Columbo (TV Series)

Columbo Goes to College (1990)

Peter Falk: Columbo

Quotes 

• Lt. Columbo : Well, sometimes, when you know something, it's better to keep it to yourself. You don't have to blab everything right away. Wait. Who knows what will happen? Timing. That's important. And lucky. You got to be lucky.

• Ollie Sachs : Uh, Lieutenant, in trying to solve a murder case, do the police ever make up evidence that, in fact, they don't really have.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, that's been known to happen.

  Ollie Sachs : Well, have you ever done it?

  Lt. Columbo : Well, recently, I was in an attorney's office. And he wasn't there. And it turns out that the secretary was in the ladies' room. So I took advantage of this moment of privacy to go into his inner office and go through his wastewater basket. I was looking for a piece of gum. And I found it.

  Justin Rowe : [to Cooper]  I wonder who his tailor is.

  Lt. Columbo : And I wanted to match the bite marks in that piece of gum with the bite marks on a piece of cheese that I found at the scene of the crime.

  Ollie Sachs : Yeah, but it--it... Excuse me, though, Lieutenant. That's different. See, in that case, you didn't make up anything, any evidence. That isn't really what I was asking.

  Lt. Columbo : I know what you're asking. I'm trying to avoid the question.

  [laughter] 

  Ollie Sachs : Sorry.

  Lt. Columbo : Let me put it this way: I follow my nose. And when I give the scent, there's very little that I wouldn't do in order to solve the case.

  Sara : Do you have any advice for a young detective?

  Lt. Columbo : I would say don't talk too much.

  Sara : Don't talk too much?

  Lt. Columbo : But sometimes when you know something, it's better you keep it to yourself. You don't have to blab everything right away. Wait. Who knows what will happen. Timing, that's important, and luck. You got to be lucky.

• Valet : [Handing Columbo the keys]  Your car, sir.

  Lt. Columbo : [Puzzled]  How'd you know it was mine?

  Valet : [Smiling]  Ah, just a lucky guess.

• Lt. Columbo : [upon seeing Professor Rusk's actual murder broadcasted on television]  Where did that come from?

  [cut to Justin and Cooper] 

  Justin Rowe : How the hell did they get that film?

  News Anchor : The well-known criminology professor's body was discovered shortly thereafter by a group of his own students.

  Justin Rowe : How the hell did they get it?

• Cooper Redman : This is pretty scary stuff.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, I tell you, sometimes it can be a pretty scary world.

• Jordan Rowe : I understand you wanted to talk to me about Professor Rusk.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, actually, it was your son that suggested it, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : Yes. More specifically, about his books.

  Lt. Columbo : That could've been what your son had in mind, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : You're not sure?

  Lt. Columbo : About what your son had in mind? No, sir, I'm not.

  Jordan Rowe : Have you read his book?

  Lt. Columbo : I didn't know he wrote books, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : You're investigating the murder of Professor Rusk, and you're unaware that the man wrote a series of highly incendiary profiles exposing major crime figures in the United States?

  Lt. Columbo : Well, let me tell you what happened, sir. I was going out to lunch, and the Capitan come and he asked me, "Do I want to go speak to these college students?" I said, "Yeah, sure." He handed me a piece of paper, "Call Professor Rusk." That's the first time I ever heard the name.

  Jordan Rowe : But that was before he was murdered.

  Lt. Columbo : Yes, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : And he was murdered, and you were trying to find out who did it, did you have any curiosity about the man's life?

  Lt. Columbo : You mean, like going out and reading his books, sir?

  Jordan Rowe : I mean, like finding out that there were a whole lot of people out there who wanted to see him dead.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, he was having an affair. I don't know if you know this, sir, with the coach's wife. But she's a married woman. She's a very emotional...

  Jordan Rowe : And this is how you've been spending your time?

  Lt. Columbo : Yes, sir. And talking with the kids.

  Jordan Rowe : And talking to the kids. It's perfectly clear that you haven't the faintest idea of which end is up. That's not an insult, that's a statement of fact. I can't do your homework for you, but I can point you in the right direction. This is Rusk's first book, on organized crime in New Orleans. Read it.

  [hands the book to Columbo] 

  Jordan Rowe : And this one is a galley of his second book, on white-collar crime in Southern California. He ties it to the mob, and to the laundering of drug money, and it names names. Read it. The bottom line here is that some very dangerous men made actual threats on the Professor's life. What you need to do is stop worrying so much about who's wife is screwing whom and get to the heart of the matter. This man was shot because he had a big mouth.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, I certainly appreciate you telling me this, sir. It's gonna make my life a lot easier, 'cause now I'm pointed in the right direction.

  Jordan Rowe : Good.

  Cooper Redman : [eavesdropping on Columbo and Mr. Rowe from another room]  I can't believe how perfect this is.

  Justin Rowe : Coop, I got a question for you.

  Cooper Redman : Yeah?

  Justin Rowe : Do you think Columbo's parents were related?

  [they both snicker] 

  Lt. Columbo : I found out one thing for sure, tonight. I know where your son gets his brains.

  Cooper Redman : This is better than sex.

  Jordan Rowe : My son has the best mind of anybody I have ever met, but he still couldn't get into Harvard Law School without my help. With his ability, they should've sent a limousine for him. But it didn't work that way. I had to push a lot of buttons. I don't know what was wrong. His mind is someplace else. I wish I knew where. In any case, he's gonna wind up the best criminal attorney in this country, or I'm gonna break every bone in his body.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I wouldn't worry, sir. He'll go far.

  Jordan Rowe : He better.

  Cooper Redman : Your father's pretty wacky.

  Justin Rowe : Yeah, he's a sick man. I hate him.

  Jordan Rowe : His friend Cooper is another one. Kid's got brains, but he thinks he's gonna be a tennis pro. The kid's a B-player, but in his mind, he's John McEnroe. What does that say for his judgment? I'll tell you what he's good for. He can get little girls pregnant, that's what he's good for. Lieutenant, we at the University would appreciate it if you could wrap this up as quickly as possible.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I understand, sir, and I'll do my best. Oh, one more thing, sir. Did you happen to have dinner Thursday night at the Cafe Barrado?

  Jordan Rowe : In fact, I had dinner at a restaurant called Fredo, Lieutenant. In San Francisco, with the District Attorney, and the Lieutenant Governor.

  Lt. Columbo : Thank you very much, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : Good night.