Father Ted (1995–1998)

Ardal O'Hanlon: Father Dougal McGuire

Photos 

Quotes 

• Father Ted : It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.

  Father Dougal : God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!

  Father Ted : No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

• Father Dougal : Hello Len.

  Bishop Brennan : Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!

  Father Dougal : Oh right. Well done.

• [Ted answers the phone] 

  Bishop Brennan : Crilly, It's me.

  Father Ted : Oh Feck!

  Bishop Brennan : What?

  Father Ted : [in French accent]  Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.

  [Ted hangs up] 

  Father Ted : God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!

  Father Dougal : Oho! He won't like that!

  Father Ted : It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.

  [phone rings, Ted picks it up] 

  Father Ted : Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

• [Dougal has named his pet rabbit Father Jack Hackett] 

  Father Ted : No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name.

  Father Dougal : Ah, could we not call Jack something else?

  Father Ted : Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

  Father Jack Hackett : Yes?

• Father Ted : What was that sermon about?

  Father Dougal : Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

• Father Dougal : Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

• Father Dougal : I don't believe in organized religion

• Father Ted : You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.

  Father Dougal : God Ted, first America then space, what next?

• Father Ted : That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

  Father Dougal : That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

  Father Ted : Never buy black socks from a normal shop.

  [Whispers to Dougal] 

  Father Ted : They shaft you every time!

  [Dougal looks worried] 

• Father Ted : How long has Father Jack been living in there?

  Father Dougal : Uh, he started just a few days after you left.

  Father Ted : Maybe he's agoraphobic?

  Father Dougal : Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.

• Father Ted : Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!

  Father Dougal : No thanks, Ted!

• Father Ted : [in the department store]  Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?

  Father Dougal : Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh.

  Father Ted : Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?

  Father Dougal : Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine.

  [cut to Jack, in the creche, smoking a cigarette and surrounded by children playing] 

• Father Dougal : Ted, I'm going mad.

• Father Dougal : Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.

  Policeman : Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.

  Father Dougal : Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken

• [to his pet rabbit] 

  Father Dougal : Come on, Sampras.

  Father Ted : What did you call him?

  Father Dougal : Sampras, like Pete Sampras.

  Father Ted : Why?

  Father Dougal : Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

• Father Dougal : I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!

  Father Ted : And how are we going to do that?

  Father Dougal : We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.

  Father Ted : Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.

  Father Dougal : Damn. So near, yet so far.

• Father Ted : No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.

  Father Dougal : Poor Father Nolan!

  Father Ted : Yes, he's very low at the moment.

• Father Dougal : Knock-knock, Ted.

  Father Ted : Who's there?

  Father Dougal : Father Dougal McGuire.

  Father Ted : Good night, Dougal.

• Father Dougal : Ah, what are you after, Ted?

  Father Ted : I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while.

• Father Dougal : He's going to Snaketown!

• Father Dougal : Next you're going to tell us you're Santa.

  Father Ted : No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.

  Father Dougal : The anti-Santa?

• Father Dougal : It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.

• Father Ted : It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.

  Father Dougal : I didn't see that one.

  Father Ted : Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

• Father Ted : Careful, Father Jack! You don't want to go too far down that Bob Geldof road!

  Father Dougal : Oooh, that's a bad road, Ted!

• Father Ted : So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!

  Father Dougal : And when's his next Confession?

  Father Ted : Tuesday.