Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Ian Hislop: Self - Team Captain

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?

  [no one laughs] 

  Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.

  Piers Morgan : I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.

  Ian Hislop : People like him.

• Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"]  Jam.

  [audience laughs] 

  Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?

  Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.

  Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in Germany.

  Clive Anderson : [to Piers Morgan]  Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?

  Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?

  Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!

• Gary Lineker : Thousands of football fans are on the streets of Leicester today. Why is that, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : They're very happy.

  Gary Lineker : Why are they happy, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : They've won.

  Gary Lineker : What have they won, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : They've won... the thing.

• Des Lynam : Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?

  Ian Hislop : Customers?

  Des Lynam : Yes!

  Ian Hislop : What does that make criminals - clients?

• Charlotte Church : The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.

  Ian Hislop : And you said "Terrible"?

• Katharine Ryan : [Missing words round]  What can cause long stretches of disappointment and depression interspersed by moments of joy?

  Ian Hislop : Is it "Being Alive"?

  Katharine Ryan : Aw! Ian!

• Julia Hartley-Brewer : I mean, no offense here, Frankie, but...

  Ian Hislop : Is that the first time anyone's ever said "No offense" to Frankie Boyle?

  Frankie Boyle : None taken!

• Ian Hislop : [Trump]  This could be the next President.

  David Tennant : I sense that's hard to get out?

  Ian Hislop : I nearly said "And he'll meet with Prime Minister Johnson"

  [goes crosseyed] 

  Ian Hislop : "to discuss being mad..."

• Tom Baker : I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.

  Ian Hislop : She was a witch, was she?

  Tom Baker : She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!

• Ian Hislop : I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!

• Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.

  Angus Deayton : We did everything we could, Ian, but...

• Katharine Ryan : I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.

  Ian Hislop : You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong.

  Katharine Ryan : It's bad for the ducks too! It's Quack Cocaine!

• Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.

  Jo Brand : That's got nothing to do with the question.

  Paul Merton : She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!

• Michael Aspel : The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"

  Paul Merton : What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form.

  Reginald D. Hunter : When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!

• Ian Hislop : [SAT Tests]  All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would pass them so it's all cancelled.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they?

  [groans from the audience] 

  Paul Merton : You'll be using it tomorrow!

• Sanjeev Baskar : What was the name of the man who ran the first Marathon?

  Ian Hislop : Phidippides!

  Rebecca Front : An actor's life for me!

• Margaret Thatcher : [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys']  Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"

  Ian Hislop : Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!

• Reginald D. Hunter : Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform...

  Ian Hislop : Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"?

  Paul Merton : No, they're "Michael" and "Reginald". Let's not get too informal!

  Ian Hislop : It's context, Paul, we're friends!

• Ian Hislop : They've tried to get young people involved by calling the Referendum "Votey McVoteface"?

• David Tennant : What's wrong with the statue of Mo Salah?

  Paul Merton : The head's too big! Or out of proportion.

  Ian Hislop : Wait till they see the Sphinx!

  Paul Merton : It's good to hear a Sphinx joke...

• [on a question about Pokémon] 

  Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.

  [flippantly] 

  Ian Hislop : I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.

  Angus Deayton : You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?

  Ian Hislop : I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.

  Paul Merton : You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?

• [the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election] 

  Ian Hislop : Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.

• Ian Hislop : [asked to sum up the Million Man March]  Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews.

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Paula Yates : [narrowing her eyes at Ian]  Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.

  [audience laughs. She tries to carry on talking but Ian is too busy sneering at the malapropism she's just made] 

  Ian Hislop : Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Ian Hislop : I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW".

  Paul Merton : A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?

  Ian Hislop : Milk.

  Paul Merton : Where'd you get the milk?

  Ian Hislop : A Coconut.

  Paul Merton : How'd you get in the Coconut?

  Ian Hislop : With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia!

• Ian Hislop : [she's misheard something he said about the parachuted beavers story]  Ah, you were on a "beaver" theme.

  Katharine Ryan : I thought you were saying that sex was "invading the creek", and I loved that!

  Ian Hislop : Well, we could do a retake.

• Ian Hislop : I was watching Big Brother the other night...

  Charlotte Church : Oh, I did a project on that, for school!

  Ian Hislop : ...I think I'm going to kill myself.

• Ian Hislop : ...Allegedly!

• Gary Lineker : [Refereeing Magazine, Missing Words round]  "At the start of your career, you should ask other referees about what, what, and what?"

  Ian Hislop : Offside, onside and suicide?

• Rob Brydon : How did Tony Blair slip up this week giving a speech about the NHS?

  Ian Hislop : Was it the old joke about the politician who stands up and says "The NHS's safe is in my hands. No, sorry, I mean the NHS is safe in my hands!"?

• Ian Hislop : [Stephen Hawking wants to be a Bond Villain]  Stephen Hawking operates his Voice Synthesiser by moving one muscle in his face, so he's already doing better than Roger Moore...

• Kirsty Wark : [Nigel Farage's Claridges Gaffe]  I think it's interesting that he's against breastfeeding when we have Page 3 in the Sun, which presumably he's for?

  Ian Hislop : As a personal freedom issue, yes.

  Kirsty Wark : As opposed to breastfeeding in Hotel Lobbies?

  Ian Hislop : Which is down to taste!

  [laughter, applause] 

  Reginald D. Hunter : Did he say that? That he was against Page 3?

  Ian Hislop : We haven't asked him.

  Reginald D. Hunter : I'm not rooting for the guy. It's just he fucks up so often you don't need to be making stuff up!

• Frank Skinner : What is the fastest growing language in the UK?

  Ian Hislop : Emoji!

  Frank Skinner : It is Emoji.

  Ian Hislop : In which I happen to be fluent.

  Guest : Oh! Laughing face laughing face crying face poo?

• Michael Aspel : What did Howard Carter do when he first found the tomb?

  Sara Cox : Didn't he like wrench it open really roughly?

  Reginald D. Hunter : Didn't he die horribly, years later? The Curse of King Kong?

  Ian Hislop : You've done the same History Course as Sara!

  Reginald D. Hunter : I come out of that fine American Education System...

• Michael Aspel : This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes, who has received a vote of no confidence from the London Assembly. What was his ballsy response?

  Paul Merton : If you've got the authority and confidence to sack me, do it, otherwise I'm going home.

  Michael Aspel : He said it was just a one-off.

  Ian Hislop : It wasn't for Menezes! Someone said in a bygone age Sir Blair would have been given a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and then would be escorted to his office to quietly do the honorable thing. Knowing him, he'd drink the whiskey and come out with the revolver!

• Ian Hislop : And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!

  [Hums "The Imperial March" from Star Wars] 

  Paul Merton : You're having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture...

• Ian Hislop : [Stop the War Protest]  Have you seen this? I mean, this isn't the Seventies!

  Henning Wehn : That's the thing about the Cold War, at least you could get your head around it!

  Ian Hislop : It was the Russians... and then everybody else.

  Henning Wehn : Yes, that's the way I liked it!

• Ian Hislop : Why should anyone listen to Gove anymore?

  David Mitchell : There's something magnetic about his loathsomeness. He's like the Bond Villain who's about to get dissolved in acid.

• Victoria Coren Mitchell : Did you see Simon Cowell smoking around his pregnant girlfriend? In his car, fagging away...

  Ian Hislop : Really? Well I thought he was Eeeevil before...

• Ian Hislop : Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square!

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : How dare you!

  Paul Merton : The Pigeons are flying High above Krakow, tonight! See, the fat lady has ordered dinner, but wants no dessert to follow!

• Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?

  [Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"] 

  Paula Yates : [to the audience]  All right! So much for sisterhood!

  Ian Hislop : So much for sisterhood?

  Paula Yates : That was a woman that just said yes!

  Ian Hislop : Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?

  [a big "Oooooh!" from the audience] 

• Guest : If Boris were a Porn Person they wouldn't let him get away with saying this stuff. But because he's all Posh and Educated...

  Ian Hislop : Are we going to have some kind of problem, here...?

• Sara Pascoe : What is the Tatler?

  Ian Hislop : It's a Magazine for Knobs.

• Ian Hislop : [Jeremy Hunt]  The World's most famous misprint!

• Massive Essex Girl : It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a massive fan of the Dictionary, you know, we should be like promoting the Dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical British thing, isn't it?

  Ian Hislop : [has hysterics] 

  Paul Merton : Every story ever written's in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.

• Paul Merton : I can see you as Zorro!

  Ian Hislop : Zorro, the gay blade!

  Des Lynam : I've never been accused of that - yet!

• Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?

  Paul Merton : Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.

  Angus Deayton : Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.

  Paul Merton : What does that mean?

  Ian Hislop : It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.

• Ian Hislop : I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham!

• [caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background] 

  Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

  Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

  Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?

  [this draws the biggest laugh from the audience] 

  Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.

  Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.

• Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick]  Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

  [clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays] 

  Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?

  Angus Deayton : Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.

  [the clip plays again, everyone laughs again] 

  Paul Merton : Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?

  Ian Hislop : It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!

• Ian Hislop : It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea that the NHS wasn't 7 days is a bit of a scandal, anyway. One of the reasons it's not is because GPs were given this amazing contract where they don't have to work after hours any more. And all that was outsourced to people who said they'd do it cheaper, and like most outsourcing you do it cheaper because you don't do it very well!

  [applause] 

• Brian Sewell : [Ian has used the word "less" improperly]  Fewer!

  Ian Hislop : May I say what an honour it is to be corrected by you?

• Ian Hislop : [Robert]  Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer and he's dead so he can't sue.

• Ian Hislop : [Google Books' digital errors]  What happens in Scotland, on Bums Night?

  Guest : They all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne!

• Janet Street-Porter : ["The Queen is dead" Tweet]  There was that rather over-excited nurse, too, wasn't there? At least she was in Hospital that time.

  Ian Hislop : Yes, it's rare but not unheard of in this country that after going into Hospital you come out again.

• Ian Hislop : Stephen Hawking had an upgrade on his Computerised Voice Synthesiser, so it's faster now but he lost all his old photos, and it's made him think about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, because it predicts what he's saying, so he feels the need to warn us of the dangers of technology rising up against us. And, of course, Professor Schwartzenegger tried to warn us about this back in the Eighties in Terminator!

• Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won?

  Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award!

  Ian Hislop : The Bad Sex Award?

  Kirsty Wark : Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award!

  Reginald D. Hunter : I was going to say, you took winning that quite well!

  Paul Merton : You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?

• Kirsty Wark : ["Poor people can't cook" Headline]  What did you have for breakfast?

  Ian Hislop : Oh, no time for Breakfast! Coffee and Cigarettes!

  Paul Merton : And wild, wild women!

• Ian Hislop : Justice Caulfield?

  Spike Milligan : Yeah, name the bugger!

• Ian Hislop : [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque]  Aren't those meant for real people?

  Paul Merton : Are you suggesting that Mr. Bear...?

  Ian Hislop : Not for a moment!

  Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : I love Rupert the Bear stories, especially the one where Bill Badger was gassed.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Undisclosed Offshore Holdings Scandal]  What was the Scandinavian Prime Minister's name?

  Henning Wehn : Sven?

  Ian Hislop : I get a German on the show and he uses a racial stereotype!

• David Shayler : [Muhammed Al Fayed's picture is in the odd one out round]  Now, I have to be careful what I say about him, because he pays my salary!

  [his transmission is interrupted by images of a monkey staring at a topless woman] 

  Ian Hislop : What was that?

  Angus Deayton : Ah, it's MI5 messing around...

• Boris Johnson : This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon".

  Ian Hislop : Did you say "Do you know who I am?"

  Paul Merton : I've got no idea, myself.

  Boris Johnson : Perhaps he could have told me...

• Boris Johnson : I meant no plagiarisms.

  Ian Hislop : I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!

  Paul Merton : Nobody could plagiarise you, Boris! There is no-one like you, you are unique!

• Rick Wakeman : My Wife wasn't a Miss World, but she was a Miss something...

  Ian Hislop : A Mistake?

  Rick Wakeman : I quite liked Miss Bournemouth, but the tide's gone out...

• Ian Hislop : The Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns...

• Richard E. Grant : I must confess I only got 9% on O-level Maths.

  Ian Hislop : 9%? That's an A-star now!

• Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?

  Paul Merton : A whistling woman and a crowing hen may not look the same when the rain comes in. It's a weather thing. If a cow lies down it soon will snow, if a squirrel jumps, ho-di-ho.

  Marcus Brigstocke : I live by that proverb.

  Paul Merton : You poor devil.

  Marcus Brigstocke : It's confusing, but, you know...

  Ian Hislop : They all end ho-di-ho, Medieval proverbs! Can you just repeat it one more time, Sir Trevor, for our amusement?

  Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?

  Ian Hislop : Change their name from Griselda to Ben?

  Trevor MacDonald : Very good, but not the right answer. A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor Men!

• Ian Hislop : Garlic deters MRSA? I think that's the first useful bit of information we've had on this show!

• Ian Hislop : You bought one courgette?

  Miranda Hart : I live alone!

• Guest : Oooh! Buzz!

  Ian Hislop : You've been on this kind of a high-end show before, haven't you?

• Boris Johnson : One might ride a Quad Bike at Oxford, in the Quad!

  Rick Wakeman : By that logic, only bisexuals could ride bicycles.

  Ian Hislop : It's like a trireme, Boris, you've heard of those?

• Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we joined the EU.

  Ian Hislop : Is that the definitive argument?

  Gyles Brandreth : The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing.

  Paul Merton : So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers?

  Gyles Brandreth : I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD!

  Paul Merton : We're inviting Armageddon, then?

  Gyles Brandreth : If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful.

  Ian Hislop : I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides!

  Gyles Brandreth : I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before.

  Ian Hislop : You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing?

  Gyles Brandreth : Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I remember 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or...

  Ian Hislop : It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words!

  Gyles Brandreth : I'm just trying to give some substance.

  Paul Merton : Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!

• Paul Merton : They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead.

  Sara Cox : I kind of struggle with History, really. I've got cavemen, Jesus, Henry VIII and then us. Anything in between...

  Paul Merton : That's basically it, anyway.

  Ian Hislop : That's certainly the full school syllabus at the moment!

• Ian Hislop : If we say it, it's a word!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round]  David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot?

  Paul Merton : Moustache!

  Godfrey Bloom : Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point!

  Ian Hislop : Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey?

  Godfrey Bloom : Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...

• Frankie Boyle : Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Environment Research Council's Polar Research Vessel, and the Fossilised Egg of an Elephant Bird.

  Julia Hartley-Brewer : Well we know about the Polar Vessel because people voted to call it "Boatey McBoatface" in an online poll or "Boring McBoring Face" but the Government decided that was wrong so they're going to call it "The Sir David Attenborough". But that, rather wonderfully, prompted a petition for Sir David Attenborough to change his name to "Sir David McDavidface".

  Ian Hislop : This is about changing your name? It's not called "Pot Black" anymore?

  Paul Merton : Every colour is equal!

  Adil Ray : Is there a link to Sir David Attenborough?

  Paul Merton : It's because David Attenborough was the controller of BBC 2 back when Pot Black was commissioned in 1969. Because it was a program made for colour TV

  Adil Ray : Did he discover all these except for...

  Julia Hartley-Brewer : Boatey McBoatface!

  Frankie Boyle : Absolutely right. I thought it could have been a lot worse asking the British Public to decide on something. It could have been called "The Harold Shipman".

• Adil Ray : [odd one out round]  Big slugs are coming to get us?

  Ian Hislop : Is that what happens if you leave the EU?

• Paul Merton : [Ian has a sore throat]  This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests?

  Ian Hislop : I'll say anything.

  Paul Merton : Say "Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?"

  Ian Hislop : Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?

• Ian Hislop : Those police always have warrants because those are fictional characters. Our police are less well-trained than our actors.

• Ian Hislop : [as Bishop of Southwark]  You're my besht mate, you are!

• Jane Moore : [Tony Blair admits to wearing glasses]  It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed.

  Ian Hislop : Was he at the wrong end?

  Jane Moore : Who can say?

  Paul Merton : There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.

  Angus Deayton : Such as?

  Paul Merton : Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a search party for it, but they'd never come back!

• Ian Hislop : Most cows are called "Buttercup".

  Paul Merton : That must be very confusing for them!

• Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East?

  Paul Merton : Oh! This is the teddy bear.

  Clive Anderson : The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes.

  Paul Merton : Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not...

  Will Self : That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC.

  Clive Anderson : So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this...

  Paul Merton : Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported.

  Chris Addison : British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington

  Paul Merton : Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Chris Addison : Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich.

  Will Self : Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction".

  Clive Anderson : Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote?

  Ian Hislop : She didn't make any mistakes!

  Will Self : Yeah.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Ian Hislop : She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!"

  Chris Addison : Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot.

  Paul Merton : To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages!

  Chris Addison : "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!"

  Paul Merton : "The Animal Kingdom is ours!"

  Ian Hislop : Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi!

  Chris Addison : In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare.

  Will Self : Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal!

  Clive Anderson : British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Is your Body Beach-Ready, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Hell, yes!

• Ian Hislop : You're being very negative.

  Guest : Brexit!

• Host : Freemasons face what?

  Ian Hislop : East?

• Guest : They're the UK Independence Party and they've got it, so why are they still around? When they get up in the morning, what have they got on their To Do List, now?

  Ian Hislop : To make sure there's no backsliding.

• Ian Hislop : I think the lawyers have woken up.

• Ian Hislop : Politicians and jokes, eh? They're good at it sometimes. Not on purpose...

• Paul Merton : [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition]  I wouldn't like one of them swimmin' up me arse!

  Ian Hislop : What did you say? You wouldn't like one of them swimming up your arse?

  Paul Merton : I'll say it again: I wouldn't like one of them to swim up my arse.

• Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".

  Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is.

  Ian Hislop : It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...

• Ian Hislop : That's a wonderful creation: the legs of a woman and the head of a Dictionary, what more could you want?

• Ian Hislop : [Heathrow Runway]  It might just be internal flights after Brexit. No-one's going to want to go anywhere, and they certainly won't be coming here...

• American Politician : That is absolutely horseshit!

  Ian Hislop : He's used a noun as an adjective! It's either absolute horseshit or absolutely horseshitty.

• Ian Hislop : They've run the numbers and worked out that losing Scotland would give us a permanent Tory Government. Which is a reason to vote No on Independence...

• Ian Hislop : NASA used to have more money than this, sending men into space. Now, it's just a spider. The speeches are worse too: "That's eight small steps for a spider..."

  Al Murray : The spider was sent into space to answer schoolchildrens' questions about how spiders spin webs in space. And now it's dead.

• Paul Merton : [Flooded-out Celebrities]  Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't think of many flood stories.

  Ian Hislop : Gilgamesh! It's not often you get a chance to talk about Gilgamesh on the BBC and I'm going to take it!

• Ian Hislop : [Autumn Statement]  I don't want to be gloomy, because if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you! They're saying "Cheer up, Hammond! Tell us the weather is going to be lovely!" But it isn't, winter is coming...

• Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : Would you like to see Alex Salmond as a Ghost in a Pakistani Soap Opera?

  Ian Hislop : Yes!

  [Clip] 

  Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : Not bad. It was through a friend of a friend. And quite a while ago, when he was working for the Royal Banquo of Scotland.

• Ian Hislop : The Swiss Guards are also robots.

• Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he wouldn't be scything topless, he'd need a shirt to protect him from the sun.

  Camilla Long : Also, he'd have to be careful in case he gave himself an unintentional Brazilian!

  Ian Hislop : An Unintentional Brazilian?

  Paul Merton : It's a Graham Greene novel!

• Ian Hislop : Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen it.

  Paul Merton : So, the question should really be "Who is Andrew Marr?"

  Ian Hislop : I have seen it, of course, because I have no life.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Russell Brand]  He kept leaning in, didn't he?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, and Miliband kept saying "And the answer to that IS Politics!" And at the end of it all Russell turned to camera and said "And what have we learned?" and we thought "Well, you've learned quite a lot!"

• Ian Hislop : It's National Poetry Day today, isn't it? Well, not tomorrow when this goes out so that ruins that.

  Guest : This isn't Live?

  Ian Hislop : It's barely breathing!

• Ian Hislop : And it ended up with him and Boris having a fight in a lift.

  Guest : Didn't he call him a "Lying Wanker"?

  Ian Hislop : I'm afraid it was the F-word.

  Guest : A "Flying Wanker"?

• Ian Hislop : [Jamie Oliver Paella Scandal]  It's Cultural Appropriation! The only thing we're allowed to cook is Fish Fingers! That's Brexit Future!

• Ian Hislop : I'm still getting used to the idea that Kanye West is not a Constituency.

• Ian Hislop : [Douglas Carswell]  He used to say he was in the wrong Party, now he IS the Party! It's a massive schism within one man, where he splits himself in half or something.

• Ian Hislop : He quoted Kipling. The Poet, not the Cake Maker.

  Charlie Brooker : Don't patronise me! Like I'm going to say "I always thought it was pronounced Ker-pling!"

• Paul Merton : [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans]  Have you ever eaten anything with your hands, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, I believe I ate... an Apple!

• Ross Noble : To be fair, "Hardcore Housewives" could just be about Housewives who like to get a lot done, not just your house but the neighbours' too! "I'm not bringing the kids home until it's clean!"

  Ian Hislop : I prefer your World!

  Ross Noble : Although you would be disappointed if you got "Hardcore Housewives" and were going through it, saying "Look at all these clean Houses..."

• Hal Cruttenden : [Castro assassination attempt]  Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed to find?

  Ian Hislop : This is turning into a bad episode of Spongebob Squarepants!

  Paul Merton : THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

• Himself - Guest Presenter : How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?

  Ian Hislop : In Cabinet apparently he blurted out that he was in favour of freedom of movement and an Amnesty for all illegal immigrants who were already here, something he'd said before when he was mayor of London, but then he unsaid it when he decided to support Brexit, and then he obviously forgot when he was in Cabinet that he'd unsaid it, so he said it and now he's unsaid it.

• Paul Merton : Is anyone telling the truth, here?

  Ian Hislop : They are both members of UKIP.

• Ian Hislop : Vampire Mice!

• Ian Hislop : [Castro's regime]  These things go off. All sorts of Parties start with good ideas, don't they Suzanne? Then they get a bit of power, but probably not in your case.

• Host : This is the furore over Yaya Toure...

  Paul Merton : There's a poem there! Let's get a limerick going...

  Ian Hislop : There once was a bloke Yaya Toure/ who caused something of a furore/ he wanted a cake/ well what a mistake/ isn't this a boring story?

  Ross Noble : This is like a Posh Version of 8 Mile!

• Mel Giedroyc : [Hanky Loaner]  It's Linen!

  Jacob Rees-Mogg : I have to say, Constituents often cry in my surgeries.

  Ian Hislop : I can imagine that, so clearly!

• Ian Hislop : This is the "Post-Truth" era.

• Himself - Guest Presenter : And how did the Daily Mail react to the news that a Shanghai University has developed technology that can supposedly tell if someone is innocent or guilty just by analysing their face?

  Ian Hislop : By suggesting only 100% of people should be locked up immediately?

• Ian Hislop : Have you seen the Pig?

  Host : The Pig? Have I seen the Pig?

  Paul Merton : I said to 'em, I said "I'm not going on if I haven't seen the Pig!"

  Ian Hislop : Pic! This is what happens to my diction around proper actors.

• Ian Hislop : [Survey]  Anyone here working class?

  Random Brit : Ra-ther!

• Ian Hislop : When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn, you think "This Country IS in a mess..."

• Ian Hislop : It's not funny, it's just really annoying.

• Robert Peston : Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership.

  Paul Merton : Is this the most powerful program on TV? We haven't even gone out! There's 300 people here, but that's enough!

  [Phone gesture] 

  Paul Merton : "They've shown your clip on Have I Got News for you!"

  Robert Peston : I should call him, actually, there's a typo in his resignation statement.

  Guest : Does it say why?

  Ian Hislop : We know why! Peston just called him an Amateur!

  Guest : Aw, sorry Chukka!

  Robert Peston : Well. He has just ****** up the rest of the jokes...

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round]  "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".

  Ian Hislop : Thatcher!

• The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.

  The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.

  Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?

  The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?

  Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!

  Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Ian Hislop : Is this what you were like at school? I can imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn't get any O levels.

  Paul Merton : CSE. CSE, ungraded.

  Angus Deayton : Excellent work. Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old.

• Ian Hislop : This would suggest that no-one in France is deaf, which I'm not sure is true.

• Frankie Boyle : The Virus was called WannaCry and demanded all your money.

  Gyles Brandreth : Oh, yes, and all in BetCoins too.

  Guest : BetCoins?

  Frankie Boyle : BritCoins?

  Gyles Brandreth : BitCoins!

  Ian Hislop : Oh no, we've left the European Market, they're all Britcoins now!

• Ian Hislop : I mean, he contradicts himself midsentence now! He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis and he himself curtsied. And then he gets this Award, the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom or something...

  Paul Merton : That was an ITV Quiz Show that never got past the Pilot Stage!

• Frankie Boyle : She's maybe Thatcher's Final Horcrux?

  Guest : I'd watch that!

  Frankie Boyle : Theresa May wouldn't be drawn on which Harry Potter Character she most resembled, but said they were a great read for children and adults.

  Guest : She's Malfoy! She knows she is!

  Ian Hislop : No! Those were the Posh Boys she just replaced!

• Ian Hislop : [bizarre caption dilemma]  The au pair should have jumped out naked and that's what the Sun wants. And pretended with a straight face she was doing a public service. You wouldn't have done that, Claire? Apart from work for the Sun...

  Claire Raynor : It was a Newspaper in those days!

  [sigh] 

  Claire Raynor : I remember it well...

  Ian Hislop : This is Pre-War?

• Ian Hislop : So they all play Chess but she plays Badminton for Shropshire.

  Angus Deayton : Which is one of the least interesting pieces of information we've had on this programme.

• Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how can I say this, that a woman's physical attributes influences Melon selection.

  Angus Deayton : I'd hate to say you're right, but...

  Ian Hislop : What happens with cucumbers?

  Paul Merton : Can't get mine in the basket!

  Ian Hislop : Cut them in half don't they?

  Angus Deayton : That's kosher.

• Guest : I like the A1, in brackets, M. It's not a Motorway, but it dreams...

  Ian Hislop : A real Tory, aspirational road!

• Ian Hislop : Man goes into a Psychiatric Ward and says "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of Curtains!" And the Doctor says "I'm sorry, there aren't any beds..."

• Martin Clunes : The tiny particle, Higgs Boson, a theorised building block of all life is so abhorrent to nature it would create waves back in time and disrupt its own discovery.

  Ian Hislop : But then Arnie would arrive!

  Martin Clunes : The Telegraph simplified it saying it was like Marty endangering his own existence in Back to the Future.

• Ian Hislop : We had a Parrot when I was young.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was it called?

  Ian Hislop : We were a very imaginative family, it was called Polly.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Did you teach it all your catchphrases?

  Ian Hislop : And those would be what, Alexander?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Oh I don't know, Catch Looks, maybe.

  [imitates a Parrot imitating Ian by swiveling its head in continuous exasperation] 

• Ian Hislop : It was a Parrot we had in Nigeria, which was where we lived when I was young. And it was a lovely Parrot. It did a certain amount of talking

  Paul Merton : [Posh Parrot voice]  "I'm too good for this place!"

• Ian Hislop : So nothing is happening?

• Ian Hislop : Most countries they say "Do you want to donate your organs" and people say "No!" We're going to say "Do you not want to donate your organs?" and people are going to say "Oh, I can't be bothered to fill out the form..."

• Ian Hislop : Andy you're so down on these Academics! One Bee on a Urinal and you Hate the World!

• Host : Jeremy Corben asked Theresa May what planet she was on, and within ten minutes that brain of hers came up with the riposte: "My honorable colleague asked me what planet I was on, I know what Planet he's on: Planet Venezuela!"

  Ian Hislop : The problem with that joke is the Planet that Venezuela is on is Earth.

  Paul Merton : That's why he's the Editor of Private Eye!

• Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano.

  Paul Merton : Not a fan of jazz, then, is he?

• Host : His nickname's Rasputin.

  Guest : But is he Russia's Greatest Love Machine?

  Ian Hislop : Is that a Boney M reference?

  Guest : That's alright, it's historic research it's allowed.

  Ian Hislop : Oh, I'm not saying Boney M haven't done their stuff...

• Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can".

  Paul Merton : Was he allowed to use crampons?

• Ian Hislop : Lots of quite sensible people have said Don't Conflate everything with a clumsy pass and not everyone has to be arrested for even thinking about sex, I mean, it's a reasonable point, to go for the people who are actually guilty of something and punish them.

• Paul Merton : You'll never carve another Avocado again! Grim words to hear on a Friday night...

  Ian Hislop : At last, we've got a proper Liberal Metropolitan Story!

  Guest : That guy from Doncaster's turned off hasn't he!

  Ian Hislop : Exactly!

  Guest : "Ah, the poofs are talking about fruit!"

• Host : Avocado Hand!

  Guest : It's like Stigmata!

  Ian Hislop : The Irish Police will be round for you! They didn't get Stephen Fry but they'll get you!

• Host : Hobby-Horsing is the latest craze to hit Finnish Teens.

  Ian Hislop : If ever a sport needed drug testing it's that one!

  Guest : It gets worse when one of them falls over and they have to put a curtain around the Hobby Horse...

• Andy Hamilton : On the plus side, Trump is the first openly insane man to be voted President.

  Ian Hislop : He's broken through the Rubber-Padded Ceiling!

• Ian Hislop : The problem with this list is that it says things like "inappropriate comment to researcher" and then later it says "marries researcher" so it was obviously quite appropriate in that particular case because it was wanted.

• Ian Hislop : Boris is innocent he's not on the list that you haven't seen and nor have I!

  Paul Merton : How do you know he's not on the list if you haven't seen it?

  Ian Hislop : Damn you Merton!

  Paul Merton : No further questions, M'Lud!

• Guest : I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood, although I did get married in Vivienne Westwood.

  Ian Hislop : What, inside her?

• Ian Hislop : I like the idea that of all the organisations out there you could target with Ransomware, you choose the NHS, who we know don't have any money.

• Ian Hislop : Can I just say you've all lost your edge?

• Katharine Ryan : [large Teddy Bear story]  Who is this aimed at?

  Paul Merton : Men who want to have sex with Bears?

  Katharine Ryan : That's very close.

  Paul Merton : That's close is it? Women who want to have sex with Bears! Bears who want to have sex with Bears!

  Ian Hislop : That's just Bears, isn't it?

  Paul Merton : Yes, I suppose that is just Bears.

• Ian Hislop : SpongeBob! He's quite a guy...

• Ian Hislop : Oh, they were all very Libtard Snowflake, I thought.

• Ian Hislop : You don't know Namaste? It's the first thing you do before Downward Dog!

• Baroness Warsi : I don't know why, I've been told I'll need the tissues!

  Ian Hislop : Because I'm going to make you cry! I'm a well known misogynist bastard!

  Baroness Warsi : Ha! I'm from Yorkshire, I'll just kick you in the balls.

• Ian Hislop : The World's "Complex" deal with Iran is that we give them a shedload of money and they don't blow us up. It's a very simple deal. And if you take the money away, they probably will. And Trump's decided it's worth the risk. It's a new World...

• Guest : [Stormy Daniels]  You get to the point where you don't care, it's him, it's a Shell Company, Russian Oligarchs, you just go "Hell, take the Bribes!"

  Ian Hislop : Anyone would think you were a former Banker!

  Guest : You can take the girl out of banking...

  Ian Hislop : It's the first time this Crowd's cheered a Banker when you came on!

  Guest : Thankyou! Thankyou! They pretty much have to, I'm a Brown Woman. What can you do?

• Ian Hislop : Cor, you're out of touch, the Political Class, you've got no idea! Real people's lives, get with it!

• Ian Hislop : [Putin wandering around the Kremlin to Stayin' Alive]  The KGBee Gees!

• Guest : Eh...

  Ian Hislop : What was that little noise?

• Ian Hislop : We've all been to terrible Weddings, many of them our own, but this one I feel is Spectacular!

• David Mitchell : So who else has been the subject of a Petition this week?

  Guest : The strangely named Tyson Fury, who believes that homosexuals are pedophiles and women are better to be in the kitchen.

  Andy Hamilton : For a boxer he's not strangely named! He's name after that well known wife beater Mike Tyson. Don't broadcast that, he might be watching.

  Guest : He was up for Sports Personality of the Year, now was he ever going to win, that's the thing.

  David Mitchell : Over 100,000 people signed a Petition asking he be removed from the shortlist.

  Ian Hislop : It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like: Just Ban it! You could argue against it, or point out it's wrong or listen to it, but no, just Ban it!

  Andy Hamilton : He is a boxer, he gets hit in the head for a living! I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation... don't broadcast this either!

  David Mitchell : What did he actually say, Fury?

  Andy Hamilton : Homosexuals and Pedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the End of the World. So he's put a kind of deadline on it. And he said women belong in the kitchen or on their backs.

  Paul Merton : That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : It does!

  Paul Merton : One of those low level ovens I suppose. I mean, she'd have to be up for it...

  David Mitchell : Fury said there are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil Comes Home: one is homosexuality being legal, one is abortion, the other is pedophilia. Quite a dark remark, isn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : Although he is rather positive about it, there are ONLY three, he says.

  David Mitchell : I didn't realise that the Devil lived here!

  Paul Merton : He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

• Ian Hislop : He was heard shouting, according to the Guardian.

  Guest : Why would I shout "According to the Guardian"?

• Ian Hislop : I was just trying on the Cummerbund...

• Ian Hislop : [Sachsgate]  The BBC did its usual thing of moving from breathless arrogance and indifference to self-flagellation within four days...

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What is Mark Clark doing, what's his Official Role?

  Ian Hislop : He organised these road trips.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's right.

  Ian Hislop : Of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory Party.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Exactly

  Ian Hislop : The thing about Young Tory Politics is it's so low level. It's literally young men going, "You will Never Work on the Back Desk of the Assistant Conservative Research Department ever again!" And they all go "WOOO! NO!"

  Paul Merton : Do they go very camp, too?

• Sara Pascoe : This is very sad, this organisation one of their members committed suicide, but now that it's happened everybody's blaming everybody else.

  Ian Hislop : Yes, this is the young conservatives who to everyone's surprise have turned out to be ghastly instead of nice, moderate, well-balanced young men.

• Ian Hislop : [Maypole Dancing]  I mean it is, I know, Patriarchal Phallocentric nonsense...

  Paul Merton : But you could say the same about the FA Cup Final!

• Jo Brand : Anyone got any jokes?

  Ian Hislop : I overheard this argument between two women. One of them yelled "WAG!" the other yelled "MILF!" and then someone said "It's all getting very acronymous!"

• Frank Skinner : Bees shown to be the first insects to understand the concept of what?

  Ian Hislop : Brexit?

  Guest : Nectar Points?

  Frank Skinner : Zero.

• Gary Lineker : Queen Spotted in What?

  Ian Hislop : Dick!

  Gary Lineker : There goes the knighthood, Ian!

  Ross Noble : Queen spotted like a Leopard?

  Gary Lineker : The Queens head was spotted in a puddle by a care worker!

  Ian Hislop : There seems to be a stake underneath! A good Republican Puddle!

• Jo Brand : What did David Cameron say he was going to do when he met King Abdullah?

  Ian Hislop : That he was going to "Bring Up" a number of Human Rights Abuses.

  Jo Brand : I hope he did.

  Ian Hislop : Well, we'll never know, will we? Unless David Cameron is found without a head.

  Jo Brand : I'd still shag him.

  Paul Merton : Even without a head?

  Jo Brand : Preferably without a head.

  Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless corpse, is that it?

  Andy Hamilton : That is setting the Bar quite Low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : It's the sad reality of being a Fat Bird.

  Ian Hislop : I thought they were all shot by Prince Harry!

• Host : There is no what in Poland?

  Guest : LIEBENSRAUM!

  Ian Hislop : A HIstorical Joke!

  Host : Border Collie Association.

• Moth : [flies under Ian's nose and over to Paul] 

  Paul Merton : I told you to wait in the Van!

  Ian Hislop : Don't scoff, he's a Guest tonight but next week he'll be Hosting!

• Ian Hislop : We're in the middle of this austerity thing.

  Lord Black : Yes?

  Ian Hislop : Did you have that?

  Lord Black : Canada's Rich.

  Ian Hislop : But we're trying to foster a Spirit of All Being In It Together.

  Lord Black : Yes?

  Ian Hislop : So any sort of Class Distinction at the moment is very, very sensitive.

• David Tennant : Why do you think Theresa May will survive this?

  Ian Hislop : 'Cos nobody else wants the job, it's too miserable! And she has got an incredible skill at taking the blows! One of those people, stave her head in, cut her arms off, she's still going!

  [marching gesture] 

  Ian Hislop : "Yes, I'm getting on with the job!" Blow her up, piano falls on her head. It's a skill!

• Ian Hislop : I heard that a number of Bishops had ordered us to pray for David Beckham's Foot. Is that true?

  Angus Deayton : No.

  Ian Hislop : And then I heard that Tony Blair had postponed a Cabinet Meeting to make an announcement, and I thought that probably was true.

  Angus Deayton : Yes, he said "Nothing is more important to England than David Beckham's Foot"

  Ian Hislop : I wish I believed that was a joke.

• Host : Later Olympic Torches look like vibrators...

  Ian Hislop : What an interesting hinterland you have!

• Nicky Morgan : This is Royal Wedding No. 2!

  Richard Ayoade : We've all been pronouncing the Bride's name wrong, do you know how it should be pronounced?

  Ian Hislop : Eugenics!

• Ian Hislop : Nachos?

• Grace Dent : Surely there must have been a bit of Willy-Waving inside the Private Eye Offices?

  Ian Hislop : [looks absolutely distraught] 

• Joan Bakewell : I bet he made that speech with great flourish. What is it about short, fat men?

  Ian Hislop : [Damned-if-I-know shrug] 

• Steph McGovern : What does the Headless Chicken Monster do when threatened?

  Joan Bakewell : It hides in the Boat down there!

  Steph McGovern : Nobody cares about the boat!

  Ian Hislop : The interesting thing about the boat is that they found there were still goods loaded on board that it was trading!

  Steph McGovern : [Slams head on desk] 

• Ian Hislop : Nobody cares about the boat? This is Philistine News! It was an ancient Trireme!

• Ian Hislop : That's very depressing, Reg!

  Reginald D. Hunter : Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, I thought this was England!

• Richard Blackwood : Ah, now, this man... is the guy!

  Ian Hislop : Have you ever thought of being a News Presenter?

• David Tennant : What was the Prize for this competition?

  Ian Hislop : Life?

  Lucy Prebble : Not to be made into Steaks!

• Ian Hislop : Is this Movember?

  David Tennant : It's nothing to do with Movember, it's just Richard

  [Madeley] 

  David Tennant : being the Crazy Cat he is!

• Ian Hislop : Is he standing in for Piers Morgan?

  David Tennant : Yeah.

  Ian Hislop : Well, I don't think you should discourage him, for God's sake!

• Judge Rinder : [George Osbourne]  We just go to the same Gym, we don't agree about everything!

  Ian Hislop : Who ruined the Country?

  Judge Rinder : [laughs, changing the subject]  He's got a nice set of buttocks, I must say!

  Paul Merton : What, like a Collector? One set in mahogany, up there on the shelf!

• Ian Hislop : Just ask Diane Abbot, she's got the Numbers!

• Ian Hislop : Ah, but will Parliament enact something that goes against the Will of the People as expressed in the Plebiscite?

• Ian Hislop : They'll clap anything on this show, won't they?

• Guest : [Melania at a Funeral]  You all think she's laughing because of Obama, but really it's just because she's in the prescence of Death!

  Ian Hislop : That was a bit bleak!

• Katharine Ryan : What is an Internet Myth with no basis in reality?

  Ian Hislop : Is it friendship?

  Katharine Ryan : Aw!

• Charlie Brooker : Dave, the record-breaking Worm, what?

  Ian Hislop : Fails to take responsibility for the Referendum?

• Frankie Boyle : It's great the Manifestos are all out because the drip, drip of Policies is like some kind of Diabetic Advent Calendar!

  Ian Hislop : What a positive view you have!

  Frankie Boyle : It's one of my more positive jokes.

• Ian Hislop : These are odd times for those of us who don't want the World to End.

• Ian Hislop : The thing about Sarah Palin is that she's the first good-looking woman in Politics for a really long time!

• Ian Hislop : I'm the Man, you see.

• Reginald D. Hunter : Are you saying Leprechaun or Leprecorn?

  Paul Merton : Leprechaun! They're very mischievous.

  Ian Hislop : You say Leprechaun and I say Leprecorn...

  Paul Merton : Don't worry about him, he's trying to get on X-Factor!

  Ian Hislop : It's my dream!

• Ian Hislop : [a woman rides a horse around a Circus Ring as her safety harness hoists her up, exposing her knickers]  That's a great metaphor for New Labour, isn't it? Going round in circles, hanging on for dear life...

• Ian Hislop : Do you not have bifocals in your Country?

  Paul Merton : They're not allowed to marry!

• Ian Hislop : Let's go flipping birds!

• Paul Merton : I live on my own, that's why the Vacuum Cleaner's my best friend!

  Ian Hislop : You don't live on your own, you're Self-Partnered!

• David Mitchell : Statue of Jesus in Mexico mocked for looking like Phil Collins.

  Ian Hislop : It's quite good, really, it's Genesis!

• Host : Why did an Amorous Pig make the news this week?

  Ian Hislop : Oh, he's launched a Manifesto!

• Ian Hislop : Pigs in Blankets or Kilted Sausages? Let's have a Referendum!

• Brian Blessed : I think we'd all be happy to be Average in Bed. But I don't need the pill! The blue pill! No, ladies!

  Ian Hislop : How about the Pink Pill that says Tranquilizer, Horse Dosage?

  Paul Merton : Have you always been shy?

• Brian Blessed : What's wrong with Pierre the Penguin?

  Ian Hislop : He's bald!

• Ian Hislop : I hate to agree with the Government on this one, but you don't fatten a pig by weighing it all the time!

  Paul Merton : And you don't seduce a cow by buying it lots of chocolates!

• Ian Hislop : He's farming Dalai Lamas!

• Ian Hislop : It's a Nobby thing, really, isn't it? Like Chumley Marshbanks.

  Paul Merton : What's a Nobby thing like Chumley Marshbanks? Is that a condition you might have picked up in the Sahara?

• Ian Hislop : Is this toilets?

  Benedict Cumberbatch : Yes, it's the sound of someone flushing my credibility down the toilet.

  Ian Hislop : Well, we can't very well do a round on the Terrance Rattigan you've just done at the National, can we?

• Benedict Cumberbatch : Kim Jon Chul, why is he not going to take over?

  Ian Hislop : Is he dead?

  Benedict Cumberbatch : No he's said to be too feminine.

  Paul Merton : Do you have a picture so we may judge this man?

  Benedict Cumberbatch : No, but if you picture the one with a lampshade on his finger in a dress, that may do it.

  Paul Merton : [looks dreamy] 

  Benedict Cumberbatch : Come back to us! Come back to us!

  Paul Merton : I was well gone, there. I was over the border!

• Paul Merton : On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

  Ian Hislop : Three Musical Dwarves!

• Andy Hamilton : Now X-Factor is that manufacturing? It's manufactured.

  Ian Hislop : Are you suggesting it's rigged?

  Andy Hamilton : I'm not suggesting anything, that's entirely your interpretation.

  Paul Merton : Good Legal Out, there!

• Host : I'm sorry but Pisserides is just funny!

  Ian Hislop : He's Greek, and he wasn't made fun of because in Greece that's about as funny as bitumen. Sorry, it's the casual xenophobia.

  Paul Merton : He's wearing a tie!

  Host : Yeah, I dressed up for this, Ian!

• Ian Hislop : I read it in Private Eye.

  Paul Merton : Do you mean to say you read this thing?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, it's well worth it.

  Paul Merton : And where would one get one?

  Ian Hislop : At reputable newsagents everywhere!

• Ian Hislop : N-Dubz, a well-respected Grime Band...

  Andy Hamilton : Who told you that?

• Ian Hislop : And then there would be Peace! Sorry, song coming on.

  Paul Merton : The Spirit of John Lennon just touched you briefly, brushed you lightly on the brow.

• Ian Hislop : Do you Tweet? Oh, that's embarrassing. There is actually someone out there pretending to be me, which is even more embarrassing than actually being me.

• Paul Merton : Makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwiches are going!

  Jo Brand : Probably Sphincterways.

  Paul Merton : That's Chiswick, isn't it? Isn't that near Chiswick?

  Ian Hislop : Ring Road!

• Paul Merton : It's funny, I started that bit without knowing who was going to come up.

  Ian Hislop : Are you worried Satan's going to sue?

• Guest : Do you tweet? It's fun and enjoyable. I actually got into trouble for tweeting about the Pope.

  Paul Merton : Did he send the Heavies around?

  Ian Hislop : That blind Albino Monk?

  Guest : It just wasn't considered the done thing for Speaker's Wives, we should be handing round sandwiches.

  Ian Hislop : Well, it's a good point.

  Paul Merton : Ian Hislop a staunch traditionalist? This is doing my head in!

• Jo Brand : Do you know what Facebook is, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Yes I do!

  Jo Brand : Facebook is the one that's not Twitter.

  Charlie Higson : Twitter is for the older and more discerning wastrel.

• Ken Livingstone : You voted for the other bugger, you sod!

  Ian Hislop : If it makes you happy, yes.

• Ian Hislop : I love him trying to Coast it! It's that Boris thing: "I buzzah buzzah buzzah!"

• Gyles Brandreth : Are you a Freemason?

  Ian Hislop : No.

  Gyles Brandreth : [gives him an Arch Look]  Ha! Ha! Ha!

  Ian Hislop : Are you having a stroke?

• Mel Giedroyc : What is the appeal of Game of Thrones, is it the intrigue, violence or the Boobs?

  Ian Hislop : Well, with Playboy gone it's the Boobs.

• Guest : Have you ever bought a Nike product, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, I have several of their Waistcoats!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Theresa May is keen on Brexit and is planning a Festival to Showcase the Talent that we have.

  Ian Hislop : What will this Festival be Celebrating?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : The talent that we have.

  Paul Merton : Our ability to organize a Festival!

• Steph McGovern : How did locals react to reports of a Panther?

  Paul Merton : Ee, did you hear about that Panther up on the hills? It were massive.

  Ian Hislop : What accent was that?

  Paul Merton : Johannesberg!

  Steph McGovern : Do it again?

  Paul Merton : Johannesberg!

  Steph McGovern : No, the thing!

  Paul Merton : Ee, did you hear about that there Panther up in the hills? Right massive it were!

  Ian Hislop : That was Namibian!

• Ian Hislop : Well, I think the BBC should be taken off the air!

  Paul Merton : Bring back the Potter's Wheel is what I say!

• Ian Hislop : This is the Code Breaking Machine at Bletchly Park that Alan Turing used to help win the War.

  Richard Blackwood : I'm going with my bro, right here!

  Ian Hislop : Yes, I'm glad you're going with me.

• Paul Merton : Someone's pretending to be you?

  Ian Hislop : The levels of sadness in this Country are extraordinary!

• Ian Hislop : Whistle while you twerk!

  Paul Merton : We've got a deguerrotype here of Lord Palmerstone doing it!

• Kathy Burke : What are men better at than women?

  Ian Hislop : Peeing standing up? Folk-singing?

  Paul Merton : Folk-singing? Oh, Aye-aye diddle aye-aye!

  Ian Hislop : Oh, I've been a wild rover, for many a year...

  Paul Merton : Oh, you shouldn't have stopped! That could have been a golden moment on Youtube!

• Ian Hislop : I went to a Funeral once, and during the eulogy someone leaned in towards me and said "Is he going to mention the dead guy at all?"

• Ian Hislop : Don't they have this wonderful EMP bomb that turns all the Lights Out? Why have they been wasting time bombing when they had that up their sleeves?

  Peter Hitchens : They've been busy sharpening pencils to get the graphite!

• Ian Hislop : Mallory had a habit of walking around the lower slopes naked. To relax. Nothing wrong with that, he was a product of his time, an ordinary public schoolboy!

  Angus Deayton : His companion seems to be naked from the waist down.

  Ian Hislop : That's alright, he went to Cambridge!

• Ian Hislop : Greg Dyke, look at him! He looks like a Klingon.

• Angus Deayton : Drama over Farmer's what?

  Peter Hitchens : Llamas!

  Ian Hislop : Drama over Farmer's Wife's assault on Three Blind Mice! She went after them with a carving knife!

• Angus Deayton : Kangaroos put on what?

  Ian Hislop : Put on trial in Kangaroo Courts?

• Guest : Did I dream this? There's a Hotel where you can hire a goldfish?

  Ian Hislop : If you're lonely?

  Guest : Can I unbuzz?

• Ian Hislop : He looks like Planet of the Apes, doesn't he?

• Paul Merton : If we are so wary of words, is there any way you could express an opinion through Contemporary Dance?

  Ian Hislop : [Balletic Seated Dance Moves] 

  Paul Merton : You'll get sued! You'll get sued!

• Paul Merton : A contemporary football reference, M'Lud!

  Ian Hislop : I'm obliged to you!

• Frank Skinner : What was Simon Cowell's response to Bruce Forsythe?

  Paul Merton : I'm not gay!

  Ian Hislop : Has everyone given up mime?

  Paul Merton : I can't do that one on my own!

• Ian Hislop : It sounds like a really bad Action Hero, he turns up and Hums you to Death! Hmmm...

  Guest : The Incredible Hum.

• Ian Hislop : Stop treating me like a sex object!

• Ian Hislop : Don't underestimate Mandy!

• Ian Hislop : Half a pint of Testostorone!

  Audience Member : [screams] 

• Patrick Stewart : What has gone missing with no sightings for more than eight months?

  Ian Hislop : Hope?

• Paul Merton : This is the award you won, was it in the Beano? Did you send off enough coupons for it?

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Paul Merton : Was that your acceptance speech?

• Ian Hislop : Do we know what Mugwump really means, though?

  Robert Peston : I told you what it means!

  Paul Merton : Are you doubting the word of the Political Editor of ITV?

• Ian Hislop : It was a tough interview, they went straight in with "Do you like shoes?" Alex and Matt, the Grand Inquistadores!

• Ian Hislop : If I was Lord Rothermere I'd be off to France to evade some tax! Are those boos of approval?

• Paul Merton : I love your view of the British Public as this one tetchy individual. Touch of camp about it, you must admit.

  Ian Hislop : That's how I view them.

  Guest : Isn't it time to get rid of the British Public?

• Richard Coles : Did you hear about the gay vultures? There were these two gay vultures at this zoo, and they found this egg, this is true it was in the papers, and they hatched it and now they're raising the hatchling as a strong, gay couple!

  Ian Hislop : That was Thought For the Day...

• Ian Hislop : You can tell it to your friend Kim Jong Il!

  Jo Brand : I will.

  Ian Hislop : He likes a cake, too!

• Ian Hislop : I bet in North Korea they're going: Oh Dear I think that's a bit sycophantic!

• Ian Hislop : That Curry makes you deaf.

  Paul Merton : I think that's the worst answer we've ever had on this show. Ever in the History of Man.

• Ian Hislop : [Jeffrey Archer]  He tried to do a few words of Kurdish and said "Bastard Kurdistan!"

• Ian Hislop : [with Phil Wang on the Panel]  This is Government Numberwangology of the highest order.

• Ian Hislop : The Big Fucking Rocket, is that what it was called? Not the Big Friendly Rocket?

  Guest : Aw, you mustn't go on Instagram!

• Benedict Cumberbatch : How did you know that?

  Ian Hislop : I read the papers. It's a little trick you pick up after 300 years.

• Victoria Coren Mitchell : He'd make a deal with the Klingons for a whiff of power.

  Ian Hislop : I don't know, I think the Klingon Manifesto was pretty good.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Police dogs will receive what?

  Ian Hislop : Pensions!

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : I can't believe no-one said Truncheon Meat!

• Jon Snow : Only the women have staying power!

  Ian Hislop : You'll do anything for applause, won't you?

  Jon Snow : I'd do anything for a woman.

• Ian Hislop : It's like that thing where everyone gets angry and someone kicks the dog.

• Guest : You know, if you're going out with a boyfriend and he's saying "Oh, I want a threesome! And I want 1.7million!"

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, I know that so well.

• Ian Hislop : This is making the Autumn Statement look interesting!

• Ian Hislop : Surely it's Dominus Regit Me?

  Martin Clunes : Whatever.

• Ian Hislop : [to Julian Clary]  I can't believe Quentin Letts did the innuendo before you!

• Ian Hislop : His theory was that as soon as you go bald it's terribly traumatizing and you have to go out and find two rent boys...

• Host : What song would you like played at your funeral?

  Ian Hislop : George Michael's Wake me Up before you Go-Go!

• Host : What, what and what are on National Curriculum for Babies?

  Paul Merton : Sex and drugs and Rock and Roll?

  Ian Hislop : You think that's a joke!

  Paul Merton : Are they new words you have to learn? Hello, Good-day, How-do-you-do?

  Ian Hislop : Don't-you-know?

• Ian Hislop : [Rosslyn Chapel]  It's a secret location preserved for thousands of years by Merovingian Knights, covering up the Big Secret that it's all Bollocks.

• Paul Merton : It's better than when Prince Charles was interviewed by Ant and Dec on popular music and he said "I quite like Leonard Cohen".

  Ian Hislop : I can imagine him, late at night: "Suzanne, takes you down..." with MISERY flowing out of him.

• Richard E. Grant : Yes, I was in this Classic Film called Spice World. A lot of young women pinching my bottom.

  Ian Hislop : I like you because you're honest. Anyone else would have said "I felt the need to expand my roles" but with you it's bottoms and money!

  Richard E. Grant : Yes. Why do you do it?

  Ian Hislop : The same.

  Richard E. Grant : What kind of bottoms?

  Ian Hislop : Any bottoms.

• Ian Hislop : I'm sorry, I don't understand the game.

  Carol Vorderman : [row of random numbers]  Give me a target?

  Ian Hislop : What, a Government Target?

  Paul Merton : One you might have to fiddle with on the way...

• Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : Is Wayne Rooney likely to go to the World Cup?

  Guest : You do know who Wayne Rooney is, don't you?

  Ian Hislop : Pchaw! I'm not a complete idiot, you know?

• Angus Deayton : Now, the glasses. Faltering eyesight or Fashion Statement?

  Ian Hislop : In those days it was sunny.

  Greg Proops : Was this before the Earth cooled and when dinosaurs roamed?

• Ian Hislop : Those glasses had a photochromic system, so when the sun came out they went kind of yellow. A big mistake, I freely admit it.

• Ian Hislop : [Fergie]  She's admitted she cheated. For years people thought she was a member of the Royal Family, but she wasn't. She was a completely bonkers slapper.

• Ian Hislop : A lot of grunt on top!

  Paul Merton : A lot of grunt on top?

  Ian Hislop : It's what people say about cars.

• Paul Merton : Nah, leave it, it's the biggest score we've ever had over that little shit over there! Sorry! Sometimes when you talk quickly you don't know what the end of the sentence is going to be! I withdraw that completely!

  Ian Hislop : Britain's wittiest man?

• Ian Hislop : All that happened was, we go for drinks after the show at hospitality, so I turned to her and said "We're going for a drink!" That was it! That was me being Bruno Atollellioni!

  Paul Merton : What he's not telling us is later that evening they were behind the bins at McDonald's and you couldn't separate them!

• Paul Merton : The gecko wasn't making a bazillion prank calls, though, it was an accident! And that photo has been mocked up, that's clearly a landline not an iPhone touchscreen!

  Ian Hislop : Can you say that a gecko is bad?

  Paul Merton : We know nothing about the rest of that gecko's life!

  Ian Hislop : It's just a series of value judgements.

• Ian Hislop : Is this a new game, Where's Werrety?

• Ian Hislop : He "denied there was any transactional behavior"! Try THAT next time!

• Ian Hislop : I can't get over the fact they sound like Dickens characters! Have you met Mr. Werrety? Oh, he's with Dr. Fox!

  [Victorian Era flounces] 

• Ian Hislop : It's just so obvious I can't be bothered to say it. You don't have to return to a barter system from the Stone Age to get your point across about Capitalism, even if you DO have a nice cup of coffee and a tent!

• Greg Davies : I once flambed a Jeffery Archer novel.

  Ian Hislop : How did it taste?

  Greg Davies : I didn't eat it. Someone had left it over, and I was disgusted to have it in my flat. I genuinely put it in a Wok.

• Ian Hislop : He weeps at The Sound of Music.

  Andy Hamilton : What the Musical, or any sound of music?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was the Press's reaction to the Fenton clip?

  Paul Merton : Humanity reaches...

  Ian Hislop : Nadir?

  Paul Merton : Lowest point, we are all doomed! That got a million views? I'm in the wrong business!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What other Animal News has there been?

  Paul Merton : Pigeon lands on roof for no reason!

  Ian Hislop : This is all that's going to be left of the Press after the Levenson Inquiry!

• Host : Can anyone tell me what Gavin the World's most sarcastic Gorilla has been up to this week?

  Paul Merton : [audience laughs just at the question]  Did he shove a Banana up Barry Watson?

  Ian Hislop : Was there a contest? Who judged him the most Sarcastic Gorilla? Were there hundreds showing up saying "Yeah..."?

• Ian Hislop : [misses his bell] 

  Paul Merton : That's the clip that'll win us the BAFTA!

• Ian Hislop : Oooh, I've got a tingling in my whiskers!

• Paul Merton : You look like a Ventriloquist's Dummy in that Blazer!

  Ian Hislop : Well, I'll take that in the Spirit in which it was meant...

  Reginald D. Hunter : That's exactly what you're going to do!

• Ian Hislop : PBS, which is American, has accused the Muppet Show of spreading Communism amongst the under fives. They did this with Spongebob Squarepants, too, they said he was spreading Homosexuality!

• Guest : Oh, no, that's the other one.

  Ian Hislop : The other one? Do you mean to say there are only two footballers? And here I am trying to learn millions of them?

  Paul Merton : And when did you start this process of learning footballers?

  Ian Hislop : 10 years ago and I've got nowhere!

• Self - Guest Presenter : Will you stop talking when I'm trying to do my thing?

  Paul Merton : We'll have them separated!

  Guest : Sorry, Sir!

  Ian Hislop : Not clever or funny.

• Host : Anne Widdecome said she wouldn't be returning to Politics, she was happy with her Panto appearances.

  Ian Hislop : Have you seen her Widow Twanky?

  Paul Merton : No-one ever has...

• Ian Hislop : [Tutankamun]  He's got a point. You wouldn't want someone going around, digging up graves and saying "Ew, look at him!" Bob Philcott, a man talking sense!

  Sara Cox : Aw, I hope he's watching and says "Yeah, Have I got News for You get me!" and high-fives the TV.

  Ian Hislop : I don't think Bob Philcott is a high-five kind of guy.

• Ian Hislop : Oh, I suppose you want everyone to die!

• Ian Hislop : That's what Being British is! You find it at the same time Moving, and Hysterical!

• Charlie Brooker : Christmas would be nothing without what?

  Ian Hislop : Christ!

• Ian Hislop : I love how Mark Zuckerberg's vision of the Future is that people like him! It's not going to happen! Oh, so you started out rating College Girls "Like" or "Dislike" and somehow down the trajectory you ended up with something misogynistic? Who saw that coming, eh?

• Ian Hislop : He said "Britain is not a corrupt Country." Because that's Boris, he thinks saying it makes it True!

• Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless Corpse, is that what you're saying?

  Jo Brand : Yes, it is!

  Andy Hamilton : That's setting the bar quite low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : Setting the bar quite low is the tragedy of fat birds!

  Ian Hislop : I thought they got shot by Prince Harry!

• Self - Guest Presenter : Vienna vegetable orchestra what?

  Ian Hislop : Are looking for a Tuber?

• Ian Hislop : I don't mean to be old-fashioned, but when the light goes on...!

  Clive Anderson : You're right, this wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

  Paul Merton : A lot of things wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

• Paul Merton : Did you hear Salman Rushdies' quote this week? "Veils suck"!

  Ian Hislop : Yes, like a fourteen year-old on Social Media! "Whatever!"

• Paul Merton : It's growing with every day that goes by, so won't the Crown of World's Smallest Hamster be passed eventually?

  Ian Hislop : No, it has a rare Hamster Disease so it's going to stay like that.

• Boris Johnson : Oh I meant no plagiarism!

  Ian Hislop : No I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!

  Paul Merton : No one could plagiarise you Boris, you are unique!

• Ian Hislop : "Gold Blend" is kind of unpleasant sexual deviancy.

  Angus Deayton : He's going to have a Hell of a night tonight, isn't he!

• Angus Deayton : Scientists have developed a what to see if your cat is what?

  Ian Hislop : A test to see if your cat is Schrodinger's?

• Bob Monkhouse : Prince Charles loves the wrinkly bands of the 60s. Every member of the Rolling Stones reminds him of Camilla.

  Ian Hislop : Even Charlie Watts?

• Ian Hislop : They've skipped past calling it variant Xi, because that would suggest it comes from China...

• Ian Hislop : What sort of Country have we become, where you can't Photocopy your own Bottom!

• Ian Hislop : [Angela Raynor]  I like the way she keeps saying "you know", when she's the only person who doesn't know anything!

• Ian Hislop : The choice was a Crook or a Racist, which is American Democracy for you!

• Ian Hislop : Yes, I was spanked at School with a Cane, and it made me... a perfectly balanced... Human Being...

• Ian Hislop : I don't think the link between spanking and baldness has been established!

• Rhona Cameron : [Thatcher]  Who's the Lady in the Blue Top?

  Ian Hislop : Beats me.

  Angus Deayton : Does she?

• Ian Hislop : Is there a word shortage in Slovenia? Things are tough, there!

• Ian Hislop : So a Rothschild, possibly the richest man in the Universe, refuses to pay for a baked potato?

• Jo Brand : There are no Guiness Records about blinking, because it's too hard to count.

  Ian Hislop : Have they tried Theresa May?

  [eerie glassy stare] 

• Ian Hislop : Ego Pontifex...

• Ian Hislop : [DIY Waifu]  Is that what Alexa would look like in 3D?

• Ian Hislop : The advantages of Proportionial Representation are you get a totally corrupt and discredited Government, unlike our System...

• Ian Hislop : Ah, it's Status Quo! That's one of the bands I know...

• Richard Blackwood : I'll have you doing the Street Talk by the end of the Show! You'll be going up to your wife and saying "Yo, Bitch!"

  Ian Hislop : I don't see that as going down awfully well. Anyway, there they all were, all the

  [gang sign] 

• Ian Hislop : [Plebgate]  Do you believe a member of the Tory Cabinet or a Policeman? The Public's got a real problem here...

• Host : So what did they rename the restaurant?

  Ian Hislop : The Burgers of Calais? Sorry, Rodin joke, there. Ah, they'll get it eventually.

• Ian Hislop : I didn't drink the blood, I came over a bit English.

• Ian Hislop : If it's not balanced, I'm flouncing off!

  Paul Merton : I'd like to see you flounce!

  Ian Hislop : [Flounces] 

• Ian Hislop : That bloke's got a mustache!

  Spike Milligan : Get out!

• Ian Hislop : This man has things in his bottom, which tell him how to win.

• Paul Merton : Did you say The Spanish Police Force?

  Ian Hislop : Nobody expects them!

• Ian Hislop : They gave him the ashes of his dog in a coffee jar.

  Paul Merton : Instant dog, just add water!

• Paul Merton : Why were they open-mouthed? Was someone chucking sweets?

  Ian Hislop : They were asleep, it's the House of Lords!

  Angus Deayton : They were aghast.

  Paul Merton : Oh, they were aghast.

  Angus Deayton : Surprised, yes.

  Paul Merton : Were they agog?

  Angus Deayton : Slightly agog.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between aghast and agog?

  Angus Deayton : The spelling is different!

  Paul Merton : The spelling is different, yeah.

  Angus Deayton : But apart from that they're exactly the same.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between being ironic and being sardonic? I don't know that one, either.

  Angus Deayton : They're spelt differently as well.

  Paul Merton : Because you can have irony but you don't have sardony, do you?

  Angus Deayton : No, it is curious, it's always bothered me, that!

  Maureen Lipman : Why do they say Cheap at Half the Price? If something's Cheap at Half the Price, it should be Cheap at Twice the Price!

  Paul Merton : And I see these Supermarket Signs that say "Automatic Door, Push Button!"

  Maureen Lipman : And why is mishap not spelt miss-hap?

  Paul Merton : And why doesn't doing sound like doing?

  Angus Deayton : And why are wrong numbers never engaged?

• Ian Hislop : This was the Conservative Party Conference, and they unvealed their new strategy for winning the Election.

  Angus Deayton : They unvealed it?

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, you can't export beef, you have to unveal it!

• Host : Space smells like what?

  Frank Skinner : Does it smell like Uranus?

  [a deathly hush descends] 

  Ian Hislop : You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

  Frank Skinner : I'm so terribly sorry!

• Ian Hislop : I'm sorry, that was almost pleasant!

• Ian Hislop : I'm not even going to say Allegedly, this time...

• Ian Hislop : Desmond Tutu...

  Angus Deayton : Tutu Train?

• Ross Noble : So, our Culture Secretary is most famous for eating Kangeroo Penis?

  Ian Hislop : That's not fair! It was Octopus Anus.

  Ross Noble : At the Conference or on IACGMOOH?

  Ian Hislop : Anyway, she ate the Anus and now she's talking out of it!

• Ian Hislop : If I was Paul, I'd get a point for that.

• Ian Hislop : The logic seemed to be Barack sounds a bit like Iraq and Obama sounds like Osama. And he said: you're a great public speaker! Ooooh, that's terrible! Being able to string a sentence together...

• Ian Hislop : Oh, that's right, Jack

  [Dee] 

  Ian Hislop : 's doing gloom tonight and I'm on positivity!

• Paul Merton : Are you still here?

  Ian Hislop : Unlike you, next week!

• Guest : You just want to talk about Anal Beads again!

  Ian Hislop : I want to talk about the Venerable Bede!

• Ian Hislop : You can't be Protesting Dictatorial Regimes in Britain!

• Steph McGovern : Ian, what would you eat if you were a White Van Man?

  Ian Hislop : There's this marvellous bar, called a Yorkie...

• Steph McGovern : Ian, have you ever tried Ketamine?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, I have.

• Ian Hislop : The Logic's breaking down...

• Host : [Tetris Blazer]  I've actually got my muff out on TV and had a smear test! I've won a BAFTA for that!

  Paul Merton : This isn't Loose Women!

  Ian Hislop : No, there are people watching!

  Host : Ooooooh! The shit's hitting the fan, now!

• Host : Human beings have never been less hairy since the trend for body shaving started in ancient Rome, with the Pubic Wars...

  Ian Hislop : Until the Wax Romana!

  [Claps] 

  Ian Hislop : Now that was grudging!

  Paul Merton : Joining in in bewilderment! At least it was in Latin...