Batman Returns (1992)
Danny DeVito: Penguin
Photos
Quotes
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The Penguin : [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
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The Penguin : [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!
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Batman : What do you want?
The Penguin : Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
[laughs, then turns serious]
The Penguin : You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman : Things change.
[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
Catwoman : Meow.
[a store explodes, she slips off]
The Penguin : I saw her first... gotta fly!
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[addressing a huge flock of penguins]
The Penguin : My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!
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[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
The Penguin : Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
[hurls away the umbrella]
The Penguin : The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]
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[Shreck sees the Penguin]
The Penguin : Hi.
[Shreck opens his mouth several times, but nothing comes out]
The Penguin : I believe the word you're looking for is... "Aaahh"!
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The Penguin : You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell!
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Catwoman : We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
The Penguin : Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
The Penguin : naked sexual charisma.
Catwoman : Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
The Penguin : Ointment!
[jumps up and picks up two bottles]
The Penguin : Scented or unscented?
Catwoman : I'll come back later.
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Josh : Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
The Penguin : Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
[they both laugh again]
Josh : Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]
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The Penguin : I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!
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The Penguin : [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.
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The Penguin : I'd like to fill her void.
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Fat Clown : Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
The Penguin : No! It's a lot "uh"!
[Kicks Henchman into the water]
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The Penguin : [to Catwoman] You're Beauty and the Beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
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[the Circus Gang passes Penguin a large Christmas stocking labeled "Max." He reaches in and takes out a large thermos]
The Penguin : A batch of toxic waste from your "clean" textile plant.
[pours it into a dish]
The Penguin : There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : That could have come from anywhere.
The Penguin : What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
The Penguin : Ah, good idea!
[he reaches into the stocking and pulls out a sheaf of documents]
The Penguin : A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [starting to lose his composure] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
The Penguin : Good?
[Penguin takes out a severed hand]
The Penguin : [imitating a ventriloquist] Hiya, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any of the other body parts? Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
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The Penguin : [to Catwoman] You lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed!
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[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
The Penguin : Say cheese!
Ice Princess : Cheese!
[he throws it at her]
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Volunteer Bimbo : You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
The Penguin : And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.
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The Penguin : Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
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The Penguin : You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!
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The Penguin : [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!
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Catwoman : It's chilly in here.
The Penguin : I'll warm you.
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The Penguin : You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
The Penguin : I don't, so no.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
The Penguin : [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.
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The Penguin : You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman : You might be right.
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The Penguin : [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?
[he gets out of his wooden duck]
The Penguin : Did you miss me?
Henchman : Great speech, Oswald.
[Penguin hits him]
The Penguin : [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
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[the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]
The Penguin : So where are all the children?
[the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]
The Penguin : "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."
[the Penguin screams]
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The Penguin : They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!
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Catwoman : Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?
The Penguin : Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
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The Penguin : [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?
The Penguin : No, just give you a splitting headache.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Well, it's not working.
[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]
The Penguin : Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.
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Catwoman : You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.
The Penguin : She looked pretty scared to me!
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The Penguin : Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
Batman : You're not the mayor.
The Penguin : Things change.
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The Penguin : But when it comes down to it, who's holding the umbrella?
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The Penguin : Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.
Catwoman : No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.
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[plotting against Batman]
Catwoman : Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.
The Penguin : A plan is forming.
Catwoman : I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.
[licks herself in a cat-like manner]
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The Penguin : [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless *as a baby*, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
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The Penguin : Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.
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The Penguin : [on the Batmobile's TV screen] Don't adjust your sets. Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot school of driving. Gentlemen, start your screaming!
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The Penguin : I am a man - I have a name - Oswald Cobblepot.
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The Penguin : Remember Max - you flush it, I flaunt it.
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The Penguin : True. I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two.
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [Pulled out of the water by Catwoman] I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss.
[She lashes her whip at him]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string.
[He tries to run away, but she captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her]
Catwoman : Your blood, Max.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : My blood, I gave at the office.
Catwoman : A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.
[Batman comes in]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?
Catwoman : Sorry, Max. A die for a die.
[More exploding rockets and Batman comes flying into the scene]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : [to Batman] You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
Batman : [pushes him away] Shut up. You're going to jail.
Catwoman : Don't be naive! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
Batman : Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police... then, we can go home... together. Selina... don't you see? We're the same. We're the same... Split right down the center.
[He pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne]
Batman : Selina, please.
Catwoman : Bruce, I would, I would to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.
[He tries to touch her shoulder, she retaliates and scratches his face]
Catwoman : I just couldn't live with myself! So, don't pretend this is a happy ending!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Selina. Selina Kyle!
[She takes of her mask, revealing her identity as Selina Kyle]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : You're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Catwoman : Because he is Batman, you moron!
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Was.
[He shoots Bruce in the shoulder; Selina, ready to go after Max]
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Don't!
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : You killed me, the Penguin killed me, Batman killed me. That's... three lives down! You got enough in there to finish me off?
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : One way to find out.
[Shoots her twice]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Four, Five. Still alive!
[Max shoots her two more times and she groans in pain]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Six, Seven. All good girls go to Heaven.
[Max points the gun to her stomach and pulls the trigger, only to find the gun is now empty. She laughs, weak]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime...
[Pulls out a tazer]
Catwoman , Selina Kyle : How 'bout a kiss, Anti-Claus?
[Uses the tazer and an electrical wire to kill him, as the whole place's electrical wiring explodes. Suddenly, The Penguin coming up out of the water, weak and fatally injured; walks over to his umbrellas. Batman clears away the debris to find Max's fried corpse and Selina is nowhere to be found. Batman turns to the Penguin, reaches for an umbrella and takes it out]
The Penguin : Ugh! Shit!
[drops it, gagging]
The Penguin : I picked the cute one!
[gagging]
The Penguin : The heat's getting to me! Ugh! I'll murder you momentarily... But first, I need a cold drink of iced water!
[Gags, then fell and drops dead]
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The Penguin : Rats with wings do your thing.
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : So he survived. What's the worry?
The Penguin : He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
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Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.
The Penguin : [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!
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[Batman has rerouted the kamikaze penguins back to Penguin's lair]
The Penguin : MY BABIES!
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The Penguin : Burn baby, burn!
