To Grandmother's House We Go (1992 TV Movie)

Jerry Van Dyke: Harvey 'Harv'

Photos 

Quotes 

• Harvey 'Harv' : [while power walking]  Boy, I'm getting hungry Shirl.

  Shirley : After we workout we'll get a nice, big juicy pizza.

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Excited]  Oh boy! Extra cheese?

  Shirley : And pepperoni.

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Even more enthusiastic]  Ooh!

• [Rhonda bangs on the window alarmed. Det. Gremp opens the door] 

  Det. Gremp : What?

  Rhonda Thompson : Those are the kidnappers!

  Eddie Popko : And the FPD bandits!

  Julie Thompson : And they're not Santa's elf!

  Harvey 'Harv' : It's all true officer. Even the elf part. If you want proof, look at our motor home. It's full of stolen goods.

  [Raises his arms] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : Cuff us.

  Eddie Popko : [Presents the cuffs]  Feel free to use these, definitely!

  Det. Gremp : [Confused]  Huh?

• Shirley : Okay Harv, let's check out the loot.

  [Opens the truck, Shirley and Harvey see Julie and Sarah] 

  Sarah Thompson : Hello.

  Julie Thompson : Hi.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Shirley, when did FPD start delivering kids?

  Shirley : Right after you had your lobotomy Harv.

  [to the twins] 

  Shirley : What are you rugrats doing in here?

  Julie Thompson : We're trying to get to Grandma's.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Who ships their kids to Grandma's? Don't they got to be in a box or something?

  Shirley : Harvey, stop thinking. You're not good at it. I'll handle this. I know how to talk to these little droolers.

  [to the twins nicely] 

  Shirley : Hi there. My name is Shirley... and this is my husband Harvey. What are your little names?

  Sarah Thompson : [Mockingly]  My little name is Sarah.

  Julie Thompson : [Mockingly]  My little name is Julie.

  Shirley : [to Harvey]  Are these shrimps making fun of me?

  Harvey 'Harv' : I'm not sure... I think so.

  Shirley : Okay, I'm through with this child psychology junk.

  [to the twins with a serious tone] 

  Shirley : Was that guy driving the truck your daddy?

  Sarah Thompson : No, he was taking us home.

  Julie Thompson : We don't want to go home.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Wha wha wha why not?

  Sarah Thompson : Mommy said we're a handful.

  Julie Thompson : We're giving her a vacation!

  Shirley : And that's why you want to get to your Granny's? Well, aren't you two sweet to give your mom a break like that? Excuse us one minute.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Nice meeting you guys.

  Sarah Thompson : See you later guys.

  [the twins wave] 

• Det. Gremp : [Harvey and Shirley are arrested after Harvey confessed out of good conscience]  I knew it was you two all along.

  Harvey 'Harv' : You mad at me honey-bunch?

  Shirley : A little. But I'll have three to five years to get over it.

  Harvey 'Harv' : When I get out, I promise you I'll make you proud. I'll be the best darn criminal you ever saw I'll be mean, I'll be low-down, I'll be vicious, I'll be a snake, I'll be rotten. Just like you honey.

  Shirley : It's a beautiful dream Harv.

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Smiles to Shirley]  I love you.

  Det. Gremp : You two in here. Let's go, let's go.

  [Turns to Rhonda and Eddie] 

  Det. Gremp : And you two, you can expect some community service for your shenanigans.

• Harvey 'Harv' : Isn't it a lovely evening for a press walk?

  Shirley : Yes.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Watch it, joggers coming through!

  [Harvey's fanny pack comes loose] 

  Eddie Popko : Oh, sir you dropped your fanny pack.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Oh those things come loose all the time.

  Shirley : Thank you very much!

  [Jumps and hits Eddie with both her hands] 

  Eddie Popko : Ugh!

  Harvey 'Harv' : I love it when you get physical Shirl.

  Shirley : Not now Harv, get in the truck!

  [Harvey and Shirley drive off with the truck, unaware that the twins are back there. Eddie gets up in time to see his truck go off in the distance] 

  Sarah Thompson : Where's Eddie?

  Julie Thompson : I don't know.

  Sarah Thompson : Who are they?

  Julie Thompson : I don't know. You're the one who knows everything.

  Sarah Thompson : I hope they're going to Grandma's.

• Julie Thompson : You can stop waiving.

  Sarah Thompson : We're not waiving back!

  Harvey 'Harv' : ...They're just having fun.

  Julie Thompson : You are a liar!

  Sarah Thompson : He is not an elf!

  Harvey 'Harv' : [to the parents around him]  Like none of you have trouble with your kids.

• Eddie Popko : [Running back to Rhonda's apartment]  I knew my system worked! Rhonda! Rhonda! Hey, uh, meet me at the window!

  Rhonda Thompson : What do you want?

  Eddie Popko : [Sidesteps]  Meet me over here! Rhonda, I... Meet me at the door! I'm coming up!

  [Runs inside, gets near Rhonda's door] 

  Eddie Popko : I'm here! Open up!

  Rhonda Thompson : [Rhonda opens the door, Eddie slides in]  What? What?

  Eddie Popko : [Out of breath]  Rhonda...

  Rhonda Thompson : What?

  Eddie Popko : I have to get some water...

  Rhonda Thompson : You ran all the way back here for a glass of water?

  Eddie Popko : [Drinks water]  OK, I can talk now. Whew! Rhonda, I was a... a jerk, and an idiot, and a moron.

  Rhonda Thompson : I know all that.

  Eddie Popko : OK, but what you don't know is, I want to help you find your girls.

  Rhonda Thompson : [Shocked]  Since when?

  Eddie Popko : Uh... Since I was just thinking about all the fun that I had with the girls and... And how we went out for ice cream and we bought a lottery ticket... And it's a winner. Wouldn't you know it? I mean, that ticket must be in one of their purses.

  Rhonda Thompson : [Not pleased]  You greedy little worm.

  [the phone rings, Rhonda rushes to pick up the phone] 

  Rhonda Thompson : Hello?

  Shirley : Hi. Uh, Rhonda Thompson?

  Rhonda Thompson : Yes?

  Shirley : Yeah, Rhonda, it was the craziest thing. I found your girls sitting in the back of an FPD truck.

  Rhonda Thompson : [Excited]  You found my girls?

  Eddie Popko : Oh, they found the girls? And how about those, those, those little purses?

  Rhonda Thompson : [Now worried]  Are they okay?

  Rhonda Thompson : Yeah, are you kidding? They're playing Whack-a-Mole!

  [Turns to the girls] 

  Rhonda Thompson : Hey girls, say hi to your mom!

  Julie Thompson , Sarah Thompson : [Together]  Hi, Mom!

  Julie Thompson : We got enough tickets for yo-yos!

  Harvey 'Harv' : Aw, can't we get the paddle ball?

  Sarah Thompson : Next time, Harv.

  [They get back to playing] 

  Shirley : Uh, Rhonda, Rhonda, just out of curiosity, is there a reward involved here?

  Rhonda Thompson : Reward?

  Shirley : Um, I was hoping it might be... $10,000?

  Rhonda Thompson : $10,000? You don't want a reward, you want ransom!

  Eddie Popko : We'll get the money!

  Rhonda Thompson : Eddie!

  Shirley : Tell that guy it's a deal. I'll meet you at the skating rink at Edgemont, at 3:00. Uh, wear a red hat so I know how to find you. And don't tell the police about this or I just might get lost.

  Rhonda Thompson : All right, no police. Just take care of my girls.

  Shirley : They're happy as clams. Oh, and speaking of clams, I would like my reward in cash. See you tomorrow.

  [Hangs up] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : Wow! I broke the record! Shirley, I got the best score of the day!

  Shirley : [Gives a thumbs up]  Harv, we're on a roll.

• Harvey 'Harv' : [about Sarah and Julie]  Couldn't you just eat those kids up?

  [Turns to Shirley] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : Hey Shirl, let's go rob a toy store so they'll have something to play with when they get up in the morning.

  Shirley : Nah, too risky. I'll let them play with the VCR. And I'll teach them how to pry the serial numbers off. Kids love that.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Honey, how come we never had kids?

  Shirley : Because we're criminals, sweetheart.

  Harvey 'Harv' : That's just our job. And I'll make a great dad, you'd be a terrific mom.

  Shirley : Oh, yeah, we're a regular Ozzie and Harriet.

  [Examines a stolen VCR] 

  Shirley : Okay, this one is cleaned and priced to move.

• Harvey 'Harv' : [having fun]  Oh, wow! Boy, this place is great!

  Julie Thompson : See, Harvey, I told you!

  Harvey 'Harv' : You're so right, Julie! Hey, Shirl, hey!

  [Shirley waves from out in the distance] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : How come we never came in here before?

  Shirley : Gee, I don't know, Harv.

  Shirley : [Frustrated]  Would you come on and finish your pizza?

  Harvey 'Harv' : I'll be right there. I'm gonna go down the slide one more time...

  [the twins tackle Harvey in the ball pit] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : Whoa! Whoa, girls! Somebody help me! Somebody...

• Harvey 'Harv' : Here's me at my high-school reunion. I didn't graduate so I had to sneak in, heh. Here's me and Shirley on our very first date.

  Shirley : Our parole officer fixed us up.

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Turns the page]  Here's a good one of you, Shirley. I look okay.

  Shirley : Yeah, those were taken after our second date.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Remember we went dancing and then we tried to knock over that liquor store?

  Sarah Thompson : You tried to knock a store over?

  Harvey 'Harv' : No, we didn't try to 'knock it over' knock it over. We were... holding it up.

  Julie Thompson : Why? Was it falling down?

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Trying to think]  Not 'holding it up' holding it up...

  Shirley : OK, let's give the think tank a rest. Time to grab some shuteye, into bed, you two.

  Harvey 'Harv' : OK, bedtime.

  [Escorts the girls to bed] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : In bed.

  Shirley : Chop-chop, you guys.

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Tucks the girls in]  All right, the bathroom is right there. Refrigerator's full in case you get hungry. Goodnight, Sarah. Goodnight, Julie.

  Julie Thompson : Goodnight, Harv.

  Sarah Thompson : Goodnight, Shirley.

  Shirley : Goodnight, girls.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

  Shirley : [Somewhat impressed]  That was sweet, Harv.

  Harvey 'Harv' : My dad always used to say that. Of course, we really did have bedbugs, so it's not like he was trying to be sweet.

  Shirley : Well, we got work to do.

  [Harvey and Shirley walk away from the twins] 

  Sarah Thompson : No bedtime story?

  Julie Thompson : What do you expect? We're sleeping on a table.

• Rhonda Thompson : We got to find my girls.

  Eddie Popko : Right, because I got to be back by six.

  Rhonda Thompson : That money is all you care about, isn't it? You got your ticket. Here's your hat, just go!

  [Takes off to find Julie and Sarah] 

  Rhonda Thompson : Julie! Sarah! Julie!

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Grabs Shirley]  Come on, Shirl, we got to help.

  Shirley : When is it going to sink in, Harvey? We're the bad guys.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Oh, I keep forgetting.

  [Eddie tucks the lottery ticket in his jacket] 

  Eddie Popko : Sarah! Julie!

• [Getting off the ice] 

  Rhonda Thompson : Where are my girls?

  Shirley : They're fine. Don't have a cow, see, I got their little things right here.

  Eddie Popko : It's their stuff, I see the purses.

  Shirley : Is that the reward money?

  Eddie Popko : 10 grand in cash. Now, real slow lady. I give you the money, you give me he purses. On three.

  [Shirley aggressively trades the purses for the money] 

  Rhonda Thompson : That money is for my girls.

  Eddie Popko : Of course it is. Hey, where are those girls, anyway?

  Shirley : Coming right up.

  [Whistles for Harvey, who rushes over] 

  Eddie Popko : Here's the ticket. We have just enough time to get back.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Shirl, Shirl, is that the reward money?

  Shirley : [Excited]  It's all here.

  Harvey 'Harv' : Oh great. We got to give it back.

  [Grabs the money hand hands it back to Rhonda] 

  Shirley : [Takes the money back]  No, we don't!

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Grabs the money again]  Oh, yes, we do.

  Shirley : [Grabs the money again]  Have you lost your mind?

  Harvey 'Harv' : [Grabs the money and gives it to Rhonda]  No, pumpkin. I lost the kids.

  Shirley : What?

  Rhonda Thompson : You lost my girls?

  Harvey 'Harv' : I couldn't help it. I don't know what happened. One minute they were on the ponies, riding on it, they were happy and everything, and then the next minute they just... they just disappeared! I think they were upset because I... I told them we weren't elves.

  Shirley : You told them we weren't elves? What is the matter with you, lunatic?

  Harvey 'Harv' : It slipped out.

  Shirley : Yes, because there's holes up here! You're Mr. Pinocchio! A wooden head!

  Harvey 'Harv' : It was dumb! It was dumb!

  Shirley : You are so dumb!

  Harvey 'Harv' : You're not helping.

• Shirley : Hey, hey, hey! There's our money!

  Harvey 'Harv' : Hey, girls!

  [Harvey and Shirley wave] 

  Harvey 'Harv' : It's us, your buddies, Harvey and Shirley!

  Sarah Thompson : Oh, no! Not them again!

  [the twins grab straps] 

  Julie Thompson : Run, Rudolph, fly!

  Sarah Thompson : Go to Grandma's house!

  Sarah Thompson , Julie Thompson : [Together]  Giddy Up! Giddy Up!

  [the horses disguised as reindeer take off] 

  Shirley : Come on, Harv!

  Sarah Thompson : Merry Christmas!

  Julie Thompson : Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!

  Harvey 'Harv' : [chasing]  Sarah, Julie! Wait! Sarah, Julie, grab that thing! Stop!

  Eddie Popko : Hey! Stop those girls!

  Rhonda Thompson : Julie! Sarah!

  [the twins fall backwards] 

  Sarah Thompson , Julie Thompson : [Together]  Whoa!

  [Eddie tries to stop the sleigh but dives out of the way] 

  Eddie Popko : Whoa!

  Rhonda Thompson : My girls! Somebody help!

  Eddie Popko : I'm on my way!

  Rhonda Thompson : Hurry, Eddie! Hurry!

  Eddie Popko : I'm on my way!

  Rhonda Thompson : Girls!

  [Sees the sleigh go out in the road] 

  Rhonda Thompson : Stop! Eddie, come on!

  [He grabs Buttercup, the pony the twins were riding earlier] 

  Eddie Popko : Come on, Trigger, let's go.

  [the next shot shows a clip of Roy Rogers hopping onto a horse] 

  Eddie Popko : All right! Come on, fella, follow that sleigh! Wait, no, no. No more circles! You're free! You're free! You don't have to do these kiddie rides anymore! Thataway, boy. You're gonna be a hero, come on!

  Rhonda Thompson : Hurry, Eddie! Hurry!

  Santa : Take the low road. You can cut them off at the pass.

  Eddie Popko : I always wanted to cut someone off at the pass.

• [about the twins after Harvey and Shirley hijacked a FPD truck] 

  Shirley : Harv, this is the best truck we ever had, Harvey. Those munchkins are twin sacks of money.

  Harvey 'Harv' : You mean you're thinking about us being kidnappers?

  Shirley : No! No, I'm talking about us being heroes. When we return those kids, we are going to deserve a big fat reward.

  Harvey 'Harv' : We'll get money, and we'll be heroes? Boy, that beats a stick in the eye.

  Shirley : Ha ha.

  [Claps in enjoyment]