Even though Jacqueline Susann's book was a massive best-seller (outdoing The Bible for a time!) and even now remains one of the all-time literary success stories, no one has been able to make a decent movie out of it. The 1967 film was legendarily horrid, but remains a cult classic, at least, thanks to the outrageously bad acting, the howling dialogue, the flashy costumes and the colorful settings. This TV mini-series version should have been able to flesh things out and make something more of the story, but instead it just throws all the ingredients in a blender (along with some added characters and situations) and spews it all back out in an incredibly pedestrian and unengrossing fashion. Hicks plays an entertainment attorney, working for producer Coburn and romancing director Birney. Hamel is an actress who falls for her co-star Convy. Hartman is a nightclub singer who hits it big in the movies and the concert scene. For nearly four hours, the ladies' romantic entanglements and career problems are displayed (unrealistically) as their lives intertwine. Somehow, the inherently racy and trashy source material is stripped of any and all flavor as the stories are either watered down or haphazardly presented. Changes to the settings and entertainment mediums are another detriment. Plus the whole thing just looks cheap, with blank backgrounds, ludicrous costumes and tacky scaffolding providing the atmosphere for the filming of a major Hollywood musical! Hicks has the most bland role as a goody-goody who never goes near any "dolls". Her clothes in the film are atrocious at almost every turn. Hamel is luminous at times and gives the best performance and gets the best wardrobe (with a few icky exceptions.) Hartman is mostly unbearable, inheriting the shrill, whining annoyance that Patty Duke brought to the original, but without the glamorous clothes and make-up. She often looks like a buffoon and sports some of the worst hair that TV has ever seen. As in the original, the male cast members are unbelievably colorless and uninteresting (except for Coburn, who tries in vain to add a little class and finesse to this dull affair.) Birney is simply not appealing enough to warrant ALL THREE women going after him. Collins does okay, but epitomizes the word bland. Convy embarrasses himself almost beyond redemption. Sprouting an ungodly crown of curly hair, he headlines what has to be the most vomitus film musical imaginable and often looks ridiculous. By the time his character is in a sanitarium, Convy's credibility is in the toilet. Simmons appears in the now-legendary role of Helen Lawson and, though she gives it the old college try, she is undone by the tweaks to her character. She wavers from impossibly shrewy to sympathetic with little believability. In the softened wig-pulling cat fight scene, her black hair is torn off to reveal a perfectly-coiffed head of silvery grey hair underneath (which was actually a wig itself!) This lacks the impact of the scraggly mess which should have been under there and comes off as preposterous. Her musical number with Convy is as unreal as it is repugnant. Several other characters are either altered or added, to no great effect. Sparv, however, gives an appealing performance as an attractive lesbian artist. This is worth a look for the curious and has a mildly entertaining appeal for those who enjoy tacky soap operas, but can't begin to compare with the gloriously awful big screen version. Meanwhile, the world waits for an authentic (or at least credible) adaptation of Susann's roman a clef.
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