Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Alexander Armstrong: Self - Guest Presenter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Have you seen Russell Brands' Big Tap Hose?

  Katharine Ryan : Is that a Euphemism? I thought it was great to see the kitchen where a thousand girls have probably made themselves a lonely breakfast and then shown themselves out...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Literal translations can lead to misunderstandings: when the Yorkshire patients talk about their "privates" the Austrian Doctors think they mean their "Houses".

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Undisclosed Offshore Holdings Scandal]  What was the Scandinavian Prime Minister's name?

  Henning Wehn : Sven?

  Ian Hislop : I get a German on the show and he uses a racial stereotype!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round]  David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot?

  Paul Merton : Moustache!

  Godfrey Bloom : Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point!

  Ian Hislop : Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey?

  Godfrey Bloom : Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Is your Body Beach-Ready, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Hell, yes!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Russell Brand]  He kept leaning in, didn't he?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, and Miliband kept saying "And the answer to that IS Politics!" And at the end of it all Russell turned to camera and said "And what have we learned?" and we thought "Well, you've learned quite a lot!"

• Jacob Rees-Mogg : [Confronted with Bananas, gesticulating]  Ugh! Horrible, ugly, smelly fruit!

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : He sort of absolves them, doesn't he?

  [Papal gesture] 

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Occupy Protest]  They were asked how long they were going to keep it up, and what did they say in reply?

  Paul Merton : Forever! Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us!

• Ian Hislop : We had a Parrot when I was young.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was it called?

  Ian Hislop : We were a very imaginative family, it was called Polly.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Did you teach it all your catchphrases?

  Ian Hislop : And those would be what, Alexander?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Oh I don't know, Catch Looks, maybe.

  [imitates a Parrot imitating Ian by swiveling its head in continuous exasperation] 

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : After repeating everything Ian says the Parrot is now fighting 15 separate Libel Actions...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : And the filthy minded Art Historian says the portrait shows a gunpowder hip pouch clearly in the shape of male genitalia.

  Andy Hamilton : Let me see that because I think there's something wrong with me. What's that bit?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's a tassel.

  Paul Merton : Every Man has a tassel, Andy!

  Andy Hamilton : I knew it! I knew I was different...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Victoria Beckham has had the initials DB tattooed on her leg. Approached for comment she said "I suppose if we split up now, I'll have to marry David Blaine or Daniel Bedingfield." David Blunkett, once again, cruelly overlooked...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What have IKEA been doing with hundreds of children?

  Guest : Flatpacking them?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : In 2015 a seagull swooped down and stole David Cameron's Ham Sandwich. The Daily Telegraph reported that this led to a deep conversation on how to deal with this menace. Well, voting to leave the EU would seem to be the answer...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Emma Pidding? I wonder if she's one of the Yorkshire Piddings...

• Paul Merton : Is the woman standing in front of him saying "Will you please stop pumping air up my sleeve?"? She doesn't know what he's doing it with but she knows it's happening.

  Sara Pascoe : If she's just got a really, really, fatter lower arm you're going to feel awful!

  Paul Merton : Is her Dad Popeye? She got an Anchor on there? Is her Dad Popeye? It'll be on the Notes.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : It doesn't say.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What is Mark Clark doing, what's his Official Role?

  Ian Hislop : He organised these road trips.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's right.

  Ian Hislop : Of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory Party.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Exactly

  Ian Hislop : The thing about Young Tory Politics is it's so low level. It's literally young men going, "You will Never Work on the Back Desk of the Assistant Conservative Research Department ever again!" And they all go "WOOO! NO!"

  Paul Merton : Do they go very camp, too?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Mark Clark does this thing called IIP do you know what that is?

  Sara Pascoe : Intimidate, Interrogate, Party? You know, have fun at the end of the day?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : No, Isolate, Inebriate, Penetrate.

  Sara Pascoe : Oh God no! Isn't Theresa May supposed to be keeping these people out of the Country?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : The brilliantly named Lord Pannick. Just imagine him coming in in his robes, "WAAAAH!"

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Geminoid F singing Happy Birthday]  It's been dubbed the World's Sexiest Robot.

  Sara Pascoe : But who's dubbed it the World's Sexiest Robot?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : People!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Guess how many Cockroaches are in the Picture! This is a Blank Autocue!

  Paul Merton : For a minute there you had to survive on raw talent!

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Ah. Oh, perish the thought. The Final Scores...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Gary Kasparov was the subject of an unusual protest recently when he was attacked by a Flying Penis. Do you want to see this?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : If you hadn't made the Leather Pants joke, life would have been different.

  Paul Merton : That's not the first time you've had to say that!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Theresa May is keen on Brexit and is planning a Festival to Showcase the Talent that we have.

  Ian Hislop : What will this Festival be Celebrating?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : The talent that we have.

  Paul Merton : Our ability to organize a Festival!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Elon Musk, that's the name of the inventor.

  Paul Merton : Elon Musk?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Yes, I'm wearing him at the moment.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Cornelius Gurlitt has been hiding what?

  Paul Merton : Is it complete as it is?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Police dogs will receive what?

  Ian Hislop : Pensions!

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : I can't believe no-one said Truncheon Meat!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was the Press's reaction to the Fenton clip?

  Paul Merton : Humanity reaches...

  Ian Hislop : Nadir?

  Paul Merton : Lowest point, we are all doomed! That got a million views? I'm in the wrong business!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What other Animal News has there been?

  Paul Merton : Pigeon lands on roof for no reason!

  Ian Hislop : This is all that's going to be left of the Press after the Levenson Inquiry!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [DART hitting the Asteroid]  It's like a cup of tea's eye view of the biscuit.

  Paul Merton : A cup of tea's eye view?

  Guest : Do you work for NASA by any chance?