Cheers (1982–1993)

Ted Danson: Sam Malone, Self

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Quotes 

• Diane : Sam, may I have a brief word with you?

  Sam : I suppose you could, but I doubt it.

• Sam : What are you up to, Norm?

  Norm : My ideal weight... if I were 11 feet tall.

• Sam : [regarding Norm's bar tab]  You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar".

• Frasier : You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape.

  [getting turned on] 

  Frasier : Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair.

  [breathing heavily] 

  Frasier : Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.

  Sam : Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.

  Frasier : In a minute, Sam.

• Sam : What'll you have Normie?

  Norm : Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

  Sam : Looks like beer, Norm.

  Norm : Call me Mister Lucky.

• Rebecca : I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.

  Sam : Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.

• Sam : [watches Diane leave for the last time]  Have a good life.

• [Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse] 

  Frasier : Oh, dear God.

  Sam : What? What is it?

  Frasier : Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?

  Carla : Just a wild guess: a snack?

• [to Diane in court] 

  Sam : To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.

• Sam : Hey, Norm, can I get you a beer?

  Norm : Beer? Isn't that the amber-colored, carbonated liquid? I've heard good things about it.

• [Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment] 

  Sam : [angry]  You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.

  Diane : [coolly]  They'd have to be.

  Sam : Damn.

• Diane : Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?

  Sam : [pause]  Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".

  Diane : [completely unsurprised]  Goodbye, Sam.

  Sam : Goodbye, Blanche.

• Norm : [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office]  Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.

  Sam : Yeah, I guess so.

  [knocks on the door] 

  Sam : Frasier, you guys all right?

  Frasier : [opening the door]  A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.

• Sam : I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.

  Diane : On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew.

• Sam : And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.

  Diane : You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...

  Sam : SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.

  Diane : Make me.

  Sam : Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.

  Diane : Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.

• Sam : You drinking again?

  Rebecca : Certainly not. I never stopped.

• [Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers] 

  Sam : Who's your secret admirer?

  [Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does] 

  Carla : None of your damn business!

  Coach : What'd she say?

  Sam : "None of your damn business."

  Coach : [angry]  Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?

  Sam : You DID, Coach.

  Coach : Oh, then we're even.

• Diane : And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

  Sam : Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.

• Sam : Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.

  Frasier : Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

  Carla : Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

• Sam : You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

  Diane : You disgust me. I hate you.

  Sam : Are you turned on as I am?

  Diane : More.

• [Coach has just fired a baseball player for grabbing Diane's ass] 

  Sam : Are you gonna fire him for that little thing?

  Coach : The only thing he's had in his hands this whole week is Diane's ass.

• Diane : You've been with a lot of women.

  Sam : No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.

  Diane : How many have there been?

  Sam : Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...

  [Diane makes a startled gasp] 

  Sam : Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

• [the gang had been talking about reincarnation] 

  Cliff : Hey Sam, what of you think about death?

  Sam : [angry at Diane]  Too good for her.

• Carla : I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook.

  Sam : Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?

  Carla : You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe.

• Sam : Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.

  Diane : "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.

  Sam : Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?

  Diane : You ended that sentence with a proposition.

  Sam : Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?

• Lilith : [Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy]  Lay your hands upon me, everyone, I am life!

  Frasier : Oh boy.

  Lilith : I am Mother. My man's seed is nourished within me.

  [to Sam] 

  Lilith : Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating!

  Sam : Well, I'll tell you this is kind of a first for me, but I'm gonna pass.

• [after crashing Cliff's car, the guys try to get it restarted] 

  Sam : I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening.

  Cliff : That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left.

  Sam : Got it.

  Cliff : Then I turn the key as hard as I can.

  [Sam turns the key] 

  Sam : Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition.

  Cliff : I said "As hard as I can", Sammy.

• Sam : What's new, Normie?

  Norm : Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.

• Sam : I'm Sam Malone, by the way.

  Henri : Ooh. I've heard about you in France.

  Sam : Oh yeah. You follow baseball?

  Henri : No, stewardesses.

• [Sam and Diane are about to have sex for the first time] 

  Sam : [to God, muttering]  She better be GREAT.

• [Sam tries to hotwire Cliff's disabled car] 

  Frasier : Are you sure you know what you're doing?

  Sam : Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car.

  [Sam electrocutes himself and falls to the ground] 

  Frasier : Sam, are you all right?

  Sam : Diane?

  Cliff : You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off.

  Norm : Wait, the doors *lock*?

  Cliff : Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working.

  Norm : I guess I'll have to do it manually then...

  [screaming at Cliff] 

  Norm : You locked us out of the car!

• [the guys play a game of basketball, but Norm's ball won't bounce] 

  Sam : The ball seems a little low on air, Norm.

  Norm : Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers.

  Cliff : There's no gym next to Cheers.

  Norm : I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store.

  Cliff : There's no jewelry store either.

  Norm : I know, they tore that down to build the bank.

  Sam : Bank's been there as long as I can remember.

  Norm : Well, there you go.

• Woody : Sam, I found an apartment... It's got everything I ever wanted... a living room and a bedroom.

  Sam : Isn't this in Chinatown?

  Woody : I don't think so Sam.

  Sam : Well yeah I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?

  Woody : Yeah, I guess so.

  Cliff : Were there a lot of uh signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?

  Woody : Yeah, come to think of it.

  Norm : Lots of Chinese people walking around in the street I suppose.

  Woody : Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence you know. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would.

• Sam : Have you noticed that, uh... somebody in this bar is getting a little loony?

  Frasier : Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony.

• Sam : Listen, listen, listen - if you don't love the guy, then why don't you just back out of this?

  Rebecca : I'm supposed to tell the richest man in the world that I don't wanna marry him?

  Sam : No, he's not rich anymore, remember?

  Rebecca : That's right. What's his number?

• [the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary] 

  Diane : Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.

  Sam : Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?

  Carla : I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

• Diane : Come on, Sam, just leave us in here.

  Sam : That's a great idea - leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol.

• [while Sam and the guys play poker, Rebecca discovers the bar has no liquor license and starts serving non-alcoholic beverages] 

  Sam : Rebecca, could we have another round of beers? The guys are going through it like it's water.

  Rebecca : Well, it's not!

• Sam : Woody, next time you order beer, be more specific than "lots".

• Rebecca : I was told by my boss to come up with something for the retirement party so I got this left over seafood platter from Melville's.

  Carla : Leftover seafood? Isn't that kind of cheap?

  Rebecca : What should I have done? Strip naked and dance on the tables to "Funky Cold Medina"?

  Sam : We could help you rehearse.

• Sam : Time to rap about a controversy / Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy / Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be / Doing the sports new on TV / I don't wanna hear the latest scores / From a bunch broadcast school boys / So get your scores from a guy like me / Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury. G-g-groin, g-g-groin injury.

• Sam : [after a bar patron tells him about a girl from UConn known as "Back-seat Becky"]  Say, Rebecca, where'd you go to college?

  Rebecca : University of Connecticut, why?

• [Frasier has kidnapped baby Federick from his own bris] 

  Sam : Frasier, you realize you have to go back.

  Frasier : I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?

  Cliff : Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey!

• Sam : If I win, I get to go bed with you.

  Rebecca : What do I get if I win?

  Sam : YOU get to go bed with ME.

• Rebecca : So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

  Sam : We sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you have ever seen.

  Rebecca : Who do they look like Carla or Eddie.

  Woody : Well they're twins. They kinda' look like each other.

• [referring to Sam's latest date] 

  Diane : Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

  Sam : What's that crack supposed to mean? She... she young or something?

  Diane : Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages.

  Sam : Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii.

• Rebecca : Sam, I need to talk to you, and I have no one else to talk to.

  Sam : Sure, what is it?

  Rebecca : I'm having problems with my relationship with Robin, and I think it may have something to do with this.

  [Reaches into her shirt and pulls off her face like a mask to reveal Al when Sam suddenly wakes up] 

  Sam : I hope that was a dream.

• [Sam is jealous of his brother Derek] 

  Diane : Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard.

  Sam : [bitter]  In a plane or on his back?

• Woody : Have you had her scream for you, Sam?

  Sam : Later Woody, later.

• Sam : You know what Woody, you just gave me something to think about.

  Woody : I'm sorry Sam, I hate it when someone does that to me.

• Sam : You know, you've made my life a living hell.

  Diane : Nobody said it would be easy.

• Carla : Where's Diane?

  Sam : Oh, she's out at an interview to be a T.A. at some college.

  Carla : She'll never get it. She's a big "A" with no "T"'s.

• Rebecca : [after Sam winks at her]  Mr. Malone, are you developing a tic?

  Sam : No, that was a wink.

  Rebecca : Oh, then you're developing into a tick.

• Diane : Do I beg men to fall in love with me?

  Sam : I hope not. I like to think I was special.

• Sam : [Sam has sworn off his womanizing ways, but the bar patrons beg him to reconsider]  Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!