Columbo (TV Series)

Columbo Goes to College (1990)

Gary Hershberger: Cooper Redman

Quotes 

• Prof. D.E. Rusk : [Cooper and Justin knock on his office door]  Come in.

  [Justin and Cooper enter his office] 

  Prof. D.E. Rusk : Close the door.

  [Justin closes the door] 

  Prof. D.E. Rusk : You blew it, boys.

  Justin Rowe : Excuse me?

  Prof. D.E. Rusk : Don't toy with me, Justin. Not you, of all people. I know about the test. That you took the test. Stole the test.

  Cooper Redman : What?

  Prof. D.E. Rusk : Not a word! You hear me? Not one more word! The two of you are an absolute disgrace. All the privilege, all the potential, all the smarts, and what do you do with it? You waste it, squander it, drag it under your feet. You know, you guys don't deserve what you have. You probably never did. And you don't have any respect for anyone! Let me tell you something else. I don't trust myself to make a proper decision right now as to what action I'm going to take, but I'll tell you this much. When I'm ready to make a decision, it'll either be to flunk the two of you, or go to the dean and ask him to throw you out of this university! You got it?

• Cooper Redman : Your father's pretty wacky.

  Justin Rowe : Yeah, he's a sick man. I hate him.

• Mr. Redman : Cooper! Cooper!

  [walks up to Cooper, who has his headphones in and the music cranked up] 

  Mr. Redman : COOPER!

  Cooper Redman : [takes off his earphones]  Something wrong, Dad?

  Mr. Redman : Trish Mears' father just called me. He's threatening to sue.

  Cooper Redman : You know, Dad... Now, getting an abortion was Trish's idea, not mine.

  Mr. Redman : While you were doing what, Cooper? Encouraging her to have your baby?

  Cooper Redman : Maybe not. But we could've worked it out, Dad. Others have. You know, we wouldn't have been the first.

  Mr. Redman : The first? This is the third girl in the past 18 months! For God's sake, man! You're almost 22 years old! When are you gonna start behaving responsibly? How long do you expect me to keep bailing you out?

  Cooper Redman : Dad, it takes two to tango...

  Mr. Redman : GET IT TOGETHER, COOPER! I'm giving you fair warning, pal. One more mess, one more screw up, and you're on your own! Do you understand me? I'm not threatening you. I'm just telling you. One more screw up, and you're out.

• Cooper Redman : This is pretty scary stuff.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, I tell you, sometimes it can be a pretty scary world.

• Jordan Rowe : I understand you wanted to talk to me about Professor Rusk.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, actually, it was your son that suggested it, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : Yes. More specifically, about his books.

  Lt. Columbo : That could've been what your son had in mind, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : You're not sure?

  Lt. Columbo : About what your son had in mind? No, sir, I'm not.

  Jordan Rowe : Have you read his book?

  Lt. Columbo : I didn't know he wrote books, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : You're investigating the murder of Professor Rusk, and you're unaware that the man wrote a series of highly incendiary profiles exposing major crime figures in the United States?

  Lt. Columbo : Well, let me tell you what happened, sir. I was going out to lunch, and the Capitan come and he asked me, "Do I want to go speak to these college students?" I said, "Yeah, sure." He handed me a piece of paper, "Call Professor Rusk." That's the first time I ever heard the name.

  Jordan Rowe : But that was before he was murdered.

  Lt. Columbo : Yes, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : And he was murdered, and you were trying to find out who did it, did you have any curiosity about the man's life?

  Lt. Columbo : You mean, like going out and reading his books, sir?

  Jordan Rowe : I mean, like finding out that there were a whole lot of people out there who wanted to see him dead.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, he was having an affair. I don't know if you know this, sir, with the coach's wife. But she's a married woman. She's a very emotional...

  Jordan Rowe : And this is how you've been spending your time?

  Lt. Columbo : Yes, sir. And talking with the kids.

  Jordan Rowe : And talking to the kids. It's perfectly clear that you haven't the faintest idea of which end is up. That's not an insult, that's a statement of fact. I can't do your homework for you, but I can point you in the right direction. This is Rusk's first book, on organized crime in New Orleans. Read it.

  [hands the book to Columbo] 

  Jordan Rowe : And this one is a galley of his second book, on white-collar crime in Southern California. He ties it to the mob, and to the laundering of drug money, and it names names. Read it. The bottom line here is that some very dangerous men made actual threats on the Professor's life. What you need to do is stop worrying so much about who's wife is screwing whom and get to the heart of the matter. This man was shot because he had a big mouth.

  Lt. Columbo : Well, I certainly appreciate you telling me this, sir. It's gonna make my life a lot easier, 'cause now I'm pointed in the right direction.

  Jordan Rowe : Good.

  Cooper Redman : [eavesdropping on Columbo and Mr. Rowe from another room]  I can't believe how perfect this is.

  Justin Rowe : Coop, I got a question for you.

  Cooper Redman : Yeah?

  Justin Rowe : Do you think Columbo's parents were related?

  [they both snicker] 

  Lt. Columbo : I found out one thing for sure, tonight. I know where your son gets his brains.

  Cooper Redman : This is better than sex.

  Jordan Rowe : My son has the best mind of anybody I have ever met, but he still couldn't get into Harvard Law School without my help. With his ability, they should've sent a limousine for him. But it didn't work that way. I had to push a lot of buttons. I don't know what was wrong. His mind is someplace else. I wish I knew where. In any case, he's gonna wind up the best criminal attorney in this country, or I'm gonna break every bone in his body.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I wouldn't worry, sir. He'll go far.

  Jordan Rowe : He better.

  Cooper Redman : Your father's pretty wacky.

  Justin Rowe : Yeah, he's a sick man. I hate him.

  Jordan Rowe : His friend Cooper is another one. Kid's got brains, but he thinks he's gonna be a tennis pro. The kid's a B-player, but in his mind, he's John McEnroe. What does that say for his judgment? I'll tell you what he's good for. He can get little girls pregnant, that's what he's good for. Lieutenant, we at the University would appreciate it if you could wrap this up as quickly as possible.

  Lt. Columbo : Oh, I understand, sir, and I'll do my best. Oh, one more thing, sir. Did you happen to have dinner Thursday night at the Cafe Barrado?

  Jordan Rowe : In fact, I had dinner at a restaurant called Fredo, Lieutenant. In San Francisco, with the District Attorney, and the Lieutenant Governor.

  Lt. Columbo : Thank you very much, sir.

  Jordan Rowe : Good night.

• [after leaving Columbo] 

  Justin Rowe : [imitating Columbo]  "You know what I gotta do?"

  [Cooper laughs] 

  Justin Rowe : "I gotta go see the Coach's wife."

  Cooper Redman : I can't believe he's making this so easy.

  Justin Rowe : Oh, this is just the beginning. Wait till we set him on my father.