A Fish Called Wanda (1988) Poster

(1988)

John Cleese: Archie

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Quotes 

  • [Otto dangles Archie out a window] 

    Archie : All right, all right, I apologise.

    Otto : You're really sorry.

    Archie : I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.

    Otto : You take it back.

    Archie : I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

    Otto : OK.

  • Otto : You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

    Archie : How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

    Otto : You are the vulgarian, you fuck.

  • Otto : You know your problem? You don't like winners.

    Archie : Winners?

    Otto : Yeah. Winners.

    Archie : Winners, like North Vietnam?

    Otto : Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!

    Archie : [going into a cowboy-like drawl]  I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.

  • Archie : Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?

    Wanda : No.

    Archie : He's no idea?

    Wanda : He doesn't have a clue.

    Archie : What?

    Wanda : He's so dumb...

    Archie : Really?

    Wanda : ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

  • Archie : You make me feel free.

    Wanda : Free?

    Archie : Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

    Wanda : Yeah.

  • Otto : [puts a bag over Archie's head]  Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!

    [kicks him in the stomach] 

    Otto : He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

    Archie : Otto! Otto! Otto!

    Otto : [comes back with a long-handled pan]  And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

    [knocks Archie out with a pan] 

    Otto : And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."

    [stops, lifts bag, sees it's Archie, screams] 

    Otto : Oh, my God... Oh... Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

    [pats Archie's face] 

    Otto : Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?*

    [kicks Archie in the stomach] 

    Otto : You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...!

    [screams and recoils] 

    Otto : I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.

    [runs] 

  • [Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen] 

    Archie : We need to talk.

    George : You tell those pigs to fuck off.

    Archie : Fuck off, pigs.

    [the two policemen don't move] 

    Archie : Did you hear what I said? Fuck off!

  • Wanda : Let's make love.

    Archie : Well, if you absolutely insist...

  • [Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto] 

    Archie : I used to box for Oxford.

    Otto : Oh, yeah?

    [Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him] 

    Otto : I used to kill for the CIA.

  • Wanda : You just wanted to get me into bed.

    Archie : I fell in love with you.

    Wanda : How come you dumped me then.

    Archie : I wasn't rich enough, remember.

    Wanda : Say something in Russian.

    Archie : No.

  • Wanda : Archie? Do you speak Italian?

    Archie : I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian?

  • Archie : I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder...

  • Wanda : What are you thinking, Archie?

    Archie : I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

    Wanda : How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

    [pause] 

    Archie : That's a...

    Wanda , Archie : ...good reason.

  • [Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto] 

    Archie : I used to box for Oxford.

    Otto : Oh, yeah? Well...

    [Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him] 

    Otto : ...I used to kill for the CIA.

  • Archie : [to Wanda]  How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so...

    Otto : [coming between them]  Don't call me stupid!

  • Archie : You're going to shoot me?

    Otto : [in a pompous, English accent]  Yep, 'fraid so, ol' chap! Sorry!

  • Archie : Be a good girl, now, or I'll break your neck, okay?

  • Archie : You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.

    Wanda : Get me my drink.

  • [Archie is caught naked by a family. He stands there, mouth agape. Then he catches the gaze of the little girl, who sees his privates. He quickly covers them with a portrait of Mrs. Johnson, which offends the family even more] 

    Mr. Johnson : What the hell are you doing?

    Archie Leach : I might ask you the same question!

    Mr. Johnson : Who are you?

    Archie Leach : What?

    Mr. Johnson : Get your clothes on!

    Archie Leach : Will you leave immediately, please?

    Mr. Johnson : What?

    Archie Leach : You're in the wrong flat. This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour, he's in Hong Kong and he lent me the key, now get out!

    Mr. Johnson : We leased it from the agents last weekend.

    [Embarrassed silence from Archie] 

    Archie Leach : Yes, well, obviously that, uh, changes things a bit. Um...

  • Archie : Are you totally deranged?

  • Wanda : Let's make love!

    Archie : Why not? Why not, indeed?

  • [Trying to get Ken to overcome his stutter to tell him where the diamonds are] 

    Archie : Sing! Sing!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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