Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Angus Deayton: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?

  [no one laughs] 

  Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.

  Piers Morgan : I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

  Ian Hislop : People like him.

• Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"]  Jam.

  [audience laughs] 

  Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?

  Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.

  Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

  Clive Anderson : [to Piers Morgan]  Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

  Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

  Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!

• Angus Deayton : And did you chat with the Queen Mother?

  Paul Merton : We talked about you.

  Angus Deayton : No, you didn't.

  Paul Merton : Yes, we did.

  Angus Deayton : What did she say about me?

  Paul Merton : I've never heard such language in all my life.

• Angus Deayton : Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.

• Angus Deayton : Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.

• Angus Deayton : What was right up Napoleon's street?

  Paul Merton : Napoleon's house!

• Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round]  I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.

  Paul Merton : Swallow?

• Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

  Angus Deayton : We did everything we could, Ian, but...

• Angus Deayton : Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags".

  Paul Merton : That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!

• Angus Deayton : In his diary, Alan Clark complained that she had been brought down by "a bolus of wankers". Nice to know what the collective noun is.

• [on a question about Pokémon] 

  Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.

  [flippantly] 

  Ian Hislop : I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.

  Angus Deayton : You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?

  Ian Hislop : I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.

  Paul Merton : You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?

• Angus Deayton : Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.

• [discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show] 

  Angus Deayton : It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself.

  Paul Merton : Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.

• Angus Deayton : Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies - which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die.

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

  [Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"] 

  Paula Yates : [to the audience]  All right! So much for sisterhood!

  Ian Hislop : So much for sisterhood?

  Paula Yates : That was a woman that just said yes!

  Ian Hislop : Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?

  [a big "Oooooh!" from the audience] 

• Angus Deayton : What's black and white and red all over? A nun chewing razor blades!

• Boris Johnson : I've devolved some of my functions.

  Angus Deayton : I'm sorry to hear that.

• Paul Merton : This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes

  [pronounced "Geeves"] 

  Paul Merton : I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors.

  David Steel : "Gieves"

  [pron. "Jeeves"] 

  David Steel : , I think you'll find.

  Paul Merton : "Gieves"? Is it Gieves?

  David Steel : Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it?

  Paul Merton : Does it? How's it spelled?

  Angus Deayton : G-E-I.

  [sic] 

  Paul Merton : Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters.

  Angus Deayton : So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been...

  Paul Merton : So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S?

  Angus Deayton : Yeah.

  Paul Merton : Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...

• Angus Deayton : Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr. Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian.

• Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?

  Paul Merton : Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.

  Angus Deayton : Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.

  Paul Merton : What does that mean?

  Ian Hislop : It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.

• Angus : [mishears something Paul says]  Half an hour on a giraffe?

  Paul Merton : No, not right now I've got to do this.

  [pause] 

  Paul Merton : I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes

  Angus : You don't need to tell me.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"

• Angus Deayton : [missing headline round]  What turns blue in fridge?

  Paul Merton : Queen Mother!

• Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick]  Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

  [clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays] 

  Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?

  Angus Deayton : Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.

  [the clip plays again, everyone laughs again] 

  Paul Merton : Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?

  Ian Hislop : It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!

• Tub of Lard : [Silent] 

  Angus : And so the answer to your Odd One Out round...

  Paul Merton : Hold on! He's only just seen it.

• David Shayler : [Muhammed Al Fayed's picture is in the odd one out round]  Now, I have to be careful what I say about him, because he pays my salary!

  [his transmission is interrupted by images of a monkey staring at a topless woman] 

  Ian Hislop : What was that?

  Angus Deayton : Ah, it's MI5 messing around...

• Jane Moore : [Tony Blair admits to wearing glasses]  It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed.

  Ian Hislop : Was he at the wrong end?

  Jane Moore : Who can say?

  Paul Merton : There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.

  Angus Deayton : Such as?

  Paul Merton : Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a search party for it, but they'd never come back!

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round]  "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".

  Ian Hislop : Thatcher!

• Angus Deayton : [about the Chinese President's visit to the UK]  How did the Queen prepare for the arrival of the President?

  Martin Clunes : She sellotaped the old man's mouth shut.

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Ian Hislop : Is this what you were like at school? I can imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn't get any O levels.

  Paul Merton : CSE. CSE, ungraded.

  Angus Deayton : Excellent work. Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old.

• Angus Deayton : Meanwhile a man causes a National Outcry by standing next to Jeffery Archer with a Cricket Bat and failing to use it. On Ian's team is an OBE recipient who says "I am a horsefly biting the arses of those in power", which somewhat surprised the Queen at the time.

• Ian Hislop : So they all play Chess but she plays Badminton for Shropshire.

  Angus Deayton : Which is one of the least interesting pieces of information we've had on this programme.

• Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how can I say this, that a woman's physical attributes influences Melon selection.

  Angus Deayton : I'd hate to say you're right, but...

  Ian Hislop : What happens with cucumbers?

  Paul Merton : Can't get mine in the basket!

  Ian Hislop : Cut them in half don't they?

  Angus Deayton : That's kosher.

• Angus Deayton : [series 19]  Welcome to my last show...

• Angus Deayton : It was a Government Agent disguised as a Gorilla.

• Angus Deayton : What's green and hairy and goes up and down? A gooseberry in a lift! What's pink and hairy and hangs out your pyjamas? Your Mother!

• Ian Hislop : I heard that a number of Bishops had ordered us to pray for David Beckham's Foot. Is that true?

  Angus Deayton : No.

  Ian Hislop : And then I heard that Tony Blair had postponed a Cabinet Meeting to make an announcement, and I thought that probably was true.

  Angus Deayton : Yes, he said "Nothing is more important to England than David Beckham's Foot"

  Ian Hislop : I wish I believed that was a joke.

• Evan Davies : Who goes out and just buys bacon on its own?

  Angus Deayton : [gesture]  What, individual rashers?

  Evan Davies : He just had a packet of bacon! Don't you normally buy something with your bacon?

  Paul Merton : Exactly. What sort of Maniac is he? Bacon? If I was working at a Supermarket I'd say "Get out of here! You're a Psychotic! Get out!" I wouldn't serve him!

  Angus Deayton : Yeah.

  Paul Merton : Get a bag of crisps or something, not just bacon! It turns my stomach when people do that. Really annoying. There's a bloke down my way he just goes in and buys bacon and I say "I know all about you, mate! You Solitary Bacon Buyer!" we shout out. Somebody like that shouldn't be in Government.

• Paul Merton : What's this song by Chris de Burgh about, "Spanish Train"?

  Angus Deayton : It's about a journey on a train through Spain.

  Paul Merton : And did he rhyme the words Spain and Train?

  Angus Deayton : No, he missed that particular trick.

• Angus : Have you been busy in the run up to the Election?

  Peter Hitchens : Yes, roughing people up!

• Ian Hislop : Mallory had a habit of walking around the lower slopes naked. To relax. Nothing wrong with that, he was a product of his time, an ordinary public schoolboy!

  Angus Deayton : His companion seems to be naked from the waist down.

  Ian Hislop : That's alright, he went to Cambridge!

• Angus Deayton : The scores, like a Cornish brother and sister, are frighteningly close, being as they are four all!

• Angus Deayton : You're Crackers!

• Angus Deayton : Drama over Farmer's what?

  Peter Hitchens : Llamas!

  Ian Hislop : Drama over Farmer's Wife's assault on Three Blind Mice! She went after them with a carving knife!

• Clarissa Dixon Wright : I had a Llama named after me once!

  Angus Deayton : Really, what was it called?

  Clarissa Dixon Wright : Clarissa!

  Paul Merton : What do you mean, what was it called?

• Angus Deayton : Kangaroos put on what?

  Ian Hislop : Put on trial in Kangaroo Courts?

• Angus Deayton : The scores are tied, so in the time-honored tradition of quiz shows, we're going to play Stone Paper Scissors.

• Angus Deayton : Now, the glasses. Faltering eyesight or Fashion Statement?

  Ian Hislop : In those days it was sunny.

  Greg Proops : Was this before the Earth cooled and when dinosaurs roamed?

• Angus Deayton : Do but themselves confound, his strength the more is?

• Paul Merton : What is the difference between aghast and agog?

  Angus Deayton : The spelling is different.

  Paul Merton : The spelling is different.

  Angus Deayton : But apart from that, they're exactly the same.

• Angus Deayton : Why are wrong numbers never engaged?

• Angus Deayton : Back me up on this, Elvis?

• Angus Deayton : Why is it misspelt?

  Paul Merton : Because some of the letters are wrong.

• Angus Deayton : You don't watch TV, do you?

  Guest : Not the Lottery, no. Old films.

  Paul Merton : Who's your favorite actor?

  Guest : Conrad Veidt.

  Paul Merton : Conrad Veidt?

  Angus Deayton : [mouths "Who?"] 

• Ian Hislop : "Gold Blend" is kind of unpleasant sexual deviancy.

  Angus Deayton : He's going to have a Hell of a night tonight, isn't he!

• Angus Deayton : Scientists have developed a what to see if your cat is what?

  Ian Hislop : A test to see if your cat is Schrodinger's?

• Angus Deayton : If you're watching the Sunday repeat, lets hope no-one here died horribly on Saturday Night, especially not me...

• Angus Deayton : The Police do a very difficult job, which must be why they make such a complete balls-up of it all the time. In the West Midlands, of course, not around where I live.

• Angus Deayton : David Icke refused to pay Poll Tax on the grounds of living on the Planet Andromeda.

• Guest : They had a tangential relationship, whatever that means!

  Angus Deayton : It takes two to tangent!

• Angus Deayton : So good luck to our winners, and good riddance to our losers, but before they rush off to take their lives...

• Angus Deayton : Those of you switching over from Friends, where a group of young people share their wit with good humour, welcome to the Antidote.

• Rhona Cameron : [Thatcher]  Who's the Lady in the Blue Top?

  Ian Hislop : Beats me.

  Angus Deayton : Does she?

• Angus Deayton : Welcome to Have I Got News for You, or as it comes out in Anagram Form from Mr Hopkins of Luton: "You Heaving Woofters!"

• Angus Deayton : So, let's waste no more time and watch some Television!

• Angus Deayton : Welcome to the Show! Anyone is that wants it...

• Angus Deayton : Denmark can now add to its list of accomplishments, buggering up the European Community.

• Angus Deayton : Welcome to the show, I am Jemima Puddleduck.

• Guest : He pulled this Sting on Gorilla Poachers by dressing himself up as a Gorilla, selling himself to them and then jumping out of his suit to arrest them!

  Angus : You may think they're on drugs, but that's right!

  Paul Merton : No he's right, but we are on drugs! It's the only way I can put up with you, you great Ponce!

• Angus Deayton : The Spy was found with ropes around his neck, dressed in oilskins and a gasmask. That's strange, no Orange...

• Angus Deayton : Paul Merton says The Scottish are more intelligent and use bigger words, which is just an example of periphrastic ostentitation.

• Angus Deayton : The citizens of the Southern Town were outraged that this nine-year-old had kissed a classmate that wasn't even his cousin.

• Angus : So what's with this big blue pyramid, then?

  Paul Merton : Oh, she's got this big blue pyramid that clearly has psychic properties and makes you very relaxed.

• Paul Merton : Old Paddy McGinty, Irishman of note, came into a Fortune and he bought himself a Goat. That was Paddy McGinty's Goat, did you know that one?

  Angus : [sheepishly]  No.

• Angus Deayton : If any Internet Users are considering accessing the Have I got News for You Website, you should get out more.

• Paul Merton : Why were they open-mouthed? Was someone chucking sweets?

  Ian Hislop : They were asleep, it's the House of Lords!

  Angus Deayton : They were aghast.

  Paul Merton : Oh, they were aghast.

  Angus Deayton : Surprised, yes.

  Paul Merton : Were they agog?

  Angus Deayton : Slightly agog.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between aghast and agog?

  Angus Deayton : The spelling is different!

  Paul Merton : The spelling is different, yeah.

  Angus Deayton : But apart from that they're exactly the same.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between being ironic and being sardonic? I don't know that one, either.

  Angus Deayton : They're spelt differently as well.

  Paul Merton : Because you can have irony but you don't have sardony, do you?

  Angus Deayton : No, it is curious, it's always bothered me, that!

  Maureen Lipman : Why do they say Cheap at Half the Price? If something's Cheap at Half the Price, it should be Cheap at Twice the Price!

  Paul Merton : And I see these Supermarket Signs that say "Automatic Door, Push Button!"

  Maureen Lipman : And why is mishap not spelt miss-hap?

  Paul Merton : And why doesn't doing sound like doing?

  Angus Deayton : And why are wrong numbers never engaged?

• Angus Deayton : Aida!

  Paul Merton : I beg your pardon? What you do in your private life is no concern of mine! Long as she's happy...

• Ian Hislop : This was the Conservative Party Conference, and they unvealed their new strategy for winning the Election.

  Angus Deayton : They unvealed it?

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, you can't export beef, you have to unveal it!

• Angus Deayton : Sir Isaac Newton never went to School, leading to illiteracy and the discovery of the Theory of Gravy.

• Ian Hislop : Desmond Tutu...

  Angus Deayton : Tutu Train?

• Angus Deayton : Gorilla juice?

  Eddie Izzard : I'm just guessing!

• Angus Deayton : Pope chooses new Archbishop!

  Eddie Izzard : Boring!

  Angus Deayton : Sorry to be boring you with the weekly news.

  Eddie Izzard : Well, you are! You are!

• Angus Deayton : Frog hunters told what?

  Eddie Izzard : Piss off! By frogs.

• Angus Deayton : We're coming in in Nicam Stereo, so we might play Dark Side of the Moon later.

• Angus Deayton : And now to explain Round One, for anyone tuning in from Mars...

• Angus Deayton : Last year it was Brown Suits, this year it's Hairy Ears...

• Angus Deayton : Aural! With an AU! Where was I?

  Jonathan Ross : In the middle of four lovely men!

• Angus Deayton : Salman Rushdie wrote the Aero Slogans Delectabubble and Incredibubble and now, of course, he's in big Troubabubble!