- [Julie wants Spike to go undercover on a date for an exclusive interview]
- Julie: ...He'd be, well, seducing her.
- Spike: Yeah, but I'd only be doing it so I could nail her... I mean pin her down... Look, this could be a big story for us; All Julie's suggesting is, if I can get this woman relaxed by candlelight, maybe, just maybe, I could loosen her tongue.
- [Lynda slaps Spike]
- Colin: Maybe I should just mention my extra-specially-close friends get a preferential loan rate *and* badges. I do have vacancies in my peer group...
- Angelo: You look very cute in that outfit.
- Lynda: Thank you. That's the first time you've noticed I'm dressed.
- Lynda: Okay, it's like this. There's a tribe living down by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then, and who knows the reason, people ignore this advice, which is sad, because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of this story is this: You can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.
- Tiddler: How was Warner Edison?
- Colin: Dead.
- Kenny: What?
- Colin: He had a heart attack last Wednesday, two hours after he phoned me to come round. It was his funeral this afternoon, and they were having a sort of a gathering at his house. Do you know what I really wish?
- Tiddler: What?
- Colin: I wish that I hadn't pushed past the guy that opened the door, rushed into the house and shouted "Hi Warner, I'm a bunny-gram!". Do you have any idea what it's like to have every single rich and powerful person in town dressed in black and staring at you, while you're wearing a giant pink rabbit costume to a funeral? Excuse me, I'm just going into the toilet to whimper for a while.
- Lynda: I'm not being unreasonable, I'm keeping my cool. All I want is simply for this person to be removed from the studio and shot dead.
- Spike: Lynda, I still need help with this form.
- Lynda: Look you can read can't you?
- Spike: Until my finger gets sore.
- Lynda: And you can write.
- Spike: Right, I can do that backwards, but I'm getting help for that.
- Lynda: Spike this is getting boring. Is there anything you don't joke about?
- Spike: Sure.
- Lynda: What?
- Spike: Nothing.
- [pauses]
- Spike: I was joking. Fun isn't it?
- Lynda: I've had more fun with a pencil stuck in my eye.
- Spike: You think we're becoming friends here? I think I feel a spark.
- Lynda: Spike.
- Spike: So how long before we start going out with each other?
- Lynda: What?
- Spike: Because I want to know something straight.
- Lynda: About what?
- Spike: When I dump you - you want a letter, or should I just stop phoning?
- Colin: Ruby Grogan, Spike. Just stay away from her.
- Spike: Don't tell me, you've fallen in love again, and you haven't gotten around to telling the lady yet. Ethel Stuttgart two right?
- Colin: I'm warning you Spike, just stay away from her.
- Spike: I'm trying to! And what are you going to do if I don't?
- Colin: Spike, I don't want to get violent.
- Spike: [pushes Colin] Violent?
- Colin: Well, rude.
- Spike: [pushes Colin again] Rude?
- Colin: Well a bit off hand certainly.
- [Spike grabs Colin by his shirt]
- Colin: Well more kind of reserved, you know, distantly. A kind of polite.
- Spike: So if I don't stay away from Ruby, you're gonna get polite with me?
- Colin: Yeah!
- [Spike lets go]
- Colin: And that's just for starters!
- Lynda: You're sulking, Kenny.
- Kenny: Lynda, I am not sulking.
- Lynda: Is it because I rejected your computing article?
- Kenny: I didn't know you rejected it...?
- Lynda: You thought it got torn in half by accident?
- Kenny: Oh, breaking it to me gently were you? No, it's not because you rejected my compting article.
- Lynda: Is it what I said about your mother?
- Kenny: What did you say about my mother?
- Lynda: Oh nothing. C'mon Kenny, what is it?
- Kenny: Well if you have to know, it is something you said.
- Lynda: What?
- Kenny: Lynda I do not like "everybody."
- Lynda: Kenny that was just something I said in the heat of the moment. Don't take it to heart.
- Kenny: I'm sick of people thinking I'm just this reasonable, decent, likeable guy.
- Lynda: Oh nobody thinks that.
- Kenny: There are lots of people I don't like.
- Lynda: Yeah?
- Kenny: Well of course.
- Lynda: Name one.
- Kenny: What?
- Lynda: I'm curious. Name one person you really hate. Who's top of your personal hit list?
- Kenny: Well I wouldn't like to single out who I hate the most.
- Lynda: Why not?
- Kenny: Well it wouldn't be fair on them.
- Lynda: You really do like everyone, don't you?
- Kenny: Oh, I don't like Mr. Cavendish the maths teacher.
- Lynda: Well nobody likes him, he's a half-dead, senile, old psychopath!
- Kenny: Oh Lynda, he's not that bad.
- Lynda: Ruby Grogan?
- Ruby: Yes?
- Lynda: Sorry, but Spike won't be coming in today.
- Ruby: Oh?
- Lynda: He's a bit off color. Well, parts of him. It's his rash again.
- Ruby: His what?
- Lynda: It's horribly inflamed.
- Ruby: Inflamed?
- Lynda: Horribly, yes. Well you know how it is when his sores start up.
- Ruby: Well, should I go and see him?
- Lynda: What, actually look at him you mean? Oh no, I wouldn't advise that. Anyway, it's contagious.
- Ruby: It is?
- Lynda: Very. You haven't been touching anything of his have you?
- Ruby: Well I sat in his chair...
- Lynda: You'll be alright, I know you will.
- [Pushes Ruby out the door of the newsroom, then knocks on the bathroom door. Spike comes out]
- Spike: You told her I was busy?
- Lynda: Yes.
- Spike: Thanks.
- Lynda: Don't you think you've got something to say to me?
- Spike: Suddenly, she stood before him. Their eyes met. Especially hers. Y'know, you really ought to do something about that squint.
- Lynda: I don't have a squint!
- Spike: Oh no! Must be me!
- Kenny: Here we go!
- Tiddler: Yep
- Lynda: So what made you come in tonight? Don't tell me you were frightened of little old me?
- Spike: You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.
- Lynda: If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.
- Spike: Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.
- Lynda: I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!
- Spike: Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking!
- Lynda: That's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!
- Spike: Ha! You laugh? We'd have to use electrodes!
- Lynda: Yeah, on you!
- Kenny: Look, can we just stop this, please?
- Spike: Tell her, she's the one that needs relaxing!
- Lynda: I'm perfectly relaxed!
- Spike: You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground!
- [Lynda looks down]
- Spike: Made you look!
- Spike: I mean, what's life if you can't look yourself in the eye and say, "Hey! I used to have two of those!"
- Lynda Day: One thing I've always wondered about you Graham. When you wake up in the morning, how do you tell?
- Lynda Day: Can we please just stop this? Can we for once act like two normal people?
- Spike Thomson: Hey, I can act like two normal people if you can.
- Lynda Day: You just don't understand the concept of building a career do you Thomson?
- Spike Thomson: Hey, I made a career out of it.
- Spike Thomson: She thinks we're stupid. I mean she just assumes we're stupid. How does she know that we're stupid?
- Frazz Davis: Maybe somebody told her.