The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

Jon Lovitz: Radio

Quotes 

• The Radio : Things could be worse, you know.

  Lampy : How?

  The Radio : How what?

  Lampy : How could they be worse?

  The Radio : They couldn't; I lied.

• Lampy : Hey, come over here. I'm gonna...

  The Radio : Why, do you dare to cross foils with the greatest Saxon swordsman in the land? Haven't you the slightest idea who you're dealing with?

  Lampy : Precisely - a total idiot!

  The Radio : If you sabre wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through in an instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley!

  [the Radio continually whacks Lampy with his antenna, Blanky falls on them] 

  The Radio : A blow for Richard! A blow for Marion! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the guys on 5th street!

• Kirby : The battery's gone dead!

  The Radio : We're trapped here like rats! Small little rats with no hair and one leg!

• Lampy : Legs would help, you know.

  Kirby : Brains wouldn't hurt either.

  Lampy : Lay off.

  The Radio : Yeah, pipe down, carpet-breath.

• Air Conditioner : What is it with you guys, anyway? You act like you just came off the assembly line! Now get this through your chrome. We've been dumped! Abandoned!

  Blanky : But he loved us.

  The Radio : That's right.

  Air Conditioner : So what? He's a kid. He has a family. They move away, he moves away. It's a packaged deal.

  Toaster : But maybe they're...

  Air Conditioner : He's not coming back! Pure and simple!

  Kirby : Oh yeah? Did you talk to him recently or something? They could drive up any second!

  Blanky : You really think so?

  Kirby : I'm not talking to you!

• The Radio : Boy, are we glad to see you!

  Lampy : Yeah. I really thought I'd turned in my warranty that time.

  The Radio : Until baggy here showed up!

  Kirby : I just slipped and fell in. That's all.

  Lampy : [laughing]  Oh, yeah, sure, right.

  Blanky : You can't fool us. We love you.

  The Radio : That's right, like Mrs. Roosevelt loved her husband.

  Kirby : Yeah, yeah. Well, here's the shore. Everybody off.

  The Radio : Listen to this! This is President Roosevelt awarding the vaccum the medal of honor!

  [Radio places a leaf on Kirby's face, but Kirby blows it off, and everyone laughs] 

• Blanky : He's not home.

  Toaster : We'll have to wait.

  The Radio : No. Let's wait inside!

  Lampy : But it's locked.

  The Radio : Luckily, my war training included inter-appliance codes. I will simply render the secret appliance knock, and we'll be welcomed by the native machinery. Stand aside, my meager companion!

• The Radio : Why listen to this. I'm picking up something. I think its a news flash: President Roosevelt has declared today a national holiday in honor of those five amazing appliances we've all been hearing about. So lock up the office, take down the top and open that rumble seat. Last one to Coney Island is a party pooper. From the starlight roof high atop the Ritz, we wish our intrepid little friends the best of luck and a fond farewell.

  Kirby : Ah, you're all a bunch of junk.

  [They all laugh] 

• Lampy : Hey, I've got an idea! We can all get on top of the bed, and Kirby can push us!... No, no, no... Hey! What about the master's pogo stick?... No, no, no... Hey! Why don't we get the refrigerator on a skateboard, and Kirby can pull?... No, no, no... Hey!

  The Radio : Shut up! Shut up!

  Toaster , Kirby : SHUT UP!

  The Radio : Let somebody else try for a change!

  [makes everyone stand on top of Blanky] 

  The Radio : Arise, Hassan, arise, O magic carpet...

• The Radio : [bumps into a car]  Oh, uh, were you in line first here? Well, after you, of course! Pardon me!

• Toaster : Hang on tight, Blanky!

  Blanky : I am!

  The Radio : Don't let the tremendous height scare you.

• The Radio : I think Houdini did this once, and if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time.

  Lampy : Well, that's encouraging.

• The Radio : I've always loved travel anyway: the open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grill.

• Blanky : Do we have to stop here?

  Toaster : Only for a while.

  The Radio : Just long enough to lose our minds! We'll be cannibals within a few days, I've seen it happen!

  Kirby : And you'll be the first to go, dial-face.

• The Radio : [points at the sun]  Look, Lampy, from here you can see the really BIG lamp.

  Lampy : WOW! I wonder where his switch is?

• [the Radio is navigating the journey] 

  The Radio : North by northwest. Watch out for low-flying aircraft.

• [Toaster notices Kirby is reluctant to come] 

  Toaster : You know, we could use someone who's really... strong!

  Lampy : And loud!

  Blanky : And grumpy!

  The Radio : And oblivious to reality!

• Kirby : Oh, come off it! Be serious.

  Toaster : I *am* serious!

  Kirby : You're insane!

  The Radio : Why, if we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved.

  Toaster : What?

  The Radio : Or maybe it was a basset hound.

  Kirby : You're *all* insane!

• The Radio : [thinking Kirby is a whale]  Damn thee, accursed whale! By the depths of Hell I stabbeth thee!

  Kirby : Climb on, you idiot!

  The Radio : Oh, it's you.

  Kirby : Where's Toaster?

  Lampy : He sank!

• Toaster : You know, guys? We are going to need some kind of shelter.

  Kirby : Yeah. Shelter for the likes of them.

  The Radio : Come over here and say that, chrome dome.

  Kirby : What?

  The Radio : Oh sorry about that. I meant to say, "Vacuous vacuum".

• Blanky : [off-screen from a distance]  Help me! I'm stuck!

  Toaster : I hear him.

  Lampy : I don't see him anywhere.

  The Radio : Maybe he's calling from Blanket Heaven. He's a white, fluffly little angel with a knob-nose.

  Kirby : He's just stuck in a tree, that's all! Look!

• The Radio : Why if it isn't ol' Rabbit Ears!

  Black and White TV : Why if it isn't ol' loudmouth!

  Blanky : Hey, TV!

  Lampy : How ya doing?

  Black and White TV : Oh, I've got a few more seasons left.

  Toaster : The cabin hasn't been the same since they took you away.

  Kirby : Yeah, it wasn't as noisy.

  Black and White TV : [grinning]  Well I see you haven't changed.

• The Radio : Why, I don't believe I've ever seen quite so many smiles before.

  Kirby : I've never seen contraptions with so many buttons and knobs and dials before.

  Computer : Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

  Lampy : Wow.

  The Radio : Well, what does that mean?

  Lampy : I don't know. What's that mean?

• Blanky : There may be lions in there...

  The Radio : And tigers and bears. Oh my.

  Lampy : [sarcastically]  He's such a baby! Ma-maa!

  [Toaster shoos them both away and stands next to the frightened Blanky after a few seconds she affectionately rubs his head making him smile] 

• [first lines] 

  The Radio : Good morning, good morning, gooooood morning!

• Kirby : What do you mean what are we going to do today? The same thing we've done for the last 2000 days! Chores!

  Blanky : Chores?

  Toaster : It'll be fun.

  The Radio : Fun? I'm up for some fun. Listen to this, a broadcast from Wrigley Field. It's the bottom of the ninth...

  [Lampy shuts Radio off] 

  Lampy : I don't see how doing chores is supposed to be fun.

  Kirby : It's not supposed to be fun. It's work.

  Blanky : I don't like to work without the master.

  Toaster : Well, okay. If you guys don't want to work, why don't we play a game?

  The Radio : A game? What sort of a game?

  Lampy : What are the rules?

  Toaster : There's only one rule... no one stops until the house is clean.

  Kirby , Blanky , The Radio , Lampy : Boo!

• Lampy : Hey, everybody! Look! A clearing!

  Kirby : Great. Let's spread out the blanket and have a picnic.

  Blanky : But I'm full of stickers!

  Kirby : Well, my bag's full of thistles and sticks and who knows what else! Who's idea was it to come this way, anyway?

  The Radio : Why, it was the lamp's, I tell ya!

  Lampy : Oh, yeah? Who's supposed to be the big shot navigator around here, Mr. Loudmouth? Mr. Big Loudmouth?

  Kirby : Yeah!

  Toaster : Where are we, anyway?

  The Radio : Now, look here, fellas, just give me a second and I... Whoa, listen to this! It's the top of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and... PeeWee Reese is at the plate! There's the pitch, and he hits!

  [he hits a rock which bounces off everyone else] 

  The Radio : Oh, and it's a triple play!

• The Radio : Get ready, you devil dogs, because the master bebop blaster of all time is about to give you a soul injection!

• The Radio : [sinking in the mud]  Well, this concludes our broadcast day, or week... actually, this concludes all broadcasting of any sort. We'll try to leave you with a suitable tune

  [plays Al Jolson singing "Mammy"] 

• The Radio , Lampy , Blanky , Toaster , Kirby : [singing]  There goes the sun, here comes the night. Somebody turn on the light. Somebody tell me that fate has been kind.

  Chorus : [singing]  You can't go out! You are out of your mind!

• Toaster : Well, I'm going with or without you.

  Kirby : Well, I say we stay. We're gonna have a new master anyway once someone buys this cottage.

  Blanky : But I don't want a new master! I want our master!

  Toaster : Well? What about the rest of you?

  The Radio : You boys are gonna need a leader! Why, alone, you wouldn't last more than five minutes out there! I was once a mountaineer, see? And together, we can stand against the forces of nature!

  Lampy : Were you really a mountaineer?

  The Radio : Sure. Ask anybody. Ask Teddy Roosevelt. Why, we shoot moose together on the Klondike.

  Lampy : Wow. Well, you know, I was thinking, you guys are gonna need someone bright along too.

  Toaster : Good idea.

• Lampy : Just shorted right out.

  The Radio : Cracked up and snapped. He sold the farm. Poor chap.

  Lampy : How does he look?

  The Radio : A little better than you, actually.

• Kirby : Lay off! Just lay off!

  Toaster : What's the matter?

  Lampy : We were worried about you.

  The Radio : You had us real scared there, pal.

  Kirby : Well, there's nothing wrong with me, pal! Just back off!

  Blanky : Don't be angry.

  Kirby : Just keep your antenneas and knobs and wires and ribbons off my chrome! Who needs you guys, anyway? Gotta drag you around all the time, bunch of dead weight! I'd be better off without you!

  Blanky : But Kirby...

  Kirby : Especially you, you little rag!

  [pauses for a while, then turns to the waterfall] 

  Kirby : So, uh... how do we get across this thing, anyway?

• Lampy : [sliding backwards into a muddy pond without realizing it]  Wow, the poor guy didn't have a chance. Just -ssss- and that's it.

  The Radio : Don't look now, but you're about to "ssss", yourself!

  Lampy : What?

  [He only just realizes he's up to his head in mud] 

  Lampy : Whoa!

  [He submerges] 

• Lampy : [Blanky tries to sleep with him; rudely]  Go find your own place to sleep, you little fuzzball.

  Radio : [Blanky tries to sleep with Radio who made a circle where he's sleeping]  Blanket! Hey, hey! What, are you blind? It's a line! Hey, hey!

  Kirby : [Blanky looks at Kirby]  Good night!

  [goes to sleep] 

  Toaster : [Blanky notices Toaster and affectionately snuggles up next to him only to be rudely shoved aside]  Come on, I'm not the master. Go snuggle somewhere else. I'm trying to get some sleep. Go on.

  [Blanky, completely dejected, finds a quiet spot, sighs, and curls himself to sleep] 

• Blanky : [last lines as the appliances go with Rob and Chris to college]  We did good, didn't we?

  Toaster : Yup

  [she affectionately pats his head and snuggles on top him and relaxes] 

  Toaster : we did good.

  Lampy : [scratching his head]  You know I've been thinking and this college business seems like a good idea, I can absorb a lot of interesting facts.

  The Radio : Why listen to this, I'm picking up something, I think it's a news flash: President Roosevelt has declared today a national holiday in honor of those five amazing appliances we've all been hearing about, so lock up the office, take down the top and open that rumble seat last one to Coney Island is a party for one, from the Starlight roof high atop the Ritz, we wish our intrepid little friends the best of luck and a fond farewell

  Kirby : Yeah, your all a bunch of junk.

  [They all start laughing] 

• Black and White TV : Boy if he gonna be surprised when he gets back. He just left a little while ago to drive out to the cab...

  [Plugsy switches the station; an announcer speaks Spanish] 

  Lampy : Hey!

  The Radio : What's the idea?

  Plugsy : Oh, many pardons. Was you watchin' that channel?

• Lampy : Boy, he sure has grown!

  The Radio : Look at him! What a heartbreaker!

  Toaster : He graduated too!

  Kirby : Of course. He knows how to work hard.

  Blanky : He's all big now. I hope he still needs us.

  Black and White TV : [good-naturedly]  Still needs ya? That's the silliest thing I've ever heard!

• Toaster : [They approach the waterfall and Kirby freaks out and tries to swallow his cord]  Kirby, no!

  Lampy : Get the cord out of his mouth, don't let him swallow it!

  The Radio : Switch him off!

  [Toaster jumps on Kirby and flips his switch] 

• Lampy : Are you sure this is the right way?

  The Radio : I'm as sure as I am honest.

  Lampy : In that case, we're definitely lost.

• The Radio : [panicked to Toaster]  You gotta help me, you gotta hide me! Bread, I can get you bread, mountains of hot cross buns...

  Toaster : Radio, pull yourself together.

• The Radio : Sorry for that little interruption, folks. We'll return to our regularly-scheduled program momentarily.

• Lampy : Hey. Hey. What's that?

  Blanky : A car!

  Kirby : I don't want to hear another word about cars!

  Toaster : You said it.

  The Radio : It sounds pretty close.

  Kirby : Just don't even start!

  Lampy : Sounds real close!

• The Radio : This is my sleeping place, see? And nobody crosses this line!

  Lampy : Yeah, well, you'd better not wake us up at 6:00, as usual!

  Kirby : What are you complaining about? You didn't do any work today.

• [repeated line] 

  The Radio : Listen to this!

• The Radio : The lamp was awarded a Purple Heart for being wounded in the line of duty. Lamps across the nation were switched off for a moment of silence in respect for his bravery.

• Toaster : [notices that Blanky is staring off into space as if some sort of trance]  Hey, hey, shh, shy, quiet, it's the Blanket

  [they all stop what they're and doing and look at Blanky] 

  Blanky : [barely audible]  A car.

  Toaster : A car!

  Kirby , Lampy , Radio : A car!

• Lampy : Hey! We're not dead!

  Radio : Yeah? Where's some wood to knock on?

• The Radio : [the appliances are on a magnet at the junkyard being taken to the crusher]  At least we all go together, yeah that's looking at the bright side isn't it.

  Blanky : No, no, the Masters down there, look!

  Lampy : It's him!

  Kirby : What? Where?

  The Radio : Why look, it is him!

  Blanky : [happily smiling]  Maybe he still needs us!

  Lampy : Yeah!

• Lampy : Hey, come over here. I'm gonna... Radio: Why, do you dare to cross foils with the greatest Saxon swordsman in the land? Haven't you the slightest idea who you're dealing with? Lampy: Precisely -- a total idiot! Radio: If your sabre wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through in an instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley!

  [Radio continually whacks Lampy with his antenna, Blanky falls on them] 

  Lampy : Radio: A blow for Richard! A blow for Marian! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the guys on Fifth Street!

  The Radio : Why, do you dare to cross foils with the greatest Saxon swordsman in the land? Haven't you the slightest idea who you're dealing with?

  Lampy : Precisely -- a total idiot!

  The Radio : If your sabre wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through in an instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley!

  [Radio continually whacks Lampy with his antenna, Blanky falls on them] 

  The Radio : A blow for Richard! A blow for Marian! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the guys on Fifth Street!

• Lampy : [Lampy and Radio are playfully fooling around]  Come back here, I'll track you to the end of this carpet. Hey, come here you. I'm going to get you, wait'll I fix your speaker.

  The Radio : Rusetti picks it up and throws and oh a thunder. Cepeda tags, he heads for second.

  Lampy : Just wait till I get my plugs on you!

  [Blanky is shown watching them]