis Bernard : Uhm... well, it's really... It's been nice seeing you and...

  Billy Kramer : Bye.

  Phyllis Bernard : Bye.

  [comes back to the bedroom] 

  Phyllis Bernard : Kramer, I just met your son.

• Ted Kramer : Margaret, I just need to know something. Did you put Joanna up to this?

  Margaret Phelps : No, I did not put Joanna up to this.

  Ted Kramer : Give her a little pep talk, maybe?

  Margaret Phelps : Joanna is a very unhappy woman and it took a lot of courage to walk out this door.

  Ted Kramer : How much courage does it take to walk out on your kid?

• Ted Kramer : What's the matter?

  Billy Kramer : Your hand's all sweaty! When's Mommy coming back?

  Ted Kramer : Soon. I told you before. Very soon.

  Billy Kramer : Is she gonna pick me up after school?

  Ted Kramer : Probably. And if she doesn't I will.

  Billy Kramer : What if you forget?

  Ted Kramer : I won't forget!

  Billy Kramer : What if you get run over by a truck and get killed? Then what happens?

  Ted Kramer : Then Mommy will pick you up.

• [Joanna is crying] 

  Ted Kramer : Hi, what's up? Tell me. What? What's the matter?

  Joanna Kramer : I woke up this morning, kept thinking about Billy and I was thinking about him waking up in his room with his little clouds all around that I painted and I thought I should have painted clouds downtown because then he would think that he was waking up at home. I came here to take my son home. And I realized he already is home.

• [last lines] 

  Ted Kramer : Listen why don't you go upstairs and see him and I'll wait here.

  Joanna Kramer : [wipes the tears from her eyes and pats her hair]  How do I look?

  Ted Kramer : You look terrific.

• Billy Kramer : Who's gonna read me my bedtime stories?

  Ted Kramer : Mommy will.

  Billy Kramer : You're not gonna kiss me good night anymore, are you, Dad?

  Ted Kramer : No, I won't be able to do that. But, you know, I get to visit. It's gonna be ok, really.

  Billy Kramer : [crying]  If I don't like it, can I come home?

  Ted Kramer : What do you mean if you don't like it? You're gonna have a great time with Mommy. Really. She loves you so much.

  Billy Kramer : Dad? Don't forget, once, if you can just call me up, okay?

  Ted Kramer : We're gonna be okay. Come on, let's go get some ice cream.

• [Ted is having lunch with his boss] 

  Ted Kramer : So the other morning, I'm at the refrigerator... you know, getting Billy ready for school. So I'm just in my underwear and he notices I've lost weight. And he comes in and pats me. He comes up to here

  [touches his stomach] 

  Ted Kramer : , and he says "Daddy, you've really lost a lot of weight", he looks up at me and he says "And it's all gone to your nose."

  [laughs] 

  Ted Kramer : He was so cute. You know?

• Billy Kramer : We need cereal.

  Ted Kramer : Okay, what color?

• Ted Kramer : My wife used to always say to me, "Why can't a woman have the same ambitions as a man." I think you're right. Maybe I've learned that much. But by the same token, I'd like to know, what law is it that says a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? I've had a lot of time to think about what it is that makes somebody a good parent, you know. It has to do with constancy. It has to do with patience. It has to do with listening to him. It has to do with pretending to listen to him when you can't even listen any more. It has to do with love - like, like, like she was saying. And I don't know where its written that says that a woman has a corner on that market. That a man has any less of those emotions than a woman does? Billy has a home with me. I've made it the best I could.

• [Ted and Billy are having dinner] 

  Ted Kramer : How was school today?

  Billy Kramer : Same as usual.

  Ted Kramer : Hey, I see the Knicks finally won a game, what do you know?

  Billy Kramer : I don't care.

  Ted Kramer : What do you mean?

  Billy Kramer : I like Boston.

  Ted Kramer : Boston? Why do you like Boston?

  Billy Kramer : 'Cause Mommy's from Boston.

• [Joanna is leaving Ted] 

  Ted Kramer : Come on now, what about Billy?

  Joanna Kramer : I'm not taking him with me. I'm no good for him. I'm terrible with him. I have no patience. He's better off without me.

  Ted Kramer : Joanna, please.

  Joanna Kramer : And I don't love you anymore.

  Ted Kramer : Where are you going?

  Joanna Kramer : I don't know.

• Ted Kramer : Daddy's got to bring home the bacon! Not only does he bring home the bacon, but, he's got to cook it too.

• Ted Kramer : The fact is that for the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest accounts its ever had and at five o'clock this afternoon we got the account! At eight o'clock I'm walking home with the Vice President who tells me I'm going to be the next Creative Director of this Department and I come through this door, to share with my wife who what was going to be one of the five best days of my life and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore! Don't you understand what she's done to me?

  Margaret Phelps : Yeah, she lost her part of one of the five best days of your life.

• Ted Kramer : So, did you have a lot of fun?

  Billy Kramer : You're late.

  Ted Kramer : I'm not that late - I'm only 20 minutes.

  Billy Kramer : Wanna make a bet?

  Ted Kramer : Yeah.

  Billy Kramer : All the other mothers were there before you!

• Billy Kramer : What did you do when you were little?

  Ted Kramer : I guess about the same things you do.

  Billy Kramer : Did you watch "The Brady Bunch"?

  Ted Kramer : No. We didn't have any television.

  Billy Kramer : You didn't?

• Billy Kramer : What else didn't you have when you were little?

  Ted Kramer : We didn't have lots of things.

  Billy Kramer : Like?

  Ted Kramer : Like a lot of things.

  Billy Kramer : What kind?

  Ted Kramer : Come here. We didn't have diet soda. We had egg creams - which is a little bit of chocolate syrup and a little bit of seltzer water and a little bit of milk and you went Shoooosh! all swooshed up when you drank it and it was de-licious. We didn't have the Mets, but, we had the Brooklyn Dodgers. We had the Polo Grounds. We had Ebbits Field. Ah, boy, those were the days. And we didn't have the Volkswagens; but, we had all those different kind of cars with the funny names on 'em. We didn't have any Burger Kings or McDonalds. We had automats where you went inside and you put a quarter in and you get, you know, a piece of pie or a sandwich that you see through a window. We didn't have any graffiti; but, we had this guy, Kilroy, and he went down the street...

• Ted Kramer : You had a date. I knew it! I knew you were keeping something from me.

  Margaret Phelps : Well, you know, I told you I thought he was a pretty neat guy, right.

  Ted Kramer : Right.

  Margaret Phelps : So, we go to dinner.

  Ted Kramer : Yeah.

  Margaret Phelps : I find out he's married, he's deep in analysis, and, get this, he starts to tell me his life story. And all I can think of, while I'm sitting there, is that I'm paying a babysitter three dollars and a quarter an hour to listen to his problems!

• Ted Kramer : [gets out of bed]  Where are you going?

  Phyllis Bernard : To the bathroom.

  Ted Kramer : That's a closet. The bathroom's over there.

  Phyllis Bernard : Oh, yeah. You're right.

• Gressen : Would you say you've achieved a certain status or position in your profession?

  Ted Kramer : Yes, I think I have a pretty good reputation.

  Gressen : Mr. Kramer, when you were working at Roth, Kane & Donavon what was your salary?

  Ted Kramer : I was making around $32,000 a year.

  Gressen : And now, I believe, you're working at Norman, Craig and Kummel?

  Ted Kramer : Yes.

  Gressen : And what is your salary there?

  Ted Kramer : Its almost 29,000.

  Gressen : Could you be more specific, Mr. Kramer?

  Ted Kramer : I make $28,200.

  Gressen : 28,200. Well, Mr. Kramer, you're the only person that I've heard that is working his way down the ladder of success.

• Billy Kramer : What is this crap?

  Ted Kramer : Salisbury steak.

  Billy Kramer : I hate it!

  Ted Kramer : You do not hate it. You had it last week and you loved it.

  Billy Kramer : No I didn't. I hate the brown stuff. It's gross.

  Ted Kramer : All that is is onions and gravy.

  Billy Kramer : I'm allergic to onions!

  Ted Kramer : You are not allergic to onions. You had this last week and, remember, I told you it was my favorite when I was a little boy and you said it's my favorite too.

  Billy Kramer : I did not.

  Ted Kramer : Yes, you did. Here, it's regular hamburger. Just give it a little bite. It's delicious!

  Billy Kramer : Yeech!

  Ted Kramer : What's the matter?

  Billy Kramer : I think I'm gonna throw up. It's yucky!

  Ted Kramer : It's not yucky, Billy. Eat it!

• Margaret Phelps : Ted, you don't seem to realize we have a serious problem.

  Ted Kramer : Who on, Margaret? Me! I got the problem. All you got to do is Psst! go out the door Psst! go down stairs and go back to bed.

• Ted Kramer : What grade are you in?

  Billy Kramer : First.

• Ted Kramer : Obviously, my wife and you have had numerous conversations about my shortcomings, which I have not been privy to, and I would love to sit here and talk to you; but, somebody has to bring home the bacon and I have a major presentation in the morning and I just got to get my work done.

• Phyllis Bernard : Hello Kramer.

  Ted Kramer : Will you check the copy on the Mid-Atlantic.

  Phyllis Bernard : Sure.

  Ted Kramer : I think its okay.

  Phyllis Bernard : [studying the document]  Yes.

  Ted Kramer : Yes, what?

  Phyllis Bernard : [looks at Ted]  Yes, I'll have dinner with you.

  Ted Kramer : Thank you.

• Billy Kramer : You're not going to kiss me good night any more, are you Dad?

  Ted Kramer : No. I won't be able to do that. But, you know, I'll - I get to visit. It's gonna be okay. Really.

• Jim O'Connor : Teddy, is there a - another guy?

  Ted Kramer : I don't think so. I mean, she's not the type. She's got this friend Margaret downstairs, you know, and they dat-dat-dat-dat-da. You know, women's lib and - I think they cooked this up. Ah, who knows? You know what I mean?