Cheers (1982–1993)

Shelley Long: Diane Chambers, Self

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Diane : Sam, may I have a brief word with you?

  Sam : I suppose you could, but I doubt it.

• Carla : I've got it! I've got it!

  Diane : What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?

  Carla : Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it!

• Diane : He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.

  Carla : He wants you to wear a padded bra?

• [Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment] 

  Sam : [angry]  You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.

  Diane : [coolly]  They'd have to be.

  Sam : Damn.

• Diane : Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?

  Sam : [pause]  Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".

  Diane : [completely unsurprised]  Goodbye, Sam.

  Sam : Goodbye, Blanche.

• Sam : I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.

  Diane : On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew.

• Sam : And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.

  Diane : You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...

  Sam : SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.

  Diane : Make me.

  Sam : Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.

  Diane : Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.

• Diane : Methinks the man does protest too much.

  Woody : Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?"

  Carla : Not in your case, Woody.

• Diane : And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

  Sam : Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.

• Sam : You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

  Diane : You disgust me. I hate you.

  Sam : Are you turned on as I am?

  Diane : More.

• [Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife] 

  Carla : Look, here's a picture of them.

  [Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes] 

  Diane : She's naked.

  Carla : So what? So is he.

  Diane : [looking at the picture again]  I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

• Diane : You've been with a lot of women.

  Sam : No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.

  Diane : How many have there been?

  Sam : Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...

  [Diane makes a startled gasp] 

  Sam : Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

• Sam : Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.

  Diane : "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.

  Sam : Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?

  Diane : You ended that sentence with a proposition.

  Sam : Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?

• Diane : If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.

• Diane : "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these - it might have been."

• [the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary] 

  Diane : Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.

  Sam : Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?

  Carla : I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

• Diane : Come on, Sam, just leave us in here.

  Sam : That's a great idea - leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol.

• Diane : Oh no. The thing I feared most has happened.

  Carla : What? Your Living Bra died of boredom?

• [referring to Sam's latest date] 

  Diane : Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.

  Sam : What's that crack supposed to mean? She... she young or something?

  Diane : Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages.

  Sam : Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii.

• Diane : One murder does not a murderer make.

• Diane : The arrival of yet another thickheaded jock epic. There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress.

• [Sam is jealous of his brother Derek] 

  Diane : Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard.

  Sam : [bitter]  In a plane or on his back?

• Sam : You know, you've made my life a living hell.

  Diane : Nobody said it would be easy.

• Diane : Do I beg men to fall in love with me?

  Sam : I hope not. I like to think I was special.