Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Paul Merton: Self - Team Captain, Self, Self - Guest Presenter

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Quotes 

• Sean Lock : Only 2% of people go to church in this country

  Paul Merton : And they're priests!

• Paul Merton : Bono was up on stage saying "Every time I click my fingers, a child dies!" and someone yelled "Well, stop clicking your fingers, then!"

• Paul Merton : [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting] 

  [yells out at random points] 

  Paul Merton : Bank!

• Angus Deayton : And did you chat with the Queen Mother?

  Paul Merton : We talked about you.

  Angus Deayton : No, you didn't.

  Paul Merton : Yes, we did.

  Angus Deayton : What did she say about me?

  Paul Merton : I've never heard such language in all my life.

• Paul Merton : Never a frown with Gordon Brown.

• Angus Deayton : What was right up Napoleon's street?

  Paul Merton : Napoleon's house!

• Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round]  I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel.

  Paul Merton : Swallow?

• Angus Deayton : Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags".

  Paul Merton : That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor!

• Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.

  Jo Brand : That's got nothing to do with the question.

  Paul Merton : She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!

• Michael Aspel : The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"

  Paul Merton : What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form.

  Reginald D. Hunter : When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!

• Ian Hislop : [SAT Tests]  All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would pass them so it's all cancelled.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they?

  [groans from the audience] 

  Paul Merton : You'll be using it tomorrow!

• Reginald D. Hunter : Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform...

  Ian Hislop : Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"?

  Paul Merton : No, they're "Michael" and "Reginald". Let's not get too informal!

  Ian Hislop : It's context, Paul, we're friends!

• Jo Brand : This is the American Election as it struggles to an unedifying climax. I've had a few of those.

  Paul Merton : Oh, I'm sorry. Were any of them yours?

  Jo Brand : Ha!

• David Tennant : What's wrong with the statue of Mo Salah?

  Paul Merton : The head's too big! Or out of proportion.

  Ian Hislop : Wait till they see the Sphinx!

  Paul Merton : It's good to hear a Sphinx joke...

• [on a question about Pokémon] 

  Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.

  [flippantly] 

  Ian Hislop : I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.

  Angus Deayton : You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?

  Ian Hislop : I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.

  Paul Merton : You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?

• [at the end of the quiz] 

  Paul Merton : So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!

• Paul Merton : I think the quiz element of this show is over-rated.

• [discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show] 

  Angus Deayton : It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself.

  Paul Merton : Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.

• Clive Anderson : Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?

  Boris Johnson : Partly, yes.

  Paul Merton : I don't think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!

  Boris Johnson : I think we should get off my, um, my property.

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Ian Hislop : I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW".

  Paul Merton : A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?

  Ian Hislop : Milk.

  Paul Merton : Where'd you get the milk?

  Ian Hislop : A Coconut.

  Paul Merton : How'd you get in the Coconut?

  Ian Hislop : With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia!

• Katharine Ryan : [on the news story of a 15 year-old hacker who compromised TalkTalk's customer database]  These teenagers! What are their Mothers doing, banging on the wall yelling "You'd better be wanking in there and not bringing down a Large Corporation!"?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Paul Merton : The two activities are not mutually exclusive.

• Boris Johnson : Dogs dogged Doug's dogged dog!

  Paul Merton : Is this what it's like going to University?

• Paul Merton : I said that, but a bit more fluent. You're whipping me up into a coma, Boris!

• Michael Aspel : This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes, who has received a vote of no confidence from the London Assembly. What was his ballsy response?

  Paul Merton : If you've got the authority and confidence to sack me, do it, otherwise I'm going home.

  Michael Aspel : He said it was just a one-off.

  Ian Hislop : It wasn't for Menezes! Someone said in a bygone age Sir Blair would have been given a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and then would be escorted to his office to quietly do the honorable thing. Knowing him, he'd drink the whiskey and come out with the revolver!

• Ian Hislop : And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!

  [Hums "The Imperial March" from Star Wars] 

  Paul Merton : You're having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture...

• Clive Anderson : Which Cheese is made backwards?

  Paul Merton : Edam! Don't boo ME!

• Ian Hislop : Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square!

  Victoria Coren Mitchell : How dare you!

  Paul Merton : The Pigeons are flying High above Krakow, tonight! See, the fat lady has ordered dinner, but wants no dessert to follow!

• Kathy Burke : Shall we have a quick game of Avocado or Testicle?

  Paul Merton : NO!

• Steph McGovern : They can make themselves rigid to fit nooks and crannies.

  Paul Merton : I've been to Parties like that!

  Steph McGovern : Or blow their lungs out through their anus.

  Paul Merton : I've definitely been to Parties like that!

• Massive Essex Girl : It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a massive fan of the Dictionary, you know, we should be like promoting the Dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical British thing, isn't it?

  Ian Hislop : [has hysterics] 

  Paul Merton : Every story ever written's in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.

• Paul Merton : I can see you as Zorro!

  Ian Hislop : Zorro, the gay blade!

  Des Lynam : I've never been accused of that - yet!

• Paul Merton : This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes

  [pronounced "Geeves"] 

  Paul Merton : I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors.

  David Steel : "Gieves"

  [pron. "Jeeves"] 

  David Steel : , I think you'll find.

  Paul Merton : "Gieves"? Is it Gieves?

  David Steel : Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it?

  Paul Merton : Does it? How's it spelled?

  Angus Deayton : G-E-I.

  [sic] 

  Paul Merton : Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters.

  Angus Deayton : So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been...

  Paul Merton : So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S?

  Angus Deayton : Yeah.

  Paul Merton : Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...

• [answering a question about dogs] 

  Michael Brown : There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...

  Paul Merton : Well, we can't compete with this level of research!

• Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?

  Paul Merton : Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.

  Angus Deayton : Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.

  Paul Merton : What does that mean?

  Ian Hislop : It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.

• Angus : [mishears something Paul says]  Half an hour on a giraffe?

  Paul Merton : No, not right now I've got to do this.

  [pause] 

  Paul Merton : I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes

  Angus : You don't need to tell me.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"

• Angus Deayton : [missing headline round]  What turns blue in fridge?

  Paul Merton : Queen Mother!

• [caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background] 

  Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

  Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

  Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?

  [this draws the biggest laugh from the audience] 

  Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.

  Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.

• Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick]  Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.

  [clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays] 

  Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?

  Angus Deayton : Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.

  [the clip plays again, everyone laughs again] 

  Paul Merton : Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?

  Ian Hislop : It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!

• Paul Merton : [on hearing that Iain Duncan Smith has another middle name]  There's four of him?

• Paul Merton : Well, keep in mind I did Metalwork.

• Damien Lewis : [President Carter was once chased by a rabbit]  Not to forget the most famous rabbit Presidential Assassin: Lee HARVEY Oswald.

  Paul Merton : That film came out in 1952!

• Damien Lewis : Careful we might be being Bugsed! One off the cuff...

  Paul Merton : Well it's certainly not one off the script!

• Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won?

  Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award!

  Ian Hislop : The Bad Sex Award?

  Kirsty Wark : Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award!

  Reginald D. Hunter : I was going to say, you took winning that quite well!

  Paul Merton : You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?

• Kirsty Wark : ["Poor people can't cook" Headline]  What did you have for breakfast?

  Ian Hislop : Oh, no time for Breakfast! Coffee and Cigarettes!

  Paul Merton : And wild, wild women!

• Ian Hislop : [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque]  Aren't those meant for real people?

  Paul Merton : Are you suggesting that Mr. Bear...?

  Ian Hislop : Not for a moment!

  Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : I love Rupert the Bear stories, especially the one where Bill Badger was gassed.

• Tub of Lard : [Silent] 

  Angus : And so the answer to your Odd One Out round...

  Paul Merton : Hold on! He's only just seen it.

• Keith Vaz MP : This could be good news or it could be like the Pathway Project, where we were promised a new Spanking Hospital...

  Paul Merton : It's a kind of alternative therapy!

• Paul Merton : Whenever Roger Beard puts on his Cucumber Suit, Roger Cucumber puts on his Beard suit.

• Boris Johnson : This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon".

  Ian Hislop : Did you say "Do you know who I am?"

  Paul Merton : I've got no idea, myself.

  Boris Johnson : Perhaps he could have told me...

• Boris Johnson : I meant no plagiarisms.

  Ian Hislop : I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!

  Paul Merton : Nobody could plagiarise you, Boris! There is no-one like you, you are unique!

• Paul Merton : Did you study Philosophy, or did you just think you studied Philosophy?

  Boris Johnson : How would I know?

• Paul Merton : Blank look again, Boris? "I must kill the Prime Minister..."

• Paul Merton : Brian, you'd never guess you were an Actor!

• Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?

  Paul Merton : A whistling woman and a crowing hen may not look the same when the rain comes in. It's a weather thing. If a cow lies down it soon will snow, if a squirrel jumps, ho-di-ho.

  Marcus Brigstocke : I live by that proverb.

  Paul Merton : You poor devil.

  Marcus Brigstocke : It's confusing, but, you know...

  Ian Hislop : They all end ho-di-ho, Medieval proverbs! Can you just repeat it one more time, Sir Trevor, for our amusement?

  Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?

  Ian Hislop : Change their name from Griselda to Ben?

  Trevor MacDonald : Very good, but not the right answer. A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor Men!

• Boris Johnson : The Prince likes Pharrell, who is a hip-hop Master Mixer.

  Sue Perkins : Your shoulders moved when you said Hip-hop!

  Boris Johnson : They're supposed to, aren't they?

  Paul Merton : You know they only make you read this out so you look stupid, don't you, Boris?

  Boris Johnson : Yes, it's a pact of steel...

• Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we joined the EU.

  Ian Hislop : Is that the definitive argument?

  Gyles Brandreth : The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing.

  Paul Merton : So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers?

  Gyles Brandreth : I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD!

  Paul Merton : We're inviting Armageddon, then?

  Gyles Brandreth : If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful.

  Ian Hislop : I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides!

  Gyles Brandreth : I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before.

  Ian Hislop : You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing?

  Gyles Brandreth : Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I remember 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or...

  Ian Hislop : It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words!

  Gyles Brandreth : I'm just trying to give some substance.

  Paul Merton : Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!

• Guy who nearly threw an Egg at Boris : Today was just a protest against the Conservative, the Conservative party, it was nothing to do with Vote Leave or the EU, it's against, it's against, uhm...

  [trails off into silence] 

  Joe Wilkinson : He makes me look as if I know what I'm talking about!

  Paul Merton : His ambition got him as far as having an Egg with him. Maybe next year, who knows?

  Joe Wilkinson : He's the kind of person who always has an Egg with him.

• Paul Merton : They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead.

  Sara Cox : I kind of struggle with History, really. I've got cavemen, Jesus, Henry VIII and then us. Anything in between...

  Paul Merton : That's basically it, anyway.

  Ian Hislop : That's certainly the full school syllabus at the moment!

• Michael Aspel : Yes, there was no real reason to invent the Genetic Supermouse, the Scientists just wanted to see what happened if they did it. Any other pointless science research this week?

  Paul Merton : Someone's trained a Horse to say "How d'you do?" To confuse people walking through the countryside?

  Michael Aspel : It's the dog washing machine!

• Clive Anderson : What did Tony Blair keep quiet so people wouldn't think he was a nutter?

  Paul Merton : WMDs? Faith!

  Clive Anderson : Yes, Tony Blair revealed he kept his Faith quiet and that God often spoke to him at difficult moments. To say "Don't drag me into it, you nutter!"

  Paul Merton : I just had a religious experience.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round]  David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot?

  Paul Merton : Moustache!

  Godfrey Bloom : Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point!

  Ian Hislop : Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey?

  Godfrey Bloom : Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...

• Jerry Springer : Time now for the odd one out round. Ian and Ken, your four are, David Cameron, David Soul, Ken Livingstone and Randy Bumgardener.

  Ken Livingstone : Who's Randy Bumgardener?

  Katy Brand : I'm so glad I was here to hear you say that! David Soul wears his glasses like you Jerry!

  Jerry Springer : Isn't that interesting? Because he played me in the Opera!

  Ken Livingstone : I've been played in...

  Jerry Springer : Oh, you've been played!

  Ken Livingstone : Has Bumgardener, or whatever his name is...

  Paul Merton : What do you mean "Bumgardener, whatever his name is"? We know his name's Randy Bumgardener! There's no two ways about it! What was his parents thinking of? What was his mother thinking of? "Oh, your name's Bumgardener? I'm going to marry you!"

  Ken Livingstone : Nobody's done a play or Opera about Cameron so Bumgarden... I'm doing my best!

  Paul Merton : You're saying Cameron's the odd one out?

  Ken Livingstone : Very odd.

• Jerry Springer : Randy Bumgardener...

  Paul Merton : This is your life!

  Jerry Springer : You may not know this but he is the General Manager of Blairhouse, and that is the US President's Estate Guesthouse. Randy Bumgardner's father was called Delmar Bumgardener.

  Paul Merton : In an attempt to take the curse off Bumgardner!

  Jerry Springer : And his mother was called Loretta Mincy. It's a good thing she didn't go double-barreled or she would have been a Mincy-Bumgardner!

• Frankie Boyle : Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Environment Research Council's Polar Research Vessel, and the Fossilised Egg of an Elephant Bird.

  Julia Hartley-Brewer : Well we know about the Polar Vessel because people voted to call it "Boatey McBoatface" in an online poll or "Boring McBoring Face" but the Government decided that was wrong so they're going to call it "The Sir David Attenborough". But that, rather wonderfully, prompted a petition for Sir David Attenborough to change his name to "Sir David McDavidface".

  Ian Hislop : This is about changing your name? It's not called "Pot Black" anymore?

  Paul Merton : Every colour is equal!

  Adil Ray : Is there a link to Sir David Attenborough?

  Paul Merton : It's because David Attenborough was the controller of BBC 2 back when Pot Black was commissioned in 1969. Because it was a program made for colour TV

  Adil Ray : Did he discover all these except for...

  Julia Hartley-Brewer : Boatey McBoatface!

  Frankie Boyle : Absolutely right. I thought it could have been a lot worse asking the British Public to decide on something. It could have been called "The Harold Shipman".

• Frankie Boyle : A new Superbreed of Sex-Mad, Sleepless Slugs has arrived from Spain.

  Paul Merton : Ah, an Alliterative Threat!

• Boris Johnson : [Drunk Bishop of Southwark]  He walked into an arch and became what?

  Paul Merton : What?

  Boris Johnson : An Archbishop!

• Paul Merton : [Ian has a sore throat]  This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests?

  Ian Hislop : I'll say anything.

  Paul Merton : Say "Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?"

  Ian Hislop : Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?

• Clive Anderson : Who brushes moths?

  Paul Merton : What do you mean "Who brushes moths?"

  Clive Anderson : Well, I'm sure people do brush moths, but I defy you to prove it!

  Paul Merton : I AM A BRUSHMOTH-ER! I don't even know how to say it...

• Paul Merton : Horse used to make what?

  Rich Hall : Horseradish!

  Paul Merton : It's a good answer, but it's not right...

• Paul Merton : What found in Blackpool?

  Rich Hall : Black Water!

  Paul Merton : Black Water found in Black Pool! Well done...

• Sarah Millican : [Police raid on Parliamentary Office]  It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"...

  Paul Merton : Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different?

  David Mitchell : They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it.

  Sarah Millican : You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it.

  Andy Hamilton : Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print.

  Paul Merton : You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.

• Jane Moore : [Tony Blair admits to wearing glasses]  It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed.

  Ian Hislop : Was he at the wrong end?

  Jane Moore : Who can say?

  Paul Merton : There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.

  Angus Deayton : Such as?

  Paul Merton : Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a search party for it, but they'd never come back!

• Ian Hislop : Most cows are called "Buttercup".

  Paul Merton : That must be very confusing for them!

• Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East?

  Paul Merton : Oh! This is the teddy bear.

  Clive Anderson : The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes.

  Paul Merton : Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not...

  Will Self : That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC.

  Clive Anderson : So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this...

  Paul Merton : Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported.

  Chris Addison : British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington

  Paul Merton : Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Chris Addison : Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich.

  Will Self : Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction".

  Clive Anderson : Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote?

  Ian Hislop : She didn't make any mistakes!

  Will Self : Yeah.

  Clive Anderson : No.

  Ian Hislop : She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!"

  Chris Addison : Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot.

  Paul Merton : To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages!

  Chris Addison : "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!"

  Paul Merton : "The Animal Kingdom is ours!"

  Ian Hislop : Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi!

  Chris Addison : In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare.

  Will Self : Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal!

  Clive Anderson : British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!

• Host : [Missing words]  Man who turned his Dead Cat into a Drone... What?

  Paul Merton : Seeks similar?

• Host : Short sighted baker what?

  Guest : Ices his own paunch?

  Paul Merton : That's excellent. That's the perfect sentence.

• Paul Merton : [Gay Vicar on Panel]  Are you sure you're cut out to be a Vicar? You seem to be fighting something...

• Martin Clunes : And what did the Think Tank Civitas Think in its Think Tank?

  Paul Merton : We're going to need a bigger tank?

• Paul Merton : [Fish accents]  I love you but I can't help but feel we shouldn't be together. You swim in deeper waters than I do...

• Paul Merton : [Zoological Missing Words]  Smelling of bear?

  Germaine Greer : Look how long it is, though!

  Paul Merton : Smelling of bear, bear, bear, bear, bear?

• Jo Brand : What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of all this?

  Paul Merton : Every morning I wake up wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks! I have a Tea Towel embroidered! "What does Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks like he was cultivated in a greenhouse, think about all this?"

• Paul Merton : [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition]  I wouldn't like one of them swimmin' up me arse!

  Ian Hislop : What did you say? You wouldn't like one of them swimming up your arse?

  Paul Merton : I'll say it again: I wouldn't like one of them to swim up my arse.

• Paul Merton : See you next week on Ice My Paunch!

• Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".

  Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is.

  Ian Hislop : It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...

• Paul Merton : [Haunted Trousers]  I wish I hadn't been so harsh on the goose in red booties! That's the worst piece of film we've been asked to comment on! Are ghosts real or was the window open? What mysterious force moves the washing hung up in the garden?

• David Mitchell : She's a Dog Hypnotist. What will she do for £60?

  Paul Merton : Take your poodle back to a previous life?

• Paul Merton : There was that film "Godzilla verses Des Lynam": "Rargh! And here are the football results... Rargh!"

• Paul Merton : [Flooded-out Celebrities]  Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't think of many flood stories.

  Ian Hislop : Gilgamesh! It's not often you get a chance to talk about Gilgamesh on the BBC and I'm going to take it!

• Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he wouldn't be scything topless, he'd need a shirt to protect him from the sun.

  Camilla Long : Also, he'd have to be careful in case he gave himself an unintentional Brazilian!

  Ian Hislop : An Unintentional Brazilian?

  Paul Merton : It's a Graham Greene novel!

• Ian Hislop : Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen it.

  Paul Merton : So, the question should really be "Who is Andrew Marr?"

  Ian Hislop : I have seen it, of course, because I have no life.

• Paul Merton : [Sophie Dahl's raunchy Opium Poster]  She's trying to get Radio Four.

• Boris Johnson : Men Women Love Love Women.

  Paul Merton : NURSE!

• Paul Merton : [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans]  Have you ever eaten anything with your hands, Ian?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, I believe I ate... an Apple!

• Hal Cruttenden : [Castro assassination attempt]  Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed to find?

  Ian Hislop : This is turning into a bad episode of Spongebob Squarepants!

  Paul Merton : THERE'S NO SUCH THING!

• Paul Merton : Is anyone telling the truth, here?

  Ian Hislop : They are both members of UKIP.

• Host : This is the furore over Yaya Toure...

  Paul Merton : There's a poem there! Let's get a limerick going...

  Ian Hislop : There once was a bloke Yaya Toure/ who caused something of a furore/ he wanted a cake/ well what a mistake/ isn't this a boring story?

  Ross Noble : This is like a Posh Version of 8 Mile!

• Jo Brand : You said that Nigel Farage should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Leader?

  Jacob Rees-Mogg : Oh, I think there would be Joy in Heaven if that were to happen!

  Paul Merton : What about here on Earth?

• Jacob Rees-Mogg : We know the plan! We are going to leave the EU! Brexit means Brexit!

  Paul Merton : That's the Aim! What's the plan?

• Paul Merton : [wig, Ian won't join in]  It's amazing how many people think they've got Dignity to lose, isn't it?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Occupy Protest]  They were asked how long they were going to keep it up, and what did they say in reply?

  Paul Merton : Forever! Until the Walls of Mammon fall down upon us!

• Paul Merton : [Robot Launderette]  I am a superior intelligence, but steam! I cannot handle this steam!

  Mel Giedroyc : You're good at robots, you're enjoying that character, aren't you?

  Paul Merton : There's a reason for that.

  Paul Merton : [rips off his face to reveal he is an Android] 

• Ian Hislop : Have you seen the Pig?

  Host : The Pig? Have I seen the Pig?

  Paul Merton : I said to 'em, I said "I'm not going on if I haven't seen the Pig!"

  Ian Hislop : Pic! This is what happens to my diction around proper actors.

• Gary Lineker : [Victorian Pasttimes]  Kind of like an Ian Hislop Theme Park.

  Paul Merton : You must be this tall to ride the Ian Hislop!

• Robert Peston : Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership.

  Paul Merton : Is this the most powerful program on TV? We haven't even gone out! There's 300 people here, but that's enough!

  [Phone gesture] 

  Paul Merton : "They've shown your clip on Have I Got News for you!"

  Robert Peston : I should call him, actually, there's a typo in his resignation statement.

  Guest : Does it say why?

  Ian Hislop : We know why! Peston just called him an Amateur!

  Guest : Aw, sorry Chukka!

  Robert Peston : Well. He has just ****** up the rest of the jokes...

• Roy Hattersley : [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him]  It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains...

  Paul Merton : Well, you're here now, anyway.

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• Paul Merton : [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination]  Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?

• The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.

  The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.

  Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?

  The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?

  Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!

  Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Ian Hislop : Is this what you were like at school? I can imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn't get any O levels.

  Paul Merton : CSE. CSE, ungraded.

  Angus Deayton : Excellent work. Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old.

• Ian Hislop : I mean, he contradicts himself midsentence now! He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis and he himself curtsied. And then he gets this Award, the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom or something...

  Paul Merton : That was an ITV Quiz Show that never got past the Pilot Stage!

• Paul Merton : [Pantomime Cow]  The couple were going to get divorced, but decided to stay together for the sake of the Cow.

• Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how can I say this, that a woman's physical attributes influences Melon selection.

  Angus Deayton : I'd hate to say you're right, but...

  Ian Hislop : What happens with cucumbers?

  Paul Merton : Can't get mine in the basket!

  Ian Hislop : Cut them in half don't they?

  Angus Deayton : That's kosher.

• Martin Clunes : According to respectable scientists the 2 billion Large Hadron Collider might be sabotaging itself from the future.

  Paul Merton : Sabotaging itself from the future?

  Martin Clunes : Do you know any of the science of how it works?

• Paul Merton : A World that needs Liam Gillick is a Sad World.

• Ian Hislop : It was a Parrot we had in Nigeria, which was where we lived when I was young. And it was a lovely Parrot. It did a certain amount of talking

  Paul Merton : [Posh Parrot voice]  "I'm too good for this place!"

• Andy Hamilton : I can't see a penis anywhere.

  Paul Merton : You mean in the painting. I think they nearly ended up as brother and sister and he wasn't very good at faces.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : And the filthy minded Art Historian says the portrait shows a gunpowder hip pouch clearly in the shape of male genitalia.

  Andy Hamilton : Let me see that because I think there's something wrong with me. What's that bit?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's a tassel.

  Paul Merton : Every Man has a tassel, Andy!

  Andy Hamilton : I knew it! I knew I was different...

• Host : Jeremy Corben asked Theresa May what planet she was on, and within ten minutes that brain of hers came up with the riposte: "My honorable colleague asked me what planet I was on, I know what Planet he's on: Planet Venezuela!"

  Ian Hislop : The problem with that joke is the Planet that Venezuela is on is Earth.

  Paul Merton : That's why he's the Editor of Private Eye!

• Tom Baker : I find as my sight diminishes I get on better with people. I just got out of an affair with my wife.

  Paul Merton : If she finds out she'll be furious.

• Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano.

  Paul Merton : Not a fan of jazz, then, is he?

• Host : In other Food News...

  Paul Merton : That wasn't Food News, that was Bonkers Time!

• Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can".

  Paul Merton : Was he allowed to use crampons?

• Paul Merton : You'll never carve another Avocado again! Grim words to hear on a Friday night...

  Ian Hislop : At last, we've got a proper Liberal Metropolitan Story!

  Guest : That guy from Doncaster's turned off hasn't he!

  Ian Hislop : Exactly!

  Guest : "Ah, the poofs are talking about fruit!"

• Ian Hislop : Boris is innocent he's not on the list that you haven't seen and nor have I!

  Paul Merton : How do you know he's not on the list if you haven't seen it?

  Ian Hislop : Damn you Merton!

  Paul Merton : No further questions, M'Lud!

• Paul Merton : I haven't seen you this animated since you thought an Elephant was a reptile.

• Paul Merton : This is a woman being inflated on the beach!

  Guest : This is the woman they thought was a Russian Spy but turned out to just be a Russian.

  Paul Merton : She was at the Canteen going "The Sausages are Cold for this time of year" and it sounded like secret messages.

• Katharine Ryan : [large Teddy Bear story]  Who is this aimed at?

  Paul Merton : Men who want to have sex with Bears?

  Katharine Ryan : That's very close.

  Paul Merton : That's close is it? Women who want to have sex with Bears! Bears who want to have sex with Bears!

  Ian Hislop : That's just Bears, isn't it?

  Paul Merton : Yes, I suppose that is just Bears.

• Paul Merton : You've heard of Sheep gamboling in the meadows, well it was Poker they were playing!

  Host : They all ran away when they saw Alan Shearer!

• Paul Merton : He doesn't look old enough to have been a Milkman for 50 years!

  Host : They start them very young there. As soon as you can reach the udder, you're away.

  Paul Merton : That's not just Milkmen. For many people, that's a good night out!

• Paul Merton : We did this one last week!

• Paul Merton : [Putin]  Here he is meeting the man with the flattest head in Moscow.

• Host : 70% of Russia is what?

  Paul Merton : Vodka!

  Host : Siberia!

• Host : But who would have loved to have been there? Justin O' Schmidt!

  Paul Merton : Did the vicar drop him at the Baptism?

• Host : Anne Widdecome's clean, she's done no fiddling at all!

  [audience laughs] 

  Reginald D. Hunter : Looks like someone opened the Innuendo Jar!

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I wonder who that was, Reg!

  Reginald D. Hunter : That was not Innuendo! That was full frontal talking about having sex with Mike Tyson!

  Paul Merton : As you've stated bravely and boldly.

• Paul Merton : Why is my arse on fire? Because I'm wearing a blazer!

• David Mitchell : So who else has been the subject of a Petition this week?

  Guest : The strangely named Tyson Fury, who believes that homosexuals are pedophiles and women are better to be in the kitchen.

  Andy Hamilton : For a boxer he's not strangely named! He's name after that well known wife beater Mike Tyson. Don't broadcast that, he might be watching.

  Guest : He was up for Sports Personality of the Year, now was he ever going to win, that's the thing.

  David Mitchell : Over 100,000 people signed a Petition asking he be removed from the shortlist.

  Ian Hislop : It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like: Just Ban it! You could argue against it, or point out it's wrong or listen to it, but no, just Ban it!

  Andy Hamilton : He is a boxer, he gets hit in the head for a living! I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation... don't broadcast this either!

  David Mitchell : What did he actually say, Fury?

  Andy Hamilton : Homosexuals and Pedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the End of the World. So he's put a kind of deadline on it. And he said women belong in the kitchen or on their backs.

  Paul Merton : That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : It does!

  Paul Merton : One of those low level ovens I suppose. I mean, she'd have to be up for it...

  David Mitchell : Fury said there are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil Comes Home: one is homosexuality being legal, one is abortion, the other is pedophilia. Quite a dark remark, isn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : Although he is rather positive about it, there are ONLY three, he says.

  David Mitchell : I didn't realise that the Devil lived here!

  Paul Merton : He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

• Paul Merton : The Russian Version of Winnie the Pooh? How did this happen?

• Paul Merton : Anne Widdecombe is the Odd One Out because she's the only one holding a Decapitated Barn Owl.

• Boris Johnson : Do what pose a health risk to your rabbit?

  Paul Merton : Ovens!

  Clive Anderson : Mixamatosis-flavoured cigarettes?

• Paul Merton : That's not right! That's like a Dog-Chicken thing!

• Paul Merton : Is the woman standing in front of him saying "Will you please stop pumping air up my sleeve?"? She doesn't know what he's doing it with but she knows it's happening.

  Sara Pascoe : If she's just got a really, really, fatter lower arm you're going to feel awful!

  Paul Merton : Is her Dad Popeye? She got an Anchor on there? Is her Dad Popeye? It'll be on the Notes.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : It doesn't say.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What is Mark Clark doing, what's his Official Role?

  Ian Hislop : He organised these road trips.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : That's right.

  Ian Hislop : Of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory Party.

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Exactly

  Ian Hislop : The thing about Young Tory Politics is it's so low level. It's literally young men going, "You will Never Work on the Back Desk of the Assistant Conservative Research Department ever again!" And they all go "WOOO! NO!"

  Paul Merton : Do they go very camp, too?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Guess how many Cockroaches are in the Picture! This is a Blank Autocue!

  Paul Merton : For a minute there you had to survive on raw talent!

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Ah. Oh, perish the thought. The Final Scores...

• Ian Hislop : [Maypole Dancing]  I mean it is, I know, Patriarchal Phallocentric nonsense...

  Paul Merton : But you could say the same about the FA Cup Final!

• Guest : The best piece of Graffiti I ever saw was in Soho. It said "ALL GAYS ARE GAY!" What?

  Paul Merton : Get out of that one!

• Paul Merton : [to audience]  You've adopted the Character of a Northern Housewife!

• Gary Lineker : Sightings of a Werewolf in Hull are attributed to the mythical story of Old Stinker.

  Ross Noble : A great film though! American Werewolf in Hull!

  Paul Merton : "What have you done to yer waistcoat! It's all ripped down the back, Arnold! I don't know, every time there's a full Moon I have to buy you a new Jacket!"

• Paul Merton : Mugabe is a Yorkshireman in reverse. Because his name is Ee by gum backwards. 37 years waiting for that laugh...

• Jo Brand : What did David Cameron say he was going to do when he met King Abdullah?

  Ian Hislop : That he was going to "Bring Up" a number of Human Rights Abuses.

  Jo Brand : I hope he did.

  Ian Hislop : Well, we'll never know, will we? Unless David Cameron is found without a head.

  Jo Brand : I'd still shag him.

  Paul Merton : Even without a head?

  Jo Brand : Preferably without a head.

  Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless corpse, is that it?

  Andy Hamilton : That is setting the Bar quite Low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : It's the sad reality of being a Fat Bird.

  Ian Hislop : I thought they were all shot by Prince Harry!

• Michael Aspel : Paul, what is the point of it all?

  Paul Merton : None!

• Paul Merton : Is there a Giant Intergalactic Space Cat that the Government's not telling us about?

• Moth : [flies under Ian's nose and over to Paul] 

  Paul Merton : I told you to wait in the Van!

  Ian Hislop : Don't scoff, he's a Guest tonight but next week he'll be Hosting!

• Evan Davies : Who goes out and just buys bacon on its own?

  Angus Deayton : [gesture]  What, individual rashers?

  Evan Davies : He just had a packet of bacon! Don't you normally buy something with your bacon?

  Paul Merton : Exactly. What sort of Maniac is he? Bacon? If I was working at a Supermarket I'd say "Get out of here! You're a Psychotic! Get out!" I wouldn't serve him!

  Angus Deayton : Yeah.

  Paul Merton : Get a bag of crisps or something, not just bacon! It turns my stomach when people do that. Really annoying. There's a bloke down my way he just goes in and buys bacon and I say "I know all about you, mate! You Solitary Bacon Buyer!" we shout out. Somebody like that shouldn't be in Government.

• Paul Merton : What's this song by Chris de Burgh about, "Spanish Train"?

  Angus Deayton : It's about a journey on a train through Spain.

  Paul Merton : And did he rhyme the words Spain and Train?

  Angus Deayton : No, he missed that particular trick.

• Paul Merton : Michael Gove! That is how a man dresses when his wife doesn't see him leaving the house.

• Paul Merton : If you want to see a Wooly Mammoth in Teeside, please make sure to bring a Wooly Mammoth.

• Steph McGovern : It was a Sea Cucumber.

  Paul Merton : A Sea Cucumber?

• Paul Merton : [Trump]  He said at a rally "I've kept promises I didn't even make!"

• David Tennant : Yeah, but look at Bonnie!

  [fuzzy Brown Cow] 

  Reginald D. Hunter : It's cute but you wouldn't want to have sex with that.

  Paul Merton : But, it did win 3rd Prize in a Boris Johnson lookalike contest!

• Reginald D. Hunter : This Generation? Nothing with the Sphinx jokes!

  Paul Merton : So I turned to Ramases II, and I said...

• Judge Rinder : [George Osbourne]  We just go to the same Gym, we don't agree about everything!

  Ian Hislop : Who ruined the Country?

  Judge Rinder : [laughs, changing the subject]  He's got a nice set of buttocks, I must say!

  Paul Merton : What, like a Collector? One set in mahogany, up there on the shelf!

• Paul Merton : You haven't heard a joke for so long you don't know what it sounds like!

• Paul Merton : [the Royals have gone all EastEnders]  "Gerrout of it! You might have a Crown on your Head but that doesn't mean you're not a Slag, does it?"

• Katharine Ryan : You're like a cross between a Great Dane and Stephen Hawking!

  Paul Merton : Now that's a romance worth hearing about!

  Richard Osman : I'll just think of a Scientist and a Dog that you remind me of! You're like a cross between Marie Curie and a Miniature Schnauzer!

• Frankie Boyle : Wedding Photographer What?

  Paul Merton : Accidentally summons the Spirit of Beelzebub and ruins Reception?

  Frankie Boyle : No...

• Paul Merton : We're going to swap armpits for a fortnight!

• Host : If you want to smell like a chicken, what?

  Paul Merton : Be a chicken!

• Reginald D. Hunter : Are you saying Leprechaun or Leprecorn?

  Paul Merton : Leprechaun! They're very mischievous.

  Ian Hislop : You say Leprechaun and I say Leprecorn...

  Paul Merton : Don't worry about him, he's trying to get on X-Factor!

  Ian Hislop : It's my dream!

• Ian Hislop : Do you not have bifocals in your Country?

  Paul Merton : They're not allowed to marry!

• Paul Merton : Thank you, Jerry, it's nice to be patronised by someone who's brought such quality to television!

• Paul Merton : Did you hear about the Englishman with an inferiority complex? He thought he was the same as everybody else.

• Paul Merton : I smell rehearsal!

  Frank Skinner : First time I've smelt it tonight!

  Paul Merton : First time since 1990!

• Journalist : We're asking people about Boris Johnson?

  Random Brit : Don't mention that name in front of me, the filthy piece of toe rag!

  Paul Merton : And that's his Mother!

• Paul Merton : I live on my own, that's why the Vacuum Cleaner's my best friend!

  Ian Hislop : You don't live on your own, you're Self-Partnered!

• Guest : I'm enjoying the breeze on my nipples.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, but what's the Caption for the Photograph?

• Brian Blessed : I think we'd all be happy to be Average in Bed. But I don't need the pill! The blue pill! No, ladies!

  Ian Hislop : How about the Pink Pill that says Tranquilizer, Horse Dosage?

  Paul Merton : Have you always been shy?

• Ian Hislop : I hate to agree with the Government on this one, but you don't fatten a pig by weighing it all the time!

  Paul Merton : And you don't seduce a cow by buying it lots of chocolates!

• Paul Merton : You used to hunt Methodists, didn't you?

  Host : We couldn't actually find a video of you hunting the Methodists.

• Ian Hislop : It's a Nobby thing, really, isn't it? Like Chumley Marshbanks.

  Paul Merton : What's a Nobby thing like Chumley Marshbanks? Is that a condition you might have picked up in the Sahara?

• Paul Merton : That's the first time I've been given a warning about using the word Concave.

• Paul Merton : Did you say Reich?

  Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : I said Right!

• Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : Think of your thumb as a kind of crank operated potato peeler? You know, I do that all the time because I've got really weird thumbs.

  Paul Merton : Urgh!

• Paul Merton : And before he knew it, he'd fucked the Badger.

• Benedict Cumberbatch : Kim Jon Chul, why is he not going to take over?

  Ian Hislop : Is he dead?

  Benedict Cumberbatch : No he's said to be too feminine.

  Paul Merton : Do you have a picture so we may judge this man?

  Benedict Cumberbatch : No, but if you picture the one with a lampshade on his finger in a dress, that may do it.

  Paul Merton : [looks dreamy] 

  Benedict Cumberbatch : Come back to us! Come back to us!

  Paul Merton : I was well gone, there. I was over the border!

• Paul Merton : On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

  Ian Hislop : Three Musical Dwarves!

• Andy Hamilton : Now X-Factor is that manufacturing? It's manufactured.

  Ian Hislop : Are you suggesting it's rigged?

  Andy Hamilton : I'm not suggesting anything, that's entirely your interpretation.

  Paul Merton : Good Legal Out, there!

• Host : I'm sorry but Pisserides is just funny!

  Ian Hislop : He's Greek, and he wasn't made fun of because in Greece that's about as funny as bitumen. Sorry, it's the casual xenophobia.

  Paul Merton : He's wearing a tie!

  Host : Yeah, I dressed up for this, Ian!

• Host : What will be the impact of shutting all the QUANGOs down?

  Paul Merton : Well there's three ways of looking at it. Looking at it in terms of the lifespan of a chimpanzee, looking at it in terms of the lifespan of a mayfly, and looking at it in terms of talking about it in a squeaky voice.

• Paul Merton : On the autocue it says Skip to Cherie Blair question. I only say this because it's been there for 20 minutes.

• Ian Hislop : I read it in Private Eye.

  Paul Merton : Do you mean to say you read this thing?

  Ian Hislop : Yes, it's well worth it.

  Paul Merton : And where would one get one?

  Ian Hislop : At reputable newsagents everywhere!

• Paul Merton : You're going to Hell!

• Ian Hislop : And then there would be Peace! Sorry, song coming on.

  Paul Merton : The Spirit of John Lennon just touched you briefly, brushed you lightly on the brow.

• Jo Brand : Someone did have a go back at the Archbishop of Canterbury.

  Paul Merton : Was it Satan? Was it Satan in Human Guise?

  Jo Brand : It was Norman Tebbit.

• Paul Merton : Makes me wonder where the cucumber sandwiches are going!

  Jo Brand : Probably Sphincterways.

  Paul Merton : That's Chiswick, isn't it? Isn't that near Chiswick?

  Ian Hislop : Ring Road!

• Paul Merton : It's funny, I started that bit without knowing who was going to come up.

  Ian Hislop : Are you worried Satan's going to sue?

• Guest : Do you tweet? It's fun and enjoyable. I actually got into trouble for tweeting about the Pope.

  Paul Merton : Did he send the Heavies around?

  Ian Hislop : That blind Albino Monk?

  Guest : It just wasn't considered the done thing for Speaker's Wives, we should be handing round sandwiches.

  Ian Hislop : Well, it's a good point.

  Paul Merton : Ian Hislop a staunch traditionalist? This is doing my head in!

• Host : What did Camilla have to say about the wedding announcement?

  Paul Merton : She said "It's wicked, innit?"

• Greg Davies : It had two pound coins for eyes, but if that was the motivation why take the whole snowman?

  Paul Merton : Are you suggesting you would leave a snowman blind?

  Greg Davies : I would say the snowman took its own life because it had teaspoons for arms!

• Marcus Brigstocke : A few years ago they showed Pandas Panda Porn to try and get them busy and mating.

  Paul Merton : Panda Porn?

  Marcus Brigstocke : Panda Porn! You know, Panda Porn.

  Paul Merton : Remember any titles?

• Paul Merton : What kind of kid looks at a brick wall and asks "Is that man made?" "No, it was put there by Jesus!"

• Paul Merton : What is the Man Bun?

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : If you hadn't made the Leather Pants joke, life would have been different.

  Paul Merton : That's not the first time you've had to say that!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Theresa May is keen on Brexit and is planning a Festival to Showcase the Talent that we have.

  Ian Hislop : What will this Festival be Celebrating?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : The talent that we have.

  Paul Merton : Our ability to organize a Festival!

• Steph McGovern : How did locals react to reports of a Panther?

  Paul Merton : Ee, did you hear about that Panther up on the hills? It were massive.

  Ian Hislop : What accent was that?

  Paul Merton : Johannesberg!

  Steph McGovern : Do it again?

  Paul Merton : Johannesberg!

  Steph McGovern : No, the thing!

  Paul Merton : Ee, did you hear about that there Panther up in the hills? Right massive it were!

  Ian Hislop : That was Namibian!

• Ian Hislop : Well, I think the BBC should be taken off the air!

  Paul Merton : Bring back the Potter's Wheel is what I say!

• Paul Merton : Someone's pretending to be you?

  Ian Hislop : The levels of sadness in this Country are extraordinary!

• Host : What is twerking, Ian?

  Paul Merton : A demonstration says so much more than words!

• Host : Sorry, we've changed this because it's Legal.

  Paul Merton : Does it get more Legal the closer you get to it?

• Ian Hislop : Whistle while you twerk!

  Paul Merton : We've got a deguerrotype here of Lord Palmerstone doing it!

• Kathy Burke : What are men better at than women?

  Ian Hislop : Peeing standing up? Folk-singing?

  Paul Merton : Folk-singing? Oh, Aye-aye diddle aye-aye!

  Ian Hislop : Oh, I've been a wild rover, for many a year...

  Paul Merton : Oh, you shouldn't have stopped! That could have been a golden moment on Youtube!

• Brian Blessed : [Tarzan yell] 

  Paul Merton : And that's why we shouldn't cut benefits!

• Paul Merton : We are now rudderless! If any of you escape from this environment, send help!

• Clarissa Dixon Wright : I had a Llama named after me once!

  Angus Deayton : Really, what was it called?

  Clarissa Dixon Wright : Clarissa!

  Paul Merton : What do you mean, what was it called?

• Reginald D. Hunter : British people have that thing where to have the kind of sex they like they have to leave the Country. "Oh, my, I want people to know I like sex, so I'm going to Thailand!"

  Paul Merton : "I've got an erection, get me to the Airport"?

  Reginald D. Hunter : Yeah.

• Mel Giedroyc : Have you ever wondered what celebrities would look like with their wife's hair?

  Paul Merton : Yes, I have.

• Paul Merton : Are you a real person? You're not, like, a Character Actor?

• Paul Merton : When the tide is high, and the Crow flies towards the Horizon, there'll be a change of Management, Arrr!

• Host : The Turtles could be carrying out dangerous spying missions in the future.

  Paul Merton : How's a Turtle going to get through Customs in the first place?

• Deborah Meaden : Can I just say that's a Tortoise, not a Turtle?

  Paul Merton : How dare you! I've made a living impersonating reptiles all my life!

• Paul Merton : If we are so wary of words, is there any way you could express an opinion through Contemporary Dance?

  Ian Hislop : [Balletic Seated Dance Moves] 

  Paul Merton : You'll get sued! You'll get sued!

• Paul Merton : A contemporary football reference, M'Lud!

  Ian Hislop : I'm obliged to you!

• Frank Skinner : What was Simon Cowell's response to Bruce Forsythe?

  Paul Merton : I'm not gay!

  Ian Hislop : Has everyone given up mime?

  Paul Merton : I can't do that one on my own!

• Paul Merton : Do you miss Tony Blair when you look at Gordon Brown?

• David Mitchell : Mum, I've accidentally done what?

  Paul Merton : Shoved an ice cube up a squirrel?

• Paul Merton : What are you doing castigating moths so they can't have children?

• Paul Merton : No big fight? Brush the moth, brush the moth. No big fight, brush the moth.

• Paul Merton : What is it you have every morning, half a Yak or something?

• Patrick Stewart : Zombies, flashers and hamsters what?

  Paul Merton : [it was supposed to be "hipsters"]  Should've gone to Specsavers!

• Paul Merton : He wins an award and he thinks he's Lord Rothermere!

• Paul Merton : This is the award you won, was it in the Beano? Did you send off enough coupons for it?

  Ian Hislop : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Paul Merton : Was that your acceptance speech?

• Ian Hislop : Do we know what Mugwump really means, though?

  Robert Peston : I told you what it means!

  Paul Merton : Are you doubting the word of the Political Editor of ITV?

• Host : Whenever Trump wants a Coke he alerts a butler by pressing a red button on his desk. That's not worrying in the slightest, is it?

  Paul Merton : Where's my Coke and why is it so bright outside?

• Paul Merton : It's another edition of I Didn't Know a Vicar would Say That!

• Paul Merton : I love your view of the British Public as this one tetchy individual. Touch of camp about it, you must admit.

  Ian Hislop : That's how I view them.

  Guest : Isn't it time to get rid of the British Public?

• Paul Merton : They are getting in the way.

• Guest : When you sit here, your genius kind of emanates...

  Paul Merton : I can't do anything about it.

• Journalist : What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?

  Theresa May : Oh, goodness me!

  Paul Merton : [Interjecting on the clip]  A Threesome with John Major and Nicolas Soames!

• Jo Brand : I'm going to ask you lot, now, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?

  Ross Noble : Yeah, go on, Ian!

  Paul Merton : Tell them about the threesome with Lady Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter!

• Paul Merton : Well he didn't like it or it wouldn't be a news story!

• Ian Hislop : That Curry makes you deaf.

  Paul Merton : I think that's the worst answer we've ever had on this show. Ever in the History of Man.

• Paul Merton : Let's abandon this show! Brian says "Who wants a fight?" Line them up in alphabetical order!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Elon Musk, that's the name of the inventor.

  Paul Merton : Elon Musk?

  Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Yes, I'm wearing him at the moment.

• Paul Merton : Seven Secret Servicemen Supped Soup from the Serpentine!

  [Applause] 

  Paul Merton : That's the first thing I've said that they've liked...

• Host : What did Professor Pisserides have to say about it all?

  Paul Merton : That's not how you pronounce my name!

• Paul Merton : They had no idea they'd be in power when they made those promises.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Cornelius Gurlitt has been hiding what?

  Paul Merton : Is it complete as it is?

• Guest : It's usually after two glasses of wine that I start saying "Well, why don't you just dump me then?"

  Paul Merton : What, to people you're not even going out with?

• Jack Dee : What's special about the A3106?

  Paul Merton : It doesn't exist?

  Jack Dee : No.

  Paul Merton : It takes you to another Planet?

  Jack Dee : No.

  Paul Merton : If you go really fast it takes you to the 17th Century?

• Victoria Coren Mitchell : Let's talk about Labour MP Karl McCartney.

  Paul Merton : Karl McCartney. I never thought I'd hear that name again. 17 years ago in Cairo we kissed on the Balcony of the Grand Hotel...

• Paul Merton : Do you find Lord Chilcott attractive? You like a man who takes his time!

• Paul Merton : This was the guy who was asked to leave the bus because he had a can of paint, they said it was a dangerous substance, new Health and Safety rules...

  Trevor MacDonald : What was his response, do you remember?

  Paul Merton : You fucking idiots!

• Paul Merton : What do you mean "People have their backsides in different places"?

• Host : What, what and what are on National Curriculum for Babies?

  Paul Merton : Sex and drugs and Rock and Roll?

  Ian Hislop : You think that's a joke!

  Paul Merton : Are they new words you have to learn? Hello, Good-day, How-do-you-do?

  Ian Hislop : Don't-you-know?

• Paul Merton : It's better than when Prince Charles was interviewed by Ant and Dec on popular music and he said "I quite like Leonard Cohen".

  Ian Hislop : I can imagine him, late at night: "Suzanne, takes you down..." with MISERY flowing out of him.

• Ian Hislop : I'm sorry, I don't understand the game.

  Carol Vorderman : [row of random numbers]  Give me a target?

  Ian Hislop : What, a Government Target?

  Paul Merton : One you might have to fiddle with on the way...

• Paul Merton : What is the difference between aghast and agog?

  Angus Deayton : The spelling is different.

  Paul Merton : The spelling is different.

  Angus Deayton : But apart from that, they're exactly the same.

• Paul Merton : When you said you were going to enter a horse at the Grand National...

• Ian Hislop : A lot of grunt on top!

  Paul Merton : A lot of grunt on top?

  Ian Hislop : It's what people say about cars.

• Paul Merton : Nah, leave it, it's the biggest score we've ever had over that little shit over there! Sorry! Sometimes when you talk quickly you don't know what the end of the sentence is going to be! I withdraw that completely!

  Ian Hislop : Britain's wittiest man?

• Angus Deayton : Why is it misspelt?

  Paul Merton : Because some of the letters are wrong.

• Angus Deayton : You don't watch TV, do you?

  Guest : Not the Lottery, no. Old films.

  Paul Merton : Who's your favorite actor?

  Guest : Conrad Veidt.

  Paul Merton : Conrad Veidt?

  Angus Deayton : [mouths "Who?"] 

• Ian Hislop : All that happened was, we go for drinks after the show at hospitality, so I turned to her and said "We're going for a drink!" That was it! That was me being Bruno Atollellioni!

  Paul Merton : What he's not telling us is later that evening they were behind the bins at McDonald's and you couldn't separate them!

• Paul Merton : The gecko wasn't making a bazillion prank calls, though, it was an accident! And that photo has been mocked up, that's clearly a landline not an iPhone touchscreen!

  Ian Hislop : Can you say that a gecko is bad?

  Paul Merton : We know nothing about the rest of that gecko's life!

  Ian Hislop : It's just a series of value judgements.

• Jo Brand : Berlusconi was referred to as Mr Beryl Beryl.

  Paul Merton : Spontaneous poetry is what it is.

  Jo Brand : And the Archbishop of Canterbury was the Arch Bitch of Canterbury.

• Paul Merton : [mocking Boris]  Well, I, I, I, I, I...

• Paul Merton : And what's Mr Letwin doing, oh dear! He's a Womble in reverse!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was the Press's reaction to the Fenton clip?

  Paul Merton : Humanity reaches...

  Ian Hislop : Nadir?

  Paul Merton : Lowest point, we are all doomed! That got a million views? I'm in the wrong business!

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What other Animal News has there been?

  Paul Merton : Pigeon lands on roof for no reason!

  Ian Hislop : This is all that's going to be left of the Press after the Levenson Inquiry!

• Host : Can anyone tell me what Gavin the World's most sarcastic Gorilla has been up to this week?

  Paul Merton : [audience laughs just at the question]  Did he shove a Banana up Barry Watson?

  Ian Hislop : Was there a contest? Who judged him the most Sarcastic Gorilla? Were there hundreds showing up saying "Yeah..."?

• Ian Hislop : [misses his bell] 

  Paul Merton : That's the clip that'll win us the BAFTA!

• Paul Merton : FINALLY AT LAST! A LIMBO DANCING ROBOT, GET STUCK IN!

  [Sees it] 

  Paul Merton : That could be my honeymoon.

• Reginald D. Hunter : What if we got inside their heads before the game?

  Paul Merton : But would it be worth it to win over the remains of human detritus?

  Reginald D. Hunter : I'm American, I don't know any different.

• Paul Merton : You look like a Ventriloquist's Dummy in that Blazer!

  Ian Hislop : Well, I'll take that in the Spirit in which it was meant...

  Reginald D. Hunter : That's exactly what you're going to do!

• Paul Merton : We've got an Actor here who doesn't look a thing like Nick Clegg. Put a sheet over his head and let the foot do the acting.

• Grayson Perry : I blame this Brexit stuff on you lot, because you were bigging up Boris before he came to power.

  Paul Merton : Bigging up Boris?

• Guest : Oh, no, that's the other one.

  Ian Hislop : The other one? Do you mean to say there are only two footballers? And here I am trying to learn millions of them?

  Paul Merton : And when did you start this process of learning footballers?

  Ian Hislop : 10 years ago and I've got nowhere!

• Self - Guest Presenter : Will you stop talking when I'm trying to do my thing?

  Paul Merton : We'll have them separated!

  Guest : Sorry, Sir!

  Ian Hislop : Not clever or funny.

• Host : Anne Widdecome said she wouldn't be returning to Politics, she was happy with her Panto appearances.

  Ian Hislop : Have you seen her Widow Twanky?

  Paul Merton : No-one ever has...

• Bill Bailey : Not all Barn Owls are called Mr. Peters.

  Paul Merton : Where is your evidence for that?

• Paul Merton : Don't sound so surprised at your own name!

• Paul Merton : Trying to turn back time?

  David Tennant : It's an old trick.

• Paul Merton : Pigs in blankets! We didn't have this kind of food when I was a kid, we used to wrap a concrete post around a sock!

  Charlie Brooker : How do you wrap a concrete post around a sock?

  Paul Merton : Ah, that's the trick of it!

• Paul Merton : He's parked his weasels!

• Paul Merton : Don't help him! Watching Ian struggle with popular culture is one of the highlights of my life!

• Gyles Brandreth : Let's have some fun!

  Paul Merton : This is Have I got News for You, if you want fun go somewhere else!

• Paul Merton : Ian doesn't do Selfies he does Brass Rubbings!

• Paul Merton : Queen advised to give up hallucinogenic drugs by giant mushroom?

• Jo Brand : What has been criticised for looking like C3P0?

  Paul Merton : C3P0's Twin Brother?

• Guest : I'm enjoying the breeze on my nipples?

  Paul Merton : Yes, but how about doing the Caption?

• Paul Merton : Thank you for that desultry ripple of applause...

• Paul Merton : At last we've found a point to Boris Johnson, isn't that nice?

• Paul Merton : I didn't come here to be insulted! I can walk down any street in the Country for that!

• Paul Merton : You want to be shagged by a headless Corpse, is that what you're saying?

  Jo Brand : Yes, it is!

  Andy Hamilton : That's setting the bar quite low, isn't it?

  Jo Brand : Setting the bar quite low is the tragedy of fat birds!

  Ian Hislop : I thought they got shot by Prince Harry!

• Ian Hislop : I don't mean to be old-fashioned, but when the light goes on...!

  Clive Anderson : You're right, this wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

  Paul Merton : A lot of things wouldn't happen under Anne Widdecombe!

• Clive Anderson : Square dance ruined by a nasty incident with what?

  Paul Merton : A Sperm Whale and a Tin of Biscuits!

  Clive Anderson : Not quite, but considerably funnier than the real answer, a heckler!

• Paul Merton : Did you hear Salman Rushdies' quote this week? "Veils suck"!

  Ian Hislop : Yes, like a fourteen year-old on Social Media! "Whatever!"

• Paul Merton : Boris Johnson is the man to lead this country back to the 17th Century!

• Paul Merton : Put them out of their ignorance!

• Paul Merton : It's growing with every day that goes by, so won't the Crown of World's Smallest Hamster be passed eventually?

  Ian Hislop : No, it has a rare Hamster Disease so it's going to stay like that.

• Paul Merton : Who here thinks Ian is a Sex God?

  [cheers] 

  Paul Merton : It's a glorious sound, isn't it, everyone taking the piss at once? It's what the British are best at!

• Paul Merton : I think you should have a Radio Show called Boris FM where people tune in and listen to you try to construct a sentence!

• Paul Merton : Boris, can I try and put a new thought in your head?

• Paul Merton : Rick, you're talking to Boris! The normal rules of Human Engagement have been torn up!

• Boris Johnson : Oh I meant no plagiarism!

  Ian Hislop : No I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!

  Paul Merton : No one could plagiarise you Boris, you are unique!

• Paul Merton : They do Brass Rubbings of each other's Bottoms at Private Eye!

• Host : Liz Truss is the most popular Conservative.

  Paul Merton : Which shows you what the rest of them must be like!

• Paul Merton : These wonderful speeches getting a clap! "Margaret Thatcher was not Tony Blair", like it was a new thought. "Bugs Bunny was not Archimedes..."

• Host : And on that note...

  Paul Merton : [Caption Competition callback]  On what note? The note of Robin giving Batman a Blowjob?

• Richard Ayoade : A Beaver Knocker!

  Paul Merton : You'd better contextualise that!

  Richard Ayoade : I will not, Sir! Would you like to see one?

  Paul Merton : I've never seen a more miserable couple.

• Paul Merton : Destroy the World!

• Paul Merton : This is what happens! In America they Assassinate People, here we just wipe snot on their backs. Fundamentally, we're better people...

• Paul Merton : [Fourth Monkey of the Three "See no Evil, Hear no Evil, Speak no Evil" Monkeys has its paws over its crotch]  It's basically saying "Don't get Involved"!

• Paul Merton : How do you make cheese on toast? I've been putting a piece of concrete on a slice of cement!

• Guest : He pulled this Sting on Gorilla Poachers by dressing himself up as a Gorilla, selling himself to them and then jumping out of his suit to arrest them!

  Angus : You may think they're on drugs, but that's right!

  Paul Merton : No he's right, but we are on drugs! It's the only way I can put up with you, you great Ponce!

• Paul Merton : [ribbing Angus]  Don't analyse it! Because what YOU'RE doing amounts to sitting, reading!

• Guest : The Masai don't wear them. When they become warriors, they take them off.

  Paul Merton : I become a warrior every night!

• Paul Merton : Jeremy Paxman has a completely free and easy relationship with underpants.

• Ian Hislop : If it's not balanced, I'm flouncing off!

  Paul Merton : I'd like to see you flounce!

  Ian Hislop : [Flounces] 

• Spike Milligan : Man teaches Cow to drink Bathwater?

  Paul Merton : Cow teaches Man to lay down in Bath!

• Paul Merton : Hang on, the Anal Beads are telling me something.

• Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [DART hitting the Asteroid]  It's like a cup of tea's eye view of the biscuit.

  Paul Merton : A cup of tea's eye view?

  Guest : Do you work for NASA by any chance?

• Paul Merton : Did you say The Spanish Police Force?

  Ian Hislop : Nobody expects them!

• Angus : So what's with this big blue pyramid, then?

  Paul Merton : Oh, she's got this big blue pyramid that clearly has psychic properties and makes you very relaxed.

• Paul Merton : Old Paddy McGinty, Irishman of note, came into a Fortune and he bought himself a Goat. That was Paddy McGinty's Goat, did you know that one?

  Angus : [sheepishly]  No.

• Ian Hislop : They gave him the ashes of his dog in a coffee jar.

  Paul Merton : Instant dog, just add water!

• Paul Merton : Did you insert a sausage into King George the Third?

• Paul Merton : He heard a noise coming from the boot: Crackin' Cheese, Gromit!

• Paul Merton : Why were they open-mouthed? Was someone chucking sweets?

  Ian Hislop : They were asleep, it's the House of Lords!

  Angus Deayton : They were aghast.

  Paul Merton : Oh, they were aghast.

  Angus Deayton : Surprised, yes.

  Paul Merton : Were they agog?

  Angus Deayton : Slightly agog.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between aghast and agog?

  Angus Deayton : The spelling is different!

  Paul Merton : The spelling is different, yeah.

  Angus Deayton : But apart from that they're exactly the same.

  Paul Merton : What's the difference between being ironic and being sardonic? I don't know that one, either.

  Angus Deayton : They're spelt differently as well.

  Paul Merton : Because you can have irony but you don't have sardony, do you?

  Angus Deayton : No, it is curious, it's always bothered me, that!

  Maureen Lipman : Why do they say Cheap at Half the Price? If something's Cheap at Half the Price, it should be Cheap at Twice the Price!

  Paul Merton : And I see these Supermarket Signs that say "Automatic Door, Push Button!"

  Maureen Lipman : And why is mishap not spelt miss-hap?

  Paul Merton : And why doesn't doing sound like doing?

  Angus Deayton : And why are wrong numbers never engaged?

• Angus Deayton : Aida!

  Paul Merton : I beg your pardon? What you do in your private life is no concern of mine! Long as she's happy...

• Kirsty Wark : Well, he's got a tiny penis. The fig leaf isn't very big, look!

  Paul Merton : You've been spoiled, you have!

• Jack Dee : With us tonight is Marcus Ber- Ah bollocks!

  Paul Merton : Marcus Bergbollocks? Any relation of the Hampshire Bergbollockses?

• Paul Merton : Are you still here?

  Ian Hislop : Unlike you, next week!

• Paul Merton : I think the Express had the Headline Pope dies Again!

• Paul Merton : How do you release a Condiment? Go! Be Free!

• Paul Merton : Fascist!

• Paul Merton : The baby has grown up into a disappointing, awkward adult.

• Steph McGovern : The question was raised by a Viscount. Must be interesting being asked something by a Biscuit!

  Paul Merton : My favorite joke of the show, so far!

• Liz Truss : This Winter I'll be in Beijing, opening up new PORK MARKETS!

  Paul Merton : She has fun on her holidays, doesn't she?

• Paul Merton : I think the People of Britain would prefer me to focus on the missing words round.

• Paul Merton : [T-Shirt: Turn Over at 11] 

• Paul Merton : They're pushing for a Euroduck. Ducks are to be standardised in all Countries.

• Host : This is a Naked Man with a Duck covering his Genitals. A Stuffed Duck.

  Paul Merton : Could I point out that the Duck is not covering its own Genitals?

• Paul Merton : I hope that was clapping!

• Paul Merton : The answer is I don't know and I don't care!

  Richard Ayoade : I'm pretending!

• Paul Merton : Can we change the title of this show to who gives a fuck?

• Host : [Tetris Blazer]  I've actually got my muff out on TV and had a smear test! I've won a BAFTA for that!

  Paul Merton : This isn't Loose Women!

  Ian Hislop : No, there are people watching!

  Host : Ooooooh! The shit's hitting the fan, now!

• Paul Merton : [Cerne Abbas]  What shall we remove, the Penis or the Giant? Just leave the Penis there?

• Host : Human beings have never been less hairy since the trend for body shaving started in ancient Rome, with the Pubic Wars...

  Ian Hislop : Until the Wax Romana!

  [Claps] 

  Ian Hislop : Now that was grudging!

  Paul Merton : Joining in in bewilderment! At least it was in Latin...