Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Jo Brand: Self - Guest Presenter, Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.

  Jo Brand : That's got nothing to do with the question.

  Paul Merton : She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!

• Jo Brand : This is the American Election as it struggles to an unedifying climax. I've had a few of those.

  Paul Merton : Oh, I'm sorry. Were any of them yours?

  Jo Brand : Ha!

• Jo Brand : ["Ambulance Today" Magazine in Missing Words Round]  Emergency Services Drivers humour is inappropriately dark, disturbing and graphic. That's from "Ambulance Today", which is what you optimistically shout down the phone if you want an ambulance.

• Jo Brand : [DJ fired for playing "The Sun has got his Hat on"]  The N-word apparently is acceptable if spelled colloquially with an "a" on the end instead of "er". So says a BBC WANKA!

• Jo Brand : Norway says the British sense of humour is the most stupid and pointless in the World. Yeah, that's right Norway! Thubbbpt!

• Jo Brand : What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of all this?

  Paul Merton : Every morning I wake up wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks! I have a Tea Towel embroidered! "What does Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he was cultivated in a greenhouse, think about all this?"

• Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".

  Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is.

  Ian Hislop : It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...

• Jo Brand : This is the bleating of bitter Remoaners who won't accept the democratic will of the British people. There, that's the balance taken care of, now let's lay into the bleeding idiots who got us into this mess.

• Jo Brand : You said that Nigel Farage should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Leader?

  Jacob Rees-Mogg : Oh, I think there would be Joy in Heaven if that were to happen!

  Paul Merton : What about here on Earth?

• Jo Brand : Emoji Cheeseburger Crisis at Google!

• Jo Brand : "It was like hearing that Snape killed Dumbledore before having read the book"

  Gyles Brandreth : Has that happened! My children and grandchildren are watching, you've ruined seven people's childhood!

  Jo Brand : Well, good.

• Jo Brand : Anyone got any jokes?

  Ian Hislop : I overheard this argument between two women. One of them yelled "WAG!" the other yelled "MILF!" and then someone said "It's all getting very acronymous!"

• Jo Brand : What did David Cameron say he was going to do when he met King Abdullah?

  Ian Hislop : That he was going to "Bring Up" a number of Human Rights Abuses.

  Jo Brand : I hope he did.

  Ian Hislop : Well, we'll never know, will we? Unless David Cameron is found without a head.

  Jo Brand : I'd still shag him.

  Paul Merton : Even without a head?

  Jo Brand : Preferably without a head.

  Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless corpse, is that it?

  Andy Hamilton : That is setting the Bar quite Low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : It's the sad reality of being a Fat Bird.

  Ian Hislop : I thought they were all shot by Prince Harry!

• Jo Brand : David Miliband was out Adopting.

  Andy Hamilton : I can't get used to these new, Metric Politicians...

• Jo Brand : Someone did have a go back at the Archbishop of Canterbury.

  Paul Merton : Was it Satan? Was it Satan in Human Guise?

  Jo Brand : It was Norman Tebbit.

• Paul Merton : Makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwiches are going!

  Jo Brand : Probably Sphincterways.

  Paul Merton : That's Chiswick, isn't it? Isn't that near Chiswick?

  Ian Hislop : Ring Road!

• Jo Brand : Shall we move away from the Anal? Tony Blair... Oh, no, we haven't!

• Jo Brand : Do you know what Facebook is, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Yes I do!

  Jo Brand : Facebook is the one that's not Twitter.

  Charlie Higson : Twitter is for the older and more discerning wastrel.

• Jo Brand : The Queen's Facebook is essentially a fanpage dedicated to the court circulars, "visits to open sports centers and attend conferences on sustainable farming." Oh, I think I've just come.

• Jo Brand : Sausages in the Scottish Parliament.

• Jo Brand : The female body thirsts for the words of a man.

• Jo Brand : Being called Ian means that you're one of the unhappiest people in this Country.

• Jo Brand : Shall we play a quick game of Fox or Cat?

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : That is literally the best game I've ever played.

• Jo Brand : Paul Nuttall has just resigned.

  [Thunderous applause] 

• Ian Hislop : You can tell it to your friend Kim Jong Il!

  Jo Brand : I will.

  Ian Hislop : He likes a cake, too!

• Jo Brand : I'm going to ask you lot, now, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?

  Ross Noble : Yeah, go on, Ian!

  Paul Merton : Tell them about the threesome with Lady Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter!

• Victoria Coren Mitchell : Oh my God, he's one of those people who likes Cat Calendars and Cat memorabilia, they should deport him!

  Jo Brand : Where does he live?

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : Catford.

  Jo Brand : Whey!

• Jo Brand : Do you know the name of the guy who jumped off the ferry?

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : It starts with M and it sounds a bit New Zealandy.

• Jo Brand : Anyone here ever thrown a dwarf?

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : What sort of answer do you expect for that?

• Jo Brand : [Livetext mistakes]  Hello and welcome to Nosenight. We will now have a moment of violence for the Queen Mother.

• Jo Brand : Berlusconi was referred to as Mr Beryl Beryl.

  Paul Merton : Spontaneous poetry is what it is.

  Jo Brand : And the Archbishop of Canterbury was the Arch Bitch of Canterbury.

• Victoria Coren Mitchell : Is it that one of them can stand up while the others can't?

  Jo Brand : No, no, no, no, no! It's slightly more complex than that.

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : I hope so.

• Jo Brand : What has been criticised for looking like C3P0?

  Paul Merton : C3P0's Twin Brother?

• Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless Corpse, is that what you're saying?

  Jo Brand : Yes, it is!

  Andy Hamilton : That's setting the bar quite low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : Setting the bar quite low is the tragedy of fat birds!

  Ian Hislop : I thought they got shot by Prince Harry!

• Jo Brand : There are no Guiness Records about blinking, because it's too hard to count.

  Ian Hislop : Have they tried Theresa May?

  [eerie glassy stare] 

• Jo Brand : [Jeremy Hunt rings a bell and it breaks]  He's always been a bellend!