Father Ted (1995–1998)
Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly
Photos
Quotes
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Father Ted : It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal : God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted : No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
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[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan : Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted : Oh Feck!
Bishop Brennan : What?
Father Ted : [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted : God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal : Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted : It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted : Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
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[Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett]
Father Ted : No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.
Father Dougal : Ah, could we not call Jack something else?
Father Ted : Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack Hackett : Yes?
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Mrs Doyle : There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted : No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle : Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted : No, thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle : Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted : WHAT?
Mrs Doyle : Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.
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Father Ted : Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!
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Father Ted : What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal : Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
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Father Ted : That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about.
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Father Ted : Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
[he points to some plastic cows on the table]
Father Ted : are small, but those
[pointing at some cows out of the window]
Father Ted : are far away... Small, far away
[Dougal shakes his head in confusion]
Father Ted : Ah forget it...
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[Tom has just robbed the local post office]
Father Ted : Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
Tom : No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
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Father Ted : That money was just resting in my account!
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Father Ted : You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
Father Dougal : God Ted, first America then space, what next?
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Father Ted : That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal : That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Ted : Never buy black socks from a normal shop.
[Whispers to Dougal]
Father Ted : They shaft you every time!
[Dougal looks worried]
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Father Ted : How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal : Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted : Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal : Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.
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Father Ted : Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal : No thanks, Ted!
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Father Jack Hackett : [after Bishop Brennan asks how he is] Arsebiscuits!
Father Niall Haverty : [shocked] How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately!
Father Jack Hackett : [Father Ted squirms, as Father Jack sits up and puts his hands on his front like a rabbit, and in a rabbit-like voice] I'm... so... sooo... sorry.
[then nibbles like a rabbit]
Father Ted : [to Mrs. Doyle] Now that's sarcasm.
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[Father Jack has sobered up and is remembering words. He sees Sister Assumpta]
Father Jack Hackett : Nan!
Father Ted : No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack Hackett : [Terrified] Nun!
[Runs out the window]
Father Ted : [Waves] Bye, Father!
[to Assumpta]
Father Ted : He's just out for his walk
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Father Ted : [in the department store] Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?
Father Dougal : Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.
Father Ted : Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?
Father Dougal : Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.
[cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing]
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Father Ted : Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.
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Father Ted : Ah, it's nothing. Just went mad for a second, there.
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Father Ted : He's back from the dead. Like that fellow... ET.
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Father Ted : The way I feel now I could convert gays!
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[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal : Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted : What did you call him?
Father Dougal : Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted : Why?
Father Dougal : Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.
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Father Dougal : I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted : And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal : We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted : Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal : Damn. So near, yet so far.
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Father Ted : It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!
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Father Ted : Come on, Divorce Referendum!
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Father Ted : No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal : Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted : Yes, he's very low at the moment.
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Father Dougal : Knock-knock, Ted.
Father Ted : Who's there?
Father Dougal : Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted : Good night, Dougal.
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Father Ted : [slideshow] The Chinese. A grand bunch of lads.
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Father Dougal : Ah, what are you after, Ted?
Father Ted : I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while.
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Father Jack Hackett : [looking for beer] Drink!
Father Ted : You won't find any there father. I put it somewhere very safe.
Father Jack Hackett : Where?
[we see a cave above a sea - in the cave is all the beer]
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Father Dougal : Next you're going to tell us you're Santa.
Father Ted : No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal : The anti-Santa?
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Father Ted : Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you... for you.
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Father Ted : It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal : I didn't see that one.
Father Ted : Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.
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Father Larry Duff : It's a bit hard to talk right now, Ted. The fuzz just found a box of semiautomatic weapons in the back of Father O' Brian's car.
Father Ted : Ah, I never thought he'd be into that stuff.
Father Larry Duff : Yeah, you think you know someone.
[Father O' Brian makes a run for it and is gunned down]
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Father Ted : You do realise that that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
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Grieving Priest : Oh, Ted! We'll never see him again!
Father Ted : We'll see him in Heaven, Father!
Grieving Priest : Oh, yeah! Right!
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Father Ted : There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?
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Father Ted : Where are they going? I invite them around and they won't even hear my side of the Story!
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Father Ted : Are we going into Space?
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Father Ted : Careful, Father Jack! You don't want to go too far down that Bob Geldof road!
Father Dougal : Oooh, that's a bad road, Ted!
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Father Ted : How's everything in the World of Religion?
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Father Ted : Go home and count your sour grapes before they hatch!
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Father Ted : [about Father Byrne] Well didn't you think it was strange? Three Priests on an Island, alone like that?
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Father Ted : You know, time was the Police were more on the Church's side! Even turning a blind eye to the occasional murder! But now? Oh no!
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Father Ted : So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!
Father Dougal : And when's his next Confession?
Father Ted : Tuesday.
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Father Ted : What would you say is behind tomorrow's window, Father Jack?
Father Jack Hackett : A feckin' pair of women's knickers.
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Father Ted : [stares with determination at Bishop Brennan's arse]
