Have I Got News for You (1990– )

David Mitchell: Self - Guest Presenter, Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• David Mitchell : The term "Essex Girl" is now in the Dictionary, defined as "A girl born in Essex who is typically considered as being unintelligent, materialistic, devoid of taste and sexually promiscuous". Why would anyone have a problem with that?

• David Mitchell : The Campaigners say that Essex Girls are Pigeonholed. I've never heard it called that before.

• David Mitchell : That's not how it works, it's in the Dictionary because it's a term people use, we can't take the word "poo" out of the Dictionary because people don't like being reminded of poo, and just have words like "flower" and "peacefully".

• Ian Hislop : Why should anyone listen to Gove anymore?

  David Mitchell : There's something magnetic about his loathsomeness. He's like the Bond Villain who's about to get dissolved in acid.

• David Mitchell : Does Winnie the Pooh have a Vitamin B12 Deficiency?

  Andy Hamilton : He is rather sluggish, isn't he? Wouldn't he get it from the honey?

  David Mitchell : Maybe that's why he craves it so.

  Andy Hamilton : I think Tigger's Bipolar.

• David Mitchell : [Google Books' digital errors]  Here's another one: "She flung her anus around his neck..."

• David Mitchell : [Google Books digital errors]  "He paid tribute to the dead Captain, who had been one of his Comrades in Anus."

• Sarah Millican : [Police raid on Parliamentary Office]  It's a bit like school, isn't it? Well, it is, cos it's like someone's put a photo of someone's bum on the headmaster's desk, and they've said whose is this? And now we're trying to find out who put it there, everyone's saying "It wasn't me"...

  Paul Merton : Are bums like fingerprints, every one is different?

  David Mitchell : They discovered the bum print a long time before the fingerprint, the police are just too embarrassed to use it.

  Sarah Millican : You need a big inkpad as well, to get on it.

  Andy Hamilton : Not every criminal is going to leave a bum print.

  Paul Merton : You've got to think ahead and put a photocopier in the corner of the room, as a temptation for them.

• David Mitchell : That the day should arrive when someone on the telly should imply that the Queen is not immortal!

• David Mitchell : She's a Dog Hypnotist. What will she do for £60?

  Paul Merton : Take your poodle back to a previous life?

• David Mitchell : When the Edstone appeared on the screen, one Labour Press Officer stood up and started screaming. Just screaming.

• David Mitchell : My favorite so far is "Dirty Brexit".

• David Mitchell : There are no nipples. There are no buttocks.

• David Mitchell : This plays into my Wasp Cake Theory.

• David Mitchell : So who else has been the subject of a Petition this week?

  Guest : The strangely named Tyson Fury, who believes that homosexuals are pedophiles and women are better to be in the kitchen.

  Andy Hamilton : For a boxer he's not strangely named! He's name after that well known wife beater Mike Tyson. Don't broadcast that, he might be watching.

  Guest : He was up for Sports Personality of the Year, now was he ever going to win, that's the thing.

  David Mitchell : Over 100,000 people signed a Petition asking he be removed from the shortlist.

  Ian Hislop : It's an unfortunate immediate reaction to everything you don't like: Just Ban it! You could argue against it, or point out it's wrong or listen to it, but no, just Ban it!

  Andy Hamilton : He is a boxer, he gets hit in the head for a living! I'm not sure that the intellectual expectation... don't broadcast this either!

  David Mitchell : What did he actually say, Fury?

  Andy Hamilton : Homosexuals and Pedophiles, that needs to be sorted before the End of the World. So he's put a kind of deadline on it. And he said women belong in the kitchen or on their backs.

  Paul Merton : That makes cooking quite difficult, doesn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : It does!

  Paul Merton : One of those low level ovens I suppose. I mean, she'd have to be up for it...

  David Mitchell : Fury said there are only three things that need to be accomplished before the Devil Comes Home: one is homosexuality being legal, one is abortion, the other is pedophilia. Quite a dark remark, isn't it?

  Andy Hamilton : Although he is rather positive about it, there are ONLY three, he says.

  David Mitchell : I didn't realise that the Devil lived here!

  Paul Merton : He had a place in Luton, didn't he?

• David Mitchell : Would you like to see some Vegan Butter that looks like Trump? Here you go.

• David Mitchell : I have no idea what that means. May you enjoy it.

• David Mitchell : I don't know what you people want!

• David Mitchell : Statue of Jesus in Mexico mocked for looking like Phil Collins.

  Ian Hislop : It's quite good, really, it's Genesis!

• David Mitchell : If there's anything to be learned from looking at television and looking at the viewing figures, it's that people like watching real crap.

• David Mitchell : Mum, I've accidentally done what?

  Paul Merton : Shoved an ice cube up a squirrel?

• David Mitchell : You might say that a horse's arse is more flirtatious, though.

• David Mitchell : The gecko kept calling but had nothing of interest to say.

• David Mitchell : You don't know what it's like to stare at a prize winning carrot on your own.

• David Mitchell : The Cosmonauts were each given a flower, except for Mr Wang.

  Guest : What did Mr Wang do?

• David Mitchell : You've got to think, someone who could pick the perfect shirt would not be as good at the Science. I mean, maybe there are such people, like James Bond...