Seinfeld (1989–1998)
Jason Alexander: George Costanza
Photos
Quotes
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Cosmo Kramer : You're wasting your life.
George Costanza : I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer : OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : You got money?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have a woman?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza : Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza : No.
Cosmo Kramer : Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza : I like to get the Daily News.
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George Costanza : It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
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George Costanza : I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual."
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Cosmo Kramer : Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George Costanza : That's unbelievable!
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George Costanza : You ran?
Cosmo Kramer : No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it!"
George Costanza : Holy cow!
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy."
Cosmo Kramer : [Kramer throws two punches and an uppercut] Knocked him out cold!
George Costanza : How could you do that?
Cosmo Kramer : Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry : Wow.
George Costanza : You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry : You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, people kept ringing the bell!
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George Costanza : Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. THAT'S a fantasy camp.
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George Costanza : What gives you pleasure?
Jerry : Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
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George Costanza : Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
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George Costanza : Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?
Jerry : Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.
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George Costanza : The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry : Mammal.
George Costanza : Whatever.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, what did you do next?
George Costanza : Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer : What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer : Hole in one, huh?
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George Costanza : My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
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Cosmo Kramer : [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza : [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer : No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza : [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
[falls down]
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, no problem.
[hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer : How did you know who that was?
Jerry : [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?
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George Costanza : I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
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George Costanza : And as punishment, I should get to sleep with Elaine.
Jerry : That's not punishing me, that's punishing Elaine. And cruelly, I might add...
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George Costanza : Well, I heard a noise.
Jerry : What noise?
George Costanza : You know, blah...
Jerry : What blah?
George Costanza : From the bathroom.
Jerry : Oh, you think she was refunding?
George Costanza : Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's running to the bathroom.
Elaine : So you're concerned?
George Costanza : Elaine, of course I'm concerned... I'm payin' for those meals! It's like throwing money down the toilet!
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George Costanza : You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
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Mr. Lippman : It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza : Who said that?
Mr. Lippman : She did.
George Costanza : [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman : You're fired!
George Costanza : Well, you didn't have to say it like that.
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George Costanza : So, did you get your new plates?
Cosmo Kramer : Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George Costanza : What do they say?
Cosmo Kramer : Assman.
Jerry : Assman?
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
Jerry : Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George Costanza : Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry : It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry : Yeah. Proctologist.
George Costanza : Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Cosmo Kramer : Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
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George Costanza : [George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?
Jerry : No, what happened to you?
George Costanza : All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry : I'm Vandelay Industries?
George Costanza : Right.
Jerry : What is that?
George Costanza : You're in latex.
Jerry : What do I do with latex?
George Costanza : I don't know, you manufacture it.
Elaine : Right here in this little apartment?
Jerry : And what do I say about you?
George Costanza : You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry : I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George Costanza : Because I asked you to.
Jerry : If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.
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George Costanza : George is gettin' upset!
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George Costanza : Only I could fail at failing.
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George Costanza : Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
Jerry : Those belong to people.
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George Costanza : Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
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Lloyd Braun : You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George Costanza : What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd Braun : What do you think put me there?
George Costanza : I heard they found a family in your freezer.
Lloyd Braun : Serenity now. Insanity later.
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Cosmo Kramer : No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza : How good of a look did you get?
Jerry : What do you mean?
George Costanza : Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry : They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
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George Costanza : You don't think she'd yada yada sex?
Elaine : [raising hand] I've yada yada'ed sex.
George Costanza : Really?
Elaine : Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry : But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine : No, I mentioned the bisque.
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George Costanza : I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
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[talking about being on the dating scene]
Estelle Costanza : Well, I'm out there, George.
George Costanza : No, you're not out there.
Estelle Costanza : I am, too.
George Costanza : You're not out there! You can't be, because *I* am out there. And if I see *you* out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
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Ronnie : [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza : You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.
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[George is wearing prescription goggles]
George Costanza : I got to get out of this city.
Jerry : So you're tunnelling to the center of the earth?
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[George sees two women holding hands]
George Costanza : [to himself] Ooh, a lesbian sighting. They're so fascinating, why is that? Because they don't want us. You've got to respect that.
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Cushman : Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza : Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman : Go on.
George Costanza : All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman : Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza : Of course.
Cushman : My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza : I am different, yeah.
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George Costanza : Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry : They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George Costanza : How do you know?
Jerry : Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments.
George Costanza : Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.
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Frank Costanza : [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza : What is that?
Frank Costanza : Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza : Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza : The man on the tape wasn't specific.
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Jerry : You got the job?
George Costanza : Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there, th-they're treating me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry : Ho-Hold on, they think you're handicapped?
George Costanza : Yeah, yeah. Yeah well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me.
Jerry : Ho-How can you do this?
George Costanza : Look, Jerry let's face it. I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it.
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Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner : Nice to meet you.
George Costanza : Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner : Hire this man!
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George Costanza : What kind of a person are you?
Jerry : I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
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George Costanza : I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry : Cheapness is not a sense.
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George Costanza : No, that's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there.
Jerry : They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, blackberry.
George Costanza : Blackberry, boysenberry.
Jerry : Boysenberry, huckleberry.
George Costanza : Huckleberry, raspberry.
Jerry : Raspberry, strawberry.
George Costanza : Strawberry, cranberry.
Jerry : [pause] Peach.
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[Kramer wants to use George's car to rescue a "pig-man" from the hospital]
Cosmo Kramer : You got room for the pig-man?
George Costanza : The pig-man can take the bus.
Cosmo Kramer : You know, if the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride.
George Costanza : How do you know? What if Pigman had a two-seater?
Cosmo Kramer : Be realistic George.
[scoffs]
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Mr. Ross : I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza : Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.
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[phone rings and George's answering machine comes on while he's home]
George Costanza : Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
[beep]
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George Costanza : [Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.
Jerry : I think she saw it coming.
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[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza : Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza : It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter : Now, who are you again?
George Costanza : George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams : Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza : Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter : We won the World Series.
George Costanza : In six games.
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George Costanza : I'm speechless. I have no speech.
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[discussing George's ATM code]
Jerry : Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?
George Costanza : I am not giving you my code.
Cosmo Kramer : I'll bet I can guess it.
George Costanza : Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you?
George Costanza : Huh?
Cosmo Kramer : You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George Costanza : Get out of here.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George Costanza : I'm leaving.
Cosmo Kramer : [building up steam as George bolts for the door] No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George Costanza : I gotta go.
Cosmo Kramer : If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George Costanza : Shut up!
Cosmo Kramer : Nestlé's Quik!
George Costanza : Shut up!
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Aldon Benes : Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza : [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry : I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza : No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes : We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.
[long pause]
Aldon Benes : There's nothing funny about that.
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George Costanza : I gotta call Elaine.
Jerry : She's out.
George Costanza : Oh, yeah. The blind date.
Jerry : They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
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George Costanza : And to think I'd fail at failing...
Jerry : Aw, come on, now.
George Costanza : I feel like I cant do anything wrong.
Jerry : Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
George Costanza : You think so?
Jerry : Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
George Costanza : Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again.
Jerry : That's the spirit. You suck.
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[at a New York Marathon party]
Jerry : [discussing the possibility of Elaine moving into Jerry's building] You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it.
[Points to himself]
Jerry : This is an idiot.
George Costanza : Is that right?
[showing him up]
George Costanza : I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Roxanne : [yelling out the window] You're all winners!
George Costanza : But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...
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George Costanza : I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry : Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
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George Costanza : A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman is in love with me and I throw it all away. Now I will spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment, watching basketball games, eating Chinese takeout, walking around with no underwear because I'm too lazy to do the laundry.
Jerry : You walk around with no underwear.
George Costanza : Ya, what do you do when you run out of laundry?
Jerry : I do a wash.
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George Costanza : You're gonna over-dry your laundry.
Jerry : You can't over-dry.
George Costanza : Why not?
Jerry : Same reason you can't over-wet. You see, when something's wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Let's say you drop dead and i shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't over-die, you can't over-dry.
George Costanza : Any questions?
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Russell Dalrymple : So, what have you guys come up with?
Jerry : Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...
George Costanza : May I...?
Jerry : Go ahead.
George Costanza : I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell Dalrymple : Nothing?
George Costanza : Nothing!
Russell Dalrymple : What does that mean?
George Costanza : The show is about nothing!
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Jerry : [Jerry, & George are talking at the bar. Marla & Stacy are at the other end of the bar. Jerry used to date Marla, so he greets her and she walks over to talk to George & Jerry] Marla!
Marla Penny : Jerry!
Jerry : George, Marla.
George Costanza : Marla.
Marla Penny : George. Jerry, Stacy.
Jerry : Stacy.
Stacy : Jerry.
Jerry : George, Stacy.
George Costanza : Stacy.
Stacy : George.
Jerry : George.
George Costanza : Jerry, Marla. Stacy!
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[two noisy people behind him in cinema]
Corinne : George maybe we should move away.
George Costanza : That won't be necessary.
[Stands up and turns around to address the noise-makers]
George Costanza : Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie. And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like. Do you understand me? Now, shut your mouths or else I'll shut them for you... and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because, I would LOVE IT!
[Applause]
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Jerry : You know it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Costanza : Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.
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Noel : I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza : You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel : And you're going to need it...
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Jerry : Patty wants me to be more emotional and express my feelings.
George Costanza : What do you care what she thinks?
Jerry : Good body.
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George Costanza : Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...
Jerry : That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends.
[pauses]
Jerry : Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...
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[pretending they haven't seen each other in years]
George Costanza : So, what've you been doing with yourself?
Jerry : I'm a comedian.
George Costanza : Yeah, well... I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor.
Jerry : Yeah, yeah...
[long pause]
Jerry : Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
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George Costanza : I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, man! No! George, we gotta get you out of here. Get out right now. They'll kill you.
Jerry : It's routine surgery.
Cosmo Kramer : Oh, yeah? My friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, routine surgery. Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going
[high-pitched voice]
Cosmo Kramer : "My name is Bob!"
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George Costanza : I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.
Jerry : I never had a really good pickle.
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[talking about his love of the word "manure"]
George Costanza : When you consider the other choices, "manure" is actually pretty refreshing.
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George Costanza : Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?
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George Costanza : I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry : You have made some good exits.
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George Costanza : I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
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Jerry : Where's Marcy?
George Costanza : She went shopping for some shoes for the wedding, and yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.
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George Costanza : [seeing Elaine's dance at an office party] "Sweet fancy Moses"
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George Costanza : She's got a little Marissa Tomei thing goin' on.
Jerry : Ah, too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing goin' on.
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Elaine : You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
George Costanza : It doesn't help.
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[Kramer walks in with cigars]
Cosmo Kramer : Hey, boys. Here you go. It's celebration time.
George Costanza : Why?
Cosmo Kramer : You remember that coffee table book I wrote?
Jerry : Yeah.
Cosmo Kramer : Well, the company sold the movie rights to it.
George Costanza : How are they going to make that book into a movie?
Cosmo Kramer : You remember that toy ray gun book? "Independence Day".
Jerry : Oh. So, how much are they paying you?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, let's just say that I won't have to work for a long, LONG time.
Jerry : That's funny. Because I haven't seen you work in a long, LONG time.
Cosmo Kramer : I'm officially retired.
Jerry : From what?
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George Costanza : I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry : You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...
George Costanza : Yes, yes, yes...
Jerry : The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...
George Costanza : Okay, the point is made.
Jerry : The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen...
[George leaves]
Jerry : The bad tipper!
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George Costanza : You could always move in with my parents.
Elaine : Was that the OPPOSITE of what you were going to say? Or was that your instinct?
George Costanza : Instinct.
Elaine : Stick with the opposite.
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George Costanza : I've discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex... *fugitive sex*. Now, it's like every time
[Jerry interrupts]
Jerry : George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex... I've got a cockfight to focus on.
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Cosmo Kramer : I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza : He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine : What does that mean?
George Costanza : Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.
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George Costanza : She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry : Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George Costanza : That, or "Who's bra is this?"
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Jerry : [George comes out of the doctor's office looking puzzled] So how was it?
George Costanza : I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything: touch this / feel that, 75 bucks.
Jerry : Well, its a first visit.
George Costanza : Well, its 75 bucks. What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.
[long pause]
George Costanza : I'm only paying half.
Jerry : You can't do that.
George Costanza : Why not?
Jerry : He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
George Costanza : Oh no, no, no, no, no. I pay what I say.
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George Costanza : So I tell her, 'I think I should leave now'. And she looks at me surprised as if she couldn't understand what had just happened and why I was leaving... The only excuse that I could fathom would be acceptable is to tell her that I am indeed Batman, and I'm sorry I just saw that Bat signal out the window.
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George Costanza : I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry : Elaine danced?
George Costanza : More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.
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George Costanza : I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
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George Costanza : I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine : Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George Costanza : If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
-
George Costanza : You're really moving to California?
Cosmo Kramer : [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
-
George Costanza : I love you, Jer.
Jerry : Right back at you, slick.
-
George Costanza : When she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Neurotic, paranoid, totally inadequate, completely insecure. It's a pleasure.
-
George Costanza : I like DeSoto.
Jerry : DeSoto? What did he do?
George Costanza : He discovered Mississippi.
Jerry : Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
-
George Costanza : You're killing independent George.
-
Cosmo Kramer : Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza : Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer : [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza : [looks at Kramer] What?
[both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry : I'm too tired.
-
[the last lines of dialogue of the last show are the same as the first lines of dialogue of the pilot]
Jerry : See, now to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George Costanza : Really?
Jerry : Oh, yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land.
George Costanza : Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry : You think?
George Costanza : I think we have.
Jerry : Yeah, maybe we have.
-
George Costanza : But I really want to leave my mark this time. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve?
Jerry : So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
George Costanza : Flame on.
-
[George is on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine]
Jerry : [taps machine] I think the candy comes out over there.
George Costanza : People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry : Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying face-down in filth.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I bought a chicken.
George Costanza : [to Jerry] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
George Costanza : Why?
Cosmo Kramer : Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry : [to George] Allow me.
[to Kramer]
Jerry : What are you, an idiot?
-
[George's new self-appointed nickname is T-Bone]
Jerry : Why not "G-Bone"?
George Costanza : There's no G-Bone.
Jerry : There's a g-spot.
George Costanza : HEY. That's a myth.
-
[Elaine changes the presets on Puddy's car]
George Costanza : So did you give that radio the ol' switcheroo?
Elaine : I did.
Jerry : And the Christian rock?
Elaine : Resurrected.
-
George Costanza : Here's the outlet.
Slippery Pete : The what?
George Costanza : The outlet. Where the electricity comes from.
Slippery Pete : Oh, you mean the holes.
-
George Costanza : Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Cosmo Kramer : Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?
-
[George is eating all the shrimp]
Riley : Hey George, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp.
George Costanza : Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Riley : What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
George Costanza : Yeah well... I had sex with your wife.
Board member : His wife is in a coma.
-
George Costanza : I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
-
George Costanza : Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine : What do you mean? Like laundry?
George Costanza : No.
Jerry : Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine : It shrinks?
Jerry : Like a frigthened turtle.
Elaine : Why does it shrink?
George Costanza : It just does.
Elaine : I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
-
[George trying to find a parking space]
Elaine : Why don't you park in a garage?
George Costanza : ...Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free.
-
George Costanza : I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
-
George Costanza : It's just that it's been so long since I've seen you.
Susan Biddle Ross : And you didn't expect to see me holding hands with a woman.
George Costanza : Oh, that. I think that's great. I'm all for experimentation - I'm the first guy in the pool. Who do you think you're talking to?
Susan Biddle Ross : I know who I'm talking to.
George Costanza : Of course you do.
-
[Susan has become a lesbian]
George Costanza : About your... metamorphosis. When did it happen?
Susan Biddle Ross : About right after I broke up with you.
-
George Costanza : [about a nice, new apartment that Jerry's thinking of getting] Listen, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all... *at all*... Do not feel like you have to take it.
Jerry : Why?
George Costanza : If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want it, don't worry about it... because, uh, you know... I-I-I could take it, you know.
Jerry : You could take it? You want it?
George Costanza : No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry : So you... *do* want it?
George Costanza : No, I want it if you don't want it.
Jerry : You just said you wanted it!
George Costanza : No. I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you didn't want it, I might take it.
-
George Costanza : You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry : To Latvian Orthodox?
George Costanza : Yeah, why not, what do I care...
Jerry : Ya know, it's not like changing toothpastes.
Elaine : I think it would be romantic.
George Costanza : Really?
Elaine : Yeah, it's like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George Costanza : King Edward.
[snapping fingers]
George Costanza : Like King Edward, Jerry!
Jerry : Yeah well King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
-
Jerry : A house in the Hamptons?
George Costanza : Yeah. I figured since I was lying about my income for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
-
George Costanza : What about being a sports commentator? You know how I always make those witty comments during a game?
Jerry : You do make good comments.
George Costanza : So?
Jerry : Well, they generally give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people, you know, in broadcasting.
George Costanza : [pause] Well that's really not fair.
Jerry : I know.
-
George Costanza : Come on, Jerry, you know how these inter-office politics work.
Jerry : I've never had a job.
-
George Costanza : You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry : You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about him.
George Costanza : All right, Superman's the exception.
-
Jerry : Why didn't you tell her your code?
George Costanza : I can't give away my code to her.
Jerry : George, you're gonna marry this woman... probably.
George Costanza : No way. The bank clearly says "Don't give away your code to anyone".
Jerry : So, you're taking relationship advice from "Chemical Bank" now?
George Costanza : Why does it always have to be "us"? Why can't there be a little "me"? Is that so selfish?
Jerry : Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
-
Jerry : So you're upset that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to brainwash you.
George Costanza : They could've at least tried...
-
[George is buying invitations]
Sales Clerk : Have you been in here before?
George Costanza : About a year ago. Wedding invitations.
Sales Clerk : How did that work out?
George Costanza : No complaints.
-
Jerry : George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George Costanza : A man carries a wallet.
Jerry : You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm on to something.
-
[George collides with an Andrea Doria survivor]
Cosmo Kramer : The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 20 miles off the cost of Nantucket.
George Costanza : How do you know?
Cosmo Kramer : It's in my book, "Astonishing Tales Of The Sea". 51 people died.
George Costanza : 51 people? I thought it was more like 1000.
Cosmo Kramer : There were 1,560 survivors.
George Costanza : That's no tragedy. How many people do you lose on a normal cruise? 30?
-
George Costanza : I got to go home and take a nap.
Jerry : It's 10:30 in the morning.
George Costanza : I'll tell you, I am wiped.
-
[Kramer starts the Peterman Reality Tour]
George Costanza : I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Cosmo Kramer : Talk to me.
George Costanza : But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Cosmo Kramer : [to Jerry] Understand?
Jerry : Yeah. It's $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
-
[George and Kramer are going to test Kramer's bladder system]
George Costanza : Did you get the video camera?
Jerry : Yeah, I got a three hour tape. That should be enough to cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial.
Cosmo Kramer : You let out one emotion, and all the rest will follow. Just like Andora's box.
Jerry : That was the mother on "Bewitched." I think you mean "Pandora."
Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, well, she had one too.
-
George Costanza : I ate that entire platter. Had to call in sick today.
Jerry : Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
George Costanza : Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing, we don't care... and it shows.
-
Kruger : The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?
George Costanza : Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane.
[everyone begins laughing]
George Costanza : Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.
-
Jerry : Who knows where she gets any of those losers...
George Costanza : You're on that list.
-
George Costanza : They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.
Jerry : Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.
-
[after a long discussion about Pez]
George Costanza : What's a three-letter word for "candy"?
Jerry : I can't do those things.
-
George Costanza : You've got to apologize.
Jerry : Why?
George Costanza : Because its the mature and adult thing to do.
Jerry : How does that affect me?
-
George Costanza : All my life, I've wanted to make a great entrance.
Jerry : You've made some fine exits.
-
George Costanza : You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me: I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
-
George Costanza : [upset] Now because of that stupid rye bread I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life!
Jerry : [quietly, sipping coffee] Bad situation...
-
Jerry : But are you still master of your domain?
George Costanza : I'm king of the county. You?
Jerry : I'm lord of the manor.
-
Susan Biddle Ross : I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza : Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross : Why?
George Costanza : I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."
-
George Costanza : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult?
Elaine : Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy
Jerry : Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?
Elaine : Listen to me you, little shi...
George Costanza : Smile!
[And takes a picture of them]
-
Elaine : Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.
George Costanza : Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand it probably wouldn't cost me any money.
-
George Costanza : [while waiting in a restaurant, Elaine refuses a bet of $50 to walk over to a table full of strangers and start eating an egg roll] For fifty bucks I'd put my face in their soup and blow.
-
[about George Steinbrenner]
George Costanza : He fires people like it's a bodily function!
-
George Costanza : Why are you home? You're supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.
Newman : Well, I saw that it's raining outside, so I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George Costanza : But... you're a mailman! 'Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow... ' It's the first one!
Newman : I've never been much for credos.
George Costanza : But I'm paying you!
Newman : Hey, thanks!
-
Jerry : The sex is unbelieveable. I was like an animal, just completely uninhibitted.
George Costanza : Like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.
Jerry : [short pause] It's not like that at all!
-
George Costanza : There is no bigger loser than me!
-
George Costanza : Don't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.
Jerry : Really, how?
George Costanza : Because it's all in the greeting. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.
Jerry : Right.
George Costanza : Anything in the lip area is good.
Jerry : Lip area, yeah.
George Costanza : A hug, definitely good.
Jerry : Hug is good. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart.
George Costanza : Those are brutal.
Jerry : You know how they do that.
George Costanza : Also, you know a shake is bad.
Jerry : Right a shake is bad. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes.
George Costanza : The hand sandwich.
Jerry : Right.
George Costanza : Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.
George Costanza : The surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn't in the manual.
-
George Costanza : [talking about Eldridge's ordeal on the Andrea Doria] Even if he did suffer, that was 40 years ago. What has he done for me lately? I have been suffering for the last 30 years, up to and including yesterday!
-
George Costanza : I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner.
-
George Costanza : I don't even like Drake.
Jerry : You don't like The Drake?
George Costanza : I hate The Drake.
Elaine : I loooooove The Drake!
Jerry : How could you not like The Drake?
George Costanza : Who's The Drake?
Elaine : Who's The Drake!
Jerry : The Drake is good.
-
George Costanza : Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
Jerry : And if you do?
George Costanza : Well, I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this.
-
George Costanza : I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry : Really?
George Costanza : That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me." What am I, in a circus?
-
Cosmo Kramer : [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!
Jerry : [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!
George Costanza : No! No!
Jerry : No steam!
Cosmo Kramer : Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!
-
George Costanza : [referring to the mystery of his damaged briefcase] This thing is like an onion: the more layers you peel, the more it stinks!
-
George Costanza : I was raised to say 'God bless you.'
Jerry : [sneezes]
George Costanza : Ah, shut up!
-
George Costanza : I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
Jerry : Yeah. That's what you did.
-
George Costanza : You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!
Jerry : What does that even mean?
-
George Costanza : [singing to himself to tune of "Everybody's Talkin'" from Midnight Cowboy] Everybody's talkin' at me, I can't hear a word they're sayin'... Just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...
-
Jerry : [On phone] Hello?
Elaine : So how's it going with my friend?
Jerry : She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
George Costanza : [Sometime later] So you slept with her?
Jerry : She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, so I let her stay over.
George Costanza : And you automatically sleep with her?
Jerry : I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of...
George Costanza : Finished your thought.
Jerry : Yeah.
-
George Costanza : So you really think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias? This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
Jerry : Maybe.
George Costanza : This is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was on Long Island.
-
Jerry : The answering machine is like a relationship barometer.
George Costanza : What IS a barometer?
Cosmo Kramer : It's pronounced thermometer.
-
Cosmo Kramer : I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza : Stink eye?
Jerry : Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer : EVIL eye.
-
George Costanza : I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner in there.
-
[At the diner]
George Costanza : Are you going to eat that?
[takes a bite]
George Costanza : Hmmm.
Jerry : Oh, my god. Don't you realize what happened? Because you started eating while having sex, you associate food with orgasms.
George Costanza : Are you going to eat that?
Jerry : No. And I hope that's all you're going to do with it.
-
Jerry : Your back hurts because of your wallet. It's huge.
George Costanza : This isn't just my wallet. It's an organizer, a memory and an old friend.
Jerry : Well, your friend is morbidly obese.
George Costanza : Well, at least I don't carry a purse.
Jerry : It's not a purse, it's European.
-
George Costanza : In high school it was always "Bonjour, le George", "How's it going le George?", "Hey, let's stuff le George in le locker".
-
[George peed in a public shower]
George Costanza : It's not good to hold it in. I read that in a medical journal.
Jerry : Did the medical journal mention anything about standing in a pool of somebody else's urine?
-
Elaine : A gigolo? Did I drive you to this kind of lifestyle?
George Costanza : Yes, you. You and every woman like you.
-
Jerry : So, did they get tired of Koko yet?
George Costanza : Oh yeah.
[holds up a baseball t-shirt that reads "KOKO 00"]
Jerry : Zero zero?
George Costanza : That's ooo. As in ooo-ooo-aaa-aaa.
-
George Costanza : I answered a personals ad from the Daily Worker.
Jerry : The Daily Worker has personals?
George Costanza : And - get this - they said that appearance wasn't important.
Jerry : Yours or hers?
-
George Costanza : [talking about his whale expedition] So I reached in... felt around... and pulled out the obstruction.
[pulls out a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer : Is that a Titleist? Well a hole in one, huh.
-
[George wants the nickname "T-Bone"]
George Costanza : Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. From now on, I will be known as...
Kruger : Koko the Monkey.
-
Cosmo Kramer : You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza : What's that?
Cosmo Kramer : People who glitter.
-
Jerry : Well, maybe Kruger wasn't for you.
George Costanza : But they seemed so disorganized...
-
[everybody at Kruger is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Kruger : Hey, George. Merry Christmas. Here you go.
[gives George his gift]
George Costanza : Thank you, sir. Here's your gift.
Kruger : [takes envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund"?... Whatever.
George Costanza : Exactly.
-
[George is thinking of starting his own charity]
George Costanza : This could be my chance to give something back.
Jerry : You want to give something back, start with the $20,000.
-
Jerry : No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seeing a prostitute.
George Costanza : How much are you paying this maid?
Jerry : $40.
George Costanza : $40? I pay my maid $60, she doesn't do my laundry, and I'm gettin' nothing.
-
[George is talking about himself in the third person]
George Costanza : I think it's time for George's lunch.
George Steinbrenner : Yes, it is. Let's see what I got today. Ham and cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I love that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me.
-
Jerry : So how's the fornicating gourmet?
George Costanza : Doing quite well. Yesterday for lunch, I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie. Now, if I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.
Jerry : George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
-
Jerry : I think that's what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
George Costanza : What is a gander, anyway?
Jerry : It's a goose that's had the ol' switcheroo pulled on it.
-
Jerry : You with these too?
George Costanza : I just cut a deal with Jimmy. We're going to import a case of them together. And Jimmy's got a proven sales method - he jumps.
Jerry : Jimmy's got a backer. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmy and George are going to get rich.
-
George Costanza : And I got a job interview. It's in sports.
Jerry : Mets? Rangers?
George Costanza : Playground equipment.
Jerry : Welcome back to the show.
-
Jerry : Oh right, the new job. How is it?
George Costanza : I love it. New office, new salary, I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry : So who's the new you?
George Costanza : We got an intern from Francis-Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.
-
George Costanza : We think it was Saddam Hussein, but he had a British accent, so we're not sure.
-
George Costanza : Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.
-
[George has talked his girlfriend Audrey into getting a nose job]
George Costanza : I'm goin' straight to hell, there's no two ways about it.
Jerry : It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into some bad dudes.
