The Simpsons (1989– )
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Groundskeeper Willie, Sideshow Mel, Krusty the Clown, Mayor Quimby, Hans Moleman, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Santa's Little Helper, Grampa, Itchy, Krusty, Rich Texan, Krusty the Klown, Gil Gunderson, Squeaky Voiced Teen, Gil, Kodos, Louie, Abraham Simpson, Barney, Mr. Teeny, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Snowball II, Marty, Scott Christian, Arnie Pie, Bill, Blue Haired Lawyer, Arnie Pye, Reporter, Benjamin, Count Dracula, Abe Simpson, Additional Voices, Bill Clinton, Charlie, Frankie the Squealer, Homer's Brain, Burns' Lawyer, Butler, Hot Dog Vendor, Leprechaun, Mailman, Monkey, Quimby, Reporter #2, Sam, Willie, Worker, Abraham 'Grampa' Simpson, Announcer, Audience Member, Bill Cosby, Capt. Lance Murdock, Cop, Crowd Members, Doug, George Washington, Guard, John F. Kennedy, John Travolta, Man #2, Man in Audience, Man in Crowd, Moleman, Monkeys, Player, Poochie, Reporter #1, Smitty, Soldier, Squeaky-voiced teen, St. Peter, The Yes Guy, Waiter, Woody Allen, Abraham Lincoln, Al Bundy, Arthur Miller, Bailiff, Beer Vendor, Benjamin Franklin, Cameraman, Casting Director, Chicken, Clerk, Conductor, Cop #1, Curly, Cyclist, Director, Don Castellaneta, Droopy-Voiced Man, Estonian Dwarf, Farmer, Freddy Quimby, Frenchman, Goliath...
Photos
Quotes
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Homer : I hope I didn't brain my damage.
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Homer : Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
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Homer : [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
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Homer : Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
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Homer : [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
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Homer : Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
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Homer : Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
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Homer : Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
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Homer : Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
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Krusty the Clown : We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown : Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
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Homer : Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
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Homer : Take that, Lisa's beliefs!
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Homer : [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
Lisa : That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer : Thank you, honey.
Lisa : By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
Homer : Oh yeah, how does it work?
Lisa : It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer : Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
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Homer : [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
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Homer : [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
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Krusty the Clown : Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
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Homer : Lousy Smarch weather.
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Homer : [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy : [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer : Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady : Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer : What movie?
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Homer : Oh Lisa, your Mother used to suggest ways for me to improve myself all the time too. But then a little piece of her died, and she stopped being so annoying.
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Homer : Marge, can I go out and play?
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Homer : Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
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Homer : I see the light... it burns!
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Krusty the Clown : You, sir, are an idiot.
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Homer : [Johnny Newspaperseed Museum] If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
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Homer : I'm a simple man! I love America, and films where murder is legal one night of the year...
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Homer : [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
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Homer : Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
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Homer : What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.
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Homer : Sanctuary!
Reverend Lovejoy : Oh, why did I teach him that word?
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Homer : Which is society's fault because...
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Homer : [at a company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss. Look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer : Gelatine desserts.
Mr. Burns : [slaps his head] Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
[Homer]
Mr. Burns : went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[motions to a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns : Well, toss it in the pile over there.
[grudgingly]
Mr. Burns : And make yourselves at home.
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Dr Hibbert : We can't fix your heart, but thanks to modern technology we can tell you exactly how damaged it is!
Homer : What an age we live in!
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The Rich Texan : I want you to have my hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it aaaaaaalways brings me good luck!
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Professor Frink : [Homer is a Chiropracter] Will this help my Sciatica?
Homer : I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"
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Groundskeeper Willie : Get yer Haggis! Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Get it while it's hot! Ach!
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Mr Van Houten : [sighs] You know why all this happened, don't you? Because I took my marriage for granted. You know in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
Homer : Oh yeah, you got to do that.
Mr Van Houten : I could have at least stayed in shape for her.
Homer : Oh, and for yourself.
Mr Van Houten : I could have taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
Homer : It can't just be sex! It can't!
Mr Van Houten : God, I'm so self-centred! No wonder I didn't see it coming! That's how it is though - one day your wife is making you your favourite meal - the next day you're thawin' a hotdog in a gas station sink.
Homer : Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna' happen to me.
Mr Van Houten : Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
Homer : Cause' Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken - a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.
[cuts to Homer returning to an empty house]
Homer : Marge, I'm home. Where are you? Are you OK? I don't smell dinner.
[takes a note off the refrigerator door]
Homer : "Dear Homer"... aw. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I've left you hotdogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink".
[Homer sees them and screams]
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Lurleen Lumpkin : Oh Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know... wantin' somethin' in return.
Homer : Well, I was gonna' ask you for a glass of water but now I feel kinda' guilty about it.
Lurleen Lumpkin : [laughs] Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
Homer : Thanks! You did say sugar, right?
Lurleen Lumpkin : Uh huh.
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Horst : [the new German owners of the power plant have not yet decided whether to keep Homer on] You've been safety inspector for two years now. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
Homer : Uh... all of them.
Horst : [Horst and Hans glance at one another] I... see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
Homer : I sure do!
Hans : [after Homer fails to elaborate] Such as?
Homer : Well, er... well, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills.
[Hans and Horst exchange another look, this time Homer picks up on it and begins to squirm under their glare]
Homer : Because... a lot of workers really like candy.
Horst : We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
Homer : Mmmmm... the land of chocolate.
[Homer starts daydreaming about living in a world of chocolate until Hans' voice jolts him out of it]
Hans : Mr Simpson? Mr Simpson?
Homer : Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate.
Horst : [irritably] That was ten minutes ago.
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Prison Warden : Look at this painting of a Unicorn! What's it breathing? There's no air in space!
Homer : There's an Air 'n Space Museum!
[Thrown out]
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Homer : They're DOGS and they're playing POKER! AH HA HA HA HA HA!
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Cool New Teacher : This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie : [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher : Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
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Sideshow Mel : [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
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Therapist : You hate your father, don't you?
Homer : The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist : I'm sorry, I was just venting...
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Homer : Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society.
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[repeated line]
Krusty the Clown : Hey-hey, kids!
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Grampa : [his medication] The pink ones stop you from screaming!
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Groundskeeper Willie : My shack! I just got it the way I like it!
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[repeated line]
The Rich Texan : Yee-haw!
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Homer : [leaving Bart at fat camp] Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye!
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Homer : [forseeing the Rapture] In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane...
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Captain Tenniel : I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had.
Homer : And you're like the father I never visit.
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Homer : You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human.
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Krusty the Clown : I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there!
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Homer : In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
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Kent Brockman : And that's how a Hippo became a Deputy.
Homer : ...Stupid Hippo.
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Homer : Spider poison is people poison?
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Homer : Thank you for correcting me, Lisa, people are always glad to be corrected.
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Homer : [Rock Camp] I took some pills I found on the floor and now I'm afraid if I stop talking I'll die.
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Mayor Quimby : Remember, if anyone asks, you're my Niece from out of town!
Niece : I am your Niece, Uncle Joe!
Mayor Quimby : Oh, Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
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Bart : Snap out of it! You're Krusty the Clown! One of Look Magazine's Hundred Most Promising Clowns of 1958!
Krusty the Clown : A lot of suicides in that group. Funny suicides...
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Homer : It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything.
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Homer : TRAPOLINE! TRAMPOLINE! TRAMAMPOLINE!
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[repeated line]
Homer : Lousy _...
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[repeated line]
Mayor Quimby : Liser Simpson!
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The Rich Texan : [Giving away Santa's Little Helper's new friend] I want you to have my dawg. Once they fall in love they're no good.
Marge : But won't you miss her love and companionship?
The Rich Texan : Ah-ha-ha-ha! Lady, you're aaaaalright!
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The Rich Texan : [after shooting in the air] Sorry, I can't live without passion.
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Homer : [Homer is an ice-cream man] I've got to get back to my round! If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed!
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Homer : Now who's stupid!
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Homer : If that's your World, I don't want it!
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Homer : Anything's possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
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Homer : [Spanish Armada] Oh, Lord, please help us kill these foreigners who think your Mother should be revered...
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Homer : Ah, they got me with their Legal Mumbo-Jumbo.
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Homer : It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation...
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Grampa : I'll be glad when we've buried the last of you Hepburn types!
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Homer : Give me learning, Sir, and I will have none of your black bread!
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Homer : Alas, my gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety...
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Homer : In the boudoir the gourmand becomes the voluptuary!
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Groundskeeper Willie : Alright, I've taken all their salty snacks! Just like the English took all our sheep and our women in 1294! And then they gave them back! Which was worse!
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Grampa : What's wrong? Usually I have to wrestle the bucket away from you.
Homer : Dad I'm in love.
Grampa : Uh-oh. This girl, she good-looking? Belle of the ball?
Homer : Yeah.
Grampa : No, no! Don't over-reach! You've got to go for the low-hanging fruit, the dented car, the less attractive girl. I blame myself for not having this talk sooner.
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Dr. Nick Riviera : This is genuine human hair.
Homer : This is legal, right?
Dr. Nick Riviera : Yeah, sure, whatever.
[Holds up syringe]
Dr. Nick Riviera : This will make the operation go like a beautiful dream.
[knocks Homer unconscious and injects himself. Cuts open Homer's head with a Pizza Slicer]
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Homer : [Pinchy is nipped by a crab] Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?
Captain McCallister : Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
Marge : Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
Captain McCallister : Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.
Marge : No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Captain McCallister : Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?
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Dr Marvin Monroe : [after Grampa's money] I've invented this isolation tank, it's state of the Art!
Grampa : Interesting, how much do you need to build it?
Dr Marvin Monroe : It's already built, that's the beauty part! I just need $200,000 to buy a baby to raise in it. I have this theory he'll grow up maladjusted, harboring a deep resentment towards me!
Grampa : Sounds pretty stupid, but it's the best I've heard so far.
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Grampa : Those pearly gates look a lot like teeth!
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Mr. Glascock : This is a great day for me. I thought I'd never teach again.
Principal Skinner : Well, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
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Homer : I hate the modern World and all its crazy words.
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Homer : Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
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Homer : Just give me a ticket.
Lou : Maybe we don't feel like giving you a ticket. Maybe we feel like hauling your ass in.
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Homer : Part of being a parent is doing things that make your kid never want to talk to you again.
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Mayor Quimby : [St Patrick's Day] Oh no! Without the booze these guys all remember how much they hate each other!
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Homer : You might not be the smartest guys in the Army.
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Homer : [Kirk Van Houten's Midlife Crisis] Ha! He's afraid of dying!
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Ned Flanders : [Flanders pours Homer a beer from a tap in his rumpus room] Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
Homer : Well, beggy can't be choosy.
[Homer drinks some and let's out a loud belch]
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Homer : I have misplaced my pants.
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Homer : [wakes up next to waxwork John Lennon. Waxwork Yoko Ono is mysteriously broken in two]
Rod : Mr Simpson, why did you hurt the Dolly?
Homer : Because like 80% of Americans I'm whacked out on prescription Drugs.
Rod : But users are losers!
Homer : You're confusing Drugs with
[wiggles fingers, spooky voice]
Homer : DRU-U-U-UGS!
Rod : [screams and runs away]
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Homer : To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
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Homer : The Brain is so stupid.
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Krusty the Clown : I work like I drink, alone!
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Krusty the Clown : I'd rather be a happy Shnook than a noble Shlumpf.
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Selma Bouvier : No resenting us, ever!
Homer : That's some great flutenastics!
Selma Bouvier : Shut up! You can't praise her! She'll think she's smart and slack off! All our loving would be wasted!
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Homer : Enough with the Secrets and Lies! It's always Secrets and Lies!
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Homer : According to this test, you're both idiots!
Lenny : Thanks, what do we owe you?
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Homer : I must have a Guardian Angel.
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Homer : I love watching Canadian on Canadian Violence!
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Homer : Wait a minute! That's not something people really feel...
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Milhouse : [Mattress Fort] Mr Simpson, it smells funny in there!
Homer : No, it doesn't.
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Grampa : I was mainly in it for the spankings!
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Homer : [Drunk, to Social Worker] Look, the thing about my Family is that there's FIVE of us: Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk and The Fat Guy, HOW I LOATHE HIM!
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Homer : When you're 18 you're out the door!
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Homer : Did you see the Bubble?
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Homer : Don't fill up on vegetables, kids! Save some room for those nachos.
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Homer : They're in the Multi-Purpose Room! They could be doing anything in there! Anything!
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Sideshow Mel : I am tormented by visions of Millhouse!
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Sideshow Mel : [mute baby Stand Up Comedy] He's thinking what we're all saying!
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Chief Wiggum : Play ball! I got pictures of you, Quimby!
Mayor Quimby : You don't scare me, that could be anybody's ass!
