- Zed: Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart.
- Tackleberry: [Hands over gun to Mrs. Feldman] Now remember, that's a 44 Magnum and it's quite a...
- [Mrs. Feldman shoots target and the blast catapults her to the lodge]
- Tackleberry: ...kick.
- Mrs. Feldman: Damn, that was fun!
- Sgt. Moses Hightower: Yamma, yamma, yamma, yamma, yahhhhma. Fools! They think they can kill the brother of Medula!
- Cadet Tommy 'House' Conklin: I never thought that.
- Sgt. Moses Hightower: Oh, if I could reach into the belly of a yak and rip out its heart...
- Kyle: That would bring him back to life?
- Sgt. Moses Hightower: No, man. I'm hungry!
- Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry: You want to become one with the gun. Feel the gun, caress the gun until it's a living, breathing, vibrating extension of yourself.
- Mahoney: I look for the same in a woman.
- Zed: [singing along] It's getting to the point now when I'm with you, I no longer want to have something stuck in my eye... Your mother, my mother ain't never looked like Florence Henderson...
- Cmndt. Eric Lassard: What is the most frustrating thing about police work?
- Tackleberry: Not being able to carry hand grenades, sir.
- Lt. Debbie Callahan: Separate locker rooms, sir.
- Mahoney: Icky blue uniforms.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, this is an alley.
- Proctor: I know sir but these are the directions Mahoney gave me.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney?
- Proctor: Yes he says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Well it damn sure better have!
- [they go inside]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, I don't see a salad bar.
- Proctor: [sees the name of the restaurant, "The Blue Oyster"] Look sir. Maybe they serve seafood.
- [laughs]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Not funny you idiot!
- [Jones enters the cadets' room, making the sound of a creaking door]
- Sgt. Larvell Jones: [Transylvanian accent] Good evening, gentlemen. I congratulate you on another good day. Sleep vell...
- [evil laugh]
- Cadet Tommy 'House' Conklin: Hey, Count, getting worried we're gonna be taking over soon? We're ready!
- Sgt. Larvell Jones: You're improving, guys, but you're still way down on the food chain. As we vampires say, "lights out, suckers!"
- [leaves, making a wolf howl]
- [Capt. Harris sees Zed and Laura goofing off in front of the academy pool]
- Captain Harris: [on the bullhorn] What the hell is this, cadets in heat?
- Zed: No, we were, like, just talking.
- Captain Harris: Oh, well, "just, like, talk" somewhere else. This is not a spawning pool. I want discipline. Do I make myself clear, Zed?
- [back on the bullhorn; screams]
- Captain Harris: DISCIPLINE!
- Zed: Jerk!
- Captain Harris: [screams again] WHAT?
- Laura: [defends Zed] He said, "bye".
- [Harris, convinced that that's what Zed "thought" he said, proceeds away from them]
- Zed: [to Laura] No, I said-I said, "jerk". I think I was pretty clear. I said "jerk".
- Laura: [agrees] Jerk. Mm-hmm.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for Proctor?
- Proctor: No sir what?
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Collection Of Pissants.
- [Proctor laughs]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: That's not funny Proctor.
- Proctor: No sir.
- Zed: [teaching a class to the cadets] Cadets, I'd like now to discuss with you something that will be vital for you to know when you're, like, out there on the job as a police officer, and that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut. A doughnut...
- Proctor: [enters the classroom] Attention!
- [the cadets stand up at attention]
- Proctor: Captain Harris?
- [Capt. Harris enters wearing a medical device with his hands suspended in the air not long after Zed switched Harris' Right Guard deodorant spray with a can of Mace, which the latter burned Harris' armpits]
- Captain Harris: [to the cadets] From this moment on, anyone who misplaces their canister of Mace will reprimanded and fined. Is that clear?
- Cadets: [in unison] YES, SIR!
- [Harris and Proctor leaves]
- Zed: Bye.
- [after the Citizens On Patrol team accidentally foil a police sting operation, they're met with an angry Capt. Harris and sidekick Lt. Proctor, the former also delighted that his plan to make the program fail succeeded]
- Captain Harris: [furious; to Mahoney, the trainers, and the downtrodden civilian recruits] Three months' work out the window, down the drain. Your Citizens on Patrol just screwed up the single biggest police undercover sting operation
- [screaming]
- Captain Harris: in the HISTORY OF THIS CITY!
- Proctor: Tell 'em the good news, sir.
- Captain Harris: Thank you, Proctor.
- Proctor: You're welcome, sir.
- Captain Harris: As of now, the C.O.P. program is suspended, pending a full investigation.
- Copeland: [Arnie and Kyle are on the street holding their skateboards, when a police-car drives by them] Hey! Arnie, Kyle! Thought I told you guys, no skateboarding in my district!
- Kyle: This isn't skateboarding, Sergeant, this is *carrying* skateboards.
- [Copeland frowns, and the police-car drives away]
- Kyle: *THIS* is skateboarding!
- [the boys goes skateboarding through the city]