P'tang, Yang, Kipperbang (1982 TV Movie)
John Albasiny: Alan Duckworth
Photos
Quotes
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Alan : Bums are nothing really - everyone's got a bum. Always have had - they're nothing to be ashamed of. Dicks aren't either - everyone's got a dick. It's only the human torso. Tits included - I mean they're just for feeding babies with, deep down, not for bouncing about. The same goes for getting a feel. Kissing's different. A kiss is...
Tommy : Girls like it as well, you know.
Alan : Like what?
Tommy : What boys like... and some of them bloody love it.
Alan : I'm not talking about just French girls.
Tommy : [knowingly] Aye, I'm not either.
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[Abbo and Shaz are helping Alan learn his lines. They come to the line where Alan's character kisses Ann's character]
Alan : [quoting line from play] "I have seen the light of truth in what's happened and the light of love in your fiancée's eyes - love for me."
Abbo : Then you stride over to her, take her in your arms and... bleeeeugh!
[Abbo pretends to vomit]
Shaz : Puke and vomitudinosty!
Abbo : Spewosity upthrow!
Alan : [echoing Ann's comment to him earlier] That's stupid, that. Long drivel words that don't mean anything.
[Alan walks off in disgust]
Shaz : He's getting more like my Auntie Phyllis every day.
Abbo : It's the strain of learning his lines.
Shaz : Either that or he's been overdoing it.
[Abbo looks horrified]
Abbo : Overdoing it can't make you go like you Auntie Phyllis, can it?
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[in bed, praying as he wakes up from an erotic dream about Ann]
Alan : Please God. Let it be today. Somehow, let it come true today. I know Thursdays are difficult for you, what with the girls having double Domestic Science while we're in double PT. But it's just somehow... I don't think I can last out another day. And in return I promise, I hereby solemnly promise that I won't even *think* about... the other things. Well, *try* not to think about the other things. I didn't all day yesterday, or last night when I got into bed. And I'm not now, honest to God, God.
[he takes his hands out from under the bedclothes to prove that he's not been masturbating]
Alan : Look, no hands. Please God. Today or tomorrow - or early next week at the latest, weather permitting. Just *one* kiss. One'll do. Amen. And I'll never ask for anything again. Promise.
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[as he is walking to school, Alan flamboyantly bowls an imaginary cricket ball, and pulls a muscle. As he hops around in agony he sees two workmen watching him]
Alan : Aaaargh! It's cramp! Bloody hell-fire and scrotums.
Road Worker : Millions of pounds on education.
Road Worker : It'll be with him living under the shadow of the Bomb, I expect.