The Fast Show (1994–2014)

Mark Williams: Various Roles, Jesse, Patrick Nice, 'I'll get me coat', Newlyweds' Neighbour, Kenneth, Alcoholic Dad, Dr. Konstantin Bubakles, Fred Halibut, Tommy Buxton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jesse : This season, I'll be mostly wearing no vest and no pants neither...

• Football Commentator : Well, Ron Manager, once again the pace and the tempo of that first half totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.

  Ron Manager : Cor, Ryan Giggs, you know? Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wiggsy? Mmm? Oh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know, marvellous.

  Tommy : Is he the new George Best?

  Ron Manager : Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? But Giggsy-wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Mmm? Ooh, got it all, you know? Speed, acceleration, sweet left foot, all the tricks - the dummy, the drop of the shoulder, the shimmy, nutmeg, jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.

  Football Commentator : Thank you, Ron. Now, Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.

  Ron Manager : Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?

  Football Commentator : You've lost me there, Ron. Not sure about that particular formation. But, Tommy, do we need structure? Look at the Brazilians.

  Ron Manager : Oh, those Brazilians, you know? Circa 1970? Broke the mould. Theory out the window. Free expression of football. Uncategorisable. Is that a word? It is now! You know? Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Rush goalie. Two at the back, three in the middle, four up front, one's gone home for his tea. Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.

• Rambling Hiker : [the Rambling Hiker arrives at a petrol station somewhere in the middle of the countryside]  Hello! Hello, there! Hello! I was wondering if you could help me? My canteen is a bit low.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : I see. You are lost and you want directions. Right. Now, you see this road here. You go up this road until you get to a tree. Lovely old tree!

  Rambling Hiker : No! you misunderstand me. I need some water for my canteen. Yes! It is very thirsty work hiking up and down the highways and byways.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : And you'll be needing directions?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! I am fully equipped. I know exactly where I am. I've never had to ask for directions. I am a fully experienced rambling hiker.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : Are you sure about that?

  Rambling Hiker : Yes. I am quiet sure.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : What about the end of that road, over there? Have you been down there?

  Rambling Hiker : I've just come from there. Yes.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : But, that's no guarantee!

  Rambling Hiker : Well, I suppose not.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : You better watch where are standing around her, boy. You might fall down a hole. Where would you be if you fell down a hole?

  Rambling Hiker : Well, yes.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : What about a fog? Stuck in a hole in a fog? Stuck in a hole in a fog in the middle of the night - WITH AN OWL? Up a tree! Stuck in a hole in the middle of a night. Stuck down a hole with an owl! On your own behind the wall! Lovely old wall!

  [the elderly petrol station attendant chases the rambling hiker away] 

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : Stuck down a hole in the middle of the night with an owl! Stuck down a hole on your own in the middle of the night - WITH AN OWL!

• Old Man : [Rambling Hiker is walking along a road in the middle of the countryside. As Rambling Hiker stops to study his map. An old man disguised as a scarecrow walks over to him]  Are you lost?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! No! I've studied the maps and I intend to walk over to that tree.

  Old Man : Lovely old tree.

  Rambling Hiker : Yes.

  Old Man : Are you a brave man?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! I've done this sort of thing many times before. I have no fear.

  Old Man : You should have fear. There are plenty of dogs with real vengeance in their hearts, that lives down here.

  Rambling Hiker : I am a fully experienced rambling hiker. I always come prepared.

  [Raises his horn] 

  Rambling Hiker : One blast on this old friend will seriously stop any fierce dog from tangling with me. I simply raise my hand like this.

  [Blows horn] 

  Rambling Hiker : And it simply terrifies them.

  Old Man : What about owls? There are plenty of owls around here. And badgers? What about badgers?

  Rambling Hiker : I simply raise my hand like this. Lift my warning horn into my lips and

  [Blows horn] 

  Old Man : What about the slivering thing?

  Rambling Hiker : What?

  Old Man : A slivering thing. It might be death. Slivering things often are. What use would your fancy crimson hooter be then, hey? What about a slivering thing with an owl?

  Rambling Hiker : Thank you very much, I'll be on my way.

  Old Man : What about an eel? What about eels with mighty wingspan? Eels that can fly!

  [Rambling Hiker blows his horn. The old man freezes. The Rambling Hiker continues walking. The old man stands still like a statue and walks after the Rambling Hiker] 

• Dave Angel : How you doing? Dave Angel here. I'm here with a few of my new pals - Smudge, Tofu, Roadkill and Arabella. And they're protesting about the construction of a brand new motorway which is being built slap bang in the middle of one of the oldest forests in England. Charming wood in fact. It's a beautiful spot. People have been coming here for over a hundred years to picnic, play simple games or walk hand in hand with their nearest and dearest. And they want to bulldoze it all away for a road.

  Various Roles : You tell em, Dave!

  Dave Angel : Take your hands off me, you freak!

• You Ain't Seen Me, Right! : You ain't seen me, right!