The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

Jack Nicholson: Daryl Van Horne

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Quotes 

• Daryl Van Horne : Men are such cocksuckers aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them, until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.

• Alexandra Medford : Who are you?

  Daryl Van Horne : Just your average, horny little devil.

• Daryl Van Horne : I like women. I admire them. But, if you want me to treat you like a dumb twit I will. What's the point? You have brains Alex, more than brains, and you don't even know it do you? Well most women do not.

  Alexandra Medford : Are you married?

  Daryl Van Horne : Good question! You see, brains! The answer is no, I don't believe in it. Good for the man, lousy for the woman. She dies, she suffocates. I've see it! And then the husband runs around complaining that he's fucking a dead person, and he's the one who killed her!

  [bursts into laughter] 

• Daryl Van Horne : I see men running around trying to put their dicks into everything, trying to make something happen... but it's WOMEN who are the source... the only power. Nature, birth, rebirth. Cliche? Cliche... sure... but true.

• Daryl Van Horne : You haven't seen any snowy egrets around here, have you?

  Alexandra Medford : No.

  Daryl Van Horne : Me either. Not that I'd know a snowy egret if I were pissing on one. You want some lunch?

  Alexandra Medford : I think it's a little late in the season.

  Daryl Van Horne : For lunch?

  Alexandra Medford : No, pissing on birds.

• Daryl Van Horne : Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?

• Daryl Van Horne : Well, if that's how you feel about it, then that's how you feel about it. Is that how you feel about it?

• Daryl Van Horne : I always like a little pussy after lunch.

• Daryl Van Horne : Have another cherry.

• [last lines] 

  Daryl Van Horne : [on video]  Take it easy. We don't want the whole household in here, do we, boys? That's it. Good boys, we're gonna do just fine. Now come on, come on to daddy and gimme a big kiss. Come on, good boys, come on. Come on, come to daddy, cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo.

  [sounds of babies overlapping] 

  Daryl Van Horne : That's it, come on, come on. come on.

  [laughs, pause] 

  Daryl Van Horne : Aw ladies, come on.

• Daryl Van Horne : I see men, sixty, seventy years old breaking their balls to stay fit! What for? When I die, I want to be sick, not healthy.

• Daryl Van Horne : You may think me crazy, but I know music. It's the one thing that makes me humble.

• Daryl Van Horne : Daryl Van Horne.

  Alexandra Medford : [shaking hands]  Alexandra Medford.

  Daryl Van Horne : The local sculptress. The one who makes the little booby dolls.

  Alexandra Medford : Well, you know, they're little, and...

  Daryl Van Horne : Little, yes, but... potent. Full of juice. Potent, you can feel it when you pick them up.

• Daryl Van Horne : Girls... What are you doing?

• Daryl Van Horne : [Daryl has been forced into a church after Alex, Sukie and Jane have combined their magic, trying to banish him]  Can I ask you something? You're all churchgoing folk. I really want to ask you something. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit! I really want to know.

  [takes a tissue from one of the congregation] 

  Daryl Van Horne : Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves... earthquakes... FLOODS?

  [kicks the floor] 

  Daryl Van Horne : You think women are like that?

  [their magic makes him vomit into a woman's lap] 

  Daryl Van Horne : What's the matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We all make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When God makes mistakes, they call it nature.

  [chuckles] 

  Daryl Van Horne : So, what do you think? Women.

  [starts yelling] 

  Daryl Van Horne : A mistake... or did He do it to us on purpose? Because I really want to know! Because if it's a mistake maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune systems.

  [starts laughing hysterically] 

  Daryl Van Horne : Get a little exercise. You know... 20 push-ups a day... and you NEVER have to be afflicted with women ever again!

  [Alex, Sukie and Jane jab a voodoo doll causing Daryl to collapse in agony, convulsing on the floor of the church]