Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (1994–1997)
Jason Alexander: Eric Duckman, Self
Quotes
-
Duckman : Comedy should provoke! It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions! Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you. Sure, humor can hurt, even alienate, but the risk is better than the alternative: a steady diet of innocuous, child-proof, flavorless mush! Demand to be challenged, to be offended, to be treated like thinking, reasoning adults. And raise your children to be the same. Don't let a comedian, a network, a Congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want.
-
Duckman : Somewhere, somehow they all got chewed up and spit back out. They don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what's it's like living in this deranged, Waring blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. Ah, you never forget your senior prom. You think I'm sick? Well the only disease I've got is modern life, a shnug-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, putdown, trickledowns, shutouts, freezeouts, sellouts, numbnuts, nickenputz and nimrods! All making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue! And even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nimphomaniac telephone operator with the muscle control of Romanian matslappers agree to a little strip air-hockey, it will be over before it starts, cuz some foul lacking, fedder reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata spanker from a Santa Ria culpa a culpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big that all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete! And even with all this, with all this! I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day! Knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those pearly gates, I won't be in the coffin anyways, because some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted good and plenty to that same Santa Ria cult! So does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails, while life dirty dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder THAT I SEEM DERANGED?
-
Bernice : Something funny's going on here.
Eric Duckman : It's about time. I'm getting sick of all the social commentary.
-
[repeated line]
Duckman : What the hell are YOU staring at?
-
Duckman : She's a bigger ripoff than those talk-to-a-nympho-in-prison hotlines that double charge you on your phone bill when they know you can't do a thing about it 'cause you can't tell anyone you called them in the first place... so I heard.
-
Duckman : Can you believe it? Five hundred bucks for a parking ticket?
Cornfed Pig : You parked in a handicapped zone.
Duckman : Who cares? Nobody parks there anyway, except for the people who are supposed to park there and, hell, I can outrun them anytime.
-
Duckman : Boo-freaking-hoo. Like I am supposed to take women and how they feel seriously? You ought to be accepted for your minds but you throw a hissy fit royalé if someone isn't saying you look great 30 hours a day. You say you want a nice guy but you only give it up to the creeps. You get to stay home, not go to war, live longer, and have sex whenever you want! So remind me again what exact is there to complain about!
-
Duckman : I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny. I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least-inhibited woman I've ever met. If she didn't suddenly get a headache... woo hoo. there's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night?
Cornfed : Like yours... minus the headache.
-
Duckman : My greatest fantasy involves you, some sausages down your pants, and pack of starving Rotweilers.
-
Duckman : I will rise from the ashes like a Tuscon.
-
Eric Duckman : Well, nice knowing you, son. Not like I don't love you or anything, but you know how people are. They'll assume that sort of thing runs in the family, and frankly I got a tough enough time picking up chicks to begin with. So good luck, be careful, and maybe we'll see you on TV sometime lip-synching Over The Rainbow at one of those Pride parades.
-
Duckman : Excuse me sir, I'd like to reclaim my father's body from storage.
[Terry Duke Tetsloff turns around]
Duckman : Terry Duke Tetsloff!
Terry Duke Tetsloff : At your service Mr Duckman.
Duckman : Wait a minute aren't you that sleazy con-man who sold my family a defective home security system, gave an overpriced funeral to my mother-in-law when she wasn't really dead and artifically enseminated my sister-in-law with my sperm?
Terry Duke Tetsloff : The very same one. Say are you here to reclaim your father's body?
Duckman : Yep.
Terry Duke Tetsloff : I'll just go and get it and remember no ticky, no body.
-
Eric Duckman : Dwaah. Dwaah. A thousand times, DWAAH.
-
Con-Chicken : DWAAH.
Duckman : Hey. Get your own wacky scream.
-
Eric Duckman : I'll be tireless in my efforts for Duckman doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.'
Cornfed Pig : Apparently, the word 'clue' slipped through the cracks as well.
-
[Duckman has spilled something on his chest causing a stain that looks like a Rorschach inkblot]
Duckman : Well now look what you made me do! I gotta go in there with a picture of me and Vanna White frolicking naked with a tribe of pygmies on my chest!
Cornfed : Hmm. Looks like synchronized swimmers crocheting mittens in a pool filled with truffles to me.
Duckman : You're sick.
-
King Chicken : The students, professors, all animatrons. Robots.
Duckman : Even Deanna, that lovely coed?
King Chicken : Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a muppet.
Duckman : Ohh. To be Frank Oz for a day.
-
Duckman : If words were cherry stems, my tongue would be in Sherilyn Fenn's mouth.
-
Duckman : It's times like this that I wish I had a penis.
-
Duckman : Hi Beverly
Beverly : Hi. Look I'm sorry for pretending to be your dead wife.
Duckman : No that's okay. You stayed with me when you didn't have to. You saved my life.
Beverly : It was my pleasure.
Duckman : By the way. When I was unconious did I say anything embarrassing or private?
Beverly : No! No! If you did then I've long forgotten it.
Duckman : Oh okay. Well, goodnight Beverly.
Beverly : Goodnight Eric.
-
Cornfed Pig : You can't keep us here, you know. We're Americans. We have rights.
Eric Duckman : Including the right to bear arms. So, uh, could we, like, have some guns?
-
Eric Duckman : Until Esperanto comes back, you want to ease off on the foreign mumbo-jumbo?
-
Man : How are things on your end?
Eric Duckman : Fine since the sores healed.
-
Eric Duckman : You realize, of course, this means war...
-
Duckman : Talk about a crime, I can't believe I wore those platform shoes.
-
Duckman : Don't blame me, you rug-wearing suburban psycho.
-
Duckman : Heck, I got suits pending against me from three different dating services and the teen chatline.
-
Duckman : Yes, well warn us next time you're planning on thinking.
-
Duckman : Hey cantino boy. I need a tall glass of water. My sister-in-law and her birthday suit just gave me a libidoectomy.
-
Duckman : Last one in the car mops up the vomit.
-
Eric Duckman : Remember kids, when you get to prison attach yourself to the biggest, toughest, meanest looking goon you can find. You don't wanna wind up as just anyone's bitch.
-
Duckman : Damn ninjas are like roaches in this city.
-
Bernice : There's something fishy going on around here
Duckman : Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's sensing a lot of suck ups around here.
Mambo : Hey, everybody!
Charles : Expensive electronic equipment and thick wads of cash are being delivered to three houses on North Phleghm.
Bernice : [North Phleghm Neighbors gasp] TRAITORS!
Ben Stein : Let's book.
-
Mambo : Would you please tell her quickly.
Charles : Aunt Beverly is your other sister who got misplaced in the hospital
Bernice : Do you know what this means?
Eric Duckman : A threesome?
Beverly , Bernice : No! TRIPLETS!
Bernice : So you've heard about?
Beverly : Yes I know.
Bernice : And after she married Duckman she died. I'd love it if you would stay.
Beverly : I don't know. I don't want to be a bother.
Charles : [Jumping up and down excitedly] Oh that would be great.
Mambo : OOH! Stop jumping!
-
Eric Duckman : How are you, my dear? I hope that life has treated you better than time has.
-
Eric Duckman : Ha Ha Ha. We will now pause for Jealousy to put its head up your ugly rear.
-
Eric Duckman : They towed my car, Cornie. And for no other reason than it was illegally parked and had $1200 in unpaid tickets.
Cornfed Pig : Also, you stole it.
-
Eric Duckman : No shineola, Sherlock.
-
Eric Duckman : OK, son, now you're starting to scare the viewers.
-
Duckman : Quiet. I can't hear myself lie.
-
King Chicken : Duckman do you remember when you had a toothache?
Duckman : Yeah, my dentist was arrested for mal-practice. Who was the replacement? You?
[King Chicken looks smug]
Duckman : DAMN YOU CHICKEN! YOU CHARGED ME $50!
-
Duckman : I work hard everyday to provide food and clothes for my family.
Mambo : [heading out the door] Bye dad. We're going out to the mall. Although we haven' had a pair of jeans that fit us in the past 2 years.
Duckman : Okay so I provide food for my family.
Ajax : Bye Dod. I'm going out to eat and then I'm going to go for a walk in the city's seedy underbelly to learn things that you'll never comprehend.
Duckman : Why is it that everything I say ends up becoming some perfectly timed joke at my expense?
Bernice : [walks into the room] I didn't hear you otherwise I would have made a joke at your expense.
-
Dr. Susan Fox : Cornfed, I'm sensing that you have "issues".
Cornfed : Oh, I have issues all right. Like that time he made me miss my mother's funeral so he could carterize his lucky goiter or that time he got drunk and gave my phone number out to all of those prostitutes or that time he sold all of my furniture to buy those Who's The Boss comemorative plates.
Duckman : They were supposed to triple in value. DAMN YOU TO HELL TONY DANZA!
Dr. Susan Fox : How does that make you feel, Duckman?
Duckman : Like a bottle of open spit.
Cornfed : You and what United States Peacekeeping force?
-
Duckman : I'm just one more duck detective, that works with a pig, lives with the twin sister of his dead wife, three sons on two bodies, and a mother-in-law with so much gas, she's a fire hazard.
-
Duckman : I hope this doesn't sound grandiose, but tonight I begin my pre-ordained ascent towards the global adulation I so richly deserve.
-
Eric Duckman : [looking at Beverly's breasts] Buttercup! Iisa!
-
[Duckman is outraged that his car has just been towed]
Duckman : I can't believe they towed my car! And only because it was parked in a tow-away zone and I had $1,200 worth of unpaid parking tickets.
Cornfed : Also, you stole it.
Duckman : It was dark. How was I supposed to tell the difference between a parking lot at the mall and a Mazda dealership?
-
[repeated line]
Duckman : You thrust your pelvis, UH!
