Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series 1994–1997) Poster

Nancy Travis: Bernice, Beatrice, Bernice (Character), Beverly, Grandma-ma, Grandma-ma Sophia

Photos 

Quotes 

  • Bernice : Something funny's going on here.

    Eric Duckman : It's about time. I'm getting sick of all the social commentary.

  • Bernice : If you're my sister then do you know what that means?

    Duckman : A threesome?

  • Duckman : Hi Beverly

    Beverly : Hi. Look I'm sorry for pretending to be your dead wife.

    Duckman : No that's okay. You stayed with me when you didn't have to. You saved my life.

    Beverly : It was my pleasure.

    Duckman : By the way. When I was unconious did I say anything embarrassing or private?

    Beverly : No! No! If you did then I've long forgotten it.

    Duckman : Oh okay. Well, goodnight Beverly.

    Beverly : Goodnight Eric.

  • Beverly : It's not too often that you see one horse's ass on top of another.

  • Bernice : You spent the last six days watching that video tape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for.

    Sherry : You said you erased that.

    Cornfed : Erased, ran off thousands of copies... it's such a fine line.

  • Duckman : We don't need no Dutch Elm/North Flem scum. EAT FLOURIDE LAWN JOCKIES.

    Bernice : DWAH.

    Duckman : That's enough with the Dwahs. I do the Dwahhs okay? YIKES.

  • Bernice : There's something fishy going on around here

    Duckman : Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's sensing a lot of suck ups around here.

    Mambo : Hey, everybody!

    Charles : Expensive electronic equipment and thick wads of cash are being delivered to three houses on North Phleghm.

    Bernice : [North Phleghm Neighbors gasp]  TRAITORS!

    Ben Stein : Let's book.

  • Bernice : Who are you?

    Duckman : She's Beatrice.

    Beverley : No I'm not.

    Duckman : Yes you are.

    Bernice : She knows who she is you moron.

  • Mambo : Would you please tell her quickly.

    Charles : Aunt Beverly is your other sister who got misplaced in the hospital

    Bernice : Do you know what this means?

    Eric Duckman : A threesome?

    Beverly , Bernice : No! TRIPLETS!

    Bernice : So you've heard about?

    Beverly : Yes I know.

    Bernice : And after she married Duckman she died. I'd love it if you would stay.

    Beverly : I don't know. I don't want to be a bother.

    Charles : [Jumping up and down excitedly]  Oh that would be great.

    Mambo : OOH! Stop jumping!

  • Ajax : He was killed when a group of hungry nuns went running towards the snack booth. He was pushed into the cotton candy machine and he got mutilated in the whirling batter of spun sugar.

    Bernice : Another senseless religious confection death.

  • Duckman : I work hard everyday to provide food and clothes for my family.

    Mambo : [heading out the door]  Bye dad. We're going out to the mall. Although we haven' had a pair of jeans that fit us in the past 2 years.

    Duckman : Okay so I provide food for my family.

    Ajax : Bye Dod. I'm going out to eat and then I'm going to go for a walk in the city's seedy underbelly to learn things that you'll never comprehend.

    Duckman : Why is it that everything I say ends up becoming some perfectly timed joke at my expense?

    Bernice : [walks into the room]  I didn't hear you otherwise I would have made a joke at your expense.

  • Bernice : Okay you've got 10 seconds to cough up his flemball of a mother before I report you to the department of touchy, feely, fake religions.

  • Beverly : [thinking]  Thank God Beatrice isn't alive to see this.

  • Actress : Please Duckman! I'm your sister...

    Bernice : [after spitting out her drink]  In law! Sister in law!

  • Bernice : Look the whole south side of the street's joined up with Venom!

    Duckman : We don't need no Dutch Elm/North Phleghm scum. EAT FLOURIDE LAWN JOCKEYS!

    Bernice : DWAAAHHH!

    Duckman : That's enough with the DWAAHS! I do the DWAAHS okay?

    [Sees an angry mob of neighbours!] 

    Duckman : YIKES!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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